Why cant I just stop!

[Ken]

I am getting so fed up with myself. This **** has such a hold on me that I want to just give in and say I am a junkie and will always be one. I blew it again! Eight days clean and I had to cop some pills. Now Ive been taking them for three days And know that I am gonna feel awful again.Its like Lays potato chips , you cant eat just one , I feel like a fool to keep going back on this **** when I have been through the hard part of detoxing off of them. I know I should go in to an inpatient program, but I dont want my family and friends to know that I am hooked on drugs again. They think I am doing so good since I have gotten  off the alcohol and cocaine, now to tell my parents that I am a junkie would kill them. I just wish there was an easy way to keep myself away from these god awful drugs. I am starting again please pray for me and respond with your words of wisdom. Chad if your out there , tell me how brother. Ken

[nine]

Ginger If you ever want to write to me-I will listen > I've been alone a drowning for a life time and I too have been prescribed Paxil and It just makes me sick. Depression sucks (I know) I would much rather stick a needle in my arm. then do the drugs the doctors prescribe? Go figure... But thats eventually bullshit ttoo.MY address is nine_7_of***@****

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I read your post and got so angry! Any third grader could have given you that advice for free. That shrink doesn't live in the real world at all. I'm surprised if she didn't prescribe you some Paxil and Ultram to cope with life. I've been there and done that. Being back at square one is frustrating, but at least you know that shrinks are full of sh*t. If I could just stop using drugs and learn to live with myself, I would'nt be here now. Take care of yourself and your family Ginger. I don't even know what else I can tell you at this point. Life is hard but a life in pain is intollerable.

[ginger to Tom]

I swear I didn't hit it twice!!  so sorry!! Anyway, the shrink was no help. She said I was a borderline addict and shouldn't have ANY pills of ANY kind and told me to just "stop doing what I am doing and learn to live with myself.  Isn't THAT great advice?  well, looks like i am back to square one again.
sigghhhhhh.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Quit hitting the submit twice! I have a nervous finger too sometimes. I am not going to put my initials on anything anymore because someone is deleting whole threads for some reason. Seems like when Dr. S finally shows up, things get edited out. I wonder what the reason for that is. What happened to freedom of speach and the freedom to explore our own identities in order to get well. Hope to hear from you soon.

[ginger to anyone]

Well, it looks like my questions got erased yesterday.  maybe they weren't important or I broke some "rule".  Whatever.  I am just trying to get help.  When I saw this, it made me angry.  I decided this morning that I am going to make an appointment with a shrink who is a real human being to talk to.  I figured that under my psychological addiction, I have an underlying depression.  Dang, I hope they don't try to put me on SRI's again!!!  Those things make you lose your appetite, puke, give you the shakes and keep you up all night.  I don't know why doctors think Paxil is so good...it sucks. Well, I'm off to the head doctor.  Am I doing the right thing I wonder?

[ginger to anyone]

Well, it looks like my questions got erased yesterday.  maybe they weren't important or I broke some "rule".  Whatever.  I am just trying to get help.  When I saw this, it made me angry.  I decided this morning that I am going to make an appointment with a shrink who is a real human being to talk to.  I figured that under my psychological addiction, I have an underlying depression.  Dang, I hope they don't try to put me on SRI's again!!!  Those things make you lose your appetite, puke, give you the shakes and keep you up all night.  I don't know why doctors think Paxil is so good...it sucks. Well, I'm off to the head doctor.  Am I doing the right thing I wonder?

[Lynn to Neena]

This web site is like my own NA meeting. Needless to say, I ate almost every one of the pills I copped this morning, I had to save 2 for the morning. God forbid I didn't have my morning percs. Do you know I havent gone one single day in over 9 months without at least two pills in my system? And I'm not bragging about it. Wow, its exhausting being an addict, isnt it? So if I don't write for a while, don't worry about me. I'm in my own little pill world

[Lynn to Neena]

Yeah, I'm O.K. (Does anyone know how to start a new post so we don't have to scroll back to Sept?) I woke up this morning with one thought, who can I call to get percs? One call, 25 pills later, I consider this a good day. Lets see how long these will last, considering I take 4 to start and 2 at a time to keep it going, and I have to do this every day just to feel normal. Ginger, how I wish I could only take one pill, those days are over. Still addicted. Hopeless

[ginger to Tom]

yep.  I screwed up yesterday. then another thing happened that really convinced me I'm a sicko.  i got all upset because a pill box with a couple of vikes in it i normally keep in my purse was missing.  I turned my purse upside down looking for it and was in a bad mood until i found that i had put it in a different purse.  whew!  what a nut eh?  I took the one vike yesterday and was of course high as a kite but i didn't sleep well.  My abcess is getting better though.  funny, i should be feeling real guilty for using the vike yesterday but i don't.  i'm just thinkin, "oh, i needed it because i was in real pain so therefore it's ok."---yeah right, and i enjoyed every minute of the high too.  I'm sure i would have survived just taking advil too.  oh well.  thanks Sandi.  I'm here all day too.  I hope Lynn is OK.  Lynn, if you're reading this, honey, we're here for ya.  i like the opiates too and i don't mind saying it so write some stuff, Lynn!

[Sandi to "JB"]

Hi,
HOw are you? I just read your posting & I know EXACTLY how you feel..I am also an addict & I was clean for 6 days & relapsed back to the lorcet due to real pain....I  am hear everyday ifyou want to chat-just remember we have a disease & we are here to help each other in one way or another....
Sandi

[ginger to Tom]

lynn, you must be feeling terrible right now.  so do i.  i guess misery loves company and i'm certainly a hypocrite telling you this but please don't give up, honey.  i've screwed up today but i'm gunna go on.  believe it or not, you've helped me by what you just wrote.  i realized that i'm not the only one who feels hopeless.  it's the power of the drugs that make us do bad things.  it's not you!  I know I just showed up here a few days ago and you don't know me from Adam and maybe i don't know sh--about anything but i'm pulling for you.  don't stop writing even if you think you cant quit.  who cares?  i'll still be your friend, ok?  keep writing!  it has to help.  i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[ginger to Tom]

Well, too late.  I broke down and took the vike.  I can't wait for it to kick in and for this pain to stop.  I was sitting here crying and I finally said to myself, "why the hell are you letting yourself suffer this way??" No one wants to hear me complain and I don't have time to feel bad.  there's lots of work that needs to get done.  Therefore, I must self-medicate.  I've discovered that taking 1/2 a vike and a motrin along with it really does the job.  It doesn't sound like much but I'm not a very big person so it will be most effective.  Too bad I'm ruining 10 days without vike but that's the way it is.

[ginger to Tom]

Well, too late.  I broke down and took the vike.  I can't wait for it to kick in and for this pain to stop.  I was sitting here crying and I finally said to myself, "why the hell are you letting yourself suffer this way??" No one wants to hear me complain and I don't have time to feel bad.  there's lots of work that needs to get done.  Therefore, I must self-medicate.  I've discovered that taking 1/2 a vike and a motrin along with it really does the job.  It doesn't sound like much but I'm not a very big person so it will be most effective.  Too bad I'm ruining 10 days without vike but that's the way it is.

[Lynn to Neena]

Guys, I'm jumping off this post, simply because I'm being a hypocrite by saying I want to stop percs. Simple truth is, I don't. I can't wait until my next pill comes along, I can't imagine life without them. I was so desperate today because I had none that at lunchtime I saw a guy (mid 40's) in a neckbrace and said "Wow, that looks painful, what are you taking?" Well, when he said percocets my heart stopped and to make a long story short I made a drug deal with a perfect stranger!!!! So you see how desperate these things can make you. I won't be writing in anymore, but I'll be following all your stories. Thanks for being here when I needed you, but I'm hopeless.

[susanlea]

It's Monday morning, are you OK? I'll be on here, on and off most of the day, if you need someone to talk to. Hang in there, one hour at a time. Let me know.

[Lynn to Neena]

Oh my god the unthinkable happened. I miscalculated my supply and ran out of percs and have no way to more until next week. This has never happened. Maybe its the best thing but you can't convince me of that right now, I'm so uncomfortable. Here comes the cold turkey detox I will unwillingly have to go through, I will probably have to take some xanax I just detoxed from to relieve the anexiety. I can't believe my life is one big drug roller coster. Anyone want to send me some?? (just kidding, I think)

[Lynn to Neena]

I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't I can't. This morning (Sat) I started off with 4 and tried to chase the buzz all morning. Now its 3:00 and I'm sitting here feeling nothing but stupid and tired, and got nothing accomplished today. I will never be able to do this on my own, in patient care is going to be the only way, but I can't take time off right now because I just got back from a 3 day suspension. I can see how people commit suicide, (although I'd never do it) but I can see how its possible.

[Jacki]

my boyfriend is vinny...and today went into a detox program.  I am He had the courage and strength to realize that he couldnt do it all by himself.  I have so much resoect for him for standing up to this thing.  It took everything he had to tell his family, and they supported him.  He chooses life......one that he can focus in......and enjoy.  This website was an eye opener to him.....thank you to all who inspired him

[Lynn to Neena]

Amy, first you are not alone. Read my postings under xanax and you will see I unwillingly detoxed from xanax and running out of them was the best them that ever happened to me.  I never want to  go through that detox again.  Now the percs are another story.....I am exactly where you are; afraid to wake up without them on my dresser to get me going. I am so proud that I quit xanax but make myself sick that I cant quit percs.  No, make that  wont.  If my supply ran out and I unwillingly had to detox I'd have no choice now would I but my supply never runs out DAMN IT and I don't know how to say know when they call. But I am finding that they aren't giving me the energy they used to, either. I used to do my fall cleaning with 50 pills for the weekend but now I'm just eating out of habit, not to clean. I joined the gym so I could get a good cardio workout and not have to rely on zanax anymore to sleep, and its working.  If I could just give up these   percs I'd be so happy.  Oh god when will this cycle end?? See, you are not alone. Read about my xanax withdrawal. It was the worst thing I ever remember putting myself through.

[Amy to Bob]

I've been sitting here reading all these stories, and it all sounds very familiar except for one part. I'VE NEVER TRIED TO QUIT YET!! I've gone a few hours (5-8) without having any and have felt like i was dying then! What the hell will I feel like if i just wake up one morning and don't take any at all? OH MY GOD! I've been taking anywhere from 10-20 percs.,lortab 10/500 or norco and also take 2 80mg oxy's everyday! How in God's name will i ever be able to just STOP??? I'm afraid not only of the withdrawls, but I'm afraid of going into shock or worse! I've been addicted for almost 5 years now, but when i first started, i only used to take 4-5 perc's a day. Now I take 10 or more plus the oxy 2 80mg a day ( 1 80mg in the a.m. and 1 80mg in afternoon sometimes even 3 80 mgs a day!) How crazy is that?! I have a beautiful home, (very clean because i'm always frigg'n cleaning) and an awesome husband and son, so yea i realize it's not good for me and that's the reason i'm in here typing my ass off to all you guys and telling you that i don't want to take them anymore because i'm getting scared of liver damage and all that stuff.  So to put an end to this book i've written, sorry, I guess i'm saying thanks for being here. PLEASE WRITE BACK TO ME WITH ANY RESPONSE OR ANYTHING THAT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL SO "NOT ALONE",        SINCERELY, AMY

[Lynn to Neena]

Hi Ken, I was wondering if you ever made a clean break? I don't know how to post a new question i.e "Why can't I stop?" Can you do it for me so we don't have to scroll down the page so long. I've had insommnia for the past 3 nights from tapering off the percs (down to 2 in the morning) to completely stopping xanax! I knew you were doing really well, up to day 8, how'd it go from there?

[daiseyhfree]

I'm on day 18 of detox, & the demons are perched on my back.  I can feel their fire burning my skin, & they are buzzing in my ears.  Hell, the MENTAL part is why I started using in the first place.  I've been going to NA, just to remind myself it can be done.  I go to the mental health clinic monday.  I think I need some anti-psychosis meds.  Until then I am burning in the hell of my own mind.  Please, I just want to turn it off.  Yes the mental part will kick your ass.  Stick with Kicking & let's all stick together.  ***@****

[VINNIE TO ALL / READ THIS !!!!!!!!!]

11 days is great without a pill, Ken .... your not out of the woods yet my friend. has the mental part kicked in yet? well im here for you brother. dont loose your mind like i did. yeah here comes round #2 for me. i started my detox today. i do it slow, i get down to 5 pills a day then could turkey. right now im at 15 a day. tomorrow 12 and so on. so lets help each other, i know i need it.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

round 2 thats all? dont worry about it. it took me 10 trys, but at least i didnt quit trying. now im on 11 days clean and never felt better. so dont give up, its not easy to quit, but its easy to give up. hang in there!