Wife not really supportive

[nottobright]

Is there anything I can say/do to help my wife understand what is really going on?  Granted, I did just tell her last night, but for example, I was rubbing my head because of the empty, drained feeling that I'm beginning to have and she knew exactly what was wrong.  But instead of her saying something "supportive", all she said was, "what's wrong?".  I responded w/ "I'm just really starting to feel "it".  She gave me a snide smile and kind of giggled to herself.  I asked her to please try and help me out w/out saying things like that.  Maybe I came across as a bit of a d$ck, but I have told her that I'm going to say things and act in ways that's simply not me.  I understand she's pissed to no end, but w/out HER support, I honestly don't know if I can do this.  I asked her to come to this forum to read what I have written, and what others have written so she can understand more of this bulls$it, but she refused.  What can I say or what can I do to help her understand.  Off to a gig!!  Should be interesting...hopefully I won't fall off my drum throne  :-)

"Steal your face right off your head"  Garcia/Hunter

[confused456]

I am sorry that she isn't being as supportive as she could be. It is hard for someone who doesn't understand. It really would help if she would come here and read. Can you sit her down again and say, Honey, I love you so much and I am truly sorry about this, but I am asking for your help and I really do not think I can do it without your support, would you please just go there and read once and if you hate it, at least I know you tried to be there for me?.....or something along those lines. Best of luck to you.

[coconuts27]

Yeah, I know what you're going through. I just told my bf the same thing. I try to say what Im feeling and he just says things like "well I told you not to start that sh** in the first place" or yell at me for being a b**ch. All I can do it keep telling him how his negative reactions only make it harder for me to stay focused and motivated. Its hard for people to understand, and sometimes all you can do is explain.

[avisg]

Maybe if you found her some info on addiction and withdrawl ,that would help her be more understanding , I would also give her a bit of time to let things sink in . I bet she will be more compassionate

[kim715]

Only another addict can really understand what you are going through. You have to also remember that while you were using her life was effected also and probably not in a positive way. Our partners often harber alot of resentment. We made them suffer,made them feel we loved the drug more than them. I'll tell you my story because I have been on both sides of the fence. My husband,who I have been with for 10 years was a hard core alchoholic,when we first got together I wasn't abusing drugs. I could never understand why myself or his children were not enough to make him stop. Everytime he would try to stop he would get really sick and as sad as it sounds,in my head I would think good for you thats what you get.I would relive all the times he didn't come home 'til the wee hours of the morning and crawl in the door,or when the police would bring him home.In my head I figured I suffered alone through your addiction now it's your turn to feel.Oh how things have a way of comming backto bite you in the butt,because now the rules are reversed and I am so glad that he is a much more compassionate person tome then I ever was to him. He has been totally clean for 3 years. Now I understand why it was so hard to stop because now I am walking in his shoes. It is not that we don't love our families,in fact sometimes thats why we used more so we wouldn't have to feel the pain we were putting them through.Your wife needs help too,she has some healing to do also. I would suggest you find her people to talk to that are in her shoes,sober partners of addicts. Just like she can't  truly understand how you are feeling,nor can you really know how she feels. I wish you all the luck. I am sure things will work out for you she must really love you if she stuck it out with you through your addiction. In the end your relationship will be that much stronger getting through this together. Goodluck and God Bless.

[newmanagment]

maybe you could suggest she go to some co-dependency meetings. they will help her understand addictions, and ways for her to be more supportive and understanding. as well as ways to protect her own feelings. they can usually be found thru NA/AA , give em a call and see if they know of ne. also our local churches offer co-dependent meetings.... let me say this, my family, none of them, are supportive at first.. they been burned too many times. but every week sober i put on the calender, support and love start to shine more and more!! sometimes we have em soo far down, it takes a while for em to believe that we can and want to change. good luck , and keep ya chin up.....

[usarmymedic1]

you can do this without her support you are the one that needs to realize that. I she can't be supportive than she needs to say nothing. My so called wife tried to have me amitted during my detox so she would have time to go see her boyfriend in the next town I did it alone you can too. It is up to you and only you to overcome your addiction with or without her it sucks not to have the support of your loved ones but maybe once she see's that you truly mean to get off the drugs she will come around. mine did not but hay I careless anymore.

medic

for the ones that want to say it was my addiction that drove her away she was never around was living in a defferant state during the time I was on the meds so she had no clue until I moved back here and she was already seeing this guy.

[worried878]

I detoxed alone as well...it would be nice to have support I guess...but really it is all up to you in the end..when it was all said and done, I told a few people but they really can not understand unless they have been there...I guess people do not feel sorry for you when you are sick from detoxing like they would if you had the real flu...I guess people think we did it to ourselves...dont know...but u can do it with or without her...i would just not bring it up to her if she is not supportive and keep to myself about it...then she may do the opposite and try and help...who knows?...you will make it tho

[Penelope14]

I to am detoxing alone, as my family members do not understand nor get it! Most of my family are all social drinkers who have a misunderstanding of drug addiction, my mom for instance thinks methadone clinics are full of junkies & losers, boy if she only knew, her own daughter goes to one, she,d have a heart attack! So I attend some NA meetings & counseling, & I also have this forum full of support 24/7. Penelope

[toxictome]

I also was on my own...because I am on my own...but i'm glad i had/have all you peeps to support me... as I support you..

.TOGETHER WE CAN /DID /ARE /WILL. !!      :D

[nottobright]

Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words.  My gig went extremely well.  Playing my drums really helped w/ getting what I'm feeling off my mind!!  Couldn't believe it.  Then, as I was setting up my kit, I look up, and my wife is standing right there just looking at me.  I just walked over to her and gave her a big gigundo hug! :-).....felt sooooo good.  I think she's coming around....I will make it.  I am so happy right now.  Feel like poop, but happy.  :-)  Everystep I take, I just say, STRONG-STRONG-STRONG-STRONG-STRONG-STRONG-STRONG-STRONG-STRONG.

"I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day"   Johnny Nash

[bmc1976]

Does she have a email address that she checks? Maybe a couple people from here could email her and let her know how difficult it really is. Then maybe that could get her on here to read posts. No one will ever understand addiction until going through it or really getting involved in someone going through it. Maybe you could pm a couple people and ask them to do that? Just an idea. But like medic said, you can still make it through this without her support. It would just be a more comfortable situation with her knowing what you are going through. Best of luck to you and stay strong!
brian

[confused456]

I am glad you are feeling so strong!!!! That is great and yes she will come around. I am so happy for you!!

[Mikeinthesouth]

From one who is dealing with the same I don't say much and found it is impossible for her to understand or relate to my addiciton.

[kim715]

I am so happy for you that things are starting to come around. Keep up the good work,stay strong and thanks for that little inspirational song refrain at the end of your post,it boosted my confidence today. God Bless.

[poetrygirl1960]

I can totally relate because I've had the same situation.  I think that maybe they think because we are having a rough time all the bs is going to start again because we're caving.  Sometimes with people we just have to prove by our actions we are serious.  In the mean time get your support here, or at an N/A A/A group.  Tell her you love her, give her a kiss, and show her how strong you really are.  Let us know how it's going.  Good luck at your gig!  

[nottobright]

Thanks so much very the kind words.....I realized last night that when playing my gig that music and support from my family is what's going to get me through!  Also,  I'm at my in-laws right now, and helping my father in-law w/ random outdoor clean-ups, and i have been literally running from one task to another.  He's just watching me and laughing.  He knows about my problem and thinks it's great what I'm doing.  A little more inspirational lyrics for you ALL....


I've seen the rain pouring down The sky was grey with a speck of blue
Peek through a hole in the clouds The sun was screaming, "Hey You!".

As you ramble through your sorrow Seems like everything come out wrong
I'm living in yesterday's tomorrows I know something's helping me along

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I hear you talking about your troubles
Everybody's got their troubles too
You can make them burst like bubbles
If you know just what to do

You know I've been called a dreamer
Dreams that never come true
But I've been called so many things before
Tell you what I'm gonna do

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining

Written by: Allen Toussaint
Performed by: Jerry Gracia Band

[poetrygirl1960]

Okay I'm a dork!  I just saw your second post.  Congrats on your gig!!!!!!!!

[nottobright]

LOL....thanks!

[Army220]

Medic said the best.  That is going to be your only way out.  I am on Day 4.  It gets better!!

[sassycajun]

Well, I am on this forum because my b/f of 2 yrs. is addicted to Oxy and I am trying to help him find a way out of his situation.  I do not do drugs, nor have I ever tried anything stronger than pot.  I have had back surgery and neck surgery, and was prescribed Lortab.  I took only as needed, and was actually scared to take them even when my pain was intolerable.  I do try to understand how someone can easily become addicted to opiates, and try to give all the support I can.  Maybe I can tell you how I am feeling and you may understand somewhat of things your wife may be feeling as well.

We are on this roller-coaster ride along with the men we love.  Everytime we think things are changing for the better, along comes another hump and it's downhill again.  We've been lied to, manipulated and we've seen how wonderful our men can be and we desperately want to see those men again.  When our men are high or abusing, we see a whole other side to them and lose the part we love.  It affects the way our men treat us, our sexual relationship, our money situations, etc., so it is very hard for us to keep being let down.

As I told my b/f, I am here to support and love him and I am not ready to give up on these drugs winning, but if he doesn't get clean, stay clean and can prove it to me, I will eventually become tired of being on this rollercoaster, so it is his decision.

I do wish you all of the best of luck and hope your wife does give you the chance.  Everyone deserves a chance and even a few screwups.