Words here today increased my hope...why such pity for myself?

[creek]

Welcome to my pity party.  I hear of you saying it is day 4...5..8...14...**** I am the DAY ONE freak.  DAY ONE oh poor me.  Oh how will I ever manage???    Have you turned on CNN any day of the week and seen people dislocated from their homes, their children, their families, and country?   Oh poor me.  Have you been to the south side of Chicago lately and looked at any "house of education"?  Oh, poor me.  

I can not imagine a person with a roof over my head, food on my table, and a loving family (ofcourse that I lie to on a daily basis for last ?? years..forever I guess.  I have never told the truth, about myself that is. I lie for no good reason even.)  How can this be so difficult.

Why can't one "pull themslelves up by their bootstraps" and get through this.  DAY ONE alas, the one that always does me in.  I feel like ****, I look at everything and everything and cannot do it..you name it, call, write, work, WORK??real work, already called in for two days.  HAVE to go out for errands tomorrow and have to go to work wed.  I am so wrapped up in this very minute, second...that I can't think an hour or day ahead right now.

Quitting for me, is so MENTAL not just physical.  I HATE THIS< I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING THIS WAY and I want a magical cure.  ANybody?   I understand if you don't want to come to the party...it's pretty incredible when I can feel this sorry for myself because I don't have a pill to make me...me again.

[beachtowel]

Creek, hang in there your a special person that is worth saving.
Unfortunatly you will have to save yourself first.
Remember subutox and suboxone help tremendously if taken correctly.
Withdrawls pass what is five days in the rest of your life?
You can do it I promise you.
I know from experience you can do this Creek.
You would kick Godzillas ass to get your pills give the same effort to your recovery.
When you get through w/ds honesty is your next issue to deal with but for right now get through the withdrawls.
Its tough, I am not saying it will be easy. Do it Creek!
I'm hear to vent to or scream at what ever you need.

[tink1517]

read the post below from me to RLB please, its about baby steps. dont be to hard on yourself, i called in sick for 5 days the day b4 i even went c/t. let me know how you are doing

[creek]

No I actually want to sit here and ******* cry.  I want specifics.  You know this isn't about the next 5 days, it's facing the reason I am alone.  It is facing the reasons I lie and isolate myself.  How can I face all the wasted time and money and love???  I get sick thinking about it.  And you say a year later you may do it if a few were put in front of you?  No it's not about the next ******* 5 days.  Its about this total **** I have become and what to do with her.

[beachtowel]

I know it is tough but I have to disagree with you it is about getting through the next five days of withdrawls first.
If you don't do that your stuck in a limbo with the devil who is got a hard on watching you sit there and cry and swimming in self pity.
The world is coming down on you I understand that it can be overwhelming at times.
Emotions going frigging crazy, you have to understand this fully I have been there! more than once.
Get a big box of Posh Puffs in your favorite color thats ok it really is. Let it flow out of you.
I can feel and have felt your pain I swear because I have been in your seat right where you are right now I can tell you it is not hopeless. You can do it Creek!!!
I'm here and will stay here for a while, lets keep talking.

[beachtowel]

The Search for Truth
By
Michael J. Manning

Introduction

Meeting the Devil

   Addicts are loathed and ostracized by most, they are thought of as a social stigma that walks the earth. Some people may have pity or compassion, where a very small minority of people may truly believe that addiction is a disease. Addicts live in the insanity amongst demons and a calling only heard by the addict. Sometimes considered psychotic but no anti psychotic medicine can stop the voice telling the addict to get high you will feel better, go get some heroin your pain will all go away or a prescription of heavy narcotic pain pills to get rid of the loneliness or depression while drowning in self pity. Another voice will tell you to go and steal money if you don’t have it, there your parents they will understand. The voice may say go into the department store and steal a CD player then take it back into the same store for a refund moments after. The voice may say steal it out of your wife’s purse she probably won’t notice. The voice will always say don’t worry about getting caught or loosing everything even though your conscience will tell you its wrong, you can always fix it later. Addicts are great Actors and will tell a thousand lies to get what they want because they have to! Most people including family members, friends, policeman, and Judges all think and believe the Addict is a choice and so are their decisions they make but I am here to tell you you’re wrong. The insane mind of an addict is a very scary place! It is a place where monsters are alive and breathe fire, it is a place where Satan himself dwells in all his glory.

[tink1517]

honey, when i read your posts, i see my life. you are not alone, ive lied, stolen and called in my own rx for awhile. i'm lucky i'm not in jail. but you have to remember, the person you hate so much, isnt the true you, its you on pills!!! you can get through this, your here and talking about it, thats a big step in itself. Please remember "baby steps" one thing at a time, i know its hard when your mind is "out of control" dont let ALL the things you hate about yourself consume you. you cant make it like that, trust me i know, thats how i failed my 1st 2 detoxes i was to hard on myself right from the start and it only drove me right back to abusing my meds, cause facing myself all at once was just to painfull. we all slip and fall, but we have to get back up lick our wounds and keep moving forward. Question? do you have kids?

[creek]

almost afraid to push the button.  Honesty and conversation about this on your part is allowing me to wallow in it.  Can't really do much else anyway.  Going it alone is setting myself up for failure like tink said and then I can conveniently use guilt as a reason to use, because there will be plenty of it.  It is my daily diet, along with lies.

I have to do this alone.  I have you and this forum and that is how I want to do it.  I KNOW from reading this forum for two months that recovery won't happen alone.  SO why are we having this converstation again?  Think I'll start taping these conversation this time and then play it back when appropriate.  

Fighting for recovery as hard as I do for drugs...talk about that please.

[beachtowel]

Creek, I tried a couple of rehabs on my own after a couple of detox visits.
I relasped a few times, my first replaspe was two hours after I had just left my first rehab.
I wish I had some magic words for you, I wish I could take this brudon from you and do it for you but I can't.

Creek may I ask how old you are please?

[creek]

47 this year.  OMG that looks weird in print.  I AM THAT OLD????  Even more reason to get my **** together.

[beachtowel]

Wow 47 your old..lol
Hey I just turned 51 but still feel 32, I think I am still very active and enjoy life now very much.
I have another question:
How long have you been an addict?
Are pills your addiction?

[creek]

Hurts too much to write.  Pot daily since a teen.******* incredible!  Past years...coke... and now its vics/soma...for eight years.  Had surgeries etc.  never got off them.

[beachtowel]

sorry if I am getting to personal but are you still getting high on Cocaine along with your pills?

[creek]

Haven't done it in years, 4 or 5.

[Marce4]

I was there the first day and I screamed, hit myself, cried, had major anxiety...the mental part is soooo hard...those damn drugs just have such a hold of your soul and who you really are without them...they want to win but you need to fight against them and find the person you want to be again.  No one can make it all nice and pretty right now, this is an ugly thing we have to get through....stay here today and rant and rave as much as you have to!  As Tink1517 says "Baby steps" you have to get through this minute by minute.  I never thought I would see day 10 but it is here and I'm so damn grateful to be someone I can look at in the mirror again! You can do this...we all want this for you too!

[beachtowel]

Dearest Creek,
to fight addiction you must get rid of what are called Core Issues.
My core issue was my father, from when i was very small he beat the hell out of me and always told me I was a sissy. He threatened to make me wear a dress and if I ever did the simplist things wrong took horrible beatings for them.
Our hate really started getting bad when I used to protect my Mom from him. I would throw myself in the middle of it so he would come after to me and stop with her. I started running away from home in my teens just to get away from his insanity.
I even told God to go and F himself because nobody was coming to help and he just did what ever the hell he wanted.
When I was 16 or 17 I started to get bigger and stronger. I started to form into a man with a mans body. I would no longer take his **** and finally started to reflect his temper it really got bad.
so i was off to the big bad world at 18 where I ran to the Navy just to get away. But growing up in a dysfunctional family I had scars and now Dysfunctional
myself hard a very hard time dealing with anything. I have felt alone for such a long time and when times got bad I lived in shelters or friends anything but going home.
My father just died of Cancer four months ago and it wasnt till then I finally found peace. It is hard to explain why or how these feelings came but I am now able to cope with life so much better. My mom and I are still very close but I burned all my victims and still feel a lot of lonliness.
Do you have specific questions about recovery for me I promise to answer all of them for you.

[creek]

I am so afraid of that person in the mirror. You know, the one that just never measured up.  Polyanna they call 'em...those who see things through rose colored glasses.  I am the picture in the dictionary next to it.  

Here's the thing beach, ya, it's personal.  And no, I don't want to meet an ax murderer on the internet.  And no, I don't even want to tell you in any way that I am not perfect.  If you were to read my first posts months ago you would know I have never even been onthe internet talking to anyone, let alone finding this forum as my starting place.
However, I have learned that those most vulnerable, those who allowed ME to help them in a time of need,(here on the forum and in what "real life" I have)  GAVE ME A GIFT.  A gift, that if not for honesty and getting personal, they could not have given.  Until I get vulnerable is there really any other way?

One day has to come in my life that I can admit I am not who everyone thinks I am.  That it.

[beachtowel]

your right about one thing I don't know you at all but I can tell you one thing for sure I do no who you have become. I have met that person myself,  I have saw that same person in my mirror at home.
I know Creek, I don't even know your real name or who you are thats a given.
I know your pain,
I know your lonliness,
I know your sense of hopelessness,
I know your lying ability,
I know your acting ability,
I know how you justify decisions,
I know how you can manipulate to get things,
I know you have left vicims in your wake of addiction,
I know you want to take a handful of pills,
I know you don't want to go through withdrawls,
I know you think things are hopeless

you can stop me when ever you like.............

[creek]

I have to go walk move or excersize in some way.  I am a bundle of nerves.  Thanks I'll be back.

[beachtowel]

Creek I can tell you something too:

I'll bet before you started getting high you were a very nice person full of compassion and love.
I'll bet you were honest and forgiving.

I'll bet that person is way down deep inside screaming to come back.
My comments are only to help that special person find her way back.
Your not alone Creek, as long as you use this site people will be here for you, I'll be here for you!

[addictedtoloratab]

I am in the same pity party as you, day 1 its awful.  I think if I could jump out of my skin then I would.. Im here for your support at any time.. I cant even type right now, maybe I will try a bath,,, Keep me posted..