What's going on with me?

[Swweets]

This is the second day I have tossed and turned all night and I'm short tempered and I cry five to ten times a day! Honestly speaking I've been taking these yellow vicodin pills I've stolen from my grandmother who has camcer. She gets just so many that I took a little to begin with but it's gotten out of control. I am going through a high profile divorce and these pills take that pain and guilt away. I'm on day two with just quiting and I'm miserable. Is it cheating if I use my panic attack medicine to sleep? Will I ever be that happy fun loving woman again?

[BIKERDAD1963]

Not sleeping is a normal part of wd process. So is the emotional stuff. Its a long process to get clean and get our "normal" life back. Most of us dont even know what our normal life is suppose to be anymore. The sleep takes a long time to get back. If this is your only symptom bugging you than consider yourself lucky. Try some sleeping aids, I dont suggest replacing the vics with other perscription meds unless you are having a dangerous panic attack. Using meds for the wrong purposes is what got you in the mess to begin with. You can always go to a doc and get a few sleeping pills to get you thru this, just dont start depending on them. Thats why i suggest getting a few. My doc put me on lyrica for a week while going thru detox. it helped.

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

hEY Swweets.. First off.. You can't be stealing from Grandma... (if nothing else.. the guilt WILL get you in the long run)....

Second... you said.. it's "getting out of control"?

At least you are recognizing this... but.. I hafta tell ya that "self medicating" to "take the pain and guilt away" will get you NO WHERE...
It will only DIG you a DEEPER hole!  (of depression and pain)
Don't mean to sound so harsh,,, but... I've BEEN THERE.. DONE THAT!  

YOU can AND will be a "HAPPY FUN LOVING WOMAN again.. "  you just have to WANT it BAD ENOUGH!  

Hope that I didn't BLOW your SOCKS OFF... but...
I just CARE.. cus.. I've BEEN THERE

Much love, care and support to you

[GottaQuit]

Need a bit more info to help you out ... Are the yellow pills Vicodin or Valium?  How many do you take per day and how long have you been taking them?  What is the panic attack medicine that you use?  

It sounds as though you're under tremendous stress ... Many people here to help you, but please provide us a little more info.

We're here to help!!

[ZJILLIAN]

I just read your post and just really wanted to let you know it is Okay to keep posting even after you get your first responses. We are here to help, always here. So use us, use this site.

You've done a big thing by just posting your question. Keep in touch, let us know how you are doing.

For me the biggest help was to keep reading the different posts. I still do; on day 51. I hold on to this site and all the others like me.

Good luck! You will get through this. The rule is: "everything will get better if you don't do anything to make it worse." Stop using pills they will take a difficult situation and turn it into a nightmare.

[Swweets]

The yellow pills are vicodin 10mgs I think and I used to take just when I bartended at night to get my feet and back through but since divorce and my precious grandma dying losing a job and only seeing my kids two weeks out if the month I started taking two every two hours the only time I wasn't high was while I slept. My panic attack medicine is called adivan or something that's generic for it. It's the only thing that gets me to sleep and my dad also prescribed me celexa for depression but he doesn't know about the vics. I finally told my boyfriend what Ive been doing and that I'm trying to quit and he is being very supportive for the most part it's really all up to me now. Thanks for everyones kind words and advice keep it coming I need it badly

[hmf099]

vicoden and benzos (ativan) are both hard to get off of, and I've done it, with the help of rehab. Vicoden I did on my own but it was easy for me as I was drinking heavily at the time (bad idea!) I can tell you as an addict that you need to steer clear of ALL addictive drugs if you want to get clean, and stay clean. This means no ativan. Do NOT come off ativan without medical supervision though, that can be dangerous. Try talking to a dr you aren't related to about this. I'm on nuerontin now for panic and anxiety disorders and it helps soooo much. It's non addictive and works for anxiey and pain. Drugs like that do not get you high, and may help you sleep. Trazodone is a great sleeping pill in low doses, in higher ones it is a great anti deppressant/anxiety. I've been taking that when needed for sleep since rehab, and I've never slept better. Withdrawal *****, but it will get better. I've been through all those symptoms of vicoden w/d and the best help I got while going through it was on this site. Keep talking about it, everyone here is concerned and will talk you through it. Keep us posted and good luck.

[more_fiend]

oh sweets, I feel so bad about your circumstance. I know that it is extremely difficult to get through and the other posts hit the nail on the head.  The only thing I could add, is to talk to your father.  He is, by the sounds of it, a doctor.  He should understand the stress that you are under.  He could instruct you the best about your needs.  He will love you know matter what, and I am sure that he will be very understanding.  It is one of the biggest steps that a lot of us have taken is to admit to others that we have a problem.  Once you have done that it is easier to accept your problems and move on.  We are here to give the best advice that we can.  Keep posting please.

[prayformetoo]

Your doing great And you are goining to make it .Keep posting it really helps And for me it did get a little better each. Even thou I still cry alot. I'm on day three.Hand in there.You can do it.. God bless you.Steve

[Swweets]

Today I thought about swallowing a bottle of pills and just being done with all the worrying and crying and uncertainty. I'm in such a bad place today I don't even want to get out of bed. Please tell me I'll get past this and be happy again

[kiylen]

Honey, PLEASE don't do that.  I know it would end your pain but the pain you would leave behind with your children would last their whole lifetime.  Please don't punish them.  I'm coming off of methadone and yesterday I cried so hard twice I vomited.  I have to also take care of two children by myself while going through it.  I have no friends except people on here and if you will hold on, like me, they will get you through it.  Yes, people you don't even know.  You will be done with all the crying, worrying and uncertainty if you just hang in a few more days.  I will even private message you my number right now if you need it, if you will please just promise me not to hurt yourself right now.  Please keep talking to us.  I will about to get off the computer but I will stay on longer if you need me and I know anyone else on here is going to do the same.  Hold on honey, just pray and hold on...

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

You can't swallow a bottle of pills or else I'll HAVE TO KILL YOU!  
You have SOOOO much to live for... and you WILL GET THRU THIS....SOON!

I wish I could take your pain away... and KNOW that I would....

[dochollywood]

Swweets, it will pass.  Hang on.  I hope you are talking to Kiylen now.

Remember that it's all chemical.  This is not the real you and this will definitely pass.  Try to put it in perspective that this is a chemical phase you are going thru.

Can you call your Dad?  I think he would rather have you do that than swallow a bottle of pills.  Maybe he can get you into an inpatient rehab, which is NOT a sin.  Ever look on the web and see how many people are addicted to these pills?  We all are and it's not that we are bad people, or stupid, it's that we have no control over these substances.  

[Swweets]

I'm here and feeling better thanks for everyones calming and concerned comments. My boyfriend doesn't know what to say to me but people I don't even know do, strange. What set my anxiety off yesterday was another rejection for a job, I can't support my kids and I just rented a huge house a couple months ago and now we are prob going to lose it cause I quit my job because of reallly immortal and unprofessional things going on there. It was a knee jerk reaction to things I see at work and I feel so dumb cause now what do I say to my kids when they ask for things they are used to getting at the grocery store or whatever else they can't have anymore. It's humiliating. But again I'd like to day I am doing better guys. I'm still clean seven days and my anti depressant seems to help but still not sleeping without the aids. I'm gonna try running in the morning to make me feel better about starting the day and feeling good about being apart if it instead of being in bed all day. Wish me luck