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Will it always be like this?
by southernbelle, Jan 04, 2003 12:00AM
That sounds like such a silly question.....but, man I wonder, will I really be this way for all my life? I believe addiction is a disease. But I don't like to think that I'll be this way forever. Haven't posted in the last few days--- I'm still trudging along. Down to 5 or 6 a day (from 8) that's a small step I know, but at least it's something. I'm back on the road after next week, and am dreading it. That's when I need my pills the most. Don't mean to sound so glum, I'm really okay. I know life is beautiful and I love my girls and my husband. I've got a good job and a roof over my head. The bills are ALMOST oayed (smile)...I just wish there was a never-ending supply of percocet somewhere. Lord, that sounds pitiful. Good morning to everybody -- good job on the challenge. For those of you still in the same boat as me, we're in this together. We'll get there someday! Love to all of you, truly. I wish I could meet you guys and know you face to face. It would be so ideal to have somebody like you to have my coffee with! Love you, mean it.
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Trust me - "free" is what you want my friend. It feels good to:
* Wake up and not design your day around your pills
* Wake up and wonder how/when/who/ is going to provide that refill
* Not be cranky to the family
* Not be laying awake at night wondering what these long term damage these things are doing
* Spending money on other more important stuff
* Knowing that the worst is over
You cannot get these, imho, until you are over that hump.
Hope you are feeling better.
Rex
Rex keep up the good work your helping people.
Yeah I think the pursuit of all that stuff is part of the problem, imho. We seem to be in constant "acquire" mode, and when we have it all, that doesn't seem to be enough. We need to get high to give ourselves that warm feeling that we are in paradise or somehting. Thats the way it works for me anyway.
You may get worse before you get better and they say staying sober is harder than getting sober. I think of the time I was so sick with Strep, or when I had that 4 week thing two Christmass ago - will I be man enough to stick it out without any painkillers, knowing, like you said, that they are so readily available.
Anyway, way to go on your decision, and we will be here, God willing. I would strongly encourage you to help encourage others who are not as strong as you, like me.
I have said this before, not to brag, but to make a point. I consider myself to be tougher than nails through most of my life. The back pain and the subsequent have really reduced me to a comical Barney Fife like character, and that's pathetic. But it's coming back. Let me count the days here - 41 days!
I am starting to wonder what I am going to do with my sobriety, which also makes me wonder what I have missed with my little designer drug routine thing.
Way to go, glad you are here.
Rex
I feel for you - there's is absolutely no way I could have done this while working.
Is there no way you can take time off?
Rex
I like you idea of taking a week out of work because of the "flu", I think when I'm ready I may steal your idea ;)
I have ANOTHER question...Do any of you NOT get your pills from a doctor? I don't....so that is always another concern, and i'm about to be out of pills probably on tuesday....and I'm always afraid when I run out because I know what I have to do to get them, and that alone stresses me out to the point where I want to take more! Right now reading these boards get me through the day at home and at work. So ALL responses are so appreciated, it makes me feel so much better when somebody replies to me!
Thanks,
-Anthony
Just a thought I felt compelled to share.
lisabet: If you could tell me more about this online pharmacy you use, the only reason I want info is because I'm using the pills,So I might as well get them legally.
-Anthony
Did I read somewhere you are down to 4 vikes/day???
And you said you were a wimp; I THINK NOT!!!!
Keep fighting the fight sister!!!!
Percs No More
I already can see the new Lisabet handle "Vikes No More"
I used to feel guilty everytime I wasn't home, even if it was just an going to couple stores cause I was filled with the guilt of living a second life of drugs. I can't tell you enough how much reLIFE it is to be almost over the hump. I feel like someone took a million pound weight off my chest. I've been eating good food and lots of it. I used to not eat much cause I didn't want the food to absorb my oxy I want to make sure I got it all in my blood w/a couple beers. How sad is that I was posioning myself an did even know it or care about.
Don't be fooled by what im saying it's not an easy thing to do by any means. But you all know GREAT THING DON'T COME EASY. It's a small price to pay to have your life again. I feel like I'm 10 years again. Remember that feeling of having energy and being happy without drugs, You can get it back. JUST DO IT the only regrat you'll have is that you didn't do it sooner. Everyone reading this cares about themselves or they wouldn't be here. Think about all them people that are on there death bed and saying "I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE MYSELF BETTER" but they can't........... you can!!!!!!!!! take advantage of the choices you have in life.
One more thing I would do is goto a NA or another support group cause belive it or not you (we) need help from ourselves. NA is helping me and I only went twice for 1 hour that says alot. They say we have to turn our addition over to a higher power. I'm having trouble with that cause I don't know who my higher power is YET. (It could be anything) GOD maybe?????????? I'm willing to try anything cause my mind is made up not to get high TODAY.
Good luck everyone
remember one is to many and a thousand is never enough.
I can't say it enough that you (we) can't do it alone you need a (real) freind, family member, or support group to sit with and talk to about this sickness.
Good luck ,,,
began taking vicoprofen for a true medical condition, but after a year, and after my condition improved to the point of not needing more than a tylenol or two, i still found myself using. they perked me up, gave me more energy than any amount of coffee or caffeine could ever do. i've heard others like them for the opposite effect, and have relatives who have used them before who strongly dislike them because they put them to sleep. now why couldn't i have been like that???
gave me unbelievable energy, a nice warm feeling that all was right with the world, and made me much more patient and kind.
anyone else have this effect from the vicoden/vicoprofen? wonder what's wrong with us that this drug provides the exact opposite that others get from using?
thanks for the many kind people who write here; a real upper for me to read. God bless us all........
(I wouldn't have gotten addicted). Anyway....you are not alone, i'm sure many of us feel the same way.
-Anthony
I have been on this forum for several months and I am the person you're looking for with a little bit more time under their belt. My habit was Norco, but I think my highest dose was probably around 12 or 13 -- not as high as yours was but very close.
I am going to tell you a few things that will help you that I have derived from my detox (I am currently at 45 days off the painkillers)
1. You can and will succeed detox
2. It's no picnic, and you'll be in some pain
That pain you'll go through is much less than what you would go through if you let the problem get worse, as my good friend hellbent has already mentioned.
I would recommend that you look through the messages and maybe some of the archives on this forum. However, these are my suggestions on making the process easier on yourself:
If possible take time off for work to devote to this process, at least for the first five to seven days. wrap it around the weekend if you can.
The tapering that you are doing worked well for me, but there will come a time when you know it's time to cut the cord, and go cold turkey. Don't stretch it out longer than you need. One month MAX! If I had to do it all over again I would likely shorten the tapering process, because no matter what you do, once you go cold turkey those are five tough days-deal with it...
During those days, you'll want to have a hot tub readily available, or take a lot of hot showers, then use ibuprofen and hot wraps in between. Use the Thomas recipe, it really helps.
Do anything you can to get your mind off of yourself, such as movies, books, etc.
For me, prayer also helps greatly. I kept reminding myself that this is what God wanted me to be like -- sober.
Finally, get tough like you've never done before. Buck it up, I think is what one person said. Once you get outside of about two weeks things will really improve quickly.
Good luck,
Rex
I live in NoCal too, just north of San Fran. Good AA fellowship here.
I have been on this forum for several months and I am the person you're looking for with a little bit more time under their belt. My habit was Norco, but I think my highest dose was probably around 12 or 13 -- not as high as yours was but very close.
I am going to tell you two things that will help you that I have derived from my detox (I am currently at 45 days off the painkillers)
1. You can and will succeed detox
2. It's no picnic, and you'll be in some pain
That pain you'll go through is much less than what you would go through if you let the problem get worse, as my good friend hellbent has already mentioned.
I would recommend that you look through the messages and maybe some of the archives on this forum. However, the user my suggestions on making the process easier on yourself:
If possible take time off for work to devote to this process, at least for the first five to seven days. wrap it around the weekend if you can.
Tapering that you are doing worked well for me, but there will come a time
ups and downs
a face that frowns
everything counts in large amounts
over a decade ago
i crossed a junction
developed so slow
and it all now seems
such a waste
still gots the taste
in my mouth
life comes so heavy
and getting down on it
now seems too hard
to catch up with my dreams
in this lifetime
i practise to love myself
to love life, love you
but i hurt and squirm
though i know which way
to go...
i just dont do
will i always keep holding back
or will i break free,
laugh at the smack
and love it like i know i can
i turned a man
dizzy most year in year out
and now that the haze is receding
cant rid myself and shame
of doubt
though i dont blame
you or me
i get just what i want for me
but why do i
keep dreaming sweet stuff
if i dont seem to
want to go and get it ?
today i'd really like to kill myself
more serious than ever
to chang my fate
its not too late
but i do not yet approach my goals
and fear it soon
might be
too late
i want love
instead of cold
steel needles
i got love to give
instead of matter
i want life
instead of
half-waking
nightmares
in which you seem
so damn near by
and clear in sight
but still though
out of reach.
i dont quit, i rather hurt
i see you when we meet.
greets from berlin, (mother should i build a wall ?)
rob.
I have been on the run a bit (no pun). Well, it is day seven and I am down to 2, 10/325's and a darvon, spread out. Right now I think I feel what it may be like to be just a normal happy person, not high (I think) no hee bee gee bee's and good sleep without the twitches. My detox, I fear will start this week as my allotment declines.
This is the third time in 3 years I have quit. Each time it gets worse, my dosage increases and I fear I am doing real harm to my liver. Getting too old for this and as such I feel I need to increase my commitment to sobrity. I have been a drug addict/user for 35 years I'm 47, yes that means I started at age 12. I am lucky to be alive, and never incarcerated.
I intend to see my Doc who is very cool and tell him I cannot take the **** like a normal human. (He was my non O.P. source back up). If he knew I was taking 12 -16 a day he would twist my nuts but good, so I think I will tell him.
Can you kind folks direct me to the Thomas Recipe. Thanks again and I look forward to more insight from you all.
Hellbent I am in Humboldt County but get to Petaluma, Marin and S.F. often so if you let me know of good meetings down there that would be great. Larry
PLEASE NOTE: I am not a doctor, simply a long-time Rx opiate junkie who has had many opportunities to develop a way to detox. This is a recipe for at-home self-detox from opiates based on my experience as well as that of many other addicts. It is not intended as professional medical advice. It is always wise to make sure none of the recipe ingredients or procedures conflict with medications you may be taking. Likewise, if you have any medical condition, disease, allergy or any other health issue, consult your doctor before using the recipe. Thanks, Thomas
This recipe is designed for cold turkey opiate detox. It assumes that you can get about 5 to 7 days away from your job or household responsibilities during which you can sleep, veg and act as miserable as you feel. Opiate WD mimics the symptoms of the common flu, so, if you need a smokescreen, hide behind a bad case of the flu.
If you can't take time off to detox, I recommend you follow a taper regimen using your drug of choice or suitable alternate -- the slower the taper, the better.
For the Recipe, You'll need:
1. Valium (or another benzodiazepine such as Klonopin, Librium, Ativan or Xanax). Of these, Valium and Klonopin are best suited for tapering since they come in tablet form. Librium is also an excellent detox benzo, but comes in capsules, making it hard to taper the dose. Ativan or Xanax should only be used if you can't get one of the others.
2. Imodium (immodium) (over the counter, any drug or grocery store).
3. L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) from the health food store.
4. Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper and Magnesium.
5. Vitamin B6 caps.
6. Access to hot baths or a Jacuzzi (or hot showers if that's all that's available).
How to use the recipe:
Begin your detox with regular doses of Valium (or alternate benzo). Start with a dose high enough to produce sleep. Before you use any benzo, make sure you're aware of how often it can be safely taken. Different benzos have different dosing schedules. Taper your Valium dosage down after each day. The goal is to get through day 4, after which the worst WD symptoms will subside. You shouldn't need the Valium after day 4 or 5.
During detox, hit the hot bath or Jacuzzi as often as you need to for muscle aches. Don't underestimate the effectiveness of hot soaks. Spend the entire time, if necessary, in a hot bath. This simple method will alleviate what is for many the worst opiate WD symptom.
Use the Imodium (immodium) aggressively to stop the runs. Take as much as you need, as often as you need it. Don't take it, however, if you don't need it.
At the end of the fourth day, you should be waking up from the Valium and experiencing the beginnings of the opiate WD malaise. Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
With breakfast, take the mineral supplement.
As soon as you can force yourself to, get some mild exercise such as walking, cycling, swimming, etc. This will be hard at first, but will make you feel considerably better.
PLEASE NOTE: If you have any medical complications, first check with your doctor before detoxing to verify that this regimen is safe for you.
PLEASE NOTE: I am not a doctor, simply a long-time Rx opiate junkie who has had many opportunities to develop a way to detox. This is a recipe for at-home self-detox from opiates based on my experience as well as that of many other addicts. It is not intended as professional medical advice. It is always wise to make sure none of the recipe ingredients or procedures conflict with medications you may be taking. Likewise, if you have any medical condition, disease, allergy or any other health issue, consult your doctor before using the recipe. Thanks, Thomas
This recipe is designed for cold turkey opiate detox. It assumes that you can get about 5 to 7 days away from your job or household responsibilities during which you can sleep, veg and act as miserable as you feel. Opiate WD mimics the symptoms of the common flu, so, if you need a smokescreen, hide behind a bad case of the flu.
If you can't take time off to detox, I recommend you follow a taper regimen using your drug of choice or suitable alternate -- the slower the taper, the better.
For the Recipe, You'll need:
1. Valium (or another benzodiazepine such as Klonopin, Librium, Ativan or Xanax). Of these, Valium and Klonopin are best suited for tapering since they come in tablet form. Librium is also an excellent detox benzo, but comes in capsules, making it hard to taper the dose. Ativan or Xanax should only be used if you can't get one of the others.
2. Imodium (immodium) (over the counter, any drug or grocery store).
3. L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) from the health food store.
4. Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper and Magnesium.
5. Vitamin B6 caps.
6. Access to hot baths or a Jacuzzi (or hot showers if that's all that's available).
How to use the recipe:
Begin your detox with regular doses of Valium (or alternate benzo). Start with a dose high enough to produce sleep. Before you use any benzo, make sure you're aware of how often it can be safely taken. Different benzos have different dosing schedules. Taper your Valium dosage down after each day. The goal is to get through day 4, after which the worst WD symptoms will subside. You shouldn't need the Valium after day 4 or 5.
During detox, hit the hot bath or Jacuzzi as often as you need to for muscle aches. Don't underestimate the effectiveness of hot soaks. Spend the entire time, if necessary, in a hot bath. This simple method will alleviate what is for many the worst opiate WD symptom.
Use the Imodium (immodium) aggressively to stop the runs. Take as much as you need, as often as you need it. Don't take it, however, if you don't need it.
At the end of the fourth day, you should be waking up from the Valium and experiencing the beginnings of the opiate WD malaise. Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
With breakfast, take the mineral supplement.
As soon as you can force yourself to, get some mild exercise such as walking, cycling, swimming, etc. This will be hard at first, but will make you feel considerably better.
PLEASE NOTE: If you have any medical complications, first check with your doctor before detoxing to verify that this regimen is safe for you.