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Avatar universal

You don't know me, but you are like family

Hello MH family! I have been lurking on this site for over a year and never got up the nerve to post. I have followed all of you. Your getting clean, your struggles with WD's, your (unfortunate) relapses. A lot of the posts have brought me to tears. You see, I have been there. This is a VERY long story, but will try to make it as short as possible.

My love affair with opiates began in 2003. My best friend and I were in my medicine cabinet looking for something and I had an old bottle of Vicodin from when I had a root canal done. It had been there over a year and I had never touched it. My friend: OMG!! You have Vicodin?? Let's take some!! Me: But I'm not in any pain. My friend: You dork! You don't have to be in any pain to take them!! I will never forget that day and how I should have just said no and given them to her....

Fast forward 3 years and I am now taking 15-17 10/325 Norcos daily. I always got them legally. Through a pain clinic where I was going due to chronic pelvic pain. I also was working for an OB/GYN Dr at the time that I had been working at for 13 years. He and I were very close. He was writing me Rx's also and I would take those when I ran out early from the ones the clinic had given me. One of my duties at work was to open the mail. One day I opened an envelope from the DEA. Guess who it was about? Yep. Me. It had a list of all the Rx's I had got, both of the prescribing Dr's and the myriad of different pharmacies I used. I kept that letter in my purse for 2 days while I tried to figure out what to do. I sat down with my boss, physician and best friend and handed it to him while I cried.

  I took a leave of absence from work to attend outpatient rehab 5 days a week. The dr who ran the program put me on Subutex. They didn't have strips back then, it was a pill. I went down a little bit every week til I was on a little tiny chunk and then I stopped. I think I was on it about 3 months. I had no WD's at all when I stopped. I never did any kind of real aftercare except that I started attending a unity church. I got very into holistic things like acupuncture, yoga and meditation. I was doing and feeling great. Then after awhile, I started to slack off....

Fast forward to 2009. I had almost 2 years clean, except for the occasional Vicodin Rx when I had dental work or whatnot. Then I started having really bad almost daily headaches. I went to my GP and they gave me Darvocet. Do you think I said anything about my history as an addict? Of course not! My marriage was failing and I was generally unhappy and I know now I was looking to feel numb again. I took the Darvocet, always running out early of course, for about 6 months. I think Darvocet has been pulled off the market now. My GP finally wised up and said no more and I was opiate free for a year.

In 2010, I started getting really bad pain on the left side of my lower back. I went to an urgent care (they were also a GP) and they gave me Vicodin (yay!! in my head) and ordered an MRI. The MRI showed that I had a herniated disk in that area. They said I needed to go to physical therapy. I did and it made it worse. Worse than that, one of the guys doing stretches and massage on me started trying to touch places he shouldn't. He was fired shortly after when I complained. So, I was referred to a pain management clinic. Here we go again....

  The dr they sent me to was great. Female, only her in the practice and we got along like best friends. She started me on Oxycontin twice a day and Norco up to 6 a day for breakthrough pain. I never liked Oxycontin. I loved my Norco though and I would always run out early and came up with a million excuses to get them early. She finally ran a report, however they do and saw that I had been getting them too often, using different pharmacies, etc. On my routine monthly visit, she confronted me and told me she was dropping me as a patient. She gave me the name of another pain dr I could go to.

  So, I started with him and am with him to this day. His practice is nuts. Sooo busy. I think he is basically a drug dealer with a degree. I am on Norco 10/325, supposed to take up to 7 a day. I was doing ok with that until I had an incident in January where I had something go wrong with my right leg and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I have some kind of Neuropathy and RSD in my right leg. It is extremely painful. The hospital gave me Percocet 10/325. So then I was on that AND Norco. I went to my GP who gave me more percs and of course my pain dr is giving me Norcos.

  So the point I'm at now is I am taking about 5 Percocets and 8 Norcos a day. I know that I could probably manage my pain without them. I know it is a matter of time until I get "caught" again. I left my husband a little over a year ago and that was very painful. Not sure if I'm ready to feel yet....

  I just wanted to share my story with you all and let you know how inspirational all of you are. I know I can do this. I have before. I think my problem was no aftercare. Plus, it is just too easy to go down the street to an urgent care and get your drug of choice. How does anyone stay clean when your d.o.c. is something that has a legitimate purpose? Why can other people have these in their house for years and not touch them and I cannot??

  I am not clean or really trying to get clean, so I probably don't deserve to post on here with you wonderful, strong people. Just know that I am reading all of your posts. Everyday. I smile and cry along with you. My day will come :) I think it will be soon. Since I have been lurking here for over a year, deep down inside I think I am craving sobriety. This will definitely be the place I come for support :) Love and strength to all of you!

51 Responses
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Avatar universal
I know, I could never ever flush them either, to me that was literally like flushing money or jewelry down the toilet.  I cannot be anywhere near them right now,  I would obsess like crazy. I get a pang when I pass any pharmacy, I think "Lucky bastards getting vics right now and gets to take them normally." Wow, what stupid thinking. Idolizing a pill. A PILL. So stupid, now that I see it in writing. Needless to say I get you.  

You are still here and VERY open to everyone, so just keep doing that. And, yes of course you can go to NA/AA not clean!!!  They always say just come in and put your butt in a seat. All you need is the WANT to get clean, that's it.

I agree w/ VI...writing this all out to you helps us in the constant reminder of what it's like. And to get the he!! out of our own heads: it's a bad neighborhood!:)
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
Hi..It is OK to stay here..I have seen some really long ones..This Post got me thinking about the time when I was studying all about the Pleasure Brain, it is the Midbrain and it is all about survival..When we use this part of the Brain remembers the pleasure and it will do nothing else but look for the drugs. It does not care about any of the other survival instincts anymore. SO I used to say I was going to replace a NEW TAPE in that part of the brain so when I wake up it will only think of a Bowl of Cereal and some OJ, not a drug..lol
One of the Biggest things I had to change was my compulsive behavior..I had to have everything done at once, and at the same time, and done like Yesterday! I have been like this for 58 years of my Life..Well I know can say 56..Because when I got clean I had to take things in baby steps or I would want to get wired up on a substance and get it all done now..This was VERY hard at first..Then I started to tell myself that if I use I will die..So this is all materialistic and it is not worth dieing over..I will get it done when I can.I also remember one time having the clothes in the dryer for a week..I looked at that and told myself this is a good thing. Then the trash went as far as the porch until 2 days later I got it to the garage..Well that was a good thing..SO all of this just meant that I was changing for the best and I knew it would get done in time..Now that I am almost running into 2 years it all does get done and even better..Maybe not as fast and so spun out, but it does get done..This now makes me so proud that I do not have to think of a drug to get me going to do things now..I always have used the upper drugs to work..Even in the 80s when I used to do a lot of crank to get me going..It all looks silly to me now because my natural energy is better then the stimulant kind..Anyway, It sounds like you have come a ways since I first posted..Keep it up and keep on talking. We do Care and this gives us a chance to remember things too.
Bless U
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Avatar universal
   I am not scared of detox jifmoc. I am petrified! It has been about a year now since I have run out and been in WD. I hate the horrible aches, the chills, the runs, the fatigue, the insomnia and most of all the RLS!!!!! I know about all the vitamins, supplements, etc. It still just *****! I know, I know, I did this to myself. I have to pay the price to be free. I also have the chronic pain issues as well and have been on disability for over 6 months. I know I have to be opiate free for awhile to assess what my pain levels really are. It will probably be a lot less than I think and be manageable with OTC pain meds and stretching, yoga, etc.

  I am going to continue to try and taper with the pills I have remaining. If while tapering I start to get WD's, then screw it, I am going to jump. I will not go through that hell longer than I have to. I know there are a few of you out there saying just jump now and flush all those pills. Please remember that when I first posted on here, only 4 days ago, I wasn't even sure I wanted to get clean. I'm not going to flush my pills today. I apologize if that sounds weak or cowardly, but I just can't do it.

  My little one will be at his dads the next 3 days and I am going to google NA meetings in my area. Nope, I have never been to one. Probably why I have relapsed in the past. No aftercare. It is ok to go if I'm not clean yet, right??

  Thank you again for all these wonderful posts. If I would have never found this site a year ago and finally decided to post a few days ago, I don't think I would even be at this point where I am counting down to quit. It seems this site has truly been a life saver for so many. All of you should be so proud of yourselves and what you do to help other people. Please give yourselves a big hug from me :)

PS - since this thread is getting so long, should I start a new one soon? I don't really know how this all works :)
Helpful - 0
7680419 tn?1399056811
I loved what you said bama. "Living life on life's terms". This has been an amazing thread. Such truth and different journeys but still the same  harsh reality of addiction.  Every one deserves to break free. The support is wonderful.
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Avatar universal
Hey, girl! In LA so I'm awake. Boy, you are getting incredible advice and support on here. This thread is amazing. I totally agree w/ all above and Defco before me worded it in such a way that hit me: "The more time I borrowed, the more I had to pay back." What a great way of looking at this. So true.

I heard at a meeting the other day (have you ever been, btw?) a girl said "the magic is in the maybe." Meaning, if I say "Maybe I WILL just jump and go ct, maybe I WILL listen to someone else's brain instead of my own, maybe I WILL go to a meeting etc, etc. than I am keeping myself wide open to "magic." Instead of what we always tell ourselves: "I can't do this, it's too effin hard, that worked for the other person but it won't work for me etc."  That just reinforced how just being open is huge. Which you are doing.

Practically speaking, Deedee, your question about starting detox, taking a bit when the wd's get really bad etc. That sounds like sort of a panicked taper. From your posts thus far, I get the sense you are absolutely terrified of c/t. If I am right, what are you so scared of? I do know that the fear of detox is not only what keeps us stuck in this stupid cycle, but what we fear is FEELING physically and mentally uncomfortable. Boy, after being on pills, notice how our discomfort tolerance goes down to zero? You are stronger than you think, so am I. We just forgot.

Today was really a blah day, I felt sad (my Mom just passed of lung cancer (f****n cigarettes) and so scared and resentful of how I wasted the last 5 or 6 years on this sh!t. I go to a meeting every dang day and tonight, even after the meeting I felt sad, frustrated, pitiful you name it. And guess what? I called someone in the program, and felt better. Not great, but better. I had to feel uncomfortable feelings and I had no escape, just time and healthy distraction. If I had pills in front of me, I'm sure we know how that would have gone. My point is, all this is is feelings and we are so afraid of them. They won't kill us. And they change. They always change.  Discomfort is just a feeling. And it passes.

I brought that up to you because of the fear I hear in you. I get it, I get it, trust me! But perhaps use can look at this via a different lens, ya know:)?
Helpful - 0
9138777 tn?1403808466
Just checked in today and saw your post. The advice here is awesome and have helped me from detox to 37 days clean.

Reading your post, gave me a harsh reminder of where I was. I was taking 10 x 10/325 a day and it was getting worse. All events in my life were dictated by my pills. I have a 3 year old and 5 month old and i used to pills to adjust to the life of parent/breadwinner. It got to the point where I couldn't do anything without the pills.

Then I felt the squeeze. I needed them to be normal for the day, but I knew I was borrowing time. I knew this road led to destruction. And the longer I waited the more borrowed time I had to pay back. I knew all the excuses "last script" , "after the I finish my huge project at work" , "after my 3 yr olds birthday" were just extensions. I knew the more time I borrowed the harder it would be. Then i just jumped.

I've been clean for 37 days. I've stopped counting but i still check in here because an addicts minds is dangerous and I need this for the long run.  I'm building my relations back with my loved ones. It's hard, but I know these relationships are real. I'm not living my life with false lenses anymore.  

I don't post much, but after reading yours it feels like your close to the squeeze. You're getting closer to the jump. The people here held my hand during my jump and I can't thank them enough. I'm sharing this to pass the support they gave me. I still have a long road ahead of me but now I have these people to walk with me.

Keeeeeeep posting! Much love and support!
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Avatar universal
  Just when I think the posts can't get anymore touching and supportive, they do. LuLu747-I am so sorry for all you have been through. Thank god you got out of that situation. Thank you so much for all of your encouragement. Mominhell-I too thought I would be the last person that would ever get addicted to pain pills. I cannot blame my friend, but until she told me, I thought you HAD to be in pain to take them. I thought otherwise they didn't work. I would be more than happy to ride this out with you. Like I said, I am going to try and do a taper, I decreased by one pill today, but who knows what will happen tomorrow. I am an addict right? LOL. Bama88-wow...just an outstanding post. What a hell of a time you've been through. "Every day you take those pills is a day you can't and won't get back". That sentence hit me hard. You are so right. How many more days of my life do I want to hand over to these demon pills? Jinx_777- I am so sorry you are in constant pain. That must be miserable. You know, I have never even considered that if I got seriously hurt, that pain meds might not work due to my tolerance. That is very scary. Kinda like crying wolf huh? I hope you find some way soon to find some sort of relief. That is no way to live.

  Well, like I said, I decreased by one Percocet today, which really isn't much when you are taking 5 of those plus 8 Norcos a day. I guess it is something. I have heard a couple people before that said they have CT and then dose when they get WD's. They don't dose again until the WD's come back and so on. I guess the time gets farther and farther apart until you don't need to dose anymore? Has anyone heard of this or tried it?
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
i am just popping on to offer my support to you as well.
i tend to want to give precautionary advice, my lesson learned.  
prior to 2009 i had what i THOUGHT was a lot of pain.  degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, etc.  i took norco as well.  had to take them right when i woke and then found myself taking them when i was stressed, etc.  i finally quit all together.  my tolerance was really high anyway and i was not getting any 'eurphoria' from taking them any longer.  the worst was my life revolving around that script.  could i go on vacation? would i have enough pills?  how many days until my refill???  how many days would i have to go without because i ran out early?? etc, etc.  i am sure you know the drill.  i was a slave to norco and wasn't even getting any benefits from them anymore.  i never bought them off the street and never doctor shopped.  thank God
may 27, 2009 at 7:30pm.  my whole life changed in an instant.  fell off my roof and broke several bones, including pelvis, hip and back.  back was broke in about 4 places.
i now HAVE to take them or my blood pressure goes through the roof, cannot breathe, eat or sleep.  because i used them when i could had lived without them, my tolerance is so HIGH that there is no way to control my pain now.  
i am on fentanyl and percocet as well as every otc pain med there is.  
even on this much medication i still have unbearable pain and feel as though i am waiting to die.  not living.  only leave the house maybe 1 time every other month or so to go to the doctor.
so please, if at all possible..... get off of them while you can.  we never know when something catastrophic will happen to us and we will need pain relief.  
just the fact that you finally posted tells me that you are gearing up to stop.  i don't think i would go with methodone or subs or anything like that.  
in 5--7 days you will physically feel better and then you need to take care of the mental withdrawals which will be very hard for you unless you find a program that works for YOU.  whether that be NA or AA or a church program.  
take your life back. i sure wish i could.  
reading stories like your's really makes me wish i could turn back time.  even though i am in excruciating pain, i still am deciding on whether to just stop taking them.  they are probably helping me more than i think they are, but just knowing i have to be on them and feeling like i have no other choice makes me want to stop.  the side effects are awful anyway.  
i wish you the best of luck and i know you can do it.  looking forward to riding along your journey
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Avatar universal
Bama- That may have been the most kick a$$ post I've read on here. Fantastic. Thank you for posting!!!:)
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3197167 tn?1348968606
GREAT post, Bama~
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Avatar universal
Hi dee dee... We've all been where you are... Or at least I have.  When I first came to this site I read all the stories and slowly I saw the light.  I wasn't completely ready to give up my pills.  I was recovering from a total knee replacement that went wrong, I was going thru a lot of things....nothing good was happening. I mean nothing.  My daughter was facing a total hip replacement and she's only 14 at the time.  She's gonna be 16 next month.  My husband was out of control with his pain meds.  There was nothing I mean nothing positive in my life....everything was derailing at once.

I was on pain meds for over 8 years before I reclaimed my life.  Before I went to rehab I was on OxyContin.  I was taking over 360 mgs a day. 6 60's.  I was stoned out of my mind.... I went to rehab twice before I got clean.  First time I didn't finish because of legitimate medical reasons.  Once I got that under control I went back.  I was so scared.  I didn't know how I was gonna live with the pain.  Yet I really wanted to stop taking the pills.  Plus my life was so far out of control I needed a break.  

I learned so much in rehab.  It was the first time I was truthful with myself. And I learned how to let go and live life on life terms....

Now I look back and wondered how in the world did I live like that?  There isn't much drama in my life now.  My husband and I have a great marriage now.  My daughter is doing great...my house isn't in shambles.  My health actually improved.  I don't look like a walking zombie.  I think about good things now.  I'm not constantly stressed out.  I don't even think about pills.  Really.  I don't even post very much. I'm finally living life.

It took me awhile to learn how to cope in stressful situations. Or even in a relaxing situation.  I didn't know how to do normal anymore.

Was it easy? Heck no, it took almost six months to even out.  I was that far gone from reality.  I was so uncomfortable being sober in the beginning.  I didn't know what to do with my feelings or emotions.  I felt paranoid.  Like everyone was watching everything I did and judging me.

I was impatient too.  I wanted to instantly feel good.  It took me awhile to have a good day.  But then my days became better and better. And now....I don't have many bad days.

The reason I am saying all this to you is,  the longer you sit on the fence and wait to do something about your situation the harder it will be to bounce back.  The longer you stay gone from the truth of life your brain will start to believe the lies of addiction.  And, the longer you feed your body the narcotic fuel, your body is going to depend on it and when your ready to quit your brain and body isn't.

Every day you take those pills is a day you can't and won't get back.  And when you quit you will be mad at yourself for waiting too long.  Don't put off what you can do today.

It's your choice in the end.  

Please really think about stopping.  And I don't know many people who can responsibly taper.  Most cant.  It's too easy to say ill do it tomorrow.  Tomorrow never comes til it's too late for some.

You will find a lot of support on here.  You'll find a lot of love on here.  Doing the right things will lead you to the right places...

Wishing you the best, bama
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Hey Sara-

I tapered pretty quick on the fentanyl because I HATED IT!  It made me weepy, lethargic, and depressed.  I started at 75 mcg/48 then went down to 50, stayed there for about a month (made sure I kept my breakthrough meds at the same dose) then went down to 25.  Once I was there, my doc calculated the equivalent in oral opiate and I switched.  I felt mild withdrawal but nothing crazy.  But the oral she switched me to was oxy.  Oxy does something to my brain that makes me shudder even thinking about it now.  Of all the opiates I've taken, and I've taken them all- it was the only one that made me feel high.  It scared the crap out of me.  It's what made me realize I had a problem.  So I did a rapid taper getting me down to 100 mg oxy/nalextrone, and added 40 mg of hydro to balance it out (God even typing these numbers makes me cringe)  I jumped when I got there.
I was sick, really sick for 7 days.  But I took clonidine which REALLY helped (both during my taper and detox)  I also surrendered completely to the process.  I was able to do this because I had zero responsibility and total support from my family.  I got into after care immediately.  Within a month I felt pretty good and by 2 months i felt GREAT.  I began doing yoga 5 days a week and hiking every day.  I went back to work for the first time in 6 years.
I was in 90% LESS pain than I was on the opiates and that continued until 7 months ago.
As I'm sure you've read- long term opiate use creates MORE pain.  It takes awhile after being totally clean for our bodies and brains to adjust to normal so you can evaluate your pain.
My advice to you is this:
Try a different breakthrough pain med.  You 'like' the percocets too much.  I would switch to hydro, or morphine, something that is more pure and won't activate your addict brain as much.  A long acting form of these meds provides more constant pain relief and is less likely to be abused because you don't experience the euphoric high. I truly believe that oxycodone is the MOST addictive pain pill there is and you may find it easier to taper using something else.  Food for thought.
Be honest with your doctor and your family.  It is the best choice you will ever make, trust me.  You need and deserve support.  Remember you didn't CHOOSE to become addicted, but you CAN CHOOSE to get clean.
Then you can figure out what pain management plan works for you.
Have you thought about aftercare yet?  You can attend while you're tapering and this will give you another tool in your arsenal to battle the disease that is addiction.
You can do this!  Believe in yourself!
Lu

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Avatar universal
Thank you Lu for reaching out to us both...I can't tell how much that meant to me.  First let me say what an inspiration you are and I am so sorry to hear of everything you've been through...no one deserves that!  It makes me so happy to hear that you have been blessed with a second chance, love and everything that you deserve!!!  You will be in my prayers as you fight to stay within your current plan because you need the meds at this time...you can't live in pain!  Most of all, I pray that you are able to conceive once you've been through this next surgery...I've never met you but I can tell what a wonderful Mom you'd be!  My girls and husband are what makes me fight to get though this...it's because of them though that I have such guilt and feel like a failure.

I've certainly been given the chronic pain patient title.  My Pain a Doc has helped immensely.  I just want to know how I will feel being on nothing...how much pain do I really have?

The goal is get me off the Fentanyl first.  I was to go down by 12mcg this month...which would put me at 63mcg since I was originally at 75mcg.  But because I've gone through my Percocets again too fast, I've decided to stay at 75mcg but stretch it out to changing every 3 days instead of 2 like I'm prescribed...that's the only way I can do it with the patches I have.  I hope I'm making sense.  I have 20 Percs left until 7/24.  I'm going on a trip 7/18-7/21 and would like to have some available for then just in case.  It is so hard to not take a pill!  I'm so mad at myself for going through them like candy...why do I have to take them to feel normal???

How did you taper the Fentanyl may I ask?

Thank you for being there she sharing your story, feel free to PM me if you'd like...hugs to you!


Sara
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1926359 tn?1331588139
I should comment on your thread but I'm going to comment here instead.  Your situation is SOOOOOO similar to mine.  I had 3 surgeries over a period of four years and I have 4 painful chronic illnesses.  After my last surgery I ended up on Fentanyl because my tolerance had grown so high and my surgery (total pelvic reconstruction) was incredibly painful with long recovery time.  I had never run out of pills early before, I had always taken them responsibly.  But when my pain doctor switched me from hydro for break through pain to oxy I knew I was in trouble.  It gave me a buzz, and helped me to get through not just the physical pain I was going through, but the emotional as well.  After my last surgery my husband began to abuse me sexually.  He had been verbally abusing me for months, but I was so tired and felt so worthless and unloveable that I believed I deserved it.  My wake up call came when he would come home high and drunk two weeks after my surgery and force me to have sex with him.  This went on for a couple of months.  I developed walking pneumonia and my pain pill use increased.  I began going through scripts in record time.  Of course it was easy for me to justify this because I was post-op and had pneumonia.
It wasn't until one night when my husband came home and I locked myself in our guest room to get away from him that my reality check came.  I heard a voice inside my head that said "Get out.  Run.  Never look back.  If you stay here you are going to die."
So I barred the door with a dresser and waited for him to pass out.  I packed a small bag and called my dad, took my dog and left.  I never went back.  It took him four days to call me.  He didn't understand how I could leave him.

I wallowed for awhile, still heavily using until I had another wake up call.  I took too many breakthrough pills and combined with the benzos and sleeping pills my breathing almost stopped.  My mom found me and called an ambulance.  That was when I REALLY knew I was in trouble.

I started to taper.  I got off the fentanyl first.  My taper (as I mentioned above was miserable) I felt like death every day.  So after about 7 months I just gave in and jumped at 100 mg of oxy.
It was the best decision I have EVER made (other than leaving my d-bag husband)
I got myself into serious aftercare- not just for my addiction but for my PTSD from all the medical trauma and abuse.  I worked harder at my recovery than I have EVER worked at anything.  Fast forward 2 years and I owned my own lovely home, a business doing what I loved built from scratch, a whole new group of amazing and supportive friends, and finally- a man that loves, respects, and supports me 100%.

I chose life.  And I was rewarded.
7 months ago my stage 4 endometriosis returned with a vengeance.  I held off taking pain meds for as long as possible, until my doctor, family, boyfriend, and friends intervened (including my friends here on MH)  I realized I was doing more damage to myself suffering than I would taking pills.  So we set up a plan, I signed an opiate contract with my doctor, and put my boyfriend in charge of the pills.  I am still working on myself in aftercare and have stepped up the support to deal with the physical and emotional stress that comes with this terrible illness.  I am currently waiting surgery and will hopefully conceive soon after.
At this point I am just fighting to not slide backwards, to hold on to my business, and to take good care of myself.

I just wanted to share my story in hopes that you can see the power of choosing to get yourself back.  It is the most empowering thing that there is.  I wish this for both of you.
Lu
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Avatar universal
Hi Dee Dee, I'm Sara.  I just posted yesterday...my title was something like why do I go through my Percocets so fast?  Why am I not me anymore?  Where did I go?  I to often drive around and think the same thing...how can people get through life without pain meds?  It's been a battle for me for 4 years, 10 surgeries later and a legitimate need for the meds that has spun out of control.  I've been through w/d's before...last month I was so fed up I flushed 2 and a half weeks of Percocet.  I survived...stayed out of w/d cuz I'm on a Fentanyl patch too but I hate myself for getting my Percocet script again and here I am going through it way too fast!
I feel your pain and know what you are going through and want you to know I'm here.  I can't do the roller coaster anymore.  I need to stop the excuses...I want me back and my hubby and kids deserve that and so much more!  I can remember having 2 c-sections and never taking the pain meds after cuz I didn't want it in my breast milk...WOW...what happened to me?  I read my post back and I see a lot of "me"...that has to stop cuz I'm killing myself slowly and it's a miserable existence.  Where do I go from here?  Not sure.  All I know is I'm DONE.  Let's help each other.  Hugs to you and everyone who has replied and shared their stories...you are all such blessings!!!  Thank you for being there for us! xoxo
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Avatar universal
I kept them all in a little plastic bag in my pocket! Always on my person, morning noon and night!
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7282682 tn?1397237735
When I was using my purse was never away from me. Thats where my bottle of pills was. I would even take it to the bathroom with me at home! Now I dont even know where my purse is! Life is so much better. Granted it wasnt easy but doable. I took pills for 18 years. You have to learn different habits and ways of thinking. And I cant wait to post on your first 30 days clean :-)
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Avatar universal
actions speak louder than words! today is good as any to flush your pills. will be looking for them clean time post!  peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Avatar universal
  Oh my god, jifmoc is so right!!! This is such an incredible thread and I am sooooo glad I finally posted!! I just wish it would have been more like a year ago? Better late than never :)

  It is so cool how I feel like I have just met a ton of "me's". I mean, I know the vast majority are clean now, but we were all in the same place at one time or another. It is crazy how these little tiny pills can have so much control over us.

  Like the above posts, I have the same behaviors. You will rarely catch me in pants that don't have pockets in them, because I keep a few pills there. I keep some in a pill box in my purse. I set out my two for my morning dose right next to the coffee pot. So much of it too is habit or the ritual of taking it. As soon as I go to take one my mouth waters (it knows it has to since I usually pop them with out any drink) I always look at the clock when I take it so I know exactly when it should kick in, When that time passes and I don't even feel anything, that *****. That is most of the time because I can't really up my dose. I am already taking quite a bit. I guess I could take more, but no thanks.

  I hope I don't sound in anyway like I am glorifying any of this or that I cause anyone to have cravings, because that is the last thing I am trying to do. When it all comes down to it, this is just plain sad. And I am tired.

  You better believe I am going to keep posting!! You guys are stuck with me now!! Just wait until this time next year and you guys are posting about the clean time DeeDee718 has!

  Hugs and strength to you all :)
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Avatar universal
Hey, girl. Wow, what a great thread. You have gotten the most awesome advice/support: and each person has something new to add. I LOVE reading (like walktall's post) about the specific insane pill counting behaviors we used to do. (I did that airport thing too: kept them on me in case my luggage got lost!) I may be repeating myself, but did I mention I would go to the pharmacy EVERY DAY, and buy like 8, so I would not have them ALL in the house. I told the pharmacist I couldn't afford the whole script at once, oh brother. That was my highlight of the day; going to the pharmacy. Fun times, huh? Sheesh.

Fyi, for me the utter profound immovable self-disgust I had did it for me.  Since I always ran out of my script early, I had my connections, one of them was getting them from her felon boyfriend and when I found myself texting a felon to get pills on top of every other feeling,  Oh man. So so far removed from the life I know I was meant to have And that I had before I met these demon pills and that I can have again, but even better (so they tell me:)  I will say, I'm taking it for granted right now, but walking around feeling physically fine, doing whatever I want because I naturally feel physically normal. Wow. You can get there, too.

One more thing. my little pharmacy story was my attempt to control my using. I tried so many times to taper (and we addicts are creative!) but I bit the bullet and went c/t. I'm sure you've had plenty of "mini" detoxes along the way. Point is, if you can't taper, don't worry about it, and just keep posting!!!:)
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3048701 tn?1486130938
Hi DeeDee,

I think you've elicited so many replies because we can sympathize with your struggle.  Somehow, my recreational use of Norco exploded into a 5-year habit of 25 pills per day.  I'd take 4 pills as soon as I woke up, just to soothe the pangs of withdrawal.  What a miserable existence.  

I remember the stress of scoring my next supply.  When I'd go to the airport, I'd divide my pills between carry-on and checked luggage, just in case a bag got lost.  I remember a couple of lame attempts to quit, thinking I could just use the pills "occasionally."

Finally, the combination of anxiety, despair, guilt ... it pushed me to a breaking point, where my desire to get clean exceeded my fear of detox and quitting. I just did it.  It wasn't easy, and I still struggle with cravings all the time.

I pray that you come to that point of clarity, where you are so determined and driven .... (whether by faith in Him, or anger, or fear of the long term consequences of using) .... driven to that point where you decide that you are willing to do anything and everything in your power to get clean and stay clean.  

Godspeed, DeeDee.  We are all rooting and cheering for you!!
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1926359 tn?1331588139
I would go to your doctor, explain that you want to taper off the drugs, and ask for Clonidine.  This is a BP med commonly used in opiate detox.  I took it for 3 months while tapering.  Then when I got down to a reasonable dose (100 mg oxy, 40 mg hydro breakthrough) I went cold turkey.  I increased my clonidine dose (under dr supervision of course)  I had done a c/t in the past and this one was MUCH easier than the last, even though my opiate dosage was higher.  I still went through he** but it was manageable.
My advice would be to have someone else manage your meds and dole them out to you at appropriate intervals.  This way you won't be tempted to take more and mess up your taper.  Tapers only work if you go down, stay at certain level until you balance, then go down again.  If you go up- you mess with your taper.

FYI:
Tapering was miserable for me.  The physical symptoms were still there every day and I had a constant migraine headache that sent me to the ER on numerous occasions.  None of the migraine meds helped.  I finally got sick of it and jumped.  I never looked back and have never felt better about a decision I have made in my life.  I haven't had a migraine since.
After about a month I was in 90% LESS pain than I was on opiates.  I have 3 extremely painful chronic illnesses.  My pain was manageable with heat, yoga, and tylenol up until 7 months ago when I had a flare of my stage 4 endometriosis.  Now I am waiting for surgery and taking the bare minimum of opiates that I have to in order to function.
My boyfriend is in control of the pills.
I actually take less than what is being prescribed and try to deal with my pain with deep breathing, ,meditation, and rest (when I can)  The only time I need the pain meds is when I have to be active in any way.  Unfortunately, I have to be active a lot for my job.

I'm just saying- it is possible to be in recovery and take pain meds responsibly if you are an addict.  You just have to work your recovery with aftercare and have people you are accountable to.
I don't think I would be able to do this had I not done detox and a lot of work on myself and my recovery for the past 940 days.

I wish you well.
Lu
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Avatar universal
This is an amazing site, but it shouldn't surprise us, though it does. I mean, recovering addicts are some of the most genuine, caring, helpful people on earth. The more involved I have gotten in recovery, the more I realized how great addicts really are.

Cal/mag/zinc and potassium and Epsom salt baths as got as you can stand it helps with cramps and RLS. Try to go for walks, bike, swim or some form of exercise that gets your blood flowing really makes. Difference too. It is hard to exercise sometimes, but it really does help. I like sauna and massage too. EmergenC powdered drink has electrolytes, b vitamins, and lots of nutrients that help. It also made water to down easier for me. Keep drinking tons of fluids and don't look back. Keep us posted .
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Avatar universal
  Allison, I do have some doubts that I will be able to taper. I am going to give it a shot and if I can't do it then I will take them as I normally do and then go CT. I already take Gabapentin for my neuropathy and I have heard that can help a little with WD's. I don't know if it would help in my case though, since my body is already used to it. My worst symptoms when I WD are major RLS and fatigue/no energy. I already have Epsom salts I use for my neuropathy as well.

  I will update on how I am doing. Thanks again all of you. I can't believe how many of you have taken the time to read my (very long) post and to leave a comment. Amazing the support on here. Truly amazing :)
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