About a half hour ago i was at my friends house with my daughter, swimming with the kids there and just starting to have a good time when my cellie went off with a text...text from I a guy I call Jeff V. (can you guess what the V stands for?)
Jeff was just leaving he Rx and wanted to know if i'd like anything...my first response to him was, "no thanks, i'm taking a break right now." He text back it was cool and that was it.
No more than five minutes later I was calling him saying, "you know what, i'll just take ten...I can meet you at the RX." I told the father where I was that I would be back in 30 minutes, a friend needed a ride...came home to to change into some dry shorts and was ready to head out the door...then it hit me...WTF? What are you doing, you ten ain't gonna be it...went out back for a smoke, texted ole Jeff back that "I'm sorry for being wishy washy, iv'e been battling and just can't do that any more...I'm done with those..."
I have been 11 days off and had not ONE single craving in those 11 days, not ONE! And here I was about to go meet the guy at the Rx and just get ten...for now...but I didn't. Instead I called a dear friend of mine, my confidant in this whole f'ing mess and told her what had happened...she talked me down (I can't believe how wound up i got about this all of the sudden) and made me delete his number...THANK YOU to her, for sure! I smoked a couple more cigs (stopping those on Thursday) and came in to write this down for you all...hoping it will inspire the next temped druggie...going out to smoke one more and then back to the pool with a new perspective and respect for myself...(and a little shame for humilities sake).
That exact scenario is why aftercare is SO important. Situation are going to come up all the time to tempt you and unless you're truly prepared for it, it's going to be one difficult mind screw/battle after another.
Please don't misunderstand - I think it's wonderful that you said no. Just looking out for you for the next time! :)
Temptation blows....and so does the seriousness of sobriety, but its all part of it and we will overcome...I'm convinced!! Rush, you are hilarious 90% of the time, and deadly serious the other 10%, when it matters most, and that, my friend, makes me very proud of you. You said no, that tiny little word is so tough to say!!
Hug your beautiful daughter...dust yourself off...and together we all walk sober into another day.
You absolutely know how hard it is for me to EVER be serious with you, but I felt after reading your post, you deserved MY undivided "10%"....I really am proud of you,
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