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Wow...6 days...
by FesterTool, Oct 09, 2002 12:00AM
Hey Everybody.
I wanted to thank everybody for helping me get this far. Today is my siixth day without any meth or pills! I am ammazed. I never even thought that I would make it to day two. But I did. I would like to give special thans to bmac, pixi, and chezz. Don't forget hippy either. Theire encouragement and success stories (49 days bill!) kept me going. No matter what, I wont ever forget you guys. You saved my life.
Festertool
I wanted to thank everybody for helping me get this far. Today is my siixth day without any meth or pills! I am ammazed. I never even thought that I would make it to day two. But I did. I would like to give special thans to bmac, pixi, and chezz. Don't forget hippy either. Theire encouragement and success stories (49 days bill!) kept me going. No matter what, I wont ever forget you guys. You saved my life.
Festertool
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I can't believe the intensity of the yearning I feel to wake up one day and not think, "oh no, am I going to make it today? I'm scared. Oh no, please don't let this day begin...."
But I got out of bed, took a shower, dealt with the chaos of a home packed with small children, prayed with the family, told my wife that I love her, put out the trash and drove away waiving furiously (a daily tradition) to my 2nd son as he sat doing the same on the front porch. I am ashamed not to be filled with utter gratitude for that routine.
As I drove to work I broke down in a torrent of tears. I was thinking about so many who depend on me to be their very source of ultimate security. I was thinking of their innocence and my darkness. I was telling God that I was sorry. And I felt in my heart that He was not at all focused on the past, but was reassuring me about a beautiful future.
I need to be more productive at work and I just feel so paralyzed. I literally have had conversations that I've forgotten in which I've agreed to take certain actions, etc. And then I draw a total blank during a status check. I think I am very afraid to try to live up to my potential professionally. I've amassed a bunch of academic qualifications but now is the time to put them to use and I see myself recoiling from the challenge, almost bent on sabotaging the whole process.
At any rate I am glad not to be taking pills today. I'm glad that my thoughts are not drug induced. I'm also glad that my emotions are not drug induced. It's just that, they're intense and filled with melancholy sadness.
I'm so very grateful for you all. You have made these days bearable and have been the catalyst to get me to this third day of sobriety. I came here with a horrid pill habit. I am here today going through the pain of putting that habit aside. But these pains are riches compared with the medicinal synthetic half-smiles of narcotica.
Thank you and please stay.
Sean
pixi
Through all these years of going to NA..AA..I always remember the time I was told to go home and get on my knees and ask God for help...Ok....so I go home...and get on my knees...BUT...I only have one knee..I promptly fell over, hit my head and ended up with a black eye....I never even did that screwed up !!! The only thing I found out about that is God has a sense of humor. No doubt about it.
I also think that the deep sense of guilt many of us experience, for one reason or the other, keeps us from reaching the potential professionaly....being afraid of success...thinking..." Gee...if they only knew...they wouldn't put me up here as an example of competence etc..." i don't know the answer to your specific problems. i know that a book I read 8 years ago changed a few things for me..." Even Eagles Need a Push " by David MacNally is outstanding...very very very easy reading...a lot of positve quotes and one of the best books to give to teens and college kids....please consider at least going by a book store and LOOK at it...you will not be disappointed.
There is a quote I have on my bathroom mirror..." A man develops his greatest strength when he overcomes his greatest weakness "
keep moving forward....you already know what lies behind.
we are here
Thank you so much! :)
YOU SAVED YOUR LIFE. YOU FINALLY PUT YOURSELF 1ST. YOU FINALLY REALIZED YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Day 10 here. Don't feel as good as I did on day 8, but that's just because of yesterday's flu. I feel 100% better than on sick-day 9.
Sean, I can really relate to your posts. I've got a great wife and 4 wonderful kids of my own. I am viewed in the community, by friends, family, etc., as being this super husband and father. I was able to fufill most of my duties and "keep up appearances," etc. despite the hydro use. However, once it became a matter of constant use/looking/wd, there was no getting away from the voice within that would always ask "yea, well what would they think if they knew the whole truth?" Between knowing that I wasn't living up to the standards I supposedly set and worry that I and my family would be subjected to intense shame, if not ruin, my hydro use left me feeling grossly unworthy and worthless.
I'm very grateful that I have everything out of my system now and that my mind has been returned to clarity. But I'm still filled with remorse at what I did (for so long, and for so long after I KNEW it was so wrong)and worry that I could one day go back.
I quit drinking for the last time more than 14 years ago. Quitting drinking didn't "take" on the first try or the second or the third. It took when I had finally had it with how drinking was affecting my life and turning me into someone I didn't want to be - when I finally got to the point where I saw I was giving up very little and gaining very much. I truly believe that I am FINALLY at that point with hydro. Up until now I've been seeing it as necessary to quit, but still a sacrifice -- still giving up a great deal -- still doing without something that I felt, deep within myself, I needed to be whole and happy.
What a fool I've been. But, I suppose that if I was the type of person that recoginized and incoprporated the obvious when I should, I wouldn't have a substance abuse problem in the first place.
Back to work....
I just got back from the clinic for my third buprenorphine dosage to get me to day 4. I drilled the nurse a little more regarding this program. She assures me that on day 6, I will feel like day 6 of cold turkey withdrawal, that I won't have additional bup withdrawal on top of that and that the bup doesn't postpone the opiate withdrawal only to come crashing down on me once the bup is out of my system. Her words are reassuring, but it doesn't really matter; I will deal with whatever comes, even if I have to feign the flu for a while...
Right now is hard enough, trying to keep up a front at home. At least at work I have convinced the people with whom I work that my malaise is a result of the periodic tweaking of my thyroid medication and that it will be over in 10-14 days. But my family-- to them I must put up the show. A wife who depends deeply on me (her pregnancy is incapacitating) and four children who need me to really be a daddy-- these have no understanding or tolerance for withdrawal symptoms.
You all can't know how much I appreciate your being here. Thank you a million times over,
Sean
I havent heard from you yet today. I hope your 49th day is going well for you! If anybody here should be proud of anything, its you man. Congrats!
I was thinking today, What am I going to be like on my 49th day? I had the perfect anwser. I knew exactly. I was going to be DRUG-FREE! And that was enough for me. I know that if I wouldnt have had the strength to come to this forum, I would probably not have made it this far.
Cincee, hippy, sean, pixi, moxy-oxy, and all others. Thank you.
Festertool
Thx,
Suzie
Frank
Just my humble opinion.
Chezz
The best thing I did is took the advice of someone with whom I'd been in contact on these boards and started to make phone calls regarding detox programs. It had to be outpatient, and it had to meet well with my daily routine. I had to make a few calls. Many places told me that their programs were for a minimum of 6 months on methadone (I've only been using for 8 months, I thought to myself. And methadone is addicting as well over the long term). But I found what I think is a good solution at a good little clinic.
The point in all of this is, you may want to cut to the chase, assume it's cold turkey or a medically supervised detox, and make your plans accordingly. Just know that there is something driving you to put your addiction far behind you, that is working toward your ultimate best interests. Please know that we are here to support you (Lord knows, I've lived so many ups and downs on these boards over the last couple of months, and the people here have been more than gracious. They've truly been part of the fuel that has propelled me to get to this third day of sobriety and they continue to support me during these very difficult times). And they will do the same for you. When you're ready.
Keep posting, Susie.
Sean
bmac
Sezn, ty hon. I know you're prolly right. Anyway I just wanted some ideas to see if there was a possibility to try em out. Afterall anything is worth a shot.
Thx,
Suzie
I don't like dragging **** out. But I don't have the w/d's like most people.
My doc said that it is because the meds are "used up" by the pain. Either way I don't know.
I have had them in the past, I just didn't know that is what they were.
Good luck though. You can do it either way.
Chezz
PS I know why you are REALLY quiting. You heard about the "sexual side effects". Huh ;0
Does anybody know of a good site that has FREE mp3's without having to do a bunch of **** to get them.
I have about 20gigs already. I am just trying to find more.
I am on DSL.
Plus it slooowwwwww.
Thanks,
Chezz
That worked well, but EVERY other time I tried to taper on my own, I'd end up saying "well, I might as well not waste these" and take several days worth one evening with the idea that I'd be better served with one evening of fun then just bite the bullet in the morning. Of course, that NEVER seemed like such a good idea in the morning, so I'd find some more. The idea was that I'd use them to really taper and then I'd be done. But, when I had them I'd figure "well, I don't need ALL of these to taper. I'll have fun with X and then use the rest to taper off." And when those were used up without a taper . . . .
The only thing that went wrong with the brother-assisted taper is that on the evening of day 6 at 100% clean I found myself saying "OK" when a "friend" called. The one good thing about that fall from grace was that by the next morning it was very clear to me that I felt nowhere near as good "on" as I did compared to 6 days free after a 10 day taper.
On the other hand, I've done CT too and I have to say that although it sucks, it's not as bad as it seems it will be when you're drawing close to it. The worst part is getting beyond the mental block that you can't do it. For me, WD was like the flu. The worst for me was the aches and RLS, but "the Recipe" (which I never had during CT) apparently helps a great deal with that.
Good luck.
CATUF
anyway day 10 is not bad. i do not crave, but i am weak, very weak, and i cannot work out yet, only walk a few blocks. the worst part is that i often in the day picture that bottle of vicodin, and i wonder what will happen when i return to the states in 3 weeks. my "source" has 500 of the poisons ready for me, already paid for. i am tormented wondering if i should pick them up and flush them, or tell the person to "kkep them" (no money back on this)...or do I PICK THEM UP AND KEEP THEM just in case. obviously the last choice is impossible, but soooooo tempting.
the hardest part for me is the mental feeling of "need". i have many difficult business challenges ahead. i come from a high power corporate world, and now am in business for myself, on the (legal) fringes of that world. i look back to a few bad decisions i made and i mull over them everyday, blaming the pills, better said my weakness. the pills made me feel invincible, but nobody is invincible. i made some very costly mistakes as a result, to the tune of 7 figures. now i have new challenges, and even with the past mistakes i am not so sure that i can do it w/o the pills. it is soooo stupid, because i did not start taking pills until i was at the "top", running things just fine, and the pills caved me in. nevertheless, i still feel like i need them.
anyway, i hope someone can relate...i am sure of it.
Sounds like you already know the answer.
The world isn't going to stop until you are better. The deadlines aren't going to cease. The job is going to be there. Tough time or not.
The decision you have before you is "To use or not to use".
Picking them up is not an option in my book.
If you are serious about quitting, you will tell him you have quit and to give them to someone else, or make twice the money.
You have made deadlines, business decision, ect. without the pills before. So it doesn't matter if you have a take-over or meetings to the gill. That doesn't change a thing. You did it before without the meds, you can do it again.
Why would you pick them up, only to flush them on your own. In my humble opinion, it is because you still want them. You are still contemplating whether you can "just take a few" and not get back in the hole.
You already know if you pick them up, you will pop 20 and then go "f@#$ I have already messed up, I might as well finish these, since they are paid for of course. THEN I will stop"
You have all the answers already. You know your destiny if you pick them up. Money has nothing to do with it if you have already lost "7 figures".
The choice is yours. Do you want to take 500 or not? If no, then tell your dealer to do whatever the f#WW he wants with them.
The choice is yours. You know better. You wouldn't be asking/stating this unless you were on the edge.
I know its a harsh post. I just know the feeling you are going through. The temptation and rationalisation your addiction is playing on you.
I hope you make the right choice for YOU.
Chezz
Chezz
And man, can I relate to your spousal circumstance. My poor wife has no idea (conscious idea, that is) of my withdrawal from drugs (hydro / oxy 4-500mg day)for the last eight months. And we are equally alike in our circumstances of releasing our addiction: I'm involved in the corporate finance community and in most ways things were going fine and I just simply invited the demon back in response to who knows what. I'm thinking more of the initial cause that aided my picking up those pills after kicking a heroine habit many years ago.
It's amazing, Strider that you are in deep S.America. A poster here today revealed he had found a clinic for detox in a certain area and as it turns, that is the very clinic (a very small one) that I started at on Monday. Today is my 3rd day on the journey home and it is being much alleviated by the meds provided me by the clinic. That will end on Friday.
I dread the lethargy that you describe. I know exactly of what you speak and it is just miserable. In my case it is especially so because I have several little children whom I need to pick up, change diapers, play ball -- frankly, everything about my home life demands strength and energy. Yet, I know lethargy will be my constant companion for the weeks to come. But I know it gets better.
And there will come a day in the not so far future when you will be involved in the daily tasks of living a real life of integrity and you will not notice the burden of your body and the pills will seem like acquaintances long faded. When that happens, I've found, watch out! Addiction is sizing me up at all times, just strategizing how to interject itself into my thinking as subtley as possible.
Congratulations on day 10! You are well on your way. Be good to yourself and don't allow undue temptation to chip away at your resolve.
Sean
DO NOT pick them up. You will feel so much better. I know you will lose your money, but 10 days is a great stretch.
anyway..thx for the advice. Any more ideas on tapering????????????????????? techniques...etc. pleaes tell me people...I dont have anyone to hold it for me. So if anyone else has any great ideas please tell me.
I've already used the stadol like 10 times and once would have been enough to hold me over.
Ty
Suzie
Strider: The $500 will be much better spent if you call your "friend" and tell him "you can sell those twice - I won't be needing them." That would be a $500 investment in yourself. If you get them for any reason, you'll be lucky if you even dump most of them -- hell, you'll be lucky if you dump ANY of them. Either way, you won't have your $500. But if you start (even with some sort of good intention or different plan "this time") you will have wasted all your time in South America. Moreover, some time from now (1 month, 3, 6?) you'll be trying this again and be wondering "oh my God, how did I do this *again*? I made it out of the rabbit hole, why did I dive back in?? You've made through the physically tough part -- don't let the pain and determination of the past 10 day be for naught.
'Night all
So wuts your story? If not Fl, then where are you? If ya like to tell me that is.
Thx,
Suzie
Day 11 (or 17 out of 23 as I like to say, with stubborn unwillingness to let go of the 6 100% clean day before my 6 day slip) here, in West Virginia.
I seem to experience *amazing* effects from the L-Tyrosine -- a feeling of well-being that floods through me, which almost hydro-like, but without the detached, foggy feeling.
Gotta run, I'm late . . .
CATUF
good job,
bmac
Today is going to be a good day. I could smell it when I stepped outside in the morning. I could feel it when the wind hit my face with the heat from the sun. Nothing else mattered. It was perfect.
As I was walking, I wondered, How is it that this happened? I looked back to my first experences with the drugs, and I really dont know why I started in the first place. Everything was going great for me before the drugs. And everything after just started to go downhill.
I know that I want to fix this now. I see in my future that I am going to make it back up that hill. All of us will. And we'll climb it together. We're doing it now. Wheter we are tapering, detoxing, or going straight CT, we're doing it.
We've all gone so far and done so much, we cant stop now. Even coing to tis forum and facing your problems is a great challenge! I know. My first day here was hell. I cried. I didn't think ould ever do what I've done so far. It was tearing me up from the inside. But even though nobody here knows me personaly, they helped me. Wow, now thats something you don't see everyday!
This has been a learning experience in itself.
Festertool
P.S: Everybody give it up for bmac. (Bill) It's his 50th day!
Suzie
this year and all the potheads are going nuts.Well today will be easier for you and tommorrow will be easier than today.Oh listen
to my wisdom,I am sounding like my dad now,Oh no I am becoming my father,God help me.I can't even understand the lyrics to the new music anymore and that's what my dad use to say,'what the hell are you listening to,I can't understand a word'.It is a scary thing to wake up one morning and discover you have become your father.But I have wonderful parents and I shouldn't complain
At least I still have them.
Have a good day,
bmac
Tapering never worked for me. I tried over and over and just kept failing.
But, if you do have it in you to taper, the gentlest way to do it is to go down 1 pill every other day. That way, you don't feel as strong a withdrawal. The down side of that method is that it takes a long time and you run the risk of taking more "just this once" and before you know it, you are back where you started or beyond.
Another tapering option is to do it faster, cut your intake by a third a day. You'll still feel withdrawals with this though.
There is no easy way out, but recovery is possible! Never give up. If you try to taper and you are not able, don't give up. There are other options and most of us don't make it the first time we try. Getting off the meds is the easy part. Staying off is where the real work begins.
Stay with us, and good luck.
love,
WW
I appreciate your sincerity in your thread. I thought I was the only one who cried out of fear of letting down the ones I Love so much. Stay cool.
Goldenbear
Laters
Christine
So the game is on,injuries and all huh?guess we'll be on equal footing.
GO VOLS!
pixi
religion.It sux and is full of lies.That is why so many people are turned off by religion because the denominationalism(what a word)You know that I am right and you are wrong therory they teach.But true Christanity is a beautiful thing.But you can't find much of it in todays society.Only a chosen few.But that can bring wrath from the religious community just making that statement but I don't answer to them,I answer only to the Father that gave me life.I am rambling again so if you want the links to these hebrew/greek translation email me at ***@****
I don't think I want to post them here,we get enough hate mail
without me making it worse,I hope you have a better day than yesterday and yes I missed you yesterday!!!
bmac