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Withdrawal and Depression
I finally got to post!! I have been experiencing severe withdrawal/depression the last few days, so much that I have found myself crying on a few occasions, I have been feeling like there is no way out of this awful life style, and if I get close to being clean, I get scared when I think of leading a sober life..... I can't handle it anymore, I lie to everyone, I hurt everyone and I waste all my godamn money on drugs, what the hell is the point?  If it weren't for people in this forum, its a possibility I might not be here right now.  How do I ease this pain, physically and mentally....... I would appreciate any and all posts. I hope I make it through this, I'm not feeling so well.  GWH  I will be here all day.
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Hey there,

What GWH said is true.  You should not have to live in pain.  I too took the pills to feel high, originally I took the pills for a wisdom tooth procedure, then for a snowboarding injury, later just to get high.  I healed quickley from the injuries, teeth were fine in 2 days or so, The shoulder took 2-3 weeks.  The addiction has been for over 10 months.  After I found the energy the pills provide, and the euphoria, I was hooked.  

If you are in legitimate pain.  Addiction isn't your problem, it's physical dependance, and tolerance.  You may or may not be addicted with these two included, but they are in fact seperate issues.  Most people in chronic pain ARE NOT addicts, but ARE physically dependandt on opiates.  The difference comes when the pain goes awaym, if ever.  People who are not addicted can withdraw from opiates (yes, it does suck I know) and later never pick up the pills, addicts always want more pills, no matter how many times they've been through withdrawal.  Yes, it is a fine line, but don't fool yourself if you really need them.  Talk to your doc, they can and will help.  Not mine, cause I forged a few scripts, but that's my story.

Hang in there, and for god's sake don't put yourself in pain if you don't need to be.  This is why we make the drugs we are addicted to, becase they do help severe pain, like nothing else can.  When your pain subsides, if ever, then come back here and get help, when you're in hell.  Untill then keep taking the meds.  If I was in real pain, I would.  But I'm not, I'm a junky, who ****** up his life for no other reason, than to get high....

Later....
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i am into day 4  compleatly cold turkey.
the tryrosine seem's to buffering out any depression,and i
able to still work witch is something that has never happened ,while kicking
i was taking 15 perc's a day for a year or 2   8 a day the the 2 year's previous.
i have never been able  to taper. In my insane program  10 IS TO MANY AND A THOUSAND NEVER ENOUGH. I have never takin 1 of anything.
I guess it'S still all or nothing. well so far so good.
Been clean since friday it monday 5pm   I have tried to kick plenty in the last 3 year's with no sucsess at all.i have 4 day's but i keep telling myself when i get two weeks i will be good to go.
Sleeping has been rough about 3 or 4 hours so you could say i feel pretty wired. I have been eating banna's for rls or leg cramps just in case . leg's are just getting bye.
my plan is to work so hard i tire myself out. Speaking of work
I was thinking i couuld substitute a perc addiction right into
a work addiction.
i have read everything on the post today, thank you to everyone
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yes, my daughter is one of the very large reasons I am trying to really kick this.  I also realize that when I'm on the vics, I'm a really great mom, but when I'm coming off them, I'm really irritable.  BUt I know that before I took them I was generally a very happy person, so I know it's in there.  Actually, what am I saying?  I've seen that part of me LOTS since I've gotten off.  Really, the ONLY complaint I have (and it is a big one) is this total lack of energy.  I am taking paxil, so I did not think I should also take the L-Tyrosine (b/c paxil is an SSRI).  I am taking vitamins (prenatal--they are the best in my opinion!).  At night, I take vioxx, and a very very very small does of both topamax and zanaflex as preventive for migraines (which is what in part got me started in the first place).  I do think the xanax could be contributing, but like I said, even when I don't take it for long periods, my energy level does not increase.  I will say this, the past two mornings, when I have gotten up, for the first hour I have had more energy and been more like myself, but I QUICKLY dive and then it is hell.  Is this a turning point?  How does it work?  Anyway I am rambling.  I cannot tell you how much it has helped to have responses today.  I was really losing it this morning.  So frustrated.  I feel more hope and I thank you ALL for that.
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Hi.  Don't want to sound gloomy but I've heard (don't know if this is completely true, but it's from a friend of mine who's been way worse than I ever was and he's going on his 3rd year completely clean) that the amount of years you used, it will take that many months to get back to 'normal' or whatever 'normal' is (I don't think there's such thing).  I used for 6-7 years, that's 6-7 months for me, I guess.

I've been clean, (completely w/o a 'lost weekend' or anything remotely close) now for 7 weeks, feel good but I'm lethargic quite a bit.  Just really un-motivated at times, I have to just push myself just to get up and go to work, then at work I feel like an idiot sometimes, no one knows what I've been going through so I have to hold these false fronts but I feel like I'm on the verge, a precipice. I've just been turning into a mental space case.  Go somewhere to get something done,running errands, paying bills etc; and get side-tracked and actually forget what I'm supposed to be doing in the first place.  I'm articulate (I'm a writer)but when having conversations with people I can't seem to find the words I'm trying to get out, I get frustrated, punch at the air and start laughing.  Kind of creepy.  Can't be old age, I'm only 26! Honestly I don't know what the hell my problem is but I do feel like a completely different person latley.  My girlfriend left me, went back to Denver- just couldn't deal with me anymore and after 6 years with me I can't say I really blame her.  I'm not going to go out and use, that's no longer an option- it's what has got me in this bullshit to begin with but- God- when does it start falling into place?  Maybe I'm just a bi-polar/shizophrenic!!!  Anybody out there going through the same weird stuff?  Sure like to know I'm not the only one....
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THE PAST IS THE PAST, ITS NO LONGER.................build back up, put your blinders on and stay focused at the road ahead, you can do this, just think about what you said........if you turn back now those pills will be more then ready to welcome you at the gates of hell.
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what about now that you are off everything?  do you still feel like going out all the time?  

i am getting an early refill on the bup next week, so i am feeling less anxious about running out. my husband has the stuff under lock and key, so i have no choice but to take it the right way.

where is schlub and skipper?  seems like some people have disappeared...i hope they come back soon - both of them always had thoughtful and inspiring things to say.


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where is that angel again?  i could use one right now, and i don't think it's on my shoulder right now.  i have to force myself to get up and go...sitting at the computer all day won't help me, and it is gorgeous out today...my daughter just got home from kindergarten, and i am determined to spend the day outside at the park or something...so, i won't be posting for a few hours...stay on track today gwh...you are doing great!!!
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thanks groovy, have a great time with your daughter, give her the attention for the day, that way you will think less of your situation.  I wish you luck, have fun!!! talk to you soon.

GWH
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Ok, this might sound weird, but does anyone else struggle with gagging when taking any pill. I am taking supplements right now for lighting, plus some multi vitamins and I gag every time I take something. Its definitely related to taking vicodin, I gag just thinking about it, its awful, but does anyone else have this issue, if so, what do you do......... its awful.

GWH
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It's funny that you mentioned the GAGGING.. I thought it was only me! haha! but, I did find a solution. I take a drink- (Water) -about a half of a mouthful, don't swallow, tilt my head back like I'm going to gargle, then drop the pills in, and THEN swallow. Pretty silly, huh? but it works!
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haha, too funny, you know I'm gonna try that, i can't stop laughing, oh god, the things we do.  Anyway, thank you for the advice..........what does the name stand for, or is it your last name, you don't have to answer i'm just curious.
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thats some funny ****, haha, i had the same dream, I had a handful of 80's, some 40's and a few perks all cupped in one hand........I didn't get to far along in this dream, so I didn't get to use while I was asleep, but I used to get those all the time and it really annoyed me.  Your not alone, I always tell myself, ok, in a few weeks you can have your fix, "it will be ok" yea right, I think I'm purposely telling myself to atleast get to the 3 wk mark then cross that bridge when I get there........ keep posting.

GWH
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i'd really like to start a new thread someday...what's with that?

has anyone experienced becoming very antisocial while taking opiates?  since the drugs, i have withdrawn more and more, and would rather be at home than anywhere else.  we were in the bahamas, and i felt like making small talk with people was the biggest chore in the world.  i have blown off plans with friends more times than i can remember, and even errands which force me to go out seem to be overwhelming.  what is with that?  plus, especially since trying to quit the drugs, i look like ****!  my skin isn't great, and it always was before...i look pale and just worn out. that probably is contributing to my hermit-like behavior.

i hope i come around soon.  i miss my life and doing the things that really used to bring me enjoyment.
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isn't it annoying, not being able to post!! Anyway, I was actually the oposite, I loved going out when I was all screwed up, I lived for it. HOwever, it wasn't the same because I also looked like ****!! I went out because I knew I would talk it up the whole night, but I always came home and looked in the mirror, what an awful surprise that was, that is one of the same reasons I am quitting.  I didn't buy one razor or a new stick of deodorant while I was using, thank god my brother uses a spray deodorant so I used his every day.  I would shave maybe once or twice a week!! it was awful. So I do relate to you, there were plenty of times where I just wanted to stay in by myself, and plenty of nights when I just went to bed around 9pm.........

Today is a good day, yesterday was the 1st day where I had no drugs in my system, I was dreading today, i thought I would wake up in hell, but I feel good, very good, so hopefully this is the start to a new beginning. I hope I don't start weakening through the day. So please post, I was looking forward to our conversations all last night, it gives me something to look forward to.  Hope all is well

GWH
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Hey everyone,

Day #8, I can't believe it.  This is a milestone, a week clean.  I have to admit, I'm feeling a little better every day.  My restless legs are now down to a managable level.  I can live with this for a while.  I have stopped going to the bathroom every 10 minutes, my stomach is feeling good, I ate dinner last night, and then slept for 6 hours at night.  NOT BAD...  

But, and theres always a BUT, I have been craving the dope ever since.  I even dreamt last night that I used.  I was mad at myself this morning, until I realized it was only a dream.  I can't get these pills out of my head.  My body feels better, but my mind keeps saying "go get more"

Don't worry, I'm fighting it, but it sucks.  My energy is still down, but slowly I'm doing more stuff around the house, like moving some furniture last night, and cleaning.  

Let me know how everyone is doing, I'll be here most of the day..

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You're right, I just read some of my "positive" posts from yesterday.  

I'm in now way going back to the pills.  I know that to be fact, it's just that ******* monkey won't shut up!!!!.

I guess I'm just stressed.  I need to lay in bed, and chill out.  Only 1 more hour of work and I get to go home.  

I'm trying hard here, but today everything is telling me to score and use again.  I even found 3 Hydros in my desk at work.  It was almot ceremonial the way I flushed em down the toilet.  I am not wasting my life away to a shitty little pill, but my body and mind want it so bad.  I hate fighting this feeling off, but I'm strong and will continue to do so untill it goes away.

Thanks GWH for that boost.  I needed that today.
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day 5  
I have to start living in the moment. I keep spacing out to next week. Or back to 1983 when i got clean the last time.
i was 24  then and cleaned up off a meth and qualude 10 year run.
i got clean in AA but had to leave after 6months because i really never drank. so off to NA i went. I had a brother with 2 years clean in NA  back in 84 ,he was a good example. HE was my younger brother.
This last run started after he ' my brother settled a workman's commp case got his 70,000 he he died 2 weeks later a zanax /herion mix he was 36  ,then my sponser died of hep c
then my mother in law ,who we took care of till the bitter end.
then the same with my father inlaw last may.
to tell the truth the percs were sheilding me from all this death the last4 years. Not to mention rotator cuff operation
inbetween.
well i have lost 30 pounds this past year from 225 to 185 it help's the knee pain.  i wanted to use last night .i think i am going to give my wife my cell phone today, i don't think i could say no.
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Hippy, I give you so much credit, death is a natural thing, but it is the hardest thing to watch close ones pass on. I lost a best friend on sept. 11th and I still think of him day and night, I can't imagine what you have gone through, but that is why staying clean will help. You will be able to go on with your life and try to become more productive. I wish you the best of luck, keep posting!!

Dive, Yea, I agree about the 3 week mark, 3 weeks is nothing, hell 3 months is nothing, but I'm positive I can do this. My girlfriend keeps me positive and sober, she means too much to go back to using.  Besides, I have money in my pocket, I'm in the gym 6 days a week and I'm feeling good about myself, why the hell would I start using again??? NO WAY!! I'm gonna do it this time. I don't feel like working today..........

GWH
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Keep up the Gym thing, I'm sure it will help you recover much sooner than that 3-4month "rule of thumb BS".  I too want to get back to working out, but I will conquer this first, then start other things.  Nothing is more important to me right now than staying clean and going straight.  Once I can say I haven't used in X amount of months, and my energy comes back (I know it will!!!) I too will start to work out again.  

For now though, I can't focus too much on anything else except that damn light at the end of this tunnel.  I have to reach it before my life can begin again.

Stay positive, and stop making those "Deals" with yourself... It's only going to lead to dissapointment. Both for you and for me.  I would hate to see you relapese after say 3 months clean.  Don't **** it all away again.  your girlfriend deserves a guy who isn't smacked all the time.
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It goes up and down, sometimes I want to go out and other times I just want to lock myself in my room, but now that I'm done with the physical withdrawal, I feel more inclined to go out. but I have mood swings, there are times where I want to have nothing to do with anyone but myself, I just want to lay down and sleep.

Skipper has said before that he reads just doesn't post at times, I'm sure he is over looking all these posts........ if you are, I hope all is well kip.  That angel you speak about is hanging on for dear life.......

So, how are you feeling groovy?? any better today, when do you get the bup? and thats good that its under lock and key, now you don't have a choice, thats they way it needs to be with us, you know??
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i know it needs to be supervised, but i beat myself up over the fact that i can't control this myself...it makes me worried about the future and what else i won't be able to control.  i'll get more toward the end of next week.

i feel ok - kind of tired and unmotivated, but that seems to be my general state of mind these days.  i'm not taking enough bup to feel good, but i'm taking enough not to go into major withdrawal...as i've said in the recent past - i really screwed myself bad on this one.

i wish more people posted more regularly...as you said, i too look forward to reading people's posts...they really do save me from sinking into depression sometimes.
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I'm here for you, if you need to talk, you also have my email, I hope you feel better today, I know your strong enough to do this. If I can do it you can, and trust me I never thought I could even get this far. My brother used to tell me that this would be cake. I am a fitness freak, I have dieted for 20 wks at a time eating protein shakes, bars, chicken and rice, and NOTHING ELSE, so he told me if I had the will power to do that then this would be nothing, BOY WAS HE WRONG!!! I would take a diet from hell any day. This is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, but I"m DOING IT AND SO CAN YOU!! just stay positive, you will see the other side, and as kip would say KEEP POSTING AND KEEP AN ANGEL ON YOUR SHOULDER.

gwh
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I'm not having a good day here.  I'm tired, yet still a little jumpy, how weird... I'm at work, but can't seem to get a thing done, with this lethargy.  AND I CAN"T STOP THINKING ABOUT POPPING PILLS.  

Sorry to vent, But I'm just hanging on by a thread today.  Yesterday was actually better.  I think it's because the sun is not out today..  Or maybe because I just paid some bills, and realized how much money I was pissing away on Hydro.  I could have a new car by now.  Instead I wreak the one I have because I was nodding off.  I feel stupid for letting it get this far.  Hopefully that was my rock bottom, because I can't feel any worse about myself right now.  Only the thought of staying clean is keeping me from going insane, and even that is getting to me.

AAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.................
...........
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I think the key to staying clean is not to give yourself any 3 week mark, no fix after week 4 or such.  I have put myself into the mentality that the only thing I have to look forward to is a life free of those "thoughts", "feelings", cravings, or whatever you want to call them.  The momnent I go a day without thinking about Hydro I will consider myself crossing a bridge, but I will not use, because then everything I have worked for these last two weeks and later, will be wasted away in a little pill.  Then I will have to start over again, and would probably shoot myself knowing that I did what I did, especially if I was as pissed at myself as this morning.  

Anyway, it's definitley getting better.  I am starting to come back to life.  Now the struggle begins...
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i loved reading your post - it's so hopeful.  be thankful you aren't experiencing the depression part...it's the worst part for me.  it happens because the drugs wear down the receptors in your brain...the ones that make you feel pleasure.  it takes time to build them back up - some say it can take up to a year!! my doc told me that amino acids really, really help the process, so if you do start feeling depressed maybe you could pick some up.

i'm very happy for you...keep up the great work!!
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I have plenty of reasons.

And all of them have to do with "ME"

1. My Health, and overall wellbeing (not so good on drugs)
2. My Beutiful Girlfriend (Pursuing a pharmacuetical carreer, Being wiht a junky would not be good for her)
3. My Parents (I feel I have let them down)
4. My House, and everything in it (which I have worked so hard to be able to afford)
5. My Money (self explanitory)
6. My Job (which I like)
7. My Friends (all close friends are NOT addicts)
8. My Sense of Sanity....

and so on.  Hey.... that was theraputic for me.  I never made that kind of list before.  In my head, yes, but not on paper.

Thanks
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it is theraputic...i've made the list in my head, but when you put it on paper, it's makes it more real or something...

bet you couldn't write down any reasons to BE an addict tho...
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Unfortunatley there is 1.  TO BE HIGH.  But, even getting high goes away with tolerance, so I guess there is none.

Thanks Groovy,  I like your style.

I'm having a great day here,  Very productive at work, and Hopefully the evening will be good too.  

Take care everyone.  I will check in tomorow.
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Hi everyone.

I'm doing much better today.  It is officially day # 9 totally clean for me.  My withdrawals are OVER!!!!, Yey!!.  I slept like a baby last night for the first time and got a whole 7 hours rest.  I woke up feeling great.  

One thing I've noticed is that I'm not getting the depression everyone talks about.  At least not yet anyway. I felt a little down during the withdrawals, but that's over by now. I am actually feeling good inside.  Yes I still have cravings, but am mentally blocking them out.  Oh, and yes, I'm still a little lethargic, but feel like it's slowly lifting from me.

If you told me 3 months ago that I would have come this far, I would never have believed you.  I'm really proud of my accomplishment and will not **** it away for a high.

The sun is back out, and the weather is warm, I'm glad to be living.  Things are looking good.
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Thanks Groovy,

I'm glad you liked it.  What a difference a day makes, Huh?.  If you looked at my posts from yesterday, you wouldn't think I'm the same person. LOL

I have plenty to look forward to in sobriety, new things are popping up everyday.  My life it seems, can only get better from here, I will have more money, a better sex life, look healthier, be healthier, and will once agian have natural life energy.  These things are still a little out of my reach, but I'm seeing them now for the first time since last June, when I got really addicted.  

My good friends and I got together this weekend, and some asked if I was still messed up.  I was proud to tell them my story.  Although I didn't get as much support as I do here, they were happy for me, and didn't feel uncomfortable around the pill addict that I had become. I hope one day they too can forget the past year, just like I will try to do, but never completley, becasue I need a reason to stay sober, and the thought of having to relapse, live in a fog, and Detox again, is just insane to me now.  I can't see myself in that world anymore.  I AM recovering... Day by Day, and Doing great.  

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement.  I would have never put down the pill bottle if it wasn't for this forum.
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hi - we all have "reasons" for quitting, and what i'm told is that you have to do it for "yourself" - you have to love youself, blah, blah blah.  i have to say, i don't feel like i love myself much these days, but i am still determined to stay clean.

you said you need a reason to stay clean...what's your reason?  i have many, i want to be a good mother and wife, i want to stop wasting money, i want to look and feel better, i want to experience "real" life...there's more, but i won't bore you.
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i know what you mean about sweets, and YES it is very common to crave them...not sure why.  i have some lollipops (sp?) that i use when i get those fierce cravings....they have no fat and are pretty low in calories.  if i gave in to the chocolate thing, i'd be a house. i've been good and have stayed away from my daughter's easter basket!

it's go good to hear when someone gets to the light at the end of the tunnel and actually starts to feel good.  it inspires me a lot...especially because i've never made it that far. have a good day!!

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Thanks Groovy,

I haven't reached the light yet, but I'm getting close....

I still think about the pills, and I still have cravings.  I need to work past that to make it.  I need to bee 100% free from the drugs to feel like I made it out of the tunnel.

Have a wonderful day everyone, I will be checking in every now and then.
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i don't know if we needed to know that you can "****" again...haha, but good for you.  it isn't depressing to hear that you are doing so well - it is inspirational.
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Day 10,

I believe now the hard part has passed for me.  The reason I kept this addiction going was mostly because I couldn't stand withdrawals.  Now that they are over, I can't believe how much I thought I needed them to feel "Good".  I'm 10 days clean, 16 days without Hydro, and am definitley going back to my old self. My lethargy is beggining to lift.  For example, I did a little remodeling of my downstairs bathroom yesterday.  I actually WANTED to do something, that was a first.  

I am not taking any supplements or Tyrosine.  I felt they weren't doing **** for me, so I decided this time to keep things simple and suffer for a while.  Probably a good move, since I feel good so fast after stopping a 1 year addiction.  I know many of you have depression and lethargy long after stopping, but hang in there, it does get better.  I guess the longer you use the more drawn out the lethargy or depression is. It can't be the amount, because I was taking between 10-30 10mg Hydros a day toward the end.  All I can say is it is different for everyone, but it DOES pass. Sometimes quicker, sometimes longer, but it does pass.  

Also my appetite is back, with a vengance, I lost it for 2 weeks. I am noticing myself craving chocolate, and sweets like never before.  Is this something anyone else experience after detoxing???

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Day 18 of freedom!

I'm so very proud of you, dive. I knew you could do it. The light at the end of that tunnel gets brighter and brighter. Before I typed in that 'day 18' up there, I had to count it on the calendar. When I started my road to recovery, I just wanted to put as many days between me and those hydros as possible, and just get it over with. But counting.... wow. Like you mentioned, if someone would have told me a year ago, or even longer, that I'd be clean now, I would have laughed in their face.

And yes, I've personally noticed different cravings and chocolate was one of them, oh about 8 or 9 days ago. Now I'm craving anything tomato-ee! LOL! Our bodies are a delicate balance of chemicals, horomones and such. I truly believe even one pill of the likes we used to take upsets that balance. We just don't notice it until we get free from the cycle. Even my food tastes better! And... my hypglycemia has totally gone! That's low-blood-sugar, for people who don't know. And I've also lost all cravings for my Dr. Pepper, and let me tell you... I was completely addicted to that soda. ;) Hehehe. SO it's got to be a chemical thing.

And the gagging, I think it was gwh that mentioned it? I have that too, weird huh? I guess when we popped pills for the high it was like second nature. Now it's a taboo. Interesting.

You guys keep on keeping on. We rock, because we have conquered
this ourselves. We....is me, when turned around. ;)

I appreciate you all.

-Me
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Sorry to have been so graphic, but It's the truth, hell I could hardly "get it up" when I was on pills. Now it has a mind of it's own... ;-)

Finally, it's true, you have to break the cycles.  I find now, that I only get cravings when stuff reminds me of using,  Like just about everything I SEE!!!!.  But I guess that will pass. I had a habit of popping a handful right at the end of the workday, and by the time I got home, I would start to feel the high.  Then I would sit in front of the tube for hours.  This was a daily thing, so everyday this week I notice that I'm not stoned when I come home from work.

I like who I have become in the last week or two.  I think I will stay this way for a while.
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I think it's quite alright to say how good we feel. Only because it shows what being clean is like! I know what you mean about nodding off and sleeping when high. I can't tell you how much time I lost from 'napping'. I am really amazed when I look back on it. Sorry I didn't post in a while, you were in my thoughts tho, I promise. Everyone is. Sometimes, I just don't get 'online', because I am trying to spend my time more productively. Because for me, popping those pills, opening a can of soda and sitting 'ONLINE' was a cycle for me. I just wanted to break that cycle a lil` bit. ;)

OH and I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but I am female.
And being that I am ruled by my emotions, being female and all, sometimes I just didn't wanna post because I felt whiney. ;)

Thought that might give you a laugh. ;)

-Me
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Hey finally, I was waiting to hear from you.  You were a good inspiration to me when I first posted.  I can't tell you how proud I am of you, me, and everyone else that has kicked successfully.

I shouldn't brag too much about how good I feel, I know it can depress some people who are still suffering, but I can't help but tell the world how wonderful I feel.  I can think again, I can **** again, I remember what happened yesterday, I remember what happened a week ago(something I couldn't do while using), I am starting to notice little things like birds singing in the morning, I can take a leak again, I'm not nodding off all the time (I once slept through an entire movie, in a theater.) Oh the things I miss about being messed up. LOL

Thanks, I know what you mean when you chose the name "finallyliving" because that's how I feel right now, like I'm finally living again.
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Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to reconnect and let folks know where I'm at.

First, some background. After using Buprenex to detox, and then stopping the Bup and getting 5 days totally clean under my belt, I took Naltrexone (probably too son) and had a bad reaction. Basically convulsions.

So my addiction doctor put me back on the Buprenex to quiet the symptoms, and now I'm tapering down again. I'm now at 1/4 the dose of Buprenex that I was 10 days ago (3/4 amp twice daily) and I expect within aweek or so to be off the stuff completely.

I mean, I could quit the Bup now and it wouldn't be too bad -- the withdrawals are fairly mild. But I really want to do a proper taper to give myself every possible chance of getting through the lethargy and depression that comes after detox with as little misery as possible. And tapering rather than jumping off the Bup might help with that.

Anyway, a week from now I'll be back in hell, struggling with the total lack of energy that Lanas talked about. I'm so terrified of it, it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about at night before I go to sleep. How will I get through this paralyzing lethargy, I keep asking myself, when I've got a little baby to take care of and work that I need to do to put food on the table?

Well, I can whine about it all I want, but as Skipper says, there's no way around it. Some people (like Lanas) have a month or more of paralyzing lethargy/depression. Some people (like Witchywoman) are past the worst of it in a week or two. And some people (like Dive) don't suffer much of it at all.

I don't expect to get off scott free. It'll be bad, but I've got a very supporting wife, and I'll just get through it I guess.

What other choice do I have?

I mean, I know this is where most recovering addicts relapse -- not during initial withdrawals, but during the lethargy and depression phase that comes after. They relapse not to get high, but just so they can have enough energy to pull themselves out of a chair and clean the house or get some work done.

Anyway, I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired I don't think anything can deflect me know from my goal: to get enough clean time, no matter how long that is, until I wake up in the morning and actually feel good again.

It may take a week (not likely). Or it may take two months (also not too likely). Probably it'll be a couple of weeks or so.

But what other choice do I have but to go through it. Going back to drugs only puts me in the same place.

And frankly, if I can't endure a bit of suffering for a few weeks, I don't deserve to have my life back or the love of my family. Because they're counting on me. I'm counting on me. And we deserve better than a life of sickness and addiction and secrets and lies.

Have you ever noticed, by the way, how difficult it is for addicts to endure suffering? I really think addiction does something to our minds, steals our spirit, erodes our strength.  

I'm not saying withdrawal and recovery isn't hard -- it's incredibly hard. But cancer is worse, folks, and so is chemotherapy. There are all kinds of horrible diseases and suffering out there that people have to endure. We should all be grateful that ours ends for the most part in just a few weeks.

So that's where I'm at. There's only one road forward -- there really is only one. And like Skipper says, we just have to put our heads down, keep an angel on our shoulders, and put one foot in front of the other on the road to freedom, health and vitality again.
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GWH, Groovy, Meagin, Dive, Lana, oh, ye Gods, don't let me hurt any one by forgeting a name.  
All of you who ar struggling through this and don't know how it happened - The depression *DOES* go away, if it doesn't you very possibly had it before your addiction became active.  It's a good possibility this is why many of you became "hooked", you were self medicating an underlying condition for which their *are* alternative *legal* tx. My brother, same gene pool, has been off and on pain killers for, geez, it's got to be about 30 years.  When he's in pain, he takes them, when he's not, he stops.  No sweat.  I hate him. <grin. not really.> My darling husband has been taking Vicodin 10/650 4 to 5 x a day for six years.  *Never* takes more than prescribed, if he runs out, he's in pain 'til he gets more, but *that's all*.  <they're *both* evil dogs!>  
If your depression lingers more than a month or so, talk to a physician about the depression.  Try what they prescribe.  I'm betting it'll help the cravings, too. I don't have depression when I quit, or lingering lethargy, but then, I'm already taking Welbutrin for the depression. I think it might be a little different for everyone.  As I said in my first post, I can't take *any* form of sedative (even Benadryl) until I'm way clean, so I don't sleep at all for a month.
Meagin, when I came off of Darvocet (yes it *can* be physically addictive.  Oh, man, believe me!), I was fortunate enough to be in a very good in-house rehab program.  I was in for a month, which gave me the time to realize, I didn't crave the drug 'til I thought about being back with my husband.  He wasn't abusive, he wasn't a bad guy,  we just weren't right for each other and I'd twisted myself inside out trying to be the yuppy, suburban housewife he wanted.  You are not required to stay in any situation which makes you miserable.  Start checking into welfare offices for programs for single mothers.  There *is* a way to be free!
I'm sure I've babbled long enough for someone who should be listening.
Thank you all, again.
Wren
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Be damned!!  It let me post.  Don't even know for sure what I want to say now that the site let me in.
Um, 48 y.o. hydro addict.  Started twenty years ago on Darvocet 1800 to 2400 mg. per day at the end of six years.  Clean 14 years. Slid into Vicodin 6 years ago for a year.  Clean for 5 years.  Developed degenerative disc disease and had rotator cuff damage about a year ago.  Now taking up to 150 mg. hydrocodone a day for last 6 months. Everything starting to hurt again anyway. I want out!
I have hydro resolves my adult ADHD, chronic insomnia, and of course the pain.  I still want out.
I'm beginning to wean down and will take it slowly (raving coward that I am). I have a wonderful co-dependant husband who I'm trying to get to go to Al-Anon, and the twenty-one y.o. daughter who started it all with her C-Section.  Both extremely supportive.
I'm puzzled.  In AA and NA, I was taught that we should never think of our situations as unique or special, but I've noted that many of you recommend assistance with Xanax, Baclofen, Benadryl. If I even take 25 mg. of Benadryl without a narcotic in me, it throws me into Insta-Withdrawal, primarily the restless limbs.  (*hideous* sensation!) This is only when I'm getting off the stuff, even when I've just taken 5 mg. three times a day for a week as prescribed by the dentist.  Once I've been clean for several months, I have no problem.  I've never taken Xanax until this last round of Slip, when I tried to take it without the Vicodin, though, same story.
I'm very, *very* grateful to have found this bunch.  You've all helped kick start me back into Recovery once again.
Blessings upon you all,
Wren
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First welcome back - I have been thinking about you. You gave a lot of yourself to me, which I think helps us all when we are trying to change our lives. I see you as succeeding but (don
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Hi Meagain,

I hope you make it. You said >>Im trying to use the last of my rush to give her some good memorys for the roff time ahead<<.

I think I know what you mean, but she will get so much more from you emotionally and phsyically when you are clean.

I sent you the receipe. WHile it has been criticized in the past by the Doc who used to moderate this board, it has worked for many people, and thanks are due to Thomas, good old Thomas, wherever he may be.

Let me or anyone here know if we can help.

Peace,

jF
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1st i want to thank everyone who has taken the time to support me when i so needed it,ive already failed,ive got a new scipt.It was just too much to fast.BUT im still taking the clonidine and oddly enough ive found that even when taking 3 40's instead of 30 40's the withdral was not like i dreaded,but then i never really went into full withdral.It does help me not to crave my cigerettes.Im down to 1/2 pack a day instead of 2 and thats great because today i paid $6.65 for i pack.Im still looking for someone who knows the whole recipe, if anyone does PLEEASE e-mail it to me at ***@****,ill repect your privacy and not email you back or get all wierd.In 3-4 days ill run out again and oddly(i use that word alot lately)Im not freaking,trying to hook up.Im just rolling along,too tired to run anymore.My daughter had a great day today,went swimming in the ocean,it was hot here 90*.Im trying to use the last of my rush to give her some good memorys for the roff time ahead.I got aher a little charm she wears and she  knows to hug it if she misses me/actully she been wearing it since she was 2months old,i just keep reinforcing it so she doesnt get too lonely.Even my husband been nice,we held hands today for the frist time in a long time to cross the street,now its very rare for us to have any physical contact aside from acidently brushing when passing in the hall.Ive seemed to lost tract of where this rambling note is running so Ill bow out now, everyone have a good night and hold on tight.
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thanks, I am sorry ,i was rereading what i wrote last night and i didnt mean to worry any one,I admit i was in a bad place a few weeks ago but i just meant that i was spending the rest of the buzz making her happy so next week when that FLU comes,I wont feel so bad about her begin stuck in the house-after all anyone can get the flu right,other peoples kids survior it and so will mine.I have to say THANK U  THANK U THANK U if it wasnt for this bourd i dont know where i would be,its like a string that i hold tight to keep me grounded.You have all taught me so much ,and ive decied that i want to live and to stop beating up myself,its like the saying its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all,except for the first time its myself who is worth loving.Of course you all realize that I am physo and could flipp mood like ---poof! but hey it keeps life intresting for now so thanks again  I love you guys
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Hey--while you have that FLU next week, go to the library, rent LOTS of movies and put your daughter in front of the TV.  And don't feel one bit guilty for it.  I told myself when I was going through the worst part of both being sick and then the lethargy that I had to ease up on myself as this "superwoman" that I try to be--work lagged, my house cleaning has gone by the wayside, and my time with my daughter has become "Want to watch a movie and eat popcorn?"   It isn't the best but it is the best FOR THE MOMENT and it will pass.  She has enjoyed it--it has been different (b/c we are always going places--to the Children's Museum, to the zoo, to the library, to the park, etc.).  So let her watch tons of TV for the next few weeks while you get yourself through a very rough time--then in the end, you will both be so much better off.  You can do it! And in the end, your daughter will be happiest.  My thoughts and prayers are with you--keep posting; it really makes a difference--this forum has really seen me through (THANKS EVERYONE).
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Dear Everyone,

I am, at the moment, withdrawing from opioid painkillers. The problem is that I have two incurable illnesses which need pain relief and will do so until I die. The Pain Clinic has prescribed me various things from morphine (in-patient), to acupam,DHC,various Co-things and now Temgesic. That's me. I really want to tell you all how humbled and touched I feel when reading the site. Pain Control Medicine is very basic in England and the treatment you get depends, often, on your postcode (zip code). Having money helps but I have none and fall onto the National Health Service for treatment. It is sites like this that help and this is the best.

Best Wishes

Peck
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peck,  i am sorry to hear about the medical system there for the poor or not so rich.  i hope you can get help soon.  what are you
coming off of or do you have chronic pain? I've always loved the BBC and the UK in general. i guess there are draw backs to every place. good luck and Blessings, Ava



to no one,
depression is knowing you've tried to help people unselfishly. then having a person who has tried to get rid of you since you've
been on the forum for 2 weeks call me a loose cannon.  i am one of the most reserved people i know.
i should just let it go.  sure i post when i see someone who needs help.  that is the purpose of the forum.  i only post to help or exchange information with a person i would call a friend.
now i wonder why i put myself through this, i could really make a person happy by quitting the forum. however; i like rowanshyne,
skipper, tracy, hippy, jessesarpy, irish rose, hinkster, mr.michael, and many more who post.  i like those on the bottom of the forum : Dr.X, mimi, and others.
you will not find my post under something like buprenex detoxing which i know nothing.  i think it was the cars "should i stay or should i go?".  this is something i enjoy, but if i am useless, then i am hurting the forum.  i don't want to hurt the forum.  not that i hold any credence to what she said about me.  speaking of jabs and down right mean posts, that sure got to me.
one day a person will be attacked and will be a loose cannon, and i can see something bad happening.  i am glad that will not be on my conscience or karma.  maybe it is displacement.  i just do not feel i deserved it anymore than she felt she deserved it.
i will not assume that you all know me.  i will tell you that i  have no motives other than an addict helping another addict.  i share the hardships of my life, and maybe that is wrong.  who knows?  i do not want to leave. i just do not know if i can stay.
i will take a break especially while i am working.  i can ignore
this person.  it is just the previous remarks that were so off base.  i hope you feel like you scored, when that was a wild, foul ball.  i really could retaliate, but i do not feel that would be healthy for anyone.  one thing happened, the help i felt
i was giving to others, no longer feels that way.  you took away
my feeling of usefulness.  thank you.
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Such an old thread , going through simila r experience and wondered how you and skipper were, thanks
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