Wow Life stinks!!! I don't think it can get any worse!!!

[joyagain]

Hi all, just wanted let everyone know that I am suffering huge right now, I want to give it up and surrender my license.  I don't deserve it anyway.  All the humility!!! I get it OK!!!  I've been to 2 meetings AA because apparently the NA meeting in this little town are not safe, and they do drug deals right outside, so it's AA for me.  I have to go 7 days a week, I take urine tests and pay 78.00 for them everytime I go to get tested.  I have to pay $129.00 per week for a intensive outpatient rehab of which I will have to drive over an hour three days a week to attend and I cannot miss the AA meeting on those days either.  There is nothing Anonymous about the AA where I live.  I am a minivan mom who drives on field trips for a private school.  How do I explain that to them? I'm sure they will hear through the grape vine.  I cannot even pay the tuition anymore since I was fired from my job 3 weeks ago today.  I held hands with the worst drug addict  patient known at our hospital.  In fact, she looked me in the eye and said at the meeting tonight when I couldn't get the words out, ya know, hi I'm so and so and I'm both and alcoholic ( I have to say that in the meeting although I am not) and an......and she looked me in the eye and finished the sentence for me she said "addict?"  I said "Thank You  yes, addict".  Anyway, there because I am a nurse, live in a small town, nobody ever knew as my addiction was only about 1.5 years long at the most, I get no pride.  I get all the fire brought down on me.  I have about 5 different organizations and persons controling my life.  That I have to answer to everyday, if I do not, they will yank my license.  I can't even drive my car to the meetings.  I don't live far from them at all and chose to walk tonight because it was after dark.  The stupid building is on one of the main streets!!!!  You can't pull in the back, and you have to go in the front door!!  I will have to take the name of the school and the names of my kids off the back of my car!!!  I have to drive to 3 different towns for this assessment and that assessment.  I have 4 different people calling me everyday, saying do this or else.  I will not make it.  My husband, although somewhat supportive is giving me no help really.  I needed someone to watch my sick child yesterday to go to my first meeting, and he wouldn't even come home from work to watch him for lunch.  He said he couldn't.  That was the only AA meeting I could attend yesterday.  I've had no disability check come in yet, I cannot pay the mortgage and I have to go around begging utility companies to hold off on shutting me off.  I can't even get a job because keeping my license has taken up all of my time......ugh!!!

[slk750]

WOW...your story really saddens me...I am very new to this so i have NO ADVISE...but the only thing i can suggest is PRAY! PRAY PRAY PRAY! and ..one thing i can promise...HE dose come thru in the end, as long as you are also leading the way! Good luck, and god bless!

[dominosarah]

No perfect view here......

Joy, I wish you the best life has to offer.  Be good to yourself          sara

[Dav125]

Joy, sometimes your just too self conscious about this.. If you had what been placed out there concerning me in your background, you would probably flip out :)..You know how I deal with it? Screw them.I know who I am and I know what I have done..And it isn't what they say nor am I going to get sucked into their " perfect view" of what my life has been all about..I've said this before.."Who are you to know what the F#$K goes on inside my head?"..Plain and simple..Some in here are insinuationg that you are not taking responsibility for your actions. I beg to think differently. I think you know the full extent of whats happened here so step back a minute and try to view the world thru Lea Ann's perspective.

Whats done is done. So, what do you want to do now?. Besides staying clean?..Take care of your family I presume..So do it. If you want to try to keep your license, then do it. If it's too much to ask then consider what other talents you may have. What about a home based internet business? Don't know anything about it? Well start looking. I know a girl that got involved in that and is making 10X what she was making slaving 12 hour a day like you were.. The door is open for you to pursue whatever you want to...It may involve a cut in pay, but so be it..Then start thinking about what is a neccessity and what can be put on the backburner for awhile..I said this before too,,,Slow down some :)

[joyagain]

By the way, I really liked the meeting last night at AA, and the story about the guy that grew up in a perfect family and became rebelious teenager, etc. and ended up hiding in his house from the law and others with only something like a turkey pot pie, and oh one other thing in his fridge.  Anyway,  I want you all to know that, that was a private meeting, in the dark of night with very good people.  And I learned things there, I want to go back to that one.  Next Tuesday night at 7:00 pm.  It was a good relaxing walk there and back as well.  Can I start there?  Will all of you still embrace me the way you have before?  The anxiety that I carrie is huge.  It will be baby steps for me.  The nursing thing is not allowing that.  When I would go to work, My IBS would keep me from doing my job well, it was sooo bad, honestly it felt like labor, and really it only happened there.  I constanly have this anxiety,  I need help for that.   Perhabs I should never have worked 12 hours shifts with 4 kids with my hx of anxiety/depression.  I still need to discover myself and spend time on myself fixing the addict that I am and can be when I am overwhelmed and exhausted.  That didn't work did it?  Now I do need to move forward, this program does not seem like moving forward.  You are forgetting that I did know I was an addict over the summer.  I looked for help, crying with my husband in dr's offices. ( not for drugs either), I was crying for help.  They didn't know how to help me.  The board is giving me all kinds of people to keep me in check, yes, but it is so unrealistic,  I think I will fail, not from relapse, but from not getting my paperwork in on time, not being able to pay, a sick child, and I am not making excuses.  My husband is giving me no room here either.  Although he is wonderful, he is angry with me when I have to do these things and angry with me if I don't and also angry that I'm not producing any money.  I am humbled,, Thanks sara, friv and all who are comforting and I do mean Thank You, as you know I want you all to keep posting as well....So I guess pity parties are not allowed on this forum?  Or expessing my real thougths?  They may not be pretty, but there they are.  I have a lot to learn, I want to go to 7-8 meeting Tues.  That is all I can give right now.  I don't even know how to look for a job.  I have to face that.  I always got jobs on who I knew, and my innocent backround.  I will be drug through the dirt the rest of my life on this.  Joy

[laurel453]

Joy, nobody here thinks that you deserve it, please...we have all tried helping you in our own way.. sorry if you felt differently, i wish i could give you a big hug now because you are indeed in a tough situation and you need also some warmth along our advices, but be sure that we care for you here. I just wish that you don't beat and shame yourself, you are a woman of strength, things will work out, have faith... step by step..

[joyagain]

oh sara I have hit a bad one here, and i would not want to have you think I am not aware of the lives that building has saved.  I called it stupid because why would they put it there?  I surely was not calling AA stupid, as you must consider, I was calling the precarious and ironic meaning of the building (in such a non-anonymous place), stupid.  I have learned my lesson.  I am not proud, arrogant and what ever else any of you can bring to me.  I AM AN ADDICT.  I do not belong next to a med cart.  I want to be rid of pills forever.  I am done though with the regimen that has been put in front of me.  Don't worry Sara, I have in no way been coddled here.  As for my husband, he is sooo angry with me.  But he is mostly angry because he depends on MY income and always has.  I never wanted this.  He woudn't go to school and get a degree, I did becuase he wouldn't.  I love the pills and do not belong next to them.  I need help, but the financial burden and stress is going to kill us as well.  I HAVE to find a way out, and if you guys find that cowardice I am sorry to disappoint.  Why would I want to disappoint the people that have been there for me?  Even though you are on the internet and not here.  I am not disappointing myself either because I don't follow my states really rigorous regimine of rehab.  Ya know I know that the hospital did me a favor.  They do all the nurses a favor and do not prosecute but report to the board.  I'm not sure what is worse here anymore.  The people with probabion on their license pay $10,000 fine get 3 days in jail, ( I can explain that away to people that I know), and have to report that to the backround checks.  Well I have never been one to move around much so once I get a job, that is pretty much it.  It is hard for others to see people situations when this is the internet, and remember you cannot see me in my senserity.  I am sorry Sara if I have offended you, or anyone else.  I am not in denial, my life is a mess, I have screwed up once, I will not do it again.  Lesson learned, that's it.  Also, as you may think I deserve it, I may not have a felony charge in the end if charges are even pressed.  The main thing here is that I do work on myself and get help, but as stated in other posts some of this help is just rediculous, it is not help, it is what I may deserve, but not what I am capable of actually carrying out.  I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR IT.  My husband is angry right now because he has to find more work.  He is depending on that disability check to come in and it probably is going to be sooo minimal.  I'm done for now.  Thanks all Joy

[Frivolousz21]

Exactly Lindsey it took me over a year to finally come to terms with it, and I am sure I still have many layers to this.

While Joy knows her life is better without painkillers it is clear she doesn't treat it like she would heroine.

most of us go threw that at some point.

[Lindsay_T]

Hi everyone,
I was clean 100 days and I was still in denial. I mean I say it "I'm an addict" but I don't believe it. I am just being honest, because I know I need to believe it. That's why I've been drawn to the 12 steps. I think working them will help me get it through my thick skull that I HAVE A BIG PROBLEM. I AM AN ADDICT. I NEED LOTS AND LOTS OF REALITY ABOUT THIS.
Hugs to you Joy. Life is a Be Atch. ~Lindsay

[slapperman]

ps where i run there is no drug dealers at na meetings. if there was they would be in a world of trouble. ps stick with the winners and dont worry about the others for now tell  your sponsor what you think is the right thing to do and they will set you straight. thats why u need a sponsor with years of clean time. I never say this but it works if you work it (lol)

slapper back in the rooms (na runnning 6 for 6, go for 90 in 90)

[slapperman]

I never have much to say but I to at first hated what people may say or see or what ever. It comes down to one of two choices save face or save your azz. I recently picked my azz because thats the only thing thats gonna save me.

suck it up and do what your told by your sponsor because we think to much and or thinking sukkks

slapper aka joe best of luck n god bless

[Frivolousz21]

You are way over the top in denial.  I have never seen an addict who spent 3+ weeks clean and is still this bent on not accepting themselves as an addict.  I think you are smart so it is clear you just are one stubborn person.  

While the things that are in place suck and are not easy to deal with.  You committed multiple felonies and got away with them.  But you say you would rather face the law because this control or running around *****?  I have been to jail and believe me if you spent sometime in Jail, not prison but county for this you would be driving to NA and AA meetings with stickers on your car.  I also find it hard to believe that people are just openly selling drugs to each other at NA outside.  And how would you know that?  more excuses.

you gotta start getting real because it seems your going to give up the health care business then what?

you have zero obligation to go to AA or NA...why would you go then?  well you said NA is a drug palace and AA you have to sneak around since the building is to public.  

your more worried about what people think as a minivan mom then the punishment from the felonies you committed.

So what will keep you sober once your not forced into a program.  almost everyone relapse.  when I say almost everyone that means literally 99.9 percent of people.  You have relapse over and over and right now you have a ton of things in place to help you not relapse.

I don't know what to say that will get threw to you, I not a religious man but I would pray for you and your kids that you see the light before you lose more then you already have.

Good luck Joy!!

[dominosarah]

I understand where everyone is coming from here but i also see you in alot of denial also.  Your license is very important to you but you messed that up joy.  It wasnt up to them to move you off the floor to keep you on the straight and narrow.  Your actions got you where you are today.  If you think dealing with the law would of been easier you are way wrong.  I have been on that side.  Jail, probabation, fines etc.  You would of had a felony charge and that shows up on a background check that most companies run on a new employee.  They did you a favor actually.  I am not trying to diss on you here, just saying what i see.  As long as you keep fighting yourself this will feel like a waste of your time.  You have the opportunity to make a new start for yourself, get honest with yourself, leave the hall of shame and start to move forward.  Nothing positive is going to happen as long as you keep fighting this.....And for that "stupid" building that sits on main street.....that building has saved many a lives~~~sara

[vicki595]

I am thankful for Lee Ann and Dave and a million other things!!    xo

Joy!  Chin up!   We're here...post more often!!

[Dav125]

That was really good Lea Ann..Never forget about the things to be grateful for..I need to practice that more often! :)

[LeaAnn807]

Hey Joy!  I'm really sorry for what you are going through.  It's a tough break, but I wish you could look at the positive things.  I'll help you!

You are clean!
You have your husband and kids.
You have your home.
You have your health.
You are not in jail.
No one has died because of anything you did.
You no longer have the worries of someone finding out what you are doing.  
You're taking responsibility for your actions. (that is big!)

You're human, Joy.  You have problems.  So the two friends from work don't call.....so???  You will make more friends.  I don't think it's always easy to see what you DO have when going through something like this.  But try!  I have to make a gratitude list every once in a while.  It works when I get on a pity pot.  

There is always something positive.  Just try to see it! : )


Hugs!
Lea Ann

[Dav125]

I agree with Vicki..That looks like financial and mental hardship is being promoted more than some sensitivity to recovery..Cramming it down your throat mentality..The urine test fee;s alone are ridiculous..I'd really would think long and hard on this..Their plan certainly doesn't account for family responsibilities..But thats not surprising..I got into a legal battle once over a program that the professionals tried to force upon me ,eventually sending them packing but not after two revelations came out of it..One was a response to a question I had when told I was required to spend 3 hr a night 4 nights a week for 3 months in a program (not to mention the money they tried to extort)..I asked "I'm a single dad with 4 children here,,I have evening responsibilities here!" Their response? " Thats not our concern or our problem" (verbatum). At the end of the legal battle as a last ditch effort, they inserted claim of testing positive for illegal substances..Major substances...I caught them cold and when that came to light, lets say the panel I finally got in front of shut this nonsense down fast....These people sound like self appointed power brokers and enjoy it..I guess they haven't read the news lately about the upcoming shortage predicted in the healthcare profession.That there are not enough people pursuing the profession which will lead to a shortage should the present trend continue..Which will definitely lead to rising costs...They could very easily have routed you to a job which wouldd have kept you away from temptation but its apparent to me they don't give a %$#%......I know what I would do....But thats me..

[vicki595]

Joy~~    You know,I agree with you. This is overkill!  Recovery is NOT about punishment
and expense!

I really feel for you. You've lost your control!  I'm wondering what I would do if this were me.  As much as my license means to me,I'm pretty certain I would bag this deal and find another career!   Four years IS along time!  Almost four times longer than you even took the pills!

With all the traveling and meetings,so much time is spent away from the family...this doesn't help a THING except cause you more stress!  AND,there's no time to look for another job!

I'm sure you're weighing all this out. Is the disability check contingent on your attendance to all these programs?   If not,I'd take the money,use the next few months for your OWN recovery plan,and look for a job after the first of the year.

I'm not seeing where any of this is healthy for you or helping at all. Just my opinion...
but,I'd move on...

Stay strong and stay in touch here!!
xo

[MzHolly]

Good morning Joy,
I've spent the last couple hours reading ALL your threads and people's responses. It's inspiring. I'm more confident about getting off these pills than I have been since I decided to kick them. Now you're going through some really tough stuff. You've hit a personal "bottom" and now are working your way out. That's a BIG deal! You're getting better! I don't have too much to say as so much has already been said, but I will say this: You've been an inspiration to a fellow addict (me), and I bet I'm not the only one. With that, how could you be embarassed or ashamed of who you are? You've only been clean a couple weeks and you've already helped someone! Keep going. Even if other people around did think bad of you, which I don't think they would, you have a whole community of people on here who think extremely highly of you!!!

[wantthissobad]

Hi Joy,

I was just reading your posts and wanted to say sorry for all the stress you are going through, I understand. I too lost my job and thought I had friends but never heard from them again after I lost my job that was a learning lesson for me. I also understand what it's like to be the mini-van soccer mom, you are more then that you are your own person you are a strong person and you have to stay strong. Maybe you need to get a little angry maybe this is to much to go through but it's a learning experience. Maybe you can use your nursing to help other nurses who are addicts once you get your life together and get all this clear up. If you think that there needs to be changes you have to help make them. Remember this is all a learning lesson and it could be much worse. Stay strong and please look at your clean time that is wonderful look how strong you are. Take Care

[laurel453]

Joy, i hear you, i feel you ... You are waiting for the next bad thing to happen , it is like if you had a garden of fears and you were just watering them and caring for them and this way, of course, your fear garden is growing cause you are feeding them. PLease, bring out your pride of being a woman with a disease and you have to stand up for this human being with no shame, don't let what society ignorantly think of addiction being thrown to you without saying a word or fighting. ....

You are an addict, ok.... this is your starting point not the finishing line, you are not a doll rag and nobody has to punch you unless you let them doing it.

What g_narly has told is true.... being clean is the very next good thing and your best friend in any crisis for any addict... when things go bad, being on active addiction means everything will get worse on every aspect of your life... your health the first one. Learn more about your disease on a positive and constructive way, be proactive with your recovery and positive again, you are a nurse so you know how a patient can make a difference and you are a patient too now. You  know then that you can fight whatever comes i life if you stay clean not because being clean would be a magical solution to life's problems but because not being clean means that  you don't have any chance.

Being a nurse on active addiction could have meant getting yourself in a very serious situation as g_narly told you, you could have been now with a problem with law and you could end being charged and this is not the case. Addiction is always progressive and you could be in a worse situation, be grateful that you are not . It is not that your addiction is not as bad as that of others ... addiction is addiction but be grateful that your situation is not as bad and feel for the others that are not so lucky, help them if you can, you are one of us, of them.

So you have these  things to start with .... being clean and not having any problems with law, being quite healthy and having a wonderful family too...now, stand up and rethink what you believe it is not possible for you to do.

You talked before about moving somewhere else because you don't like the town you are now .... You have this possibility but if you are going to live this town for some time in the future, why don't you fight with everything you have before leaving ? Say to everybody that you are an addict, SO WHAT ?  Follow the opposite pattern you are following now with no results at the present.

Those two friends that you are thinking now they are not true friends... what do you have to lose if you call them and ask them.." what's the matter with you ? are you ignoring me because what has happened to me ? I have problems to deal with in my life and if you are not going to be a friend , this is one problem i am not going to deal with and you'd better be off my life right now to make space for the new true friend that i will have with time ""

You are not anymore the van mother that works as a nurse ...so what ? you are a woman with problems to deal with ..Don't make yourself a woman with shames to deal with... what do you have to lose now i a town that it is not your favourite town in the world if you fight with your life in the open ? People admire courage and bravery... If you fight this stage of your life with those, something good will come out of this, trust me.  Stop the pity party cause it is killing your self steem as you have stated... anxiety is feed with our fears so it is not surprising that you are increasing it. Nobody can do it but you, Joy !!!! Be your best friend, show with your example the way to your husband and your family.... Leave aside what you mother and the rest of the family are going to  think ( you were that perfect person for many years and as you know, perfection does not exist so you are not perfect any more, so what ? enjoy the freedom of being yourself and not what everybody else thinks of you ) ...Does it really matters what the rest of the town is going to think ? ... anyway, you know that  they are going to think whatever but it is your life and it is you who don't have to put up with what you don't want from them .... at least, be at peace with yourself, forgive yourself and start living again with pride.  :)

I am sorry if i have crossed any line saying you all this but you are worth it !! :)

[gnarly_1]

Joy dont ever under estimate the value of being clean.....I look at it now as one of my lifes greatest achievements....and ive been given many awards in sales they all pail in comparison to 380 days clean after being strung out for 16 1/2 yrs...hold your clean time sacred its often hard earned your doing great for all the stress your under.....Gnarly  

[joyagain]

thanks gnarly, for responding.  Can't work in any kind of patient care right now.  I'd rather be in trouble with the law.  A person (nurse) can actually take that rought if she or he wants, but you have to pay a $10,000 fine, and your offense will always be on your license if the board has a case.  Right now if a person were to look up my license all it says (and will ever say until I finish the program) is "inactive".  Then it will return to active, slate wiped clean.  Pun?.  I am just exhausted.  Still clean though, yeh?  3.2 weeks clean.  woop de doo.  Life is good for Joy.  Again, Thanks for posting

[gnarly_1]

HEY Joy sorry to here your going threw so much its never pritty when something like this goes down.....at least you dont have to deal with the law...you could be facing felony charges on top of all this....this who process sound ridiculously expensive almost like they dont want any body to go threw with it...im all for the meetings you have to go outside your comfort zone but it will help you stay clean but 78 bucks a u/a is a little steep and 129 for consoling seam like a bit much....you got yourself in a jam here mabe you could try working as a medical assistant doing everything a nurse dose except the shots and meds
dont know what the laws are for that....mabe a phone nurse for an ins company with an 800 number dont know if you need a licence or not but you got experience your just going to have to work around this mess and it looks like you might have to forfit your license to go out and make a living....hang in there try to jump threw the hoops if you cant do it then so be it move on with your life good luck and God bless,,,,,Gnarly