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10996785 tn?1432812977

With a little help from my friends.

So here I am, still going. Back then, time felt like it was standing still, 150 days later, it seems like it flew by. All I have to do is look back to a moment in time and it all comes right back like a nightmare. Those first two months were a living heck. The third one wasn't a prize either. I know what some say, you're not suppose to look at things like it's a payback for being a bad person. It sure seemed like it though. I don't mind saying that I was plain scared at times. The late nights of no sleep and my mind racing, was I going to be like this the rest of my life? Was I really just insane? Knowing my story was being repeated by others going through detox sure helped at times but sometimes logic was out the window. I'm just amazed at what we can do to get better. You all can now take a bow. Bravo. Now comes another hard test. Staying clean and sober.

I still don't think I have had a craving, I don't know. My problem is I still don't feel very well. I absolutely know that drinking will not make me feel better but I truly feel  Xanax would. I don't crave the pill, I crave wanting to feel better. Is that the same? Visteral, Zyprexa, Trazodone, Nortriptyline, Seraquel,<sp, Neurontin and some others haven't helped me much. The good news is that I realize that this is dangerous thinking. Right now, today I don't think I'll ever drink again or take a benzo. I don't think of tomorrow. I only think of right now.

Desire, A good plan, Taking it one day at a time, Honesty, Trust, Perseverance, and Guts...Thanks..ike
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10996785 tn?1432812977
Yeah it's been tough. I played all kind of games with my head to get through a day. Nights were pure torture. Really. You guys know the drill. I would tell myself if I couldn't take it any longer I could use in a month or two. I hate to tell you guys this, but it's the truth. My intent was to get thru that jam. I always feel trapped with nowhere to turn.

Some of you know that I've had a Psychiatrist since detox. He holds DBT classes. I guess its the same as CBT?? I feel good when there but it doesn't carry over at home much. Not yet anyways. I hesitate to acknowledge the struggles this far out from detox. I don't want to scare anyone into thinking they might not get better even 5 months later. The truth is I've smothered my problems and emotions in alcohol and Xanax for way too long. I can't go back. I would break my daughters heart if I went back. She would drive a million miles for my sobriety. She keeps me moving forward in the right direction. Just like the people in this community. A house is made of bricks but a house is made of love and people. Same as right here.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi honey:

Congratulations on your clean time!  You're doing so well...you and are at about the same time of sobriety and I understand 100% of what you are going through.  Hang in there my friend...

Hugs,
-Robin
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Amen to that! You sound exactly like me. I feel the same today, on day 3. S*cks don't it! So proud of your clean time, and pushing through no matter what. We need to be strong for each other and ourselves. Kat
Helpful - 0
6726276 tn?1421126668
Do you have a psychologist ?  Learning how to do CBT and having the support is important.
  Personally I relate to you. I'm diagnosed Bipolar & ADD. I have a great support group when I'm in the states. Thru DBSA. Also check online for NAMI
  I've been on meds. Off meds. Also in & out of hospitals.
  My new Pdoc has me balanced pretty well so I'm on meds. I take as prescribed.
  I think having the understanding of what you are going thru is so important
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Avatar universal
Yes but for someone who has a history of abusing Xanax even in low dose is dangerous. Xanax is highly addictive and abused a lot.

Refill I totally feel what you mean. But a pill won't solve our problems and gives you a false sense of feeling good.

You have done so well and come so far. 5 months is huge. Go forward not back.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
There's nothing wrong with taking something for sleep as long as u do that abuse it! You need to sleep if a low dose of xanax or ambien can get u sleeping again then why not? Not off the street but by a legit Dr. With a therapist of course.. u can't do it without some sort of therapy. Trust me I know!
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