Why cant I just stop!

[Ken]

I am getting so fed up with myself. This **** has such a hold on me that I want to just give in and say I am a junkie and will always be one. I blew it again! Eight days clean and I had to cop some pills. Now Ive been taking them for three days And know that I am gonna feel awful again.Its like Lays potato chips , you cant eat just one , I feel like a fool to keep going back on this **** when I have been through the hard part of detoxing off of them. I know I should go in to an inpatient program, but I dont want my family and friends to know that I am hooked on drugs again. They think I am doing so good since I have gotten  off the alcohol and cocaine, now to tell my parents that I am a junkie would kill them. I just wish there was an easy way to keep myself away from these god awful drugs. I am starting again please pray for me and respond with your words of wisdom. Chad if your out there , tell me how brother. Ken

[steve]

try NA or AA , atleast that is anonomus(sorry I can't spell that word). There is alot more to staying clean then just putting down the pills.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

I do go to aa and na, and have for several years. I know that I dont work a good program though. I am not totally convinced that I can never use again, you know, I have those reservations still that oneday I will be able to use again. I dont know, maybe I just need to go inpatient one more time! Its just so hard to admit to myself that I cant beat this on my own.

[steve]

I totally understand what you mean about beating it on your own. I had a hard time admitting to myself that I couldn't do it or control it on my own. ( I'm an ex Ironworker, we never say can't,haha) But there comes a time(well it did for me) to give up and ask for help, I had to stop figuring things out for myself and listen to someone else for a change. I had to accept that I had a disease. That I had no power to stop. So I dove into the program(AA) and I do what is suggested. I don't use one day at a time. Don't worry about tommorrow and 10yrs from now. Deal with today. Sounds corny, dosen't it, but alot of the stuff I hear in AA sounds corny, but it works if I do it. I could never get clean and sober before and AA helped me to get 8yrs clean and sober, Then I relasped (that's a story in itself). But know I am clean and sober for 51/2months and that is a miracle. Thanks to AA, and the effort I put into it. You only get what you put in.                      Good luck , If all else fails Pray.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Man can I relate to you. I went through a 21 day program recently that was outpatient and felt great the day I graduated. On the way home I stopped at the pharmacy and got a refill of Lorcet to celebrate my great accomplishment.  Two days later I had taken 30 of them.  The cycle went on and on and on.  You know what I mean?  It will go on as long as you chose to do it!

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

I choose not to do it any more, but I have made that choice before, several times in fact. But I do feel different this time. Each time so far has gotten a little bit better. I have learned to hate this drug more each time. And I know that I cant do this on my own. So I let my counsiler in on this, not to mention my dealer, and the all important one my soon to be wife. She has been my rock, not giving up on me when I gave up on myself. And of course the one thing I know I have to do differently is to turn it over to god, god knows I have been a miserable failuir doing this on my own.

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Ken, the most important thing to remember is that just because you did this again you are not a looser. I have a different view on this stuff compared to most of the people. I believe that as long as you continue to try to stay clean you are doing much better. I am sure you are like me in the sence that you look for excuses to use. I'll tell you what. This has been a screwed up week for me. Some lady wrecked my car, I didn't get approved for a school loan, my mother told me I am a quitter and that I'll never amount to anything, I got a nasty sinus infection....dude, I could go on and on. Point is this, life sucks big time! But I believe that only you can make it better. Do what you have to but remember, life on dope just complicates things. It would be so easy to get high and forget about everything. The only problem is that tommorow the same problems will be there. We both know that a person isn't meant to be high every day. Eight days clean is awesome. You already went through the detox part so that is the good news, the bad news is that if you don't stop today you are just going to have to go through it again. I can tell you that I was clean (meaning I didn't use any perks or oxy's) for like 18 days. Then I went and got high with my girlfriend for like five days. The idea that I was using again made me sick. The main reason I was so mad at myself was the fact that I was in such pain for 6 days while going through detox. I was like, why the hell would I want to put myself through that again? Luckily, we didn't have the withdrawl like we had before. Maybe Tom could awnser why but all I know is that I was so Damm happy I didn't have to feel that way again. So we quit and haven't used since. Until yesterday...we got a couple of 40's and chewed them up. I don't know why but I can tell you this. The **** just makes us feel bad. I don't get off on them at all. Even if I am getting off I guess I am so mad for using that I don't feel it. So why use? The stuff is expensive and it just isn't the same. I can't concentrate when I am on Oxy's. I have a hard time keeping my mind on anything in particular and that drives me nuts! I wish I had an awnser for you but I don't. I can tell you this. If the drugs are making everything in your life so bad then only you can change it. No program is going to work for you if you don't want to quit. I feel like a complete ******* for taking that pill today and for that reason I know that it will be a long time before I take another one. At least another day or two. HA HA, just tryin' to keep it light..We all have the power to stop. For me I know that I can't lead a productive life while taking pills. I have acomplished more in theese past couple of weeks then I have for the last three years. So that tells me something. If I stay clean then my life will only improve. I am to the point where the only thing that matters is a better future for my girlfriend and I. You have to stop to give yourself a chance to see what life is like straight. I am not saying that you have to stop forever but if you are like me then you know that we can't just do one line and thats it. There are people out there like that but I know I'm not one of them. It sounds like you are like me. So take it easy on yourself. Don't feel bad about the relapse. Wake up tommorow and don't use any. Trust me, I don't think that you are physiccaly addicted again. Probably just mentally. Try to get throgh all moring without anything and take it from there. You will see that you will feel fine and then you can make a desission not to use for the rest of the day. By Saturday you will be back to your normal self. Good luck man, I'll be on-line all night if you need to talk....Do you have ICQ? Chad

[to chad]

Dude if you feel like **** when you use, why do you keep using? I feel great when I use that's why I relapse.You say you two feel like puking and stuff when you take them? I don't get it.Did you say you were going to get into computers? They have this cool feature: Spell checking !!
Try it out man, it works great.

[Lynn to Neena]

You sound exactly like me. EXACTLY. I can't stop either, Ken, I just stopped trying.  First I tried the "taper" method, cutting down to just 2 pills in the morning.  That lasted about 3 days.  See, my problem is that is have 4 people who go to doctors each month and they all call me! It's so hard for me to say no, when they call.  You wanna talk about tolerance? I'm only 5 feet, 110 pounds, and eat 5 pills at a time, up to 25 a day. And I still don't get that high that I used to.  Its a wonder I haven't OD'd yet. I had my bags packed ready to go to re-hab where they used buprenex to detox ya, but I knew I'd cave in once I got home and the stupid phone rang.  I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I envy all the ex-addicts who are now "clean and sober" living normal lives.  I want that so bad. Why can't we stop,Ken? I have a good job, husband, health, so there are no underlying problems.  I didn't get anything out of the NA meetings, only a free cup of coffee. I know I sound so hell bent on not being able to stop. I have had a least 2 pills in my system every day for the past 9 months. Monday I copped 30, and tried to "save" them for the weekend. They lasted 8 hours.  How am I doing? I'm so glad I found this website. All these other people addicted just like me. I don't feel so alone. Well, gotta eat another perc. 20 minutes has passed.  If you can figure something out, I'm all ears.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

These words of wisdom were sent to me in another forum and I had to share them with you , by the way I go by Buck in the other forum.Yeah, Buck. You've been through hell. And its hard to know what to say to someone who has experienced your level of pain.
I had a sociology professor who told me something I only recently learned to understand, to internalize. He said, "You only learn who you are, what you are made of, by experiencing the big, BIG contrasts." For years, I thought about that...clueless, absolutely clueless. But I think I get it now. You say, "Why do I have to be an addict? Why me?" Well, maybe, Buck, you have to be an addict so that in time, soon, perhaps, you can be something much greater, something you could only be after visiting hell and surviving: someone, as Fred says, with NO FEAR, someone, as JIMC told me, "who battled the devil and won."

In that war, Buck, there will be power like none you've ever know. You will beat this addiction. Like Domino, you "will kick [it]in the ass." You will rise up above it. You will have...no fear.

Now, without this demon-thing to fight, could you ever acquire such strength? Doubt it. All the great poets, writers, philosphers made this assertion--from the earliest writings, (Beowulf, The Wanderer: "No man may know wisdom until many a winter has been his fortune") to, well, something I read in the paper yesterday, "It is hell that, ultimately, will set you free."

You're going to make it, Buck. But you have to believe it...maybe even, "Fake it until you make it." (Tell yourself you're strong, invincible, a survivor even when you feel your weakest.)

Be brave.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

There is another forum that is very helpful. Not that this one isnt. But I need all the support I can get. here is the link:   http://neuro-mancer.mgh.harvard.edu/ubb/Forum2/HTML/002274.html

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I've been fighting this addiction thing for a long time as have you.  I've had many relapses and each time it does get easier for me. Everything in life gets easier the longer you live. Things that would keep me awake nights in worry, I now just take in stride and keep going. It's called experience.  Yeah, I still feel guilty about popping a few pills today but the feeling goes away shortly. I have been joy popping for about 5 years now and have never gone full blown addicted as I once was. I guess I'm bad but that's just me take it or leave it. No where in the Bible does it say that we have to be perfect.  I heard a saying that reminded me of Chad at an AA meeting--"There's nothing as pitiful as an alcoholic with a head full of AA and a belly full of booze!".  Think of all the guilt and shame we go through when we fail despite of all of our promises,hard work, hopes for future sobriety. I don't fault a man for getting knocked down but despise the man who will not get up again after being knocked down. Keep trying, man!

[angie]

Ken your main problem is you are to busy thinking about what people think about you.  You probably started doing them because of what your peers thought.  And now you won't get help because of what your relatives might say.  Let's get more concern with building up your self esteem, and getting yourself the help you deserve. Realizing you are more important than all your fears is half your battle and getting of the dope is the other half.  I love you.

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

JB, I don't get your refrence to me?
Angie, how have you been doing?

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

You may be right to a certain extent. If you read my posts in the other forum you would know more about me and my problems. And what my abuse stems from.  I will get it rather than write it all over again. brb

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

I want to start by apologizing, I am sorry for my comments I made about c/p. I have had a very hard time trying to stop using. But it is not a good excuse for being insensitive. Some things in my life have made me a bit numb. And I always medicated to not have to deal with the emotions that come with tragedies ,and lately I’ve had all of these emotions come out and I don’t know how to deal with them. So if I have been a bit harsh to some I truly am sorry.
I began using very young and my brother and I were almost inseparable , we were close in age and did a lot of parting together. A few years ago on a duck hunting trip we were partying after hunting and didn’t put our guns away, when my gun fell and went off and killed my brother, Needless to say I was devastaded , and I went into a deep depression and began to use drugs and alcohol heavily. My wife at the time couldn’t take my behavior and decided to start seeing someone else. To my disbelief it turned out to be another woman. So I fell deeper into a depression and my addiction. But now I am trying very hard to begin a new way of life. I have a wonderful woman who I love very much and 3 beautiful daughters. So if I seem a bit bitter , or cold , I am sorry. I just don’t like to hear about how many people get to take drugs for their problems and I cant for mine. My wounds are deep too you just can’t see them.
This is some of my story, and Chad I downloaded ICQ but I dont know how to use it yet , My E-mail is ***@**** Write if you want to chat.

[To Ken from afiend]

holy **** Ken that is a horror story. I'm so sorry man. How DO you cope.I hate guns because I have a friend with the exact story. I can understand you getting cranky. I'm sure you went through much emotional hell. I really do wish you the best, I can't even begin to think of dealing with that. I don't think you owe any apologies. I've written a few mean ones to Chad just trying to shake him up enough to look at the problems people are dealing with. Not that his aren't bad, but for two weeks he just whined about those scripts waiting for us to say"go for it dude ". He did anyway, a lot of people tried to help and I got pissed that early on he didn't even ask about anybody else. Now he seems genuinely concerned about others and came back and admitted he is using.Like we didn't know.there is a world of sorrow and hurt out there as you well know. Sorry to hear that story. Chad don't bum on me I know withdrawl is a self centered process...I was going through it again when I wrote nasty. That sure as hell wasn't me about your spelling problem either dude. Keep your head up. How's your mate coping, does she post.Have her write something for a change bro, so we can get a different perspective.Can you tell I got my oxys today.Talking like i know it all baby.Ken, bless ya man!!

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Hey guys, sorry if I sounded if I only cared about myself. It is hard to focus on anyone else when you are going through such a horrible thing. As time went on I started posting to others concerning themselves. The problem is that I find it hard to offer help when I myself so screwed up. I know I did wrong by those scripts. I should have burned them from the start like so many of you suggested. I guess I wasn't truly ready to quit at the time. You know, I've been through so much with these damm drugs. I am no different than any of you when it comes to that. It is important for everyone to realize that I got alot of help from the stuff you guys told us. Some of it wasn't what I wanted to hear but it was true. The one thing I told myself was that I should never lie to you guys. If I truly wanted help then what would I benifit from doing so? I know that it would be cool to write that I never did another drug but that simply would have defeated the entire process. My girlfriend and I go through so much bullshit when it comes to drugs. You know how hard it is to deal with one persons demons let alone two? The point is, I screwed up when I took those oxy's when the script was due. In a sick way I am kind of glad that I did. I believe that it made me realize once again how theese pills can sneak up on you. I mean, one day I'm like wow, I can use them and have no detox period. I get them free so that solves that problem. In other words, I make a bunch of excuses as to why these pills benifit me. I know thats the addiction talking. Even though I can't spell to well I would like to believe that I am a smart man. I have made many mistakes and will probably make alot more. This addiction of mine will never go away. I am not fooling myself. I want to say something. I have another doctors apt. comming up in a week. Even though I know the value of the pills to both my own addiction and the cost. I will sacrafice that for the betterment of my life. I know realize that I can no longer be around that ****. A friend of mine came over the other day and he looked like ****. Don't get me wrong. He has a succesful job with the Philadelphia police dept. A beautiful house and a wife with two kids. But guess what? All of that don't mean **** when you have 600 mils. of oxy pumping through your body. I just sat back and thought how sad it is for him. Why am I any different? Just because I can get off on two or three 20's a day doesn't make me better than him. His life is almost gone due to the pills and he doesn't even know it. I refuse to contribute to his downfall and told him so. He lost his mind and cursed me out. But I think I made it better for him in the sence that it will be harder for him to get his pills. Maybe one day he will stop. I hope you guys understand what I am saying. How could I be so hiprocrictial, saying that drugs are bad and then turn around and sell them. I swear I will never sell one more pill. So why ever go back to that doctor? I never want to use them so I figure I have no need for them. I hope it works...Time will tell....Talk soon, CHAD

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Just replace the word alcohol with Oxy and maybe it'll make more sense. That's the insanity of the whole trip. Guilt, fear, confusion.  The fact is we know better and still do all these dumb things. I once sold some stuff to a friend of mine and then tried to buy it back the next day when I got sick and had nothing to stop my withdrawals. Now that was dumb. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

[Angie to Ken]

I just read a post from another angie. Maybe we should use our last initial or something. Ken, keep trying and you may just get it right. Don't give up! When you get tired of backsliding (we really beat ourselves up, don't we?) you may get the strength to go forward. Lot's of luck.

[loanne]

hey ken.  believe me, man, i can completely relate to you.  after i fessed up to my primary care dr. and calculated exactly how many percs i needed to slowly taper down to none, i flushed the rest of my stash.  it was a kind of statement to myself...kind of a committment to using for withdrawl slowly, not euphoria.  right now my attitude toward these damn pills is one of medicine to keep me from suffering more than i have to while getting free of them.  i have exactly enough to do the taper thing that my dr. and i put together, which will end up cutting them down to 1/4 at the end.  i already feel free from the obsession to use for a high.  can't wait until the day comes that i can wake up clean and stay that way.  i'm using aa and na as i did before for 5 yrs. when alcohol was my drug of choice.  hang in there.  we are capable of beating this with God's help and each other.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Thanks to all. I am not feeling so good right now, so I just will say , I am clean today, thanks for your kind words and I will check back later.

[ML]

I have suggested in the past that we use a last initial to not confuse things. A couple of weeks ago there was a bit of an ugly scene here because someone thought they were speaking to someone else because they had the same name. I highly recommend using a first name and last initial. Chad, your attitude has really taken a positive turn pal. I know what you mean about REALLY wanting to stop.This place is amazing. Total strangers will listen and offer any help or experiences they have had.Tom is like the unoffical chairman of the board. ha ( don't get mad real docs only kidding ) He has some great advice.And a wacky sense of humor to boot.

[Angie to Ken]

I am taking your advice and using my last initial which makes me AA, how appropriate! I noticed Chad's attitude has been more positive lately,also. I always hoped that I wouldn't enjoy my opiates anymore and that's how I would stop using. I remember using after completing my 3 month outpatient group therapy. I guess I was celebrating? Anyway, I felt miserable (physically and mentally)for the whole day. I tried to take more but it didn't help. I remember thinking, "This is great, it doesn't work for me anymore." Kind of like Chad's experience. The bad news is that,of course, I took it again and that time all the great feelings returned once again. The moral of the story is to stop testing ourselves. We always make excuses why we have to do it just one more time. Chad--Quit while your ahead!!!! I also appreciate Tom's great sense of humor. I look forward to coming here and sharing.

[Rob]

Greetings,

Well, after reading thru this Web site for about 3 hours, it has occurred to me that I'm not alone.  200mg of the ever so wonderful OXY's (NOT!) 3-4x daily, today is the 4th day of cold turkey detox, and the second time I've done it.  Many of you here have made me cry, not out of sadness/depression, but out of happiness, ya know what I mean, I'm not the only one dealing with this F@#KING BULLS@#T!  I have a very close buddy of mine that is going thru the same thing so I do gain some strength from speaking with him.  It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced, yet I've gone thru it twice, and twice waiting for the MAN to get back from vacation or some sh@# like that.  This time $450 a day was just too insane to deal with, I mean come on $165,000 annually, that's just NUTS!!  Somehow, someway the strength that's in some of you here will be inspirational for me.  I'm just tired of chasing the buzz, and the rationalization of, "It helps me work longer and harder."  What a crock of SH@#!!  Anyway, thanks for being there, and replies, slaps in the face........I swear, while I was typing you will never guess who just called.......YEP! and I didn't say no, however he didn't have any.  That's pretty sick of me.  What kind of IDIOT am I?  Like I said, replies, slaps in the face, encouraging words, all are welcomed.

[To Rob]

I've have been on here typing my sob story before and my friend came by with his fresh script and said " what are you doing? " I said, oh nothing, and hit erase. You can't surprise the people on this site. They really have,been there, done that etc. And they offer support. We gave the Chadster some ****, but now I think he understands why. Now he asks about others and is a little less self centered.I still wonder why we don't here from Chadette? I'd love to hear her take on things. And make Chad go in the other room when you write us so he doesn't influence what you have to say.See ya'll.

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

My girlfriend has a different outlook on things. I asked her to write you guys and she keeps saying yes but she never does. Anyway, I got shot down today for my school loan. I even had a co-signer. That means I truly have nothing to look forward to. I have been on this workman's comp for over a year and a half. Some people think that sitting at home getting paid is great. Well, after two or three weeks you run out of stuff to do. I think that is one of the main reasons we turned to drugs. We can always find something to do while high. So here I sit, again...should I get high? Why not? What do I have to do tommorow? Nothing! As matter of fact, I am free for the next fuc#%ing year! If I have to go through detox then at least I'll have something to do.....

That thought went through my mind for like five minutes today. I haven't used any drugs and don't plan to. The truth is that my life could be alot worse. I am glad to be able to pay my bills and still be able to go out. Here is the problem...How long am I going to be able to keep my strenth up? Obviously with all the bad stuff happining in my life it is tuff. Like I said before, I am no different than anyone else. Just give me a fu#$cking chance to prove myself!!!! This is living hell. Having to sit home and do nothing is the hardest part about quitting drugs.

PLEASE! Anyone considering going back on dope....DO NOT DO IT!!!
Take a look around at all you have and know that by using you could loose it all!

I guess I'll go try to figure a way out how to raise the money to go to school.

HEY ROB!!!
Do you mean that you spent $450.00 a day on Oxy's? Just remember that the guys selling the **** will pretend to be your best friend. Hell, I would even buy you a fuc^%ing fruit basket if you were buying that much! Good luck with the withdrawl thing. I guess you know what to expect. I don't really have anything to add other than I know that you can do it if only you want to. I can say that life is alot more interesting when your straight....Hopefully we will hear back from you telling us that you are clean. If not keep trying...

C H A D

[Lynn to Neena]

Finally, a websight after my own heart. I am full blown addicted to percocets, been eating them for 10 years now, but the addiction is getting worse since my tolerance is so high. I'm eating more pills to get that "energy" I used to, but its not happening. I'm a pig with them, plain and simple.  I got 30 last Monday and said I was gonna save them for the weekend. They lasted exactly 8 hours. Then I got nervous because I knew I'd be sick so I called everyone I knew and finally I found this girl who broke her leg and she sold me some.  Last month I almost broke down, I looked in the mirror and wanted to smash it! I looked like ****, puffy face, bags under my eyes, just awful.  So I really tried to taper and it worked for a few days. I got myself down to just 2 pills in the morning, I only felt slight withdrawal, because I was still giving my body opiates. But then 2 people called and I caved in and bought 100 of them! I'm sick of this cycle. Cop, pig out, start to detox, feel better, then get more. Rehab won't work, I'll get clean and wont be able to say no to the people who call. I envy all the ones who are clean and sober. Can someone explain the One day at a time theory? I don't know what it is like to be clean for one day. HEEEEEELP!

[Lynn to Neena]

One more thing and then I'll let someone else talk.  You know the saying "Pain has no Memory?" After we put ourself through the agony of withdrawal, we swear we will NEVER put bodies through that kind of torment again. But along come more pills, and we conveniently forget about all the pain we just endured. So we take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back each time we relapse. Why do we willingly and knowingly abuse ourselves?
Don't forget to help me with One day at a time. OK? Thank you fellow pill poppers. I don't feel so all alone.

[Rob]

Hey Lynn,

They are truly EVIL aren't they?  I mean, how can something sooo good be so bad?  I have just gone thru the second full blown detox on my own, last Fri @ 2:30 was the last dose of two and one half 80mg of OXY's, and last night I was finally able to eat and be somewhat normal.  I'm not nearly back to normal yet, well, normal being a relative term in my case :).  I haven't gone to any counseling, NA, etc..  Why?  Good question, but here's my situation, business owner with Mom and Dad just a few blocks away, successful friends, and an ego the size of my home state Florida.  However, I have been thinking very hard about going to see a counselor, for lack of a better description, and I think a one on one setting is better for me.  I went one time to an NA meeting and felt soooo ashamed, I just stared at my feet.  I guess we have to find our niche, what WILL work for us and like the Nike slogan, "JUST F@#KING DO IT."  Actually, I don't think the slogan used all of the terms I used, but I'm still a little emotional.  Am I rambling here or what?  Sorry.  Here are a few very true cliches; Work hard and good things WILL happen.  Good things usually don't come easy.  It ain't easy being me, this one is a little lame, but I thought some humor might lighten things up a bit.  Lynn, you have to find what will work for you, and find it quickly and naturally STICK with it.  This life of ours is NOT NORMAL!!  People do function without this SH@T, and so can all of us.  Apply the same vigor in finding help, as you do in finding some pills (my nickname for them is "BEANS").  Try it, you just might find a new life that is enjoyable.  Finally, talking to people that are in the same situation seems to help......for me at least.  Go and "JUST F@#KING DO IT."  Right NOW!!  Last cliche for now; There's no time like the present.  GOOD LUCK!!  Please DON'T give up, that's the easy way out.  If you need someone to talk with, I'm not leaving.  OH, one last thing, music works for me as well, I guess it's some sort of inspiration for example;  Match Box Twenty (20) (I think they changed the twenty, Artists, there's an interesting breed) Anyway, they have this song titled, "Back To Good" I'm pretty sure that's the name, it's on their first CD.  Then there's Pearl Jam's "Release" on the "Ten" CD.  I hope some of my rambling has helped, sorry.  From my heart, GOOD LUCK!!

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

One day at a time, yea right! Some times I have to take it one miniute at a time. I am on day 5 of my 10th or so detox. So its not easy, you just have to want it. I know what you mean about others having them, its so hard not to use when they are there in your face. But I try to just say to myself I just wont use today, and Ill worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Good luck, we're here for you!

[Rob to Ken]

Welcome to day 5, I'm there myself this is my second time.  My buddy is on day 6 this is his sixth time, and he read your message regarding the number of times you've done this.....in short, it FREAKED HIM OUT!!!  He and I hang out and talk about the past, pain, pills, etc. etc. detox, etc., more pain, detox, and what IDIOTS we were/are, it's VERY helpful for both of us.  If you need to BS with one of us check back.  GOOD LUCK with that GOD AWFUL roller coaster we're on.

[Angie to Ken]

Have you ever run out of the percs over the past ten years? How did you get to only taking 2 in the am without experiencing withdrawl? How many percs do you take in a day? How much did the 100 pills cost you? Have you ever gotten into trouble because of the drug? Taking them for 10 years is a very long time. How did you get started on them in the first place? I know there are a lot of questions but we all have a story. Sometimes it's a relief to spill it all out anonymously. How's your home life? Please respond when you can. THANKS

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Yeah Rob, We ARE idiots.  Gluttons for punishment. How can you and your buddy you used with try to quit together? To me that sounds like instant relapse, one or the other of you will crumble and drag the other one down. Dont get me wrong, I hope you can do it , and maybe for you its the way to go, but for me it would be disaster. When I used crack, I had a good buddy (yea right)who I used with, now i cant even call him or I get thoughts of using. Maybe its different for you , and I hope so, but I would be careful, do meetings together and stuff like that but dont talk one another into using. I fell so many times, and I know why, its because I didnt seperate myself from my source. Now it may be different this time, she's really pissed at me. Oh Well! Good luck guys !  Your friend in recovery , KEN

[tom to Lynn]

The concept of One Day at a Time: Bill W. and other founding members of AA discovered that no one could stay sober if they thought of sobriety in terms of their whole lives. But if they just focused on today, "I don't know about tomorrow, but I know today I will not drink," people who could never stop drinking could make it. The idea is, yes, you can stop yourself from using for a single day. Then the next day, stop yourself from using for just one day. Do it again. And so on ... This philosophy works for many things, not just drugs and booze. But it does work. I made it through a 90-day residential rehab where, if I was kicked out, I would go straight to jail for up to a year. It was very expensive and I was getting freelance writing jobs that were literally day to day. If I had thought about how I was going to pay for the whole 90 days and stay out of jail, I would have been overwhelmed in a second. I made it, but it was literally one day at a time. That's how they built the pyramids: one block at a time. If you run the next 24 hours over in your mind and try to visualize or plan what you will do to not use drugs, you can do it. If you visualize the eternity of your life without drugs, it will crush you and you'll use. It's as simple as that. It's like everything in AA: simple, brilliant and tried and true. One day at a time, by itself, of course, isn't going to get the job done. Find some meetings where you feel you belong. Don't be fixated on the narcotics thing. All addictions are the same and they are all conquered the same way. If the "atmosphere" in NA doesn't make you feel right, leave. Try some AA meetings. That's how I did it. Even though I was an opiate addict, it was the people in AA that I connected with. I went, and still go, to meetings and introduce my self as an alcoholic. It simply doesn't matter. Many, many people at AA meetings are also addicted to pills. We're all the same. Good luck to you, Lynn. I will check for your posts tomorrow if you want to talk.

[Lynn to Neena]

Hi friends, Im'm going to answer Angie' questions, then you can all learn a little more about me. Yes, I've run out of percs before, but not in the past 9 months. I used to be able to go a week without the, and I wasn't that sick because I wasnt using as many as I am now.This new millenium has not been good for me. I now take anywhere from 2-30 a day, depending on how many I have, or if I know there are coming in the near future. Yes, 10 years is a hell of a long time, I no longer get the enjoyment I used to but here is where the disease comes into play. I am almost in tears now just thinking about what my life has become. I'm 48 years old, how much longer can I go on like this? I used to be attractive, now I can see the lines and bags in my face from the drug abuse. I got started when a friend of mine who had a script from her doctor asked if I would like to try a few. The rest is history. She has lupus and continues to this day to get them from her doctor and sell them to me. I pay $5.00 a piece, street price. I have been working all my life and have no money saved because I blow my paycheck. Family life is great, no complaints. Good husband, no kids, but 16 cats I've rescued. Today I'm gonna try and taper. Wish me luck.

[Rob to Ken]

Hey Ken,

I'm certainly not trying to fool or lie to myself here, however, when I speak of my buddy, I'm speaking more about a brother than a friend.  I've known him for over 8 years, and believe it or not we met under very unusual circumstances, we were both VERY clean, did alot of fishing and boating together, and YES I do gain strength from him.  Knowing a little more about our situation, please feel free to comment, we certainly DON'T have the answers.  I feel that anyone in our position should do WHATEVER it takes, and if it's BSing with a broom stick, as long as it works, DO IT!!  What I'm about to offer here is my opinion; it's a matter of what works for that person, and I don't think anyone would disagree that one thing cannot work for everyone it's somewhat short sighted.  That's like saying everyone should prefer chocolate ice cream, which is why I DON'T go to NA meetings, I do however, think that it's high time I sit down with a professional to try and find out why I'm doing this to myself.  I'll put another spin on this whole RECOVERY thing; why is it that a high percentage of us RELAPSE?  Could it be that NA/AA DOESN'T work for everyone, and that those individuals, me included, need something different.  I know that you HAVE TO WANT IT, to get it, that's standard procedure for most everything in life, you WANT IT? F@#KING "A"! go GET IT then!!  This one size fits all BULLS@#T, to me, seems short sighted, and just so everyone understands what I'm saying, NA/AA is not a bad thing, quite the contrary it HAS helped thousands upon thousands of people and it does work and if it's working for you or anyone for that matter....GREAT, FAN-F@#KING-TASTIC, you found what works, and DAMN IT, stick with it!!  Whew, enough already, I'm getting down off my soap box, just another perspective on things folks, I'm not bitter, just BORED need to talk with someone.  GOOD LUCK people and DON'T GIVE UP!!

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Forget the perks...Try tapering off of the cats!!!
thought you might like that...

[Lynn to Neena]

No way Chad, those cats make me smile, I "talk" to them and tell them what a mess I'm in, because I know they won't tell anyone. I'm sooooo mad. I blew it today. I had good intentions, said I was gonna taper, and already I've eaten more percs than I can count. I can't beat myself up, God willing I will get another chance tomorrow.

[loanne]

i have to be honest.  the reason i began this whole taper program in the first place was not necessarily to embrace the sober me, but the fear of withdrawl, and being tired of that fear controlling me.   at such a low dose right now, i am embracing the sober me.  i've been around aa a while, and i love it.  i love the conraderie, being with people who REALLY understand what's it's like. there's a lot of wisdom, spirituality, and good prople around these halls.  just my opinion.  keep posting.  it helps me.

[Daisey Hfree]

I'm 14 days clean off of methadone 90mls a day.  I also have 17 cats!! Anyone want one??  As I come back to reality, I realize I must clean up my life.  I can not believe how low I sunk.  I went to NA last nite.  It was good to get a key chain "just for today".  I'm always looking for mutual support.  I'm having the greatest difficulty with having feelings again.  It sucks, I wish i were numb.  I keep thinking of River Pheonix, & other people that I new who are gone because they couldn't shake it.  I've spent years trying to slowly kill myself.  That was the disease talking.  Today I really want TO LIVE!!  Right about the inspirational music.  "Your going to reap just what you sow", Lou Reed, who knows about addiction.  " I drink a whole bottle of my pride, and I toast a change.  To get these demons off my back, JUST GET THESE DEMONS OFF MY BACK."  That is from  "Shimmer" by Shawn Mullins, Sole's Core.  My e-mail is: ***@****

[Lynn]

Today, Friday, I took of from work thinking I would just sit in the yard and read and relax. Didn't happen. I found so many excuses to eat more percs (someone called me Thurs night), gee gotta iron, clean, vacuum, whatever I had to do I had to take a pill to do it. I am going to do this on my own or die trying. Just had to vent, its 4:00 now and I wont eat anymore or I won't sleep. I think I'll get on my knees tonight and pray.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Come on ,quit fooling your self, either get rid of them or take them. You have to make up your mind. Its your choice. I know its hard but its better than dying! I am not trying to be mean ,But it sounds like you really want to stop, so stop! Ive been clean 8 days now and it sucks, but I am determined to get off this ****. And you can too, You just have to want it more than you want the drug. Good luck.

[tom to Chad or any with info]

I keep reading about all this black market activity in Percodan and OxyContin, for a Schedule II drug, there sure seems to be a lot of it on the street. Where do they get all of it?

[Sherri to Tom]

My thoughts exactly.

[joedice]

all of us can do what we set our minds to...after 10 & 1/2 years its time i found myself, i will atempt to get off the stuff again. i did it before and i will do it again.. the hardest part is not quiting..(its staying off the stuff)..i take between 10 & 12 es vics a day or wattever i can get a hold of.the thing now is they don,t do for me what they used to anyway i,ll close for now, as i get ready for the withdrawal tommorow , witch won,t be to bad.. but the next day i don,t look foreward to. and thank you all for listening and were all in this together.we can do it.lets stick together...

[To TOM]

schedule II drugs. people get them prescribed by doctors. harder to get a prescription for so worth more money.people need the money, sell the pills. end of story.

[Lynn to Neena]

In a nutshell, Tom, that is exactly how I get them. Girl I know has lupus disease so she has a prescription for 100 every month. She is on welfare and needs the money so she sells her percs to someone addicted like me who works for the money and hands it over to her each month. She's on methodone so she doesnt even need them. She's the monkey on my back.

[Lynn to Neena]

I'm at work now, determined to stay clean just for today. I ate every single pill I could get my hands on and literally have no connections or pills left. TODAY. My connection up the street is not in today. I'm scared. I'm scared I won't sleep tonight and will be sick  tomorrow morning. I hate having this disease, I suppose people with cancer say the same thing. These pills consume my thoughts every minute of the day. Yes, I want to stop, but as you all know it is not that easy. I read every one's stories, who is still using that really doesn't want to but can't  stop like me?  Do I sound whiny? I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little spacy. Thanks for listening.

[Ken to Lynn]

Dont worry about it so much! It is hard but its the best thing you can do for yourself. In a few days you will feel so much better to not have to chase pills down,they used to consume my every thought, how will I get more for tomorrow? I have been clean only 10 days now and feel 100% better. So it can be done. I was taking 120 to 200 mgs of Oxycontin a day , weened down on lortab 10/500 in 5 days, then went cold turkey from there. The first 2 days were hard for me , and I got a few pills on the 4th day then quit again. Now 10 days and feel pretty good. You can do it , were here for you, good luck.  KEN

[Lynn to Neena]

It's so nice knowing people out there are able to help me. How many percs per day equal the amount of 200 mg oxycontin you were taking? I know Lortabs aren't that strong, just wondering if you were eating up to lets say...30 percs a day in oxy terms?

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

I think its 4 Percs = 1 -20mg oxy so thats about the same amount. But if I didnt have 6 or 8, I would find whatever I could to get high, lortab,vicodin , darvon, it didnt matter, as long as I wasnt sick. I am just so glad today to not have to worry about tomorrows pills, tomorrow I will worry about when it gets here. But today I will not use!

[Here i Sit Addicted agin]

Why cant we Stop? i think life just involves to much pain. taking perks / vikes / oxy washes away the pain. mental pain is the real reason why we are addicts. so here i sit again addicted.i went through this so many F,in times. I take a few oxy's or hydro's like 5 pills at a shot. and close my eyes, and then all is ok. i can take up to 50 perks a day. i have friends that will eat 20 at a shot. so i wonder what is the real reason .. mental pain!!!!!! so to everyone out on this site im back here again. i have been clean / but now it is round #2 for vinny ..... i have been addicted for 2 years now. THE DETOX WAS EASY THE MENTAL PART KICKED MY ASS.  so here i sit again!!!!!!!

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

round 2 thats all? dont worry about it. it took me 10 trys, but at least i didnt quit trying. now im on 11 days clean and never felt better. so dont give up, its not easy to quit, but its easy to give up. hang in there!

[VINNIE TO ALL / READ THIS !!!!!!!!!]

11 days is great without a pill, Ken .... your not out of the woods yet my friend. has the mental part kicked in yet? well im here for you brother. dont loose your mind like i did. yeah here comes round #2 for me. i started my detox today. i do it slow, i get down to 5 pills a day then could turkey. right now im at 15 a day. tomorrow 12 and so on. so lets help each other, i know i need it.

[daiseyhfree]

I'm on day 18 of detox, & the demons are perched on my back.  I can feel their fire burning my skin, & they are buzzing in my ears.  Hell, the MENTAL part is why I started using in the first place.  I've been going to NA, just to remind myself it can be done.  I go to the mental health clinic monday.  I think I need some anti-psychosis meds.  Until then I am burning in the hell of my own mind.  Please, I just want to turn it off.  Yes the mental part will kick your ass.  Stick with Kicking & let's all stick together.  ***@****

[Lynn to Neena]

Hi Ken, I was wondering if you ever made a clean break? I don't know how to post a new question i.e "Why can't I stop?" Can you do it for me so we don't have to scroll down the page so long. I've had insommnia for the past 3 nights from tapering off the percs (down to 2 in the morning) to completely stopping xanax! I knew you were doing really well, up to day 8, how'd it go from there?

[Amy to Bob]

I've been sitting here reading all these stories, and it all sounds very familiar except for one part. I'VE NEVER TRIED TO QUIT YET!! I've gone a few hours (5-8) without having any and have felt like i was dying then! What the hell will I feel like if i just wake up one morning and don't take any at all? OH MY GOD! I've been taking anywhere from 10-20 percs.,lortab 10/500 or norco and also take 2 80mg oxy's everyday! How in God's name will i ever be able to just STOP??? I'm afraid not only of the withdrawls, but I'm afraid of going into shock or worse! I've been addicted for almost 5 years now, but when i first started, i only used to take 4-5 perc's a day. Now I take 10 or more plus the oxy 2 80mg a day ( 1 80mg in the a.m. and 1 80mg in afternoon sometimes even 3 80 mgs a day!) How crazy is that?! I have a beautiful home, (very clean because i'm always frigg'n cleaning) and an awesome husband and son, so yea i realize it's not good for me and that's the reason i'm in here typing my ass off to all you guys and telling you that i don't want to take them anymore because i'm getting scared of liver damage and all that stuff.  So to put an end to this book i've written, sorry, I guess i'm saying thanks for being here. PLEASE WRITE BACK TO ME WITH ANY RESPONSE OR ANYTHING THAT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL SO "NOT ALONE",        SINCERELY, AMY

[Lynn to Neena]

Amy, first you are not alone. Read my postings under xanax and you will see I unwillingly detoxed from xanax and running out of them was the best them that ever happened to me.  I never want to  go through that detox again.  Now the percs are another story.....I am exactly where you are; afraid to wake up without them on my dresser to get me going. I am so proud that I quit xanax but make myself sick that I cant quit percs.  No, make that  wont.  If my supply ran out and I unwillingly had to detox I'd have no choice now would I but my supply never runs out DAMN IT and I don't know how to say know when they call. But I am finding that they aren't giving me the energy they used to, either. I used to do my fall cleaning with 50 pills for the weekend but now I'm just eating out of habit, not to clean. I joined the gym so I could get a good cardio workout and not have to rely on zanax anymore to sleep, and its working.  If I could just give up these   percs I'd be so happy.  Oh god when will this cycle end?? See, you are not alone. Read about my xanax withdrawal. It was the worst thing I ever remember putting myself through.

[Jacki]

my boyfriend is vinny...and today went into a detox program.  I am He had the courage and strength to realize that he couldnt do it all by himself.  I have so much resoect for him for standing up to this thing.  It took everything he had to tell his family, and they supported him.  He chooses life......one that he can focus in......and enjoy.  This website was an eye opener to him.....thank you to all who inspired him

[Lynn to Neena]

I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't I can't. This morning (Sat) I started off with 4 and tried to chase the buzz all morning. Now its 3:00 and I'm sitting here feeling nothing but stupid and tired, and got nothing accomplished today. I will never be able to do this on my own, in patient care is going to be the only way, but I can't take time off right now because I just got back from a 3 day suspension. I can see how people commit suicide, (although I'd never do it) but I can see how its possible.

[Lynn to Neena]

Oh my god the unthinkable happened. I miscalculated my supply and ran out of percs and have no way to more until next week. This has never happened. Maybe its the best thing but you can't convince me of that right now, I'm so uncomfortable. Here comes the cold turkey detox I will unwillingly have to go through, I will probably have to take some xanax I just detoxed from to relieve the anexiety. I can't believe my life is one big drug roller coster. Anyone want to send me some?? (just kidding, I think)

[susanlea]

It's Monday morning, are you OK? I'll be on here, on and off most of the day, if you need someone to talk to. Hang in there, one hour at a time. Let me know.

[Lynn to Neena]

Guys, I'm jumping off this post, simply because I'm being a hypocrite by saying I want to stop percs. Simple truth is, I don't. I can't wait until my next pill comes along, I can't imagine life without them. I was so desperate today because I had none that at lunchtime I saw a guy (mid 40's) in a neckbrace and said "Wow, that looks painful, what are you taking?" Well, when he said percocets my heart stopped and to make a long story short I made a drug deal with a perfect stranger!!!! So you see how desperate these things can make you. I won't be writing in anymore, but I'll be following all your stories. Thanks for being here when I needed you, but I'm hopeless.

[ginger to Tom]

Well, too late.  I broke down and took the vike.  I can't wait for it to kick in and for this pain to stop.  I was sitting here crying and I finally said to myself, "why the hell are you letting yourself suffer this way??" No one wants to hear me complain and I don't have time to feel bad.  there's lots of work that needs to get done.  Therefore, I must self-medicate.  I've discovered that taking 1/2 a vike and a motrin along with it really does the job.  It doesn't sound like much but I'm not a very big person so it will be most effective.  Too bad I'm ruining 10 days without vike but that's the way it is.

[ginger to Tom]

Well, too late.  I broke down and took the vike.  I can't wait for it to kick in and for this pain to stop.  I was sitting here crying and I finally said to myself, "why the hell are you letting yourself suffer this way??" No one wants to hear me complain and I don't have time to feel bad.  there's lots of work that needs to get done.  Therefore, I must self-medicate.  I've discovered that taking 1/2 a vike and a motrin along with it really does the job.  It doesn't sound like much but I'm not a very big person so it will be most effective.  Too bad I'm ruining 10 days without vike but that's the way it is.

[ginger to Tom]

lynn, you must be feeling terrible right now.  so do i.  i guess misery loves company and i'm certainly a hypocrite telling you this but please don't give up, honey.  i've screwed up today but i'm gunna go on.  believe it or not, you've helped me by what you just wrote.  i realized that i'm not the only one who feels hopeless.  it's the power of the drugs that make us do bad things.  it's not you!  I know I just showed up here a few days ago and you don't know me from Adam and maybe i don't know sh--about anything but i'm pulling for you.  don't stop writing even if you think you cant quit.  who cares?  i'll still be your friend, ok?  keep writing!  it has to help.  i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Sandi to "JB"]

Hi,
HOw are you? I just read your posting & I know EXACTLY how you feel..I am also an addict & I was clean for 6 days & relapsed back to the lorcet due to real pain....I  am hear everyday ifyou want to chat-just remember we have a disease & we are here to help each other in one way or another....
Sandi

[ginger to Tom]

yep.  I screwed up yesterday. then another thing happened that really convinced me I'm a sicko.  i got all upset because a pill box with a couple of vikes in it i normally keep in my purse was missing.  I turned my purse upside down looking for it and was in a bad mood until i found that i had put it in a different purse.  whew!  what a nut eh?  I took the one vike yesterday and was of course high as a kite but i didn't sleep well.  My abcess (abscess) is getting better though.  funny, i should be feeling real guilty for using the vike yesterday but i don't.  i'm just thinkin, "oh, i needed it because i was in real pain so therefore it's ok."---yeah right, and i enjoyed every minute of the high too.  I'm sure i would have survived just taking advil too.  oh well.  thanks Sandi.  I'm here all day too.  I hope Lynn is OK.  Lynn, if you're reading this, honey, we're here for ya.  i like the opiates too and i don't mind saying it so write some stuff, Lynn!

[Lynn to Neena]

Yeah, I'm O.K. (Does anyone know how to start a new post so we don't have to scroll back to Sept?) I woke up this morning with one thought, who can I call to get percs? One call, 25 pills later, I consider this a good day. Lets see how long these will last, considering I take 4 to start and 2 at a time to keep it going, and I have to do this every day just to feel normal. Ginger, how I wish I could only take one pill, those days are over. Still addicted. Hopeless

[Lynn to Neena]

This web site is like my own NA meeting. Needless to say, I ate almost every one of the pills I copped this morning, I had to save 2 for the morning. God forbid I didn't have my morning percs. Do you know I havent gone one single day in over 9 months without at least two pills in my system? And I'm not bragging about it. Wow, its exhausting being an addict, isnt it? So if I don't write for a while, don't worry about me. I'm in my own little pill world

[ginger to anyone]

Well, it looks like my questions got erased yesterday.  maybe they weren't important or I broke some "rule".  Whatever.  I am just trying to get help.  When I saw this, it made me angry.  I decided this morning that I am going to make an appointment with a shrink who is a real human being to talk to.  I figured that under my psychological addiction, I have an underlying depression.  Dang, I hope they don't try to put me on SRI's again!!!  Those things make you lose your appetite, puke, give you the shakes and keep you up all night.  I don't know why doctors think Paxil is so good...it sucks. Well, I'm off to the head doctor.  Am I doing the right thing I wonder?

[ginger to anyone]

Well, it looks like my questions got erased yesterday.  maybe they weren't important or I broke some "rule".  Whatever.  I am just trying to get help.  When I saw this, it made me angry.  I decided this morning that I am going to make an appointment with a shrink who is a real human being to talk to.  I figured that under my psychological addiction, I have an underlying depression.  Dang, I hope they don't try to put me on SRI's again!!!  Those things make you lose your appetite, puke, give you the shakes and keep you up all night.  I don't know why doctors think Paxil is so good...it sucks. Well, I'm off to the head doctor.  Am I doing the right thing I wonder?

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Quit hitting the submit twice! I have a nervous finger too sometimes. I am not going to put my initials on anything anymore because someone is deleting whole threads for some reason. Seems like when Dr. S finally shows up, things get edited out. I wonder what the reason for that is. What happened to freedom of speach and the freedom to explore our own identities in order to get well. Hope to hear from you soon.

[ginger to Tom]

I swear I didn't hit it twice!!  so sorry!! Anyway, the shrink was no help. She said I was a borderline addict and shouldn't have ANY pills of ANY kind and told me to just "stop doing what I am doing and learn to live with myself.  Isn't THAT great advice?  well, looks like i am back to square one again.
sigghhhhhh.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I read your post and got so angry! Any third grader could have given you that advice for free. That shrink doesn't live in the real world at all. I'm surprised if she didn't prescribe you some Paxil and Ultram to cope with life. I've been there and done that. Being back at square one is frustrating, but at least you know that shrinks are full of sh*t. If I could just stop using drugs and learn to live with myself, I would'nt be here now. Take care of yourself and your family Ginger. I don't even know what else I can tell you at this point. Life is hard but a life in pain is intollerable.

[nine]

Ginger If you ever want to write to me-I will listen > I've been alone a drowning for a life time and I too have been prescribed Paxil and It just makes me sick. Depression sucks (I know) I would much rather stick a needle in my arm. then do the drugs the doctors prescribe? Go figure... But thats eventually bullshit ttoo.MY address is nine_7_of***@****