When will it end?.....

[Abby_916]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted anything about myself on here for a while. I have been following all of my dear friends and their sorrows and triumphs, though. I'm sort of having a bad day myself. I woke up this morning to get a letter from my doctor stating my Pap smear came back positive. Again. You know, just when you think life is starting to turn around for the better, Wham! Hit with another one. Well, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer 5 months ago. I was very lucky.  Found out at the earliest stage. They were able to treat it and I was told to get a Pap smear every 6 months from then on. Well, being scared to death of cancer, I went in after 3 months. Just to be on the safe side. That was a week ago. Now I've got an appointment to go in next week for another colposcopy. (Fancy word for biopsy). Sometimes I think it's easier using because at least all the worries are numbed.  I also wonder, is it even worth it getting clean? I mean, I have so many health issues to deal with. It always ends up the same way. I take the drugs to deal with the physical pain. Usually from my endometriosis. Before I know it, I'm back at being addicted again. Then, I'm a little better and feel like I should stop. Then the WD's again. Finally, I feel like I've gotten things under control. Only to be in the same place again. It's like a never ending cycle. Is it never going to end? I just wish to God it would! Sorry, just needed to vent.

[LeaAnn807]

Great!  Well, not so much....well maybe? LOL I don't know!  Crying is good, to be honest.  I just don't like to be the reason someone does!  

You have lots more options than you may think.  My brother in law is an attorney who specializes in placing unborn children and babies into adoptive mommy and daddy arms!  That's what I call it! LOL So, I know a little bit about it but not a whole lot.  I just know that there are options.  Good ones.  You seem very decent, and I can tell that you want to do what's right and that you want to get your life and health straight and then have a baby.  Easy, right?  Should be!  And I'm sorry that it isn't.  

Once you're feeling better and have some answers, you'll calm down.  This isn't a reason to use.  Please, PLEASE remember this!  And also, please don't diagnose yourself.  Don't be all gloom and doom until you know something for sure. We can help support you.  Just don't go away and use.  That isn't the answer here! : )

[Abby_916]

You have helped! You don't know how much! It's like I don't even have to explain anything, you already understand my situation completely. You guys are so right. I guess once I have a handle over this cancer, I should think about other options. Ok, now you made cry. In a good way!

[LeaAnn807]

You're NOT alone.....about any of it!  Teresa said something pretty powerful, and it almost made me cry, well the whole thread has, but anyway (lol got off track!) She reminded you that lots of sweet children, babies and even siblings need loving homes with a wonderful mommy.  Your dream may not turn out just like you wanted, but you can still have a piece.  And with the surgery, you can be free of the horrible pain that paralyzed us for so many years.  I started out at 14 just passing out from pain and "the other" only once a month.  By 37, I was literally experiencing it constantly. Flat on my back on a heating pad or curled up in a ball, unable to even get up all the time. Couldn't even leave the house or EVER plan to go anywhere. Could my drug use have been messing with it?  YEP!  But, I don't know.  My mom  had it.  Both grandmothers and my only aunt.  So it's kinda possibly genetic with me.  

Anyway, I got way off track, but I wanted to share a little so that you know that you are NOT alone.  I have two beautiful daughters, so I was and am blessed (And I KNOW that!) but you can still have a baby. May just have to be another route!  

Wish I could help....   : (

[Abby_916]

Thank you. Please enjoy your time with your nephew. That's reminds me, maybe I should go over to my brother's house. It's helped a lot just to get it out of my system and to also know I'm not alone. Hugs

[Abby_916]

I wanted a baby really badly before. I'm stilling hoping but I think I've gotten over that crazy want now. Docs have said the hardest issue for me is getting pregnant. There's no way without IVF. If that should ever happen, I'd probably be able to carry it to term. Sigh. Gotta deal with today's news first. I really wish it is a false positive. That's what my doc told me last time, but ended up having the cancer.

[Teresa1717]

Honey I wish I could talk more, but My nephew is here now. I am happy to PM with you though if you want to talk more. Please dont be upset, and please dont give up because you think theres n reason now to not use. There are PLENTY of reasons to not use! You told me something like that right? Not to use? So Im telling you the same things doll. Im here for you, as well as everyone else!

xo

[Abby_916]

I hated the side effects of lupron too. It was full blown menopause at 25.
Sadly, like you, I too got addicted after my first surgery. Didn't know we have almost the exact same story.

[Teresa1717]

I wanted a baby SO bad and thats the reason why I waited until I was 35 to go ahead an do the hysterectomy. But my Dr told me many many times that it would be highly uinlikely for me to get pregnant and if I did, I would likey miscarry. I didnt care, I wanted to try just once but it came to the point that my quality of life was worth more than holding out for hope that I knew would never happen. Now this is just me , I dont know what yoru Dr's have toldf you, But I just wanted to throw that outr there. There are alot of kids who need a good loving home, Just remember that. Your goals of being a mom arent over just because you have a hysterectomy.

[Abby_916]

Thanks Pat. :,(  feel like crying too.

[Teresa1717]

I had stage IV too but was lucky it hadnt spread ot my cervix (i actually still have my cervix) BUt did have 2 lesions on my small intestine and they did do the hysterectomy anyways. So Im not sure if thats a deal breaker for you. My Dr. did tell me that with my endo that if it was to get into my cervix it can sometimes give a false positive. so That may be something to ask your Dr.

I wasnt sure if you had done Lupron, Bt yeah FDA only allows 6 months at a time but after the waiting period you can get them again. For me, I hated the side effects so I didnt do them again. Wow, Its like you and I are can definitely relate and because I know HOW bad it *****, I am so so sorry!  I think a hysterectomy may be your best choice so I hope that your Dr will do it. I had mine 5 years ago even with the lesions on my small intestines and It was the best thing I ever did!! (i just didnt have an excuse to use anymore hahaha)

[Pat1956100]

Hi Abby
I am so sorry for what you are going through.  My heart goes out to you.
I pray that you can get through this.
Please vent away whenever you want.

Hugs
Pat

[Abby_916]

Thanks for the post. I didn't realize how many of you have gone thru similar pain. I'm so torn sometimes. I want to have the hysterectomy done so the pain will maybe end, or at least lessen. Then there is the little hope that I just might be able to have one baby. I was actually getting ready for IVF until this news today. Having a baby was a HUGE reason for getting clean. I just turned 31, so yeah don't have much time anyway. Especially with how bad my situation is. Sigh. Just feel so darn unlucky sometimes.

[LeaAnn807]

I'm sorry, Abby!  That's very awful to have to take when you're getting clean and trying so hard.  Let it be your inspiration to keep taking charge of your life.  You don't have to give up and keep using, because it's easier.  I promise that there WILL come a day that it won't be easier at all.  You don't want to have to worry about health issues AND active addiction, do you?  That's a big burden for any one person!  I do understand your exact problem.  I had so many female problems that I had to have a hysterectomy THE SAME MONTH that I got clean two and a half years ago.  I got clean right before the hysterectomy and didn't take a single pain pill after it.  They did mine through a scope, and I was sore, but it was nothing nearly as bad as what I'd dealt with my whole life.  

That may not be an option for you.  I don't know.  I had mine at 37 years old.  And it was a WONDERFUL thing for me.  I waited until I was forced to have it.  You know why?  Because I wanted to use it for an excuse to use.  I finally got sick of ALL of it.  And I did something.  Like I said, it may not be an option for you, but using right now IS an option. Pleas don't, honey!

[Abby_916]

Thanks sweety. It helps a lot to vent.

[Abby_916]

I've had 2 ablations. One at the age of 24, one 3 months later. Even if I were to have a hysterectomy, which I will soon, doctors don't know how much it will help due to the fact the endometriosis has spread to the small intestine as well as the cervix. No need to explain to you how painful it is.  I have stage IV. The worst possible. I've been hospitalized for upto 9 days at a time. I've tried lupron, but they won't give it for more than six months at a time. You know, causes bone thinning. I'm on continuos birth control for now. It helps but I still have the flare ups. If I had to choose between an endometriosis flare up and WD symptoms, I'd take the WD on any given day. The pain from the other is so excruciating. It just feels so hopeless sometimes. I mean, I'm not giving up, but I end up back where I was anyway.

[toothfairie]

so sorry for your bad new Abby....i know it is scary....not much to add to the above post.....just know we are thinking of you and hoping this turns out well!!  and you are worth it to be clean and full of life again!!  we are here for you!!  vent all you want!!  xoxo

[Teresa1717]

Wow honey, first let me say Im so sorry about the Cervical cancer, I cant imagine how scarey that is for you and what must be going through your mind. I hope and pray that your biopsy will show its caught early enough and they can treat this with ease.

I had endometriosis, SEVERELY. I was first diagnosed with it when I was 24 after many years of painful periods and a bunch of other problems. After that first surgery I had 9 more which eventually led to my hysterectomy when i was 35. And that first surgery is what started me down my path to pill addiction. So I know the pain your having and unless someone has gone through the same thing, they cant quite understand it ya know?  But honey, When you say is it worth even getting clean? Of course it is!! I mean, why wouldnt you think it would be?? Because you have cervical cancer? I mean obviously we dont know what stage or anything like that but dont you want to live again once you beat it? Live where you can have a life that doesnt involve your every waking moment thinking about these things? You are worth being sober, and You are worth being clean. You are worth it!

Im sorry that your going through this. I really am. Have you talked to your dr about a hysterectomy? that would fix the Endometriosis and the cervical cancer too? What about :Lupron injections? Uterine Ablations? There are many things to help with the Endometriosis but obvisouly the Cervical cancer throws a kink in it. I dont know, Just trying to throw stuff out there. If you want talk, Im here. Just please dont give up on yourself because your scared...Your life is worth better than that!