What should i do my boyfriend is an oxy addict

[lovenhope]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. After 3 months i realized something wasn't right. I'd notice him mubbeling sometimes and being lazy, sleeping and not wanting to talk or sometimes i felt like he wasn't even paying attention to me. He's a gorgeous guy and he could have so much going for him but with all this i just have no idea. When i first found out i talked to him, told him how much i cared about him and how he deserves better. He told me he wanted to stop and will stop. Thats when all the lies started coming from him. He never stopped. I found texts to people asking for the drug and he'd deny it. Finally after begging him and telling him that i knew he admitted to me. Last February i took him to rehab in Michigan. He lasted there for 7 days! He came out and swore that he knew he took me for granted and wanted to change his life and he didn't want to make the same mistakes again. I believed him. Eversince i met him i gave everything up, everything..my job my desire for pursuing med school extra courses anything. I even pushed people away because i devoted my entire time into helping me and hoping for change of some sort. I know that they will change if THEY want to but thats what he always told me. It was lie after lie eachtime. He started again after he left rehab. I stopped talking to him for 2 weeks devistated that he did this again and lied. Now i know when he does oxy, because he gets unmotivated in every way..even sexually. i think he just feels numb from life. He promised again that if i didn't come back to him and help he'd just get worse. So i trusted him, i prayed that this time would be different. He claims he stopped for 4-5 months. He started again when i noticed the similar signs i mentioned before. Again, i told him i wanted him to be honest and not be scared to tell me, i wanted to help. He never told me, instead he turned everything around on me and basically blamed me half the time either because i left or don't pick up the phone. The reasons id do this is because he'd emotionally totured me, hurt me and broke my heart. I felt like i was worthless to him and how could he not stop if he knew how much it mattered to me and how its hurting me? Especially with all the promises he made? Everytime he said well it was the past this time is different. AGAIN he told me he was clean and i recently FOUND pills hidden in his jacket pocket. I cried for days. I can't even mention how i feel. I'm mentally tortured and abused. He calls me all the time..i haven't seen him in 3 weeks. He says he can't get better without me but how? I was there each time trying to help and it made no difference. Helpp what should i do? Am i wasting my time? Should i continue talking to him or theres no point?
Thanks-

[valenomiya]

Hi Did u open a new post... my bf is using oxycontin for 7 years prescripted for a back injury...and he wanna quit but for me is being so hard, he dont pay attention to me, he sleep all day, and I cant say nothing because hes grumpy all day... plus i`m living far from him... but when I go to see him he try to be awake and is very lovely... I know he is in pain... he was taking 200mg oxycontin, now dr reduced 20mg, so he`s taking 180...mg and dr is going to reduce20mg every 2 months!!! so I`m scare...its gonna be 1 year waiting, I love him, but I feel lonely!! I miss him every day but he only sleep and when hes awake, he`s grumpy, and sick sometimes is nice sometimes is mad and dont wanna talk or text.

[ariley13]

Hi and welcome! This is an old thread and these folks are probably not around anymore. If you go out to the main page and hit the post a question link, you can start your own thread and share your story or ask a question. There is also a living with an addict community on this site. It would be a great place to get support from folks going through similar situations.

[manda6666]

Hi there, I am in the exactly same situation..it is definitely heart breaking when everything is turned into your fault when you basically give you entire life up to cater to your boyfriend who goes behind you back to take pills to feel satisfied."if you were there everyday then I wouldn't be doing oxys," everyday meaning... missing class, cancelling shifts at work when his insecurities run high ( he thinks I wasn't going to work, so i had to print out my months schedule but still wasn't accepted), missing family weddings and family get together, even visiting my only sister was never an option that I was allowed to do.

I tell myself everyday "is this really worth it? is this gonna get better? maybe if i leave then I wont be blamed anymore and he'll get better?"
I feel worthless

[JannoraJannora]

Helps me please. I am in the same situation and don't know what to do. My boyfriend who I love is bangin oxy and tho he says he is goin to quit won't.  I am so stupid and the worst part is I'm not. I support myself and have had a successful business for more than 10 years that I started from basically nothin. I only being this up to prove HOW DUMB I AM. Why do I let him manipulate me so easily? What should I do? I know he loves me in his heart but I hate livin with this secret and hate puttin this front on to the world.  What do I do? Please help me I have no one to talk to

[Greatgreebo]

Listen to worried, she knows what she is talking about. She's a nurse and a recovering addict.

I'm waiting to hear back from you to let me know how things are going.

Greebs

[worried878]

addicts are every manipulative when in the active phase of addiction.....i wouldnt belive a word he says unless he bacs his words up with true action...rehab here and there is not gonna help//it will get him thru wds///but not thru life itself////it is scary for an addict to face life without their DOC//ongoing aftercare and a true desire to stay clean is often the anwser ... i feel his pain...and i feel urs as well.
...
Sometimes we can not choose who we care about ...But I have learned the hard way that we have to set our boundaries concerning what we will or will not tolerate

[Greatgreebo]

Thank you for the support. You are correct, I'm not trying to be mean (though it probably sounds that way) it's just that codependency is another addiction and you gotta play hardball to take care of it. I'm really hopoing lovenhope gets some help and continues to post. She needs support and I think we can help.
Like I said, the ball is in her court. Hopefully she posts again and reports she is completely done with the ex and hopefully she stops making excuses for him and herselt. It such a twisted way to live.
Good luck lovenhope-let us know
Glad to see you again GTMI, I've missed you!
Greebs

[GoingToMakeIt]

Greebs has given you wise advice. She has walked the walk and is not trying to be mean just real.

[Greatgreebo]

It is very simple to avoid him. Change your email address OR block his emails. Change your cell phone number. Let him know one last time you are done with his addiction. If he continues to harass you, get a restraining order. Are you even serious about getting yourself straightened up? You are just as bad off as he is. Your posts continue to read like the codependent you are. You continue to make excuses for him and yourself-which is what addicts do. Us addicts make excuses about why the situation can't be changed or how we will start getting clean/changing the situation beginning tomorrow.
You have continued to speak with him and it's been 11 days since your first post. Stop looking for validation that says it's okay to continue interacting with him, because you aren't going to get it here. YOU need to take care of YOU. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Get a therapist and work on the codependency. It is a miserable way to exist and it is also the life of an addict, it's just you are addicted to needy people rather than drugs. Either way, it is very unhealthy for you.
Stop resisting and just do it.
Balls in your court. We can and will help you if you let us. Stop wasting time and cut the cord, now, while you are still somewhat in control of the situation.
stay strong,
Greebs

[SuzyQ750]

Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Sounds like it might help you realize how and when he's manipulating you and how to deal with it. It will also teach you how to take care of yourself while he's going through this.

[lovenhope]

Hey, your right. And thats exactly whats been going on. I just need to get myself out of this...i swear i'm trying but i keep getting stuck. Everytime i walk away, change my number or anything...he either finds out or ends up emailing me. I have to stop feeling bad or guilty or whatever the hell it is i'm feeling. He's messed up my head to much and your right, its like hes making me responsible for his actions and sobriety.

[LIZZIE LOU]

" He always told me he needed my help to get better and the only way it would motivate him and support him is if i would be around."

wow...he's good...he has managed to put the responsiblity of his sobriety off on YOU ! ! !

[lovenhope]

Thanks again for posting. He says he's trying to change and i know its hard for him and i think the only reason i kept going back and allowing myself to is because a part of me felt guilty. He always told me he needed my help to get better and the only way it would motivate him and support him is if i would be around. I kind of understand what he's saying but at the same time it hurts me. When i look at him or talk to him all i can think about is the things hes said or done to me especially the lies, repeated lies. I want him to go to rehab and i told him that the only way that i'll ever have anything will him is if he fixes himself the right way and goes to rehab. He has to. He keeps saying he knows and he will but i'm just waiting for him to leave and get better. I want the best for him because i do care. Hes a great person and he does deserve the best. I know the horrible mean things he says he doesn't mean because its the drugs and addict side of him. I just wish i knew the REAL him. Because i was in love with a totally different person and to be honest with you i guess i don't even know him to begin with. He needs to take the steps and fix himself.

[SuzyQ750]

My husband was addicted to Oxicontin, went through rehab and is now on Suboxone. While he attended rehab and is now in intensive outpatient therapy I'm going to family sessions. In there I learned about the 3 Cs of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CHANGE it
You can't CURE it.
What he's addicted to is basically legalized heroin. They told us in rehab that it's almost impossible to get off it w/out rehab so he needs to get back into rehab and then go to meetings and attend outpatient therapy.
If he's not doing any of those things, you need to walk away because you're not seeing your boyfriend anymore, you're seeing the addict and that is not the person you know or want to be with.

[Greatgreebo]

Balls in your court....what ya' gonna do?

Greebs

[jt808]

i dont wana be mean but just go back and read what ur saying mayb ull hear what were hearing an that is this guy is totally screwing wth u i mean holh sht u say he blocked ur calls and u cant even get ahold of him who does that to someone there suppose to luv. to me since he did that it made u wana go see him more cuz now hes in control its like a game wth u two both of u need to cut this crap out and go seperate ways cuz it sounds way to much like my old relationship and its not healthy. and to me u hate the fact that he blocked u and uve prob been emailing him like crazy just guessing cuz now he has the power and only can call u to me this is just a really messed up relationship an CANNOT  be fixed its way too damaged ull never trust him again and he obviously isnt clean and lieing still time to just be done. sorry if i hurt ur feelings its just that ive been in this type of relationship and its just no good

[lovenhope]

Thank you. I appreciate everything everyone has said

[dominosarah]

Obviously you like to live like this cuz you arent doing anything to change it.  We as addicts are not going to change what we say.  He is no different than what we were like.  Continue down this path and you will find yourself broke and alone.  Your bf is a full blown addict, nothing more, nothing less.  Only you can change and if you dont then you suffer the consequences, plain and simple........Check please          sara

[Greatgreebo]

You do sound like a broken record and it is getting old. Please don't keep posting to look for validation in continuing with your addiction to an unhealthy relationship. We are all addicts here and we are here to help each other. Having said that, you don't seem to want help. You just want to keep on doing things the same and then posting it in the hopes you will find someone else to say it's okay. Well, it isn't okay.
Stop talking about changing and just do it. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Here's a direct quote from your last post "so because i didn't hang out with him on his bday should i see him or make an effort to see him today?"...all I can say is ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!
If you want help, we can listen and guide you. We've all been where you are. Lost, alone and confused. You need to talk to someone now. You should not contact the ex anymore......If you want to continue in your disfunctional ways I would appreciate it if you wouldn't waste anymore of our time.
It's time to make a decision. You'll get no sympathy from me.

Greatgreebo

[10356]

Mel.. Walk away and get your life in order.. you are being used.. abused emotionally.. nobody deserves this kind of treatment.. Concentrate on your life ok He will not change until he hits his bottom.. work on why you would allow yourself to be treated in such a manner.. love does not tie us to our abuser.. our needs do. Please get help get in contact with your family.. involve yourself back in Your life and leave him to his.. delete his number block his calls and move on....

[lovenhope]

Hey, thanks again to you guys that replied back to me. It means a lot. I will be seeking help especially one of the top psychiatrists out there. Anything that can atleast help me understand why i'm holding on to this entire thing. I basically dugg myself in a whole, a very big whole. It's like i knew what was happening, neglected to believe it and just listened to him eventhough he was lying each and every time. Swearing, promising and everything you could have said and done. Your right, his neediness made me go back and because of me loosing everything and trully caring i did go back to him and thats what kept making everything worse. I know it might have been cruel as he said and bitchy for me not to see him on his birthday the 12th but i didn't have it in me. Everytime i got ready...i sat down on a seat and starting thinking about how hurt i'll get seeing him looking into his eyes and thinking about all the hurtful mean things he's said about me on his birthday, the day before and in the past in general. He's got constant mood swings that emerge. One minute i'm nasty, repulsive and gross and he says he can do better and then he'll call and apologize and say he doesn't know why he said the things he has and hes sorry and he needs to treat me better no matter what...then guess what??? He says the same thing again maybe even worse. Today is valentines day and happy v day to all of you. Although it makes me feel even worse and empty and alone sitting here doing things i know i don't want to do, i do have second thoughts on seeing him. I know i'm annoying you guys and repeating myself like a broken record, a never ending broken record but should i see him today on valentines day? Yesterday i  found out that he lied AGAIN and is still using and thats what hurts me the most, the lies. The lie that he told me yesterday right before i begged him to tell me the truth and he told me he was clean for 12 days. So, it's valentines day...i am blocked on his phone! i cant call him unless he calls me unless i just email him, so because i didn't hang out with him on his bday should i see him or make an effort to see him today? My reasoning for not seeing him on his bday was because i told him i wanted to see and talk to him when hes 100% clean and he told me he was and i ruined his bday but i was right as always and he wasn't even clean. So what do you guys think about today? For all you that think i'm annoying and can't stand these posts i truy do apologize and i'm sorry for basically repeating myself over and over again
Mel-

[jt808]

the post above about the co dependants makes alota sense and i actually bvelive that it sis very true and needs to be fixed esp cuz like u say in alll ur posts about how ur so unhappy but i kno u said u havent seen him in few weeks that a good start but ur still not totally breakn ties after he still is lying agter these 2 weeks if he was gona change he would be tryn in this time that u were away from him cuz he wioukld b tryn to get u back. and deep down u kno this as well.

[Greatgreebo]

First and foremost you need to get some help for yourself. You are a codependent which has the definition: Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.  

Everyone of your posts is just more of the same. You are just as sick as your boyfriend, you just have a different addiction. Codependents tend to thrive on drama and you get plenty of that from your ex-boyfriend.
Many codependents, like other addicts, blame the people around them for their problem, or, more accurately, use them to deny their problem.  'I'm not codependent, I just love them so much.'  'It's just that they need so much help.'  'They couldn't get along without me.'  Let's face the facts...the needy people in your life need to learn to take care of themselves, take responsibility for their own problems and begin to solve them.  If you'd stop bailing them out they'd learn to handle life's challenges themselves. So actually you're hurting them!  We're not talking about a rare emergancy situation...we're talking about a lifestyle of needyness.  Codependency, like any other addiction, is caused by a feeling of emptiness...a low self-esteem.  Instead of a drug, a codependent uses the needs of others to make themselves feel whole.  That's why no one around them is allowed to recover...the codependent wouldn't be needed.  

Cure For Codependency: The only cures for codependency require finding the genuine, healthy sources for a positive self-esteem, to replace the negative ones. You also have to learn how to 'ween' your needy people off of your help.  This is a dysfunctional relationship, and often results in the 'needy' person abandoning the codependent.  Although very painful this is better for both people...forcing them to find better sources of fulfillment.  It's good for the codependent to find productive and fulfilling activities that don't involve satisfying needy people.  This can be done with sporting activities, art, school, etc.  There are many ways to be productive without attachment to a chronically needy person.
Re-read your posts. You really are wrapped up in a sick relationship and you need to end it now and get some help. You can't fix a drug addict.They have to fix themselves. The fact you have voiced so much unhappiness with the relationship and pointed out all the ways it has ruined your life and have nothing positive from it-yet you are still hanging on asking what you should do proves you need some help. Get a therapist and start talking. There is something broken in you and you need help to fix it. Find out why you have this emptiness in your life.
As for the Ex...he needs to stay an ex. Your pattern of unhealthy living together is so ingrained that it's pretty much a lost cause to try to fix it. You are addicted to the drama of it all and his needing you. He is a drug addict.
The ball is in your court. Do you really want to change and get better and start to like yourself again??...........or will you keep on playing the victim and never really do anything about it but complain to anyone who will listen. You are on your own road to ruin. I hope you can see that.
Good luck and let us know what you are planning on doing.

Greatgreebo

[lovenhope]

Hey, just to update everyone on whats been going on....I talked to him frequently...i haven't seen him in a little over 2 weeks. Last time i saw him was when i found the pills in his jacket pocket and he lied as always and told me he was clean for 6 months. He thinks i'm stupid and i can't tell when he's on something or how he acts or treats me. I'm not sure if my ex was just as assehole to me and treated me horribly or it was the drugs that made him act and say the cruel things he did to me. So, yesterday was his birthday. As bad as i wanted to see him, i knew in my hear i couldn't. Everytime i see him i think of all the time he's lied to me and swore on my life that he's clean and it was all just repeated lies over and over again. Like i've said before i've given him so many chances thinking he'd get better...i waited...i waited for so long believing in him and hoping things would change but it only seems like things got worse. The reason i didn't see him on his birthday is because i called him and as soon as i said happy birthday he hung up on me then blocked me like the rest of the week. When he does things like that i know he's either feeling guilty of being on stuff or is just another way of avoiding me. I lost all my friends because of him and how hes been. I devoted my heart time and everything to him and getting better and nothing worked. When i spoke to him this week, last week and even on his birthday AGAIN he swore he was clean for 12 days making some BS up again. I can't tell you guys how much i'm crying as i'm typing all of this to you all seeking for help again. Again, i tried and my gut feeling was that he was lying like he always was to me and he was STILL on oxy and got knows what else. I asked for him and begged for the truth again today (day after his bday) and i told him to stop lying and tell me something that i know already because i told him i knew for a fact that hes still been on stuff because of the ways hes acted the past week. He confessed that he never stopped and he was going to on HIS BIRTHDAY WHICH WAS YESTERDAY. Yet, again another lie and painful bs he puts me through, I don't even know what to do or say anymore. Its like anything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. If someone like this lies compulsively how the hell would i even know if he was even  loyal towards me. If its' this easy for him to constantly lie he def must have done it with a lot a lot of other things. I'm speechless, hopeless and i seriously feel empty. I just feel like theres nothing left of me.. This week i developed a rash all over my body, blister, bloody like all over...went to the ER and after tests they told me its nerve vessels that actually bursted in my body due to stress and depression! I just can't believe whats happening to me