What's worse: Family or W/D?

I have an issue I would like to bring up to you guys and see what perspectives you have.  I'll try really hard to make this short and to the powers that be please don't move this to the social forum because this has a lot to do with my direct recovery.  I'm afraid it's going to make me want to use, and I have three months in now, I so don't want to start all over.

Anyways, living my life is much like living in a room with a picture window and no blinds.  Everyone (meaning family friends assoc) pretty much knows my complete history and knows I went to rehab three months ago.  They can not wait for me to screw up!  Including my own children and especially the stepchildren.  I'm trying really hard here to be strong but I'm crying harder than I have in years.  I thought coming on here would get my mind off of my problems and focus on other people, but I just can't get the hurtful words out of my head.  I thought (stupid me) that my husbands ex-wife (Cindy) was a friend, I thought my stepdaughters and stepson were friends too.  They're all really nice when I see them, they even tell me they love me but it's all BS.  To make a very long story as short as I can I just got a phone call from my husband who had just spoken to my stepdaughter Autumn.  I have to use their names or this would be really confusing.  Anyway apparently my daughter Heidi who just moved out a couple of weeks ago has been trash talking me using as example all the dirty laundry I've ever had to Cindy and Autumn and they're eating it up!  She has told them almost everything there is to know as far as my addiction and other really personal things and so they are all just talking among themselves.  When Autumn called my husband she asked him why I can't drive.  He told her because I have seizures.  She told him, "well Heidi told Mom (Cindy) that she's a habitual traffic offender".  I do have like $400 of outstanding speeding tickets but we could pay that, the real reason is because I have seizures!  This is just an example of incidents exactly like this that have been happening over the past 3-4 weeks.  I am so finished with it!  I am trying really hard not to be a big time baby about this, but it kills me because I thought they loved me, but I'm just joke topic for their gossip mill.  I've tried so hard to change these last months, but it seems right as things are going pretty well everything collapses.

I want to run away.  Anybody have something similar to this happen to them?  Is it my own fault for thinking they really cared since they technically are the"step" family?  I really believed we could be so much more than that, they are family to me and what I thought were friends.  Please help out............

[addictedme]

Addiction and dysfunctional familys lol,,dont they go hand in hand ? Heres something I heard but its hard when your talking about family but "those that matter dont judge and those that judge dont matter". Focus on your life,,be all you can be,,pray for them. Alot of times when people dont have their own lives in order they choose to focus on others. Its easier to take someone elses inventory then their own. Being happy with your life will drive em crazy..gl

[Firefaery1023]

Sweetheart, I am so sorry that this is happening to you.  All I have to say is that you should ask your husband to not tell you when these people are gossiping about you.  Just focus on your recovery, get mad and prove them all wrong.  You can do this!!!  Don't let these a**holes get to you.  Just focus on you.  Know that we all love you here.  I will be thinking about you.
Lots of Love,
Fire

[Firefaery1023]

BTW I have a similar situation with my in-laws.  They know I have used in the past and now they always think I am high on something.  I just know that I am proving them wrong everyday that I am clean.  I even want to take a drug test just to shut them up.

[duckandcover]

It's hard for me to imagine that after all this time that the things you percieved as genuine affection and love from ALL your family was a mistake.  If you had those feelings for them I'm sure that it was and still is mutual.  

I think that it's just possible that after being clean for a while now that you're picking up on a lot of things that you may have missed in the past.  People love to gossip (yes even men) about their lives and families.  There are a lot of things that people will say to each other about a third party that they may not even realize is hurtful.  It does not mean that there isn't affection there.  It may be bad manners but it is not necessarily intentional cruelty.

Don't run away.  Square yourself up and explain your feelings.  You should NOT feel shame about your recovery.  You should be proud of yourself.  If you can't come to an understanding with them then you have to learn to let it go.  Stay clean and get stronger and in time they will see you for the inspiration that you are.

2 cents.

[poetrygirl1960]

addictedme - I know you are totally right about praying for them.........and I'll try I promise.  YES!  My therapist told me what you said about dysfunctional families, very true.  

Firefaery1023 - Oh, thank you so much for saying this.  You have a valid point too, my husband doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut.  I love him with every fiber of my being, but the man ain't got a clue when it comes to tact.

duckandcover - Thank you for your 2 cents:)  You may be right, maybe I am picking up on things I didn't before.  These women really know how to go for the jugular too, maybe I just thought they cared.  I'm sure yes my own daughter Heidi probably does, but she will never respect me or think I deserve another chance.  I won't run away, but man I really want to right now.

[mimi1313]

I really think they go hand in hand. I'm so sorry they treat you that way. I was brought up that nothing was more important than family and I wish yours was more supportive of you. You can expect that that from other people but not the people who are supposed to be there for you.

I know, I have a really supportive family, just move to Pittsburgh and we'll adopt you!!

I would have your husband make a stand and support you. Anytime they harass you should step in.

And if he doesn't, you can come to Pittsburgh!

[poetrygirl1960]

Really?  You will adopt me?  I love Pttsburgh!

My own family always said family comes first too, but over the past 12 or so years since my brother died it has slowly and painfully fallen apart.  My husband's family was already that way when I married in, so I'm thinking I'm probably not responsible for that one.  It does hurt though, thank you:)

[paul300]

i took opiates just to tolerate my in-laws. now, my wife and i take two cars. :-) unfortunately, there are always family members that love to find failures in others, usually because they are unhappy with their own lives. work on you for the long haul and later in life, you'll realize all those thing they said were a result of there unhappiness. trust me on this one. ;-)

[poetrygirl1960]

Yes when I took them I took heavy dosage when I was around his family!  You're right, I have got to shake this thing off and quit letting it bleed me.  Thank you I will trust you:)

[Mikeinthesouth]

please read my pm lisa

[LONESOME]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and congrats on your 3 months nobody can take that from you, I understand what you are going through I also know that in my case sometimes I think that when my family say something I don't know about addiction or pills or stuff like that I'm always thinking is about me and is not not a all about me. Like when I take my sub infront of my sister I have to explain my self to her about what I'm taking and she says "I know don't worry" but I don't want her to go and run her mouth about what I still take pills or what not.

[cocobeanlisa]

I just want to say my two cents,

I had to take full responsiblity for all of my actions towards my family and every one...By that I mean that I had to realize that I did a lot of harm in my addiction to others.  My family talked about me/judged me and even put me to the text when I first got clean.  I wanted to blame them for all of my problems/actions and faults. I wanted to run every time they looked at me funny (thought here we go again).  Instead I had to stand there
and prove myself by doing the next right thing, without expectations.  I had to let them be them and I had to let me be me.  I made amends where needed and let my family
alone.  After some time they realized that my disease did those things and not me, they
forgave me and they began to look at me differently.  People/family will always talk, i had to learn to ignore them and only listen to my heart.  I also realized that at first my family
over re-acted to my actions in addiction due to the pain I had caused them, after they cooled down they realized that I did not do anything that bad.

Good luck,  And remember we do not use no matter what..
cocobean

[cocobeanlisa]

I hope that my post is taken as I mean it, with love and respect for recovery...

Sometimes I have to forget abouth the rest of the world and concentrate
on me.....  cocobean

[poetrygirl1960]

Thanks for your responses.  Lonesome, people do always talk this is true.  Cocobean - I understand this concept of taking responsibility.  When I first became clean and got out of the hospital I knew there would be talk, and I understood people even thinking "well she didn't change before why is this time any different?"  which is why I was ready for that.  I also went to people I had hurt and said listen, you have no reason to trust me or even love me now, I'm sorry, I'll do everything I can to win your love and respect back.  Most of them acted like "?"  This goes beyond that, I have to see things like they really are and there are women who have been close to me, even family, that don't so much wish me well.  It's not my imagination, these comments have came right back to me.  If I were dying on the street, yeah they would be sad, cry, talk about what a great person I was, but deep inside there is a little demon saying "lets sit back and wait for her to screw this up".

Coco, your post was fine, and you did not offend me at all.  I appreciate your honesty and again thank you everyone for all of the heartfelt responses.  You made this afternoon not so bad:)

[CATUF]

I found this to be an interesting story.
================================
A beautiful girl in the village was pregnant. Her angry parents demanded to know who was the father. At first resistant to confess, the anxious and embarrassed girl finally pointed to Hakuin, the Zen master whom everyone previously revered for living such a pure life. When the outraged parents confronted Hakuin with their daughter's accusation, he simply replied "Is that so?"

When the child was born, the parents brought it to the Hakuin, who now was viewed as a pariah by the whole village. They demanded that he take care of the child since it was his responsibility. "Is that so?" Hakuin said calmly as he accepted the child.

For many months he took very good care of the child until the daughter could no longer withstand the lie she had told. She confessed that the real father was a young man in the village whom she had tried to protect. The parents immediately went to Hakuin to see if he would return the baby. With profuse apologies they explained what had happened. "Is that so?" Hakuin said as he handed them the child.
=============

CATUF
1060

[wait2long]

EXCELLENT POINT..love it...

[reviewer]

I can totally relate to what you are going through... I have two step children, no they do not know about my addiction but they still just wait for me to do something wrong so they can sit with their mother and discuss me.  I have done everything in my power to be the best step mother possible but I am still just the person that their dad happened to marry.
I used to use more around family functions as well, so that I would have that "high" good feeling that nothing was wrong and that I could conquer all.  After I have quit using I have quit trying so hard to be that wonderful step mother.. I dont mean that in a bad way I am saying I let things fall where they will and if they dont like it then I deal with then and there.  I have finally come to the realization that I cant change their minds in any form whatsoever.  They will either like or not and I could lasso the moon and bring it down to earth for them and it would still be wrong in someway.  It hurts and it hurts alot but I am finally dealing with it sober and clean and I can look at things more objectively than before.
Hang in there, live your life the way that you want, clean and not using.  The rest will follow if it doesnt then you will know in your heart that you did what you could the rest is up to them not you.  You will be able to look God in the face and say I did what  you asked, I loved them.