Xanax

[shubunkin]

I take .75 mgs a day of Xanax.(.25) 3 times a day. Are there drugs I could change to that would be easier and safer to taper off of and what are they? I get horrible muscle tension when I go any lower than this dose and panic attacks.

[mrmichael67]

Xanax is a short acting benzo.  You should go to Valium (diazepam) or Klonopin (clonazepam) to taper with.  They are both longer acting benzos.  If you were under the care of a doctor and were getting ready to taper, they would do the same.  Actually, they would switch you over to maintain you as well....or they should.

[Inmytree]

Been watchin you guys for awhile and just wanted to let everyone here know, this place matters ( Au Contrare Bill Murray!)
My question is this.... As this is my 5th day clean, is there any better feeling than that magical 5th day when our bodies become whole again, our soul is on the mend, we take showers instead of baths, our families exist again, friends are no longer pillars to be avoided and the world seems like a better place?  If I could bottle this fleeting few upcoming days I would but I believe by coming to this forum and seeing ths struggles and fight in all of you people I will carry on w/ each of you in my heart. Thank you to all of your unseen faces and words of wisdom ( Thomas , Meth et al. ) Rage, Rage against this evil machine I say! This is probably my 50th time raging, but what the hell, no one ever said I was smart... Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil... yeah right..Keep writing ya'll, I'll keep reading....

[Kurt Cobain]

Good advice as usual, mr m. . .always enjoyable to hear from others who, for good or ill, KNOW.  Theoretical knowledge provides a "good start" as a background for helping others, but the most helpful people in my life as regards the issue of addiciton are those who have been there, done that, eaten-the-T-shirt kind of people.  I'm sure just about everyone here could say the same.

Inmytree, don't know about that "day 5 magic", specifically (since it seems most of my withdrawal misery lasted longer than that), but I am very familiar with the feeling. . .that the bondage has been lifted and you are being welcomed back into the human race.  The cell door has been unlocked, and the freedom to just walk away is exhilarating. . .but pretty friggin' scary as well.  Enjoy these days of freedom, my friend. . .if you put enough of them together, you'll find that they will never really go away.  Jeez, that sounds really corny, doesn't it?  And yes, you WILL have shitty days clean and sober, too, plenty of them -- but there's nothing so bad in life that getting high won't make it suck even worse when the junk is gone.

Peace,

Kurt

[Nana42]

This might seem a silly question, BUT....If I'm taking 4 Vicodin a day and 1 Clonazepam at night for sleep, will the withdrawl from Vicodin be easier?  Or will my body already have a tolorence built up to the Clonazepam and not work as well for w/d's?  See where I'm going with this?  

I'm seriously feeling like this is where my addiction should stop and am trying to figure out a plan as to how to accomplish this the easiest way.  I'm also taking Prednisone (20mg/day)...so my pain is gone, but my head still WANTS the Vicodin. AND...when I cut back on the Vicodin, I go through high anxiety and panic attacks. (I posted a few days ago with all of this...so sorry if it's repetitious for some of you).

I'm just at a point where I feel that things have gotten out of control for me and I'm using the Vicodin to do day-to-day functions and for the 'high' it gives me.  Time for me to stop the merry-go-round and stand of solid ground again.

Any suggestions?

[hippy]

the panic and with drawls are bad for a week
then it is just depression and lacl of energy

[Nana42]

How uplifting and encouraging!  Sign me up for THAT!!!!  NOT!

*I'm really not a sarcastic person, but I'm totally seriously looking for answers and help...*

[Roxy30mg]

I'm also taking Vicodin ES 7.5. I also take a mg of Clonazepam to get to sleep. They work great for getting me to sleep. The problem I have is I also take them together along with 25mg's of Amytryptyline. I have chronic back pain. The results are just in from my MRI. I have five degenerated discs along with two bulging discs. I take the Vicodin about every four hours now. The good thing about the Clonazepam is I don't wake up in four hours to take a Vicodin. When I do wake up though I'm usually hurting pretty bad. So, the bad part is I've been double dosing of Vicodin when I wake up. I know I'm not doing the meds the way I should but, at this time I'm too weak to try and stop. My meds are all prescribed to me except for the Clonazepam. That I bought online and was sent to me from origins unknown. There was a lot of foreign stamps on the package they came in. I got five hundred .5 mg's. Are your Clonazepam precribed to you? I no the combination of meds I'm taking isn't recomended. The forum Doctor already scolded me for my drug taking methods on a different thread. Be careful I wouldn't want you getting hurt to be an example for me.

[Nana42]

Thank you for your reply!  I'm sorry to hear about all the pain you're in.  For me, the Prednisone pretty well zapped all of mine.

As for the Clonazepam (generic for Klonopin I think), it is Doctor prescribed.  I didn't even really know what it was until he said I should start taking one at bedtime, so I did some research.  Then I came here and see that people use it with withdrawl.  I had no idea you could buy that stuff online...and I'll take your advise and not even entertain that idea.  I'm trying to stick to my doctors recommendations, but I don't think she knows how addicted I am to the Vikes...I've told her, but she just brushed it off and said "Naaaa...you're not on that much to be addicted".  Well, I've been on it for a year now and am SURE that I am.

In any case, does anyone have any insight as to my first question here?  Regarding the Clonazepam and withdrawls? (other than it's horrible and then you start in with depression and lack of energy!)

Thanks everyone...It's so great to have a place to get answers without exposing yourself to your family/friends.  *guess that makes me a closet-abuser...although, by the looks of my closet, it could use some abuse!  It's a mess!!!!*

[Nana42]

I just read my post and thought it looked odd that I refer to my doc as he at one point and she at another.

I should clarify....I see a female GP and a male Rheumy.  They are both in the same clinic and are both well aware of what each one is doing.

[mrmichael67]

I think I know where you are going with it.  I would imagine the withdrawals will be the same.  You might have to take an extra clonazepam to feel the anti-anxiety effects from it as you might be tolerant to it.  But, taking the one clonazepam shouldn't affect your withdrawals from hydrocodone at all.  Benzo's act on different receptors than opiates do.  If I were to detox, I would have xanax or ativan on hand as well as an ounce of weed.  Weed doesn't make me paranoid at all.  Of course, weed wouldn't help some for that very reason.  If it makes you paranoid, then I would say avoid it like the plague.  If you can smoke it, then by all means, do.  If you were to take a benzo for withdrawal, you would do best with one that gave some bang, like xanax or ativan.  I wouldn't do it for more than a week either.

[Nana42]

WHO ARE YOU??????  You give such great advise and seem to be so concerned about everyone...

I'm just curious if you were a doc at some point or in the medical field in some capacity...???  You're very informed and it's so nice of you to offer advise and caring words, just out of the goodness of your heart.  Are you here often? I'm quite new, so I don't know anyone.

ps. Thank you for responding to me on my question.

[mrmichael67]

I am not a doctor, but I did educate myself.  I have logged countless hours of reading and more reading on the very things we usually discuss here....for myself and others.  I am most versed in opioids, though.  I first started to read about opioids because I wanted to know about what caused me to be like I am.  You are very welcome, by the way.  I have been here, on and off, for a few years.

[mystere]

Hi and Welcome!--if you are serious about getting rid of those demon pills this is the place to be--I wish I had found this sight when I was only taking 4-5 pills per day!  I am detoxing (again) from my insatiable hydrocodone habit--I was up to 12-15 pills (10/325) per day--It started after my neck surgery several years ago--Nothing and I do mean nothing made me feel like those vicoden--I had energy, housework was a delight, and everything seemed just about RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. There was nothing I couldn't do when I was on those pills---And Then one day I took my morning "happy pill" and I noticed after about an hour I didn't have that "warm fuzzy full of pep" feeling that I had grown quite accustomed to--Sooo I decided--what the hell I'll take another one and yes the wonderful feeling returned--Then several weeks later I discovered 2 didn't quite do the trick so I thought what the hell I've got a lot to do today and you can't really overdose on three pills and the rest as they say is history--The insidious part about the pills is that they sneak up on you--It may not be tomorrow or next week but IT WILL HAPPEN! --and before you know it you are taking 15 per day--And when that happens that wonderful energetic feeling has been long gone and you at the point of just trying to prevent withdrawal symptoms--All of my pills were obtained through a doctor's legitimate prescription--I used several doctors and several pharmacies--I was extremely adept at hiding my addiction--No one knew including my husband and he's a physician--He knew I took "pain medicine" but had no idea how many pills I was consuming--until 2 months ago when my world came crashing down--I was caught in a whopper of a lie about leaving my pills in a hotel when we were out of town--My husband found out and he was devestated--I came very close to losing the man I Love and adore--Anyway the moral of this story is please stop while you can--As far as the withdrawals go the fear is actually worse than going through it. A friend of mine had been taking three pills per day and went cold turkey--He experienced mild symtoms but nothing like some of us have been through--I can't say it enough--There is life after those pills--A REAL LIFE--You just have to keep on fighting for it--Good luck we are all here for you--This board saved my sanity--That's why I keep fighting--There are a lot of wonderful people here--The Thomas Recipe Works! Lots of Love--You're in my prayers--peace/Mystere AKA N.O. Lady

Anne

[Nana42]

Michael67...thank you.  That's all I can say and I mean it from the bottom of my heart...thank you.  What we do without people like you in the world!  

You said that Clonazepam shouldn't affect my w/d from the Vikes.  Did you mean that it won't help?  Or that by me taking it now, it shouldn't minimize it's effectiveness when that day comes that I decide 'TODAY IS THE DAY'.

You also said that I should have xanax or ativan on hand for w/d...actually better than the Clonazepam.  Right?  Where do I get those?  My doctor?  If so, do I just ask him for it?  Will he give it to me?

I've smoked weed, but it mostly made me feel iky...kinda nauseous (probably because when used to smoke it, I was already three-sheets-to-the-wind with alcohol...which I don't drink anymore).

mystere...I'm hearin' ya and I take what you're saying very seriously.  That's why I'm here I guess.  I have a 4 week supply of 4/day sitting in my bedroom...and I'm thinking that by the time they are gone, I want to be done.  This is my hope.  I know that some would say to just throw the damn things away...but I don't think I can do that.  Not just yet.  How weak, huh.

Anyway, thank you guys for your support...hopefully one day I'll be able to return some good somewhere.

Nana

[Nana42]

...OOHHHHH....one more thing.  How will this Prednisone affect all of this?  It makes me feel great...no more pain at all!  I've been on it for two weeks and the doc says he wants me to do a:

2 weeks/20mg
2 weeks/10mg
2 weeks/10mg every other day

Is there also going to be w/d from that as well?  Or is the tapering off just because of the adrenal gland issue...???

[mrmichael67]

My mom was previously on prednisone and had withdrawal symptoms when she came off of it.  I will look into it for you.

[gracie97]

So glad you are here! I am leaving for Vegas Friday, with no worries (about hiding my ILLEGAL/UNPRESRIBED scripts). Also awaiting a new job call-NO WORRIES about the DRUG TEST (if the job prospect gets that far). Finally told someone, in person what we went through-gosh did it do wonders to get it off my chest. Anne, you are doing just great! I will never forget my chats with you, you have given me much strength! Someone else posted about finding your "song", well that one I hated about when I first quit "I can see clearly now the PILLS are gone" I sing it now and just laugh at them-NOT to say I don't ever get in a mood where they sound great, but I can still sing that song now and NOT have the urge to "punch Rick in the nose". :>)

Peazy, I got confused about the shoulder pain, sorry I did not respond, I just did not understand....

Thanks to everyone, and the great posts that are back!

[mrmichael67]

Alcohol will make you nauseas when you smoke weed.  I have gotten sick from smoking weed after a night of drinking.  Ask your doc for the ativan or xanax.  Yes, I meant use one of them instead of the clonazepam.  They are more effective.  Clonazepam will work if you are currently taking it when you decide the time is right.  You will just have to take a little more of it, that's all.  That is because you will be somewhat tolerant to it.  I will ask my mom about the prednisone and get back to you on it.

[mrmichael67]

What I meant about the clonazepam is that if you are taking it, it won't keep you from going into hydro withdrawal.  I honestly wasn't sure what you wanted to know.

[peaz]

I see I had you totally speechless......LOL I have that effect on a lot of people....:-)
   Damn, woman!! You are doing SO WELL!!!  You are going to have fun in Vegas w/ your new carefree life!!!  My ex lives there so I will email you w/ an address and incindiary device...(JK --don't send the SWAT team)  
Can you tell me more abut your job prospect??  I can tell you, firsthand, that it IS wonderful not having to worry about dropping dirty n a drug screen. It's  WAY easier just to stay clean in the first place. (IMHO)  
   I'll play the Jonny Nash song for both of you today around 4:00 PM CSDT so if you get an irritation in your left temple, it's just me....LOL  It was really good to hear from you! Love, Peazy

[peaz]

I think maybe we're being punished for our shenanigans when  GoatButt  was here as far as available threads, but if we show our wonderful, compassionate sides, perhaps the seas will part and we will have threads open to us once again....My suggestion as far as his return is a simple, yet effective one: NO ONE POST TO HIM.  And as simple as that may sound, it has heretofore proven IMPOSSIBLE because there's always those few posters who can't RESIST (I've been in this catagory myself!!) and then we're off to the races.  If he were to get NO FEEDBACK, in time he would (PROBABLY-----I say PROBABLY--because he does like to hear himself ramble) get tired and take his balls home.(THERE!!  I finally got to say it!!LOL)  The other inherent solution is that he not be given access to the "barnyard" in the first place-----however, that one is out of my scope of operations, and I rely on the forum directors as the powers that be.  Maybe if we ALL sit and CONCENTRATE REALLY hard--we'll be able to send Ciindy and Phil our banning vibes and voila!  it will happen!!!  Okay?  So now, everyone, shut your eyes and think HARD. No--HARDER-----HARD< HARD< HARD!!!!!   Oh jeez--I think I just crapped my pants.....LOLLOLOL  This mind stuff is MUCH more difficult than they lead you to believe!!!
    Anyway---------Nice to hear from you. Make an appearance from time-to-time .......Love, Peazy

[mystere]

Good morning--Have a great time in Las Vegas--It is one of my favorite places on the planet--Wouldn't you know--the Capital of Greed, Lust, Debauchery and Total overindulgence being one of my favorite places--Go Figure--Anyway when we would go out of town I would get paranoid that airport security would discover my precious 100 hydrocodone pills.  I would wrap the bottle in tissue paper then put it in a make-up case and then stick it in the bottom of my purse--Holding my breath as it went through the x-ray machine--wondering if they could "see" the HUGE pill bottle I had stashed away--wondering what the hell I would do if they decided to search my purse--Well Hon with the grace of God and this forum and wonderful people like you and peaz those days are history--And believe it or not you Can have a great vacation without "mother's little helpers"----Hubby and I are headed for the Gulf Coast for a Long Weekend--He doesn't know about my "little stumble" last weekend with the 28 Vicoden--But I'm back on track with 78 hrs under my belt--I'm going to keep on doing this until I get it right--All My love--Peace Prayers--Mystere/AKA N.O. Lady

Anne

[mystere]

One more thing--if you get a chance go and see of of the Cirque du Soleil shows--"O" is playing at Bellagio--it will take your breath away--I am a "Cirque" fanatic--"Mystere" is playing at Treasure Island--It is also fabulous--I was so impressed I named my cat Mystere and hence my computer nickname--Have a wonderful "pill free" trip and please check in when you get back so we can here all about it!--All my love--Peace/Prayers--Mystere--AKA N.O. Lady

Anne

[peaz]

Hi Doll--Wish I was going to the Gulf  WITHOUT my husband....LOL  That's another long story...:-) You are doing a great job!! 78 hours is just waht the doctor ordered.  What really impresses me is your determination and willingness to put your nose back to the grindstone and get back on track. Way to be!!  Enjoy your weekend and post to us when you get back.    Love and kisses--Peazy

P.S.  I don't think whatsisname needs to know about your "slip"....but tell yourself that if it happens again you must tell him.  That might help you avoid a relapse.....Remember---a few days high is NOT worth the guilt!!! Keep up the good work.

[pammy0690]

I think that Peazy is right.  Just bringing up the subject of the resent unpleasantness adds fuel to the fire.  Best to talk about what we are here for.  Also we should try to get to the point when there are limited threads and responses.  Pammy

[bmac]

I can't get limited, you know me! But it was a nice thought Doll!
(oh I am in trouble now) If I dont come back, it was Pammy)!

[mrmichael67]

Oh peazy, did you soil your britches?

[last chance]

I will be going down the withdrawal path soon from xanax, I have to get into see my meds dr, but i'm off work and i hope i don't lose my job.  I need some help and other ideas for copy with I know this is horrible to go through I have done it before, then my husband past away and me and my 5 year were alone.  I  need some suggestions

[bmac]

I am sure someone who knows about this type drug will come and help you. Welcome to the forum! Lots of great individuals here and alot of good advice. It is all free BTW! LOL   Bmac

[Chezz2]

Sorry to hear about your Zanax addiction. From what I hear the withdrawals can not only be deadly, they are EXTREMELY uncomfortable and you end up having more anxiety than you ever had before you started taking the med if that is what you were taking it for.
You need to educate yourself on the Dr. Ashton's benzodiazapine detox method.
Here is a site that will get you started.

http://www.geocities.com/benzobusters/

There is a link on there for Dr. Ashtons method. She is world renown for her research and detox method for benzo's. Specifically Zanax, seeing as how it is the most dangerous, has the fastest half-life, and is overall the hardest to detox from.

I could tell you to switch to a longer acting benzo like Valium and slowly tapering from there. But for your safety and getting educated yourself it is best if you use her method as a guide. She has spent the last 20 years treating patients and perfecting a SAFE method of detox, which is the most important since you can DIE if you don't detox correctly.
I am not tryingto scare I am not trying to scare you. I just want to see you detox SAFELY.
Feel free to post more, we are hear to support you...

Chezz

[goldie52]

I'm new here.  I am facing a admission to rehab centre which I have been avoiding.  My doctor has forced the issue on my, although logic tells me he is right, and I agreed to this, I am frigtened out of my wits at the thought of rehab and withdrawl.

For 4 years plus I have been taking
Xanax  .05 mgs   ten to twelve tablets a day, I am only supposed to take 8.

Oxycontin, I am supposed to take 90 mgs twice  a day, I have been taking three times that amount and my doctor up to two weeks ago always refilled my scripts early.  He always warned me that I was supposed to make the prescription last 30 days, but I never made that 30th day but once in all those years.  In the last two months I have only been able to make a 30 day supply last 14 or 15 days and that is bad because my doctor always gave me 40 or so extra pills a months to allow me latitude in my pain control.  I have a wonderful doctor and am ashamed to say that I would always find a reason to come in early and sometimes made up and told falsehoods to get in early to get my prescription refilled.  More and more I needed extra pills, I can't function without the xanax for panic and oxycontin for pain.  I am so ashamed of myself for abusing the trust of a fine physican as my doctor is and I don't know what to do.  I have turned off my answering machine and shut off the ringers of the phone to avoid getting that call that will summon me to rehab.

oh god forgive me......goldie

[jack daniels]

Rehab is the **** if you want to brake FREE of the drugs....it takes a lot of guts to go check your self in, but if you really need off the drugs i think it is the best way to go..and god will forgive you..TALK TO HIM HE WILL LEASON AND HELP.....GOOD LUCK...jack

[peaz]

Yo Pammie Sue----How DO you DO??!!  Haven't talked to you in awhile. Where's those house pics??

Billy----You are a complete mess but we love you even if you DO talk funny.....The scary part is, I'm starting to understand you perfectly.

Mrm----Well, since you aren't here, I don't have to 'fess up about the "accident"......What you don't know won't hurt you. But thanks for being so concerned about my britches......LOL



Love y'all--Peazy Lou

[pammy0690]

Hi friend!  I am STILL unpacking boxes!  I am going to spend the weekend getting it together.  Pictures will come soon!  Every room still has boxes in it.  I never knew all the stuff I had!  Have great day!  Pammy

[bmac]

If Pix were here, it would be complete. I miss my 3 'P's

[pammy0690]

We love you Bill!  Pammy

[bmac]

I love you too P's. You are just incredible to me. I am a lucky man Doll!   Thanx Pixi, Peazy and Pamela for making my life worth living and I mean that from the bottom of my heart! Bill

Everyone, it just goes to show that here lifelong friendships are made and we do need each other. I wish everyone knew my story and how the people here and this forum saved my life. I can not tell you guys how important each of you are to someone. Remember that someone is depending on you or needing you. That should be reason enough to get your **** together. Whether its being clean or doing the right thing with your meds, Life can be good and fun and right again. Thanks to Cindy and Phil and everyone of you who I have crossed paths with, I am truly Blessed! Bmac

[lisabet]

Hey, Billy, but.... what about ME?????  Now it's my turn to have hurt feelings for not being mentioned.  <<<pouting>>> ...smile...JK...(kinda)...:)  
Have a great weekend, you chick magnet, you!
Love, Lisabet

[rodewc]

It is confusing why you are against Rehab? It sounds like you want OFF meds, and you have pegged the alarming amounts you are consuming which, as you noted, are killer.

I saw a girl come thru Rehab 10 yrs ago. She had a hefty Xanax addiction. I did not know what Xanax were back then. No other patients were withdrawing from sedatives. She was treated differently from the other addicts: alchies, crackheads, pillheads (etc.) in that Rehab facility. The Powers That Be allowed her to sleep (while the rest of us were shuffled among classes, meetings and  therapists) This Xanax addict was gently guided her back to the real world. I am sure she had different meds than we, but like I said, I didn't know what her "program" was, or anything @ Xanax.

My experience w/ this, my only in-patient Rehab sucked because I sucked. I was playing a major game w/ (alcohol) rehab. First off, I wasn't addicted to alcohol, nor am I now. If I did it over, I would do it gladly and w/ an open mind.

Even after going cold turkey off pills this year (my only attempt to quit), I would benefit and appreciate an in-patient rehab. Especially w/ the "Frey" book as a basis for my mind-set, realizing I could indeed leave what I perceived as BS from Rehab, and "take" what I needed. If you haven't read Frey's book "Million Little Pieces," try to get a copy; read it, plug it your home phone and embrace what could be a lifeline: Rehab.

I hope this isn't crudely blunt and that you find your path of light.

rwc//

[bmac]

I didnt mean to leave you out Doll. It was to the 'P's'. Inside story. I do love you madly though and I would never leave you out of anything, I promise, Believe me?
                 Bill

[peaz]

Well, dear one---it WAS fate that through the P's together w/ you, Mike, and  percs.  Ah---that  August day when we chanced to sign in on this addiction forum...... My life has not been the same since, either.  Especially since May 31st.....LOL  But, we digress......
   Thanks for appreciating us so much--we love you right back, Doll.   Love Always--Peazy

[longtimegone]

Where ya been girl? I get the feeling you have been ducking me, ya don't respond to me on here or answer your email anymore. Don't tell me that you cut me off too! I'm just giving ya a hard time. Take care sweetheart
Big Jim

[lisabet]

Me, cut YOU off????  Never my sweet.  Have you e-mailed me?  I haven't gotten one from you in a couple of weeks...hopefully my e-mail isn't screwed up.  Will e-mail ya tonight and catch up. Hope you're staying out of trouble (and that includes bar brawls too!!!)....smile....Take care, big Jim...talk to ya later.  Lisabet

[MethMan]

Peazy, I told you not to hang around the likes of that bass player. Now clean up. You've got a doctor's appointment to make.
Damn... I'm gettin' too damn old to keep these broads in line.  TOO DAMN OLD.  It's like raisin' a family of 17 year old girls that like Thunderbird back seats.  TOO DAMN OLD.
And one more thing.  I don't care if they're handing em out in school.  You can't have any and they AREN'T BALLOONS!

[peaz]

I cannot believe my HUGE grammar error above......Mea cupla, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.....
    Methman, Billy TOLD me they were balloons---was he kidding me???!!!  

P.S.  Do you HAVE a T-bird?? LOL

[MethMan]

He didn't tell you to blow one up, did he?

And no, I don't have a thunderbird.  But my truck has a hell of a bedliner.  Rodeo Girl tested, Hillbilly approved.

[peaz]

The bedliner will do in a pinch, pard.......Could ya line it w/ Bud bottles w/ candles stuck in 'em and  strum on your "getar" to serenade me?  Ah DO like a little romance, ya know.....after awhile we won't know where we are, anyway...:-)  YEEE HAW~~~

[goldie52]

Thankyou for responding friend.  

I am not against rehab per say, I am just frightened out of my wits.  I started taking the oxycontin because I have had a terrible infection in my leg and both my ankle and my knee of my right leg were infected.  Actually they were septic.  I had broken my ankle in 1987 and the injury was so bad that the doctors said at the time that they should remove it.  I freaked and said "NO!!" do anything you can to save my leg.  They told me then that I would never be able to walk again on that leg the way it was and if I did, I would have a bad limp, have to have abrace and use walkers, crutches and canes the rest of my life.  I became obsessed with my ankle and I worked so hard at physical rehab that I over came my problem and not only did I keep my leg, I walked, without a cane, without crutches...no walker.  In the three long painful years of my rehabilitation of my leg I never took pain killers after the initial 6 weeks after surgery.  I went back to college, because I had been a nurse but because nurses are on their feet all day, I decided to change professions.  My son was 15 when I started back to college and my husband was very supportive.  I took a law course and graduated after 3 years at the top of my class and received my diploma and instead of going further and studing for a year to write the bar exam, I took a job in a busy law office.  Corporate and Commercial law.  I worked for 5 years, as a Law Clerk, in one of the busiest law practise'sn my area and won the respect and admiration of all the lawyers I worked for.  I spent my time researching, searching presidents for criminal and divorce proceedures,making drafts of will's and setting up corporate initiating articles for many different clients.  I loved it.  I am a quiet person by nature and knew I did not have the orators skill to be in the court room, so I was comfortable being a Law Clerk and did not want the responsibility of being a lawyer.

Then suddenly I started having trouble with my leg, at first it was just mildly annoying but as time went on the pain became a big issue and I went to have it looked at.  They did scans and tests and came up with the idea that I could have the ankle joint fused and that would take care of the problem.  The first operation went well and a week after the surgery I was home and even doing home based work for my employers.  As the weeks and months went by, I saw the doctors every couple of weeks and they scanned my ankle with the cast on and finally after 8 months the fusion had not taken place and I was back on the table.  Tis time they took bone from my hips and re-fused the ankle.  Ten months later the cast came off and I did wear a brce for a few months, but the pain got worse and the knee started to swell.  After several more operations now not just on my ankle but my knee as well, I was told that the leg should come off.  Nope, no way said I.  I went back to work brace and all.  Everyday it got worse, finally one night, this was a couple of christmas's ago, I was wrapping presents at my diningroom table went the pain started to get bad, before a half hour went by I was on the floor screaming, my husband called an ambulance and I was shipped to the hospital and they got me comfortable with morphine.  Sometime later the next day, I was in a fog, I was shipped to another hospital were they finally told me that my ankle and knee joints of my right leg were septic, I was going to lose my leg.  Stubborn, I said no.  I stayed in the hospital for months on antibiotics and then finally sent home with a pic line and IV antibiotics and three times a day a nurse came in the change the IV bag and change the drainage dressings.  A year went by but I had my leg.  That is how I got on the oxycontin.  Because I was so freaked out, you can imagine being stuck in the house in bed for over a year, the xanax was started.  Now I am hopelessly in pain and addicted.  The reason I am afraid of rehab is because after so many years of pain I can't visualise being off the pain killers and anxiety meds.  Everytime I try to cut back, the pain returns, and it is bad.  The doctors now tell me that even if they take the leg, phantom pain is a possibility and there is no way to deal with phantom pain, a catch 22 situation.  Caused by me, if I had let them take the leg when all of this started, I wouldn't have developed the chronic pain syndrome and phantom pain wouldn't be an issue.

Oh god......I'm sorry, I know everyone here has a story, and probley worse than mine, but I am so frightend....unsure of myself and don't know what to expect in a rehab situation.  I don't expect special treatment, an addict is an addict, whether you took the drugs because your doctors prescribed them or whether you take them to ease emotional pain.  

I know I am addicted, but I can't imagine life with unbearable pain everyday.  I have never ever thought about suicide, but I can understand why someone would consider it.  I am only 51, even though everyone I know take me for 20 years younger than that, God was kind to me and I take after my parents and grandparents, all of whom never had grey hair and looked years younger. Still 51 is young in this day and age and I have so much living left to do, things I want to do, place I want to go, experiences I want to have.  Fear    FEAR     FEAR   is what is holding me back.  I can't face the pain, I cannot.  God help me.

I'm sorry for rambling on, but you all seem so wonderful and honest.  I would appreciate any and all comments whether they are kind and thoughtful or brutally honest and crude.  Tell me what you really think.

thankyou so.....

goldie52

[jack daniels]

go to rehab...it's hard at first, but now i really love it..go and unload your problems, it works...i go 4 days a week..and i'm now clean 13 days..after being on oxy. for 12 years...just go for it..you can do it..the support is OUTSTANDING!!  Jack

[Jesse702]

I've been having panic attacks and general anxiety for awhile now. I went to the UMC ER for what felt like a heart attack, which turned out to be a "panic attack". He gave me 10 1mg alprazolam 1mg. I've never felt better, I've actually improved in many different aspects of life (ie. confidence, esteem, and drive) because I knew the panic attacks were being supressed. Well, after the ER trip I was referred to Nevada Mental Health. I go there and they will NOT prescribe xanax, so they gave me Gabapentin 300mg, which is used to treat seizures and neurological pain (nothing Im suffering from). I was curious if there is any info you, or anyone can provide me with on how I can get the medicine I need to feel better. Since, I've stopped taking the Gabapentin, because its making me a "robot" and making my head hurt, which to me, is not good or working. PLEASE HELP!

[FLaddict]

You posted on a thread that is 4 years old.. You may wanna try to post on a thread started today or post a new question. My suggestion is to get a new doctor.. Xanax is highly addicting and you get addicted to it very quickly.. That is probably why they would not prescribe it.
Also you may wanna check the mental health forum. the addiction forum is for people getting off of addictive pills and substances not getting on them. You may find better help at the other forum in this matter.