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Withdrawal and Depression

I finally got to post!! I have been experiencing severe withdrawal/depression the last few days, so much that I have found myself crying on a few occasions, I have been feeling like there is no way out of this awful life style, and if I get close to being clean, I get scared when I think of leading a sober life..... I can't handle it anymore, I lie to everyone, I hurt everyone and I waste all my godamn money on drugs, what the hell is the point?  If it weren't for people in this forum, its a possibility I might not be here right now.  How do I ease this pain, physically and mentally....... I would appreciate any and all posts. I hope I make it through this, I'm not feeling so well.  GWH  I will be here all day.
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Avatar universal
Such an old thread , going through simila r experience and wondered how you and skipper were, thanks
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Avatar universal
peck,  i am sorry to hear about the medical system there for the poor or not so rich.  i hope you can get help soon.  what are you
coming off of or do you have chronic pain? I've always loved the BBC and the UK in general. i guess there are draw backs to every place. good luck and Blessings, Ava



to no one,
depression is knowing you've tried to help people unselfishly. then having a person who has tried to get rid of you since you've
been on the forum for 2 weeks call me a loose cannon.  i am one of the most reserved people i know.
i should just let it go.  sure i post when i see someone who needs help.  that is the purpose of the forum.  i only post to help or exchange information with a person i would call a friend.
now i wonder why i put myself through this, i could really make a person happy by quitting the forum. however; i like rowanshyne,
skipper, tracy, hippy, jessesarpy, irish rose, hinkster, mr.michael, and many more who post.  i like those on the bottom of the forum : Dr.X, mimi, and others.
you will not find my post under something like buprenex detoxing which i know nothing.  i think it was the cars "should i stay or should i go?".  this is something i enjoy, but if i am useless, then i am hurting the forum.  i don't want to hurt the forum.  not that i hold any credence to what she said about me.  speaking of jabs and down right mean posts, that sure got to me.
one day a person will be attacked and will be a loose cannon, and i can see something bad happening.  i am glad that will not be on my conscience or karma.  maybe it is displacement.  i just do not feel i deserved it anymore than she felt she deserved it.
i will not assume that you all know me.  i will tell you that i  have no motives other than an addict helping another addict.  i share the hardships of my life, and maybe that is wrong.  who knows?  i do not want to leave. i just do not know if i can stay.
i will take a break especially while i am working.  i can ignore
this person.  it is just the previous remarks that were so off base.  i hope you feel like you scored, when that was a wild, foul ball.  i really could retaliate, but i do not feel that would be healthy for anyone.  one thing happened, the help i felt
i was giving to others, no longer feels that way.  you took away
my feeling of usefulness.  thank you.
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Avatar universal
Dear Everyone,

I am, at the moment, withdrawing from opioid painkillers. The problem is that I have two incurable illnesses which need pain relief and will do so until I die. The Pain Clinic has prescribed me various things from morphine (in-patient), to acupam,DHC,various Co-things and now Temgesic. That's me. I really want to tell you all how humbled and touched I feel when reading the site. Pain Control Medicine is very basic in England and the treatment you get depends, often, on your postcode (zip code). Having money helps but I have none and fall onto the National Health Service for treatment. It is sites like this that help and this is the best.

Best Wishes

Peck
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Avatar universal
Hey--while you have that FLU next week, go to the library, rent LOTS of movies and put your daughter in front of the TV.  And don't feel one bit guilty for it.  I told myself when I was going through the worst part of both being sick and then the lethargy that I had to ease up on myself as this "superwoman" that I try to be--work lagged, my house cleaning has gone by the wayside, and my time with my daughter has become "Want to watch a movie and eat popcorn?"   It isn't the best but it is the best FOR THE MOMENT and it will pass.  She has enjoyed it--it has been different (b/c we are always going places--to the Children's Museum, to the zoo, to the library, to the park, etc.).  So let her watch tons of TV for the next few weeks while you get yourself through a very rough time--then in the end, you will both be so much better off.  You can do it! And in the end, your daughter will be happiest.  My thoughts and prayers are with you--keep posting; it really makes a difference--this forum has really seen me through (THANKS EVERYONE).
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Avatar universal
thanks, I am sorry ,i was rereading what i wrote last night and i didnt mean to worry any one,I admit i was in a bad place a few weeks ago but i just meant that i was spending the rest of the buzz making her happy so next week when that FLU comes,I wont feel so bad about her begin stuck in the house-after all anyone can get the flu right,other peoples kids survior it and so will mine.I have to say THANK U  THANK U THANK U if it wasnt for this bourd i dont know where i would be,its like a string that i hold tight to keep me grounded.You have all taught me so much ,and ive decied that i want to live and to stop beating up myself,its like the saying its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all,except for the first time its myself who is worth loving.Of course you all realize that I am physo and could flipp mood like ---poof! but hey it keeps life intresting for now so thanks again  I love you guys
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Avatar universal
Hi Meagain,

I hope you make it. You said >>Im trying to use the last of my rush to give her some good memorys for the roff time ahead<<.

I think I know what you mean, but she will get so much more from you emotionally and phsyically when you are clean.

I sent you the receipe. WHile it has been criticized in the past by the Doc who used to moderate this board, it has worked for many people, and thanks are due to Thomas, good old Thomas, wherever he may be.

Let me or anyone here know if we can help.

Peace,

jF
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Avatar universal
1st i want to thank everyone who has taken the time to support me when i so needed it,ive already failed,ive got a new scipt.It was just too much to fast.BUT im still taking the clonidine and oddly enough ive found that even when taking 3 40's instead of 30 40's the withdral was not like i dreaded,but then i never really went into full withdral.It does help me not to crave my cigerettes.Im down to 1/2 pack a day instead of 2 and thats great because today i paid $6.65 for i pack.Im still looking for someone who knows the whole recipe, if anyone does PLEEASE e-mail it to me at ***@****,ill repect your privacy and not email you back or get all wierd.In 3-4 days ill run out again and oddly(i use that word alot lately)Im not freaking,trying to hook up.Im just rolling along,too tired to run anymore.My daughter had a great day today,went swimming in the ocean,it was hot here 90*.Im trying to use the last of my rush to give her some good memorys for the roff time ahead.I got aher a little charm she wears and she  knows to hug it if she misses me/actully she been wearing it since she was 2months old,i just keep reinforcing it so she doesnt get too lonely.Even my husband been nice,we held hands today for the frist time in a long time to cross the street,now its very rare for us to have any physical contact aside from acidently brushing when passing in the hall.Ive seemed to lost tract of where this rambling note is running so Ill bow out now, everyone have a good night and hold on tight.
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Avatar universal
First welcome back - I have been thinking about you. You gave a lot of yourself to me, which I think helps us all when we are trying to change our lives. I see you as succeeding but (don
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Avatar universal
GWH, Groovy, Meagin, Dive, Lana, oh, ye Gods, don't let me hurt any one by forgeting a name.  
All of you who ar struggling through this and don't know how it happened - The depression *DOES* go away, if it doesn't you very possibly had it before your addiction became active.  It's a good possibility this is why many of you became "hooked", you were self medicating an underlying condition for which their *are* alternative *legal* tx. My brother, same gene pool, has been off and on pain killers for, geez, it's got to be about 30 years.  When he's in pain, he takes them, when he's not, he stops.  No sweat.  I hate him. <grin. not really.> My darling husband has been taking Vicodin 10/650 4 to 5 x a day for six years.  *Never* takes more than prescribed, if he runs out, he's in pain 'til he gets more, but *that's all*.  <they're *both* evil dogs!>  
If your depression lingers more than a month or so, talk to a physician about the depression.  Try what they prescribe.  I'm betting it'll help the cravings, too. I don't have depression when I quit, or lingering lethargy, but then, I'm already taking Welbutrin for the depression. I think it might be a little different for everyone.  As I said in my first post, I can't take *any* form of sedative (even Benadryl) until I'm way clean, so I don't sleep at all for a month.
Meagin, when I came off of Darvocet (yes it *can* be physically addictive.  Oh, man, believe me!), I was fortunate enough to be in a very good in-house rehab program.  I was in for a month, which gave me the time to realize, I didn't crave the drug 'til I thought about being back with my husband.  He wasn't abusive, he wasn't a bad guy,  we just weren't right for each other and I'd twisted myself inside out trying to be the yuppy, suburban housewife he wanted.  You are not required to stay in any situation which makes you miserable.  Start checking into welfare offices for programs for single mothers.  There *is* a way to be free!
I'm sure I've babbled long enough for someone who should be listening.
Thank you all, again.
Wren
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Avatar universal
Be damned!!  It let me post.  Don't even know for sure what I want to say now that the site let me in.
Um, 48 y.o. hydro addict.  Started twenty years ago on Darvocet 1800 to 2400 mg. per day at the end of six years.  Clean 14 years. Slid into Vicodin 6 years ago for a year.  Clean for 5 years.  Developed degenerative disc disease and had rotator cuff damage about a year ago.  Now taking up to 150 mg. hydrocodone a day for last 6 months. Everything starting to hurt again anyway. I want out!
I have hydro resolves my adult ADHD, chronic insomnia, and of course the pain.  I still want out.
I'm beginning to wean down and will take it slowly (raving coward that I am). I have a wonderful co-dependant husband who I'm trying to get to go to Al-Anon, and the twenty-one y.o. daughter who started it all with her C-Section.  Both extremely supportive.
I'm puzzled.  In AA and NA, I was taught that we should never think of our situations as unique or special, but I've noted that many of you recommend assistance with Xanax, Baclofen, Benadryl. If I even take 25 mg. of Benadryl without a narcotic in me, it throws me into Insta-Withdrawal, primarily the restless limbs.  (*hideous* sensation!) This is only when I'm getting off the stuff, even when I've just taken 5 mg. three times a day for a week as prescribed by the dentist.  Once I've been clean for several months, I have no problem.  I've never taken Xanax until this last round of Slip, when I tried to take it without the Vicodin, though, same story.
I'm very, *very* grateful to have found this bunch.  You've all helped kick start me back into Recovery once again.
Blessings upon you all,
Wren
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Avatar universal


Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to reconnect and let folks know where I'm at.

First, some background. After using Buprenex to detox, and then stopping the Bup and getting 5 days totally clean under my belt, I took Naltrexone (probably too son) and had a bad reaction. Basically convulsions.

So my addiction doctor put me back on the Buprenex to quiet the symptoms, and now I'm tapering down again. I'm now at 1/4 the dose of Buprenex that I was 10 days ago (3/4 amp twice daily) and I expect within aweek or so to be off the stuff completely.

I mean, I could quit the Bup now and it wouldn't be too bad -- the withdrawals are fairly mild. But I really want to do a proper taper to give myself every possible chance of getting through the lethargy and depression that comes after detox with as little misery as possible. And tapering rather than jumping off the Bup might help with that.

Anyway, a week from now I'll be back in hell, struggling with the total lack of energy that Lanas talked about. I'm so terrified of it, it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about at night before I go to sleep. How will I get through this paralyzing lethargy, I keep asking myself, when I've got a little baby to take care of and work that I need to do to put food on the table?

Well, I can whine about it all I want, but as Skipper says, there's no way around it. Some people (like Lanas) have a month or more of paralyzing lethargy/depression. Some people (like Witchywoman) are past the worst of it in a week or two. And some people (like Dive) don't suffer much of it at all.

I don't expect to get off scott free. It'll be bad, but I've got a very supporting wife, and I'll just get through it I guess.

What other choice do I have?

I mean, I know this is where most recovering addicts relapse -- not during initial withdrawals, but during the lethargy and depression phase that comes after. They relapse not to get high, but just so they can have enough energy to pull themselves out of a chair and clean the house or get some work done.

Anyway, I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired I don't think anything can deflect me know from my goal: to get enough clean time, no matter how long that is, until I wake up in the morning and actually feel good again.

It may take a week (not likely). Or it may take two months (also not too likely). Probably it'll be a couple of weeks or so.

But what other choice do I have but to go through it. Going back to drugs only puts me in the same place.

And frankly, if I can't endure a bit of suffering for a few weeks, I don't deserve to have my life back or the love of my family. Because they're counting on me. I'm counting on me. And we deserve better than a life of sickness and addiction and secrets and lies.

Have you ever noticed, by the way, how difficult it is for addicts to endure suffering? I really think addiction does something to our minds, steals our spirit, erodes our strength.  

I'm not saying withdrawal and recovery isn't hard -- it's incredibly hard. But cancer is worse, folks, and so is chemotherapy. There are all kinds of horrible diseases and suffering out there that people have to endure. We should all be grateful that ours ends for the most part in just a few weeks.

So that's where I'm at. There's only one road forward -- there really is only one. And like Skipper says, we just have to put our heads down, keep an angel on our shoulders, and put one foot in front of the other on the road to freedom, health and vitality again.
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Avatar universal
Sorry to have been so graphic, but It's the truth, hell I could hardly "get it up" when I was on pills. Now it has a mind of it's own... ;-)

Finally, it's true, you have to break the cycles.  I find now, that I only get cravings when stuff reminds me of using,  Like just about everything I SEE!!!!.  But I guess that will pass. I had a habit of popping a handful right at the end of the workday, and by the time I got home, I would start to feel the high.  Then I would sit in front of the tube for hours.  This was a daily thing, so everyday this week I notice that I'm not stoned when I come home from work.

I like who I have become in the last week or two.  I think I will stay this way for a while.
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Avatar universal
I think it's quite alright to say how good we feel. Only because it shows what being clean is like! I know what you mean about nodding off and sleeping when high. I can't tell you how much time I lost from 'napping'. I am really amazed when I look back on it. Sorry I didn't post in a while, you were in my thoughts tho, I promise. Everyone is. Sometimes, I just don't get 'online', because I am trying to spend my time more productively. Because for me, popping those pills, opening a can of soda and sitting 'ONLINE' was a cycle for me. I just wanted to break that cycle a lil` bit. ;)

OH and I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but I am female.
And being that I am ruled by my emotions, being female and all, sometimes I just didn't wanna post because I felt whiney. ;)

Thought that might give you a laugh. ;)

-Me
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Avatar universal
i don't know if we needed to know that you can "****" again...haha, but good for you.  it isn't depressing to hear that you are doing so well - it is inspirational.
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Hey finally, I was waiting to hear from you.  You were a good inspiration to me when I first posted.  I can't tell you how proud I am of you, me, and everyone else that has kicked successfully.

I shouldn't brag too much about how good I feel, I know it can depress some people who are still suffering, but I can't help but tell the world how wonderful I feel.  I can think again, I can **** again, I remember what happened yesterday, I remember what happened a week ago(something I couldn't do while using), I am starting to notice little things like birds singing in the morning, I can take a leak again, I'm not nodding off all the time (I once slept through an entire movie, in a theater.) Oh the things I miss about being messed up. LOL

Thanks, I know what you mean when you chose the name "finallyliving" because that's how I feel right now, like I'm finally living again.
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Avatar universal
Day 18 of freedom!

I'm so very proud of you, dive. I knew you could do it. The light at the end of that tunnel gets brighter and brighter. Before I typed in that 'day 18' up there, I had to count it on the calendar. When I started my road to recovery, I just wanted to put as many days between me and those hydros as possible, and just get it over with. But counting.... wow. Like you mentioned, if someone would have told me a year ago, or even longer, that I'd be clean now, I would have laughed in their face.

And yes, I've personally noticed different cravings and chocolate was one of them, oh about 8 or 9 days ago. Now I'm craving anything tomato-ee! LOL! Our bodies are a delicate balance of chemicals, horomones and such. I truly believe even one pill of the likes we used to take upsets that balance. We just don't notice it until we get free from the cycle. Even my food tastes better! And... my hypglycemia has totally gone! That's low-blood-sugar, for people who don't know. And I've also lost all cravings for my Dr. Pepper, and let me tell you... I was completely addicted to that soda. ;) Hehehe. SO it's got to be a chemical thing.

And the gagging, I think it was gwh that mentioned it? I have that too, weird huh? I guess when we popped pills for the high it was like second nature. Now it's a taboo. Interesting.

You guys keep on keeping on. We rock, because we have conquered
this ourselves. We....is me, when turned around. ;)

I appreciate you all.

-Me
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Avatar universal
Thanks Groovy,

I haven't reached the light yet, but I'm getting close....

I still think about the pills, and I still have cravings.  I need to work past that to make it.  I need to bee 100% free from the drugs to feel like I made it out of the tunnel.

Have a wonderful day everyone, I will be checking in every now and then.
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Avatar universal
i know what you mean about sweets, and YES it is very common to crave them...not sure why.  i have some lollipops (sp?) that i use when i get those fierce cravings....they have no fat and are pretty low in calories.  if i gave in to the chocolate thing, i'd be a house. i've been good and have stayed away from my daughter's easter basket!

it's go good to hear when someone gets to the light at the end of the tunnel and actually starts to feel good.  it inspires me a lot...especially because i've never made it that far. have a good day!!

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Avatar universal
Day 10,

I believe now the hard part has passed for me.  The reason I kept this addiction going was mostly because I couldn't stand withdrawals.  Now that they are over, I can't believe how much I thought I needed them to feel "Good".  I'm 10 days clean, 16 days without Hydro, and am definitley going back to my old self. My lethargy is beggining to lift.  For example, I did a little remodeling of my downstairs bathroom yesterday.  I actually WANTED to do something, that was a first.  

I am not taking any supplements or Tyrosine.  I felt they weren't doing **** for me, so I decided this time to keep things simple and suffer for a while.  Probably a good move, since I feel good so fast after stopping a 1 year addiction.  I know many of you have depression and lethargy long after stopping, but hang in there, it does get better.  I guess the longer you use the more drawn out the lethargy or depression is. It can't be the amount, because I was taking between 10-30 10mg Hydros a day toward the end.  All I can say is it is different for everyone, but it DOES pass. Sometimes quicker, sometimes longer, but it does pass.  

Also my appetite is back, with a vengance, I lost it for 2 weeks. I am noticing myself craving chocolate, and sweets like never before.  Is this something anyone else experience after detoxing???

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Avatar universal
Unfortunatley there is 1.  TO BE HIGH.  But, even getting high goes away with tolerance, so I guess there is none.

Thanks Groovy,  I like your style.

I'm having a great day here,  Very productive at work, and Hopefully the evening will be good too.  

Take care everyone.  I will check in tomorow.
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Avatar universal
it is theraputic...i've made the list in my head, but when you put it on paper, it's makes it more real or something...

bet you couldn't write down any reasons to BE an addict tho...
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Avatar universal
I have plenty of reasons.

And all of them have to do with "ME"

1. My Health, and overall wellbeing (not so good on drugs)
2. My Beutiful Girlfriend (Pursuing a pharmacuetical carreer, Being wiht a junky would not be good for her)
3. My Parents (I feel I have let them down)
4. My House, and everything in it (which I have worked so hard to be able to afford)
5. My Money (self explanitory)
6. My Job (which I like)
7. My Friends (all close friends are NOT addicts)
8. My Sense of Sanity....

and so on.  Hey.... that was theraputic for me.  I never made that kind of list before.  In my head, yes, but not on paper.

Thanks
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Avatar universal
hi - we all have "reasons" for quitting, and what i'm told is that you have to do it for "yourself" - you have to love youself, blah, blah blah.  i have to say, i don't feel like i love myself much these days, but i am still determined to stay clean.

you said you need a reason to stay clean...what's your reason?  i have many, i want to be a good mother and wife, i want to stop wasting money, i want to look and feel better, i want to experience "real" life...there's more, but i won't bore you.
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Avatar universal
Thanks Groovy,

I'm glad you liked it.  What a difference a day makes, Huh?.  If you looked at my posts from yesterday, you wouldn't think I'm the same person. LOL

I have plenty to look forward to in sobriety, new things are popping up everyday.  My life it seems, can only get better from here, I will have more money, a better sex life, look healthier, be healthier, and will once agian have natural life energy.  These things are still a little out of my reach, but I'm seeing them now for the first time since last June, when I got really addicted.  

My good friends and I got together this weekend, and some asked if I was still messed up.  I was proud to tell them my story.  Although I didn't get as much support as I do here, they were happy for me, and didn't feel uncomfortable around the pill addict that I had become. I hope one day they too can forget the past year, just like I will try to do, but never completley, becasue I need a reason to stay sober, and the thought of having to relapse, live in a fog, and Detox again, is just insane to me now.  I can't see myself in that world anymore.  I AM recovering... Day by Day, and Doing great.  

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement.  I would have never put down the pill bottle if it wasn't for this forum.
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