Will I ever get to the point were I wont think about taking pills to be happy?

[dixieboi23]

I am 28yrs old, I started taking hydros about 2yrs ago after a dentist visit. Soon after the dental pain was over with I soon realized how good it felt to be high off the pills. I started slowly, 2 pills a day enjoying the buzz. Soon after that my body was adjusted to the amount I was taking so I had to take more to get that feeling back. I guess about 5 months ago the Hydros were unable to get me the happy loved free spirited I had been having so just like a lot of people I changed my drug of choice to Roxy's 30mg. I would break them in half and al of a sudden I was the me I remembered, the one I liked to be. I knew there was going to be a day that I was going to realize what I was doing and that its not right or fair to myself to allow it to keep happening. Even though I was taking about 7-10 Hydros a day at about 7 a pop it doesn't come close to the 30. a pill I haft to pay for the Roxy's. I watch my check slip away from me every friday and come Monday I am wondering how I am going to make it thru the week with not having money to support my habit. So to cut down on some cost I was mixing the Hydro's and the Roxy's and using the Hydros like a filler to keep the other half of my Roxy's for later on in the day. So now, I was buying 2 Roxy's a day along with how ever many Hydros its going to take to make me feel like I want to feel. This past Friday I realized the mistakes and the choices that I made have put a bigger hurt on me than I thought. I WANT OUT OF THIS SO BAD, I have tried to quit cold turkey before but I cant do it. I dont know if its that I am not strong enough or if its the urge that I miss that brings me back to satisfying the devil with in myself. I created a step down program for myself and I told all the people around me that need to know that I need help. All the dealers have been told not to call me (Hope the Listen- I so pray they do). Oh ya and lets not forget to mention the Adderall geez this is horrible :-( Now when I get out of bed I go about 2 hrs and take an Adderal and the first day I made it till 6pm before I just couldn't take it any more so I took half a Roxy 30. Ten 10pm the same nite I took the other half because I was so afraid of how I would feel if I started the leg cramps, sweating and endless migrane that would come later. Today I took an Adderall and made it until 9pm before I took half a Roxy 30. Thats the longest time I can remember that I have went with out my powerful wonder pill. I still have not touched the other half and I am leaving that until tomorrow till I cant take the symptoms any more. Can some one PLEASE tell me is this going to be ok. I mean I know that the Adderrall isn't the answer but its the only thing that will give me the energy that I need to make it thru the day at work or just to be apart of the world without wanting to just sit on my *** and be lazy. I dont want to be addicted to anything other than the feeling of the me I lost a couple of years ago. So I guess I joined tonight so someone can give me some advice, words of encouragment something to give me hope. Thanks for listening and to those that understand what THIS feels like I have HOPE for all of us to be better, well, or at least theirselves again.

[dixieboi23]

Congragulations on your choice for a better you and to get the help that is going to be available for you very soon. I am happy for you and I admire your dedication to become someone who isn't dependent on their addiction and more on the person they choose to be.
Bravo I cant wait to be hearing from you
Mark

[DeeJaye45]

Earlier I wrote about looking into treatment centers. I got great news today. I have an appt for an assessment next Wed Morning. If All goes well w/ that I should be admitted for inpatient treament. They do use medical withdrawal there (suboxone) but I cannot take it as it makes me very, very ill. So I will be doing it cold turkey again but under the supervision of a physician. I hope I can get on here every so often before I go to update all of you because I know I won't be able to have communication w/ much of the outside world once I sign the paperwork. I want to be & stay clean more than anything in my life right now so I know with God's help I will succeed this time. It's either succeed or die & I'm not really ready to do that yet. I will definitely get back on here when I get home & let you all know how things are going.

[Dafishman]

Your committment to getting clean is admirable and we look forward to you sharing your success with others. May God bless you with all the strength needed to overcome my friend. If there is anything we can do let us know.

Dirk

[dixieboi23]

I understand what you are saying about getting rid of them and moving on with your life. To me I want to control myself look the devil in the eye and slowly kill him out of my life. I have done so great on day 3, yesterday I hade a half which is a 15mg roxy and even tho it was tuff today I still feel like I am in control. Being totally honest with every one on this site as well as myself is what is going to get me thru this. I believe every one has to make their own plan on how they control the outcome of their life. I still have pills here and when I think about eating one I do something to help me not to. I either get on this site and read the storys of the people on here that discuss the pain that they are feeling and it makes me hate them rather than want to take them and push those feelings out of my head. I know I was and still am at a point in my life were I am an addict I dont try and come across as not being. For the first time in my life tho after I gave myself the power to control my decisions my outcome and my fate I am head strong. Like I told someone just a min ago, I know I am no were to the end of the rainbow but I know the treasure of the life that awaits me when I get there. There are no reasons or excuses for me to give in and back track. I will beat this because it will never control my life again. The pain I feel now is just a long days work and I know soon I will be able to relax pain and pill free. I would like to thank you for reading my post and understanding were I am coming from and I just want every one to know this is not stopping, this site is my faith my bible of storys that make me want to encourage myself and others to rid the demons that have controlled them and back to a life of bliss and wonderment on a life without dependencies.
Thanks for every one that cares and reads and posts.
New post coming soon
Mark

[Dafishman]

Dude,,

Same story for me the pills turned on me like a pride of hungry lions ready to devour me.

Trying to taper certainly sounds like a plan but it seldom works because we have no self control, if I have pills, I eat pills no two ways about it. Until you throw the little devils away they will always end up in your mouth getting chewed or crushed or snorted. Get rid of them. Flush them in the toilet and trust on Gods wonderful loving power and the people he is about to put into your life on this site to get clean. Dont put your faith in satans litte devils anymore!!


I know it seems like you can't do cold turkey bu that is not true,,,,,YOU CAN!!!!. WD"s are a boogeman that is under your bed. W/D's are the neccessary evil to be free, joyus happy and clean. They dont kill us and they are only temporary  It's like having a real bad flu bug. Sure it ***** but look at the people testifying on this site. Men and women alike that have gone CT and are on the other side called  "freedom" waiting for you to come over.

Like Nike slogan say's " Just Do It" !!

You wont be dissapointed and we will be here along the way to help.

Take care & God Bless you. I just said a prayer for you

Dafish

[TroubledDude]

Thank you for that post, you are an inspiration to all of us, please keep posting.

TD

[Addict63]

To echo FibroMissa's post:

What a  perfect subject for me to ponder this morning. We're all looking for HOPE on here. Just posting and reading here is positive action. FibroMissa's post gives me hope.

Being a classic addict all my life, I've been back and forth to hell a few times. Today is 30 days clean off of Vicodin for me. Drugs are pretty much gone from my system. Sitting on my couch being 30 days clean won't do it for me. I need to change the person inside who took the drugs.  I'm left to deal with the thinking machine upstairs that makes me an addict. I can't fix it myself. Not a brain specialist here :)

So, I now go to NA. In NA I learned it wasn't how much I used, it was my reaction to drugs. I loved the high right off the bat. But then, after awhile, drugs ceased to make me feel good, no matter how much I took. I kept looking for a magic formula to solve my ultimate problem - myself.

My NA book teaches me:  "We agree that there is nothing shameful about being an addict, provided we accept our dilemma honestly and take positive action."

Today I go to my NA meeting and get my 30-day surrender chip. At my NA meeting I see addicts just like me get multi-year surrender chips. This gives me hope.  I see them happy about being clean, and it fills me with the strength to go on. They're filled with gratitude that they finally found the solution that gave them their lives back.

NA is out there everywhere. It gives me the only true hope I've ever had, and it's virtually FREE. For me it's the only game left in town that will save my life.

[FibroMissa]

Hi :) I know how you feel as will many of the addicts on here.  It becomes such a part of us that we think that there's NO possible way to be happy without them.  But seriously you can be.  I remember reading a post where someone had just come off pills and was watching someone on the street who was just laughing and just looking generally happy and the addict thought "how can they be happy without being high?" I felt the same way.  I'd see someone who was laughing and wonder if I could ever get there without my oxy or percs.  Now that I'm 54 days clean I do honestly have happy moments..GENUINE happy drug free moments.  Of course they are not all the time....life isn't made to be 100% happy & funfilled ...which I sometimes have to remind myself.  
I can honestly say though that I'm happy happy happy that I'm not ruled by a pill anymore......that I'm not checking the bottle and counting to see how many I have left....or frantically trying to get a doctors appt cause I've run out....or checking the stupid clock every five minutes to see if enough time has passed that I can take another dose.  Every day is not a party for me and I am ever mindful of staying sober but all in all its a much better life now.

You will be okay and you can be happy without the pills.  I wish you well, keep posting its a great forum with wonderful people :)

xo D

[DeeJaye45]

I know what you're both thinking about being happy w/out the pills. I wonder the same thing. I haven't stayed clean more than a few days from oxycodone & now looking into treatment facilities after years of this. I've tried cold turkey & I've tried weaning myself & neither worked for me. So this is what is next in line for me. I've got hope though. The minute we lose hope is the minute we lose everything. Don't quit qitting. The time will come when you want it bad enough that you won't pick up the next one, if that's what you really want. In the meantime keep coming back here for support. It helps.

[Cissy373]

I wonder the same thing, if I will ever be happy again without the pills. I am on day four clean off Hydrocodone 10/650, I have legit chronic pain and suppose to take 3 a day but got up to 9 or so a day.

I find myself even taking them when the pain is not there so I run out of meds on the first 10 days or so then go through the hell of WD's, and have done this so many times its unreal.

I am sick of it, but pray I am strong enough to finally quit getting the refill's.

Hang in there, read the post's here and many will support you.........know your not alone.

Cissy