addicted or not ?

[Rickyneedshelp]

I'm new here and would appreciate any feedback.  I really hope that all replies would be supportive and not mean and hurtful.  I'm 53 years old and have had a good , but hard life.  I have raised 2 children and supported my wife and kids very well , in my opinion , and my family has told me as well and fuly agree.   I worked in power generation plants  continuiously , for 30 years , other than various other very physical jobs prior to that.  I have worked very hard my whole life , never been unemployed , on unemployment , food stamps , or other support.  Which , please understand I would NEVER think negativly of anyone who has had to use those benefits.  It's hard to describe just how hard , both physically and mentally it is to work in power plants. I was injuried on the job in 2008 , I slipped in oil on the first injury and hurt my back very badly.  After 8 months of intensive rehab ( 8 hrs a day 4 days  a week ) at PRIDE , a very excellent rehab center located in Dallas,TX.  and a sucide attempt after the 1st month after my injury , which I spent a month in a mental hospital , because I am a very proud person with strong moral values and the shame I felt of not being able to be the excellent provider I was for my family , and the guilt and shame I felt for having a injury at my job , and what I imagined my coworkers thought of me , plus the finacial responsabillities that were mounting soo very fast. I was able to return to my job , although I never was fully recovered and HAD to take Hydrocodine 10/325  2 pills at a time every 6 to 8 hrs just to keep the pain bearable.  I was never pain free , but I was able to perform my duties and provide for my family. Very often I worked in excrusating pain , but never let anyone see me in pain in fear I would loose my job.  In power plants , the average age of the workers was 27 yrs old , with anyone over 45 being very rare.  I worked 12 hr rotating shifts , both days and nights , and averaged 1000 hrs o.t. each and every year. Most of the older people were in management / supervisor positions , which I could not do due to the nature of that type of position requiring the type of person I was not. I am not a low IQ person, but I am not a high IQ person either. I grew up in a poor neighborhood , and went to a high school that was not meant for high acheivers. I will admitt I was a " doper " in my younger days , I graduated in 1976 , so those days everone I associated with were dopers as well.  I have used every drug known to man , except Herion.  I'm not proud of that.  I overcame those things when I was 45 yrs old , mostly due to drug test that became mandatory at my job place.  From the time I was 40 , I only still used pot as my drug of choice. I still believe pot is not bad , of course not while at work or in the inappropreate situations and by no means is it ment for ever person.  I ( we ) have 2 grown kids that went to college , 1 that served in the Army with 3 tours in Iraq as a special forces paratrooper. Neither of my children have ever used drugs , thank GOD. They both have very good , high paying jobs , 1 @ a university in Boston , the other as a consultent with the armed forces , going to college at night to secure a job with the FBI.  I injured my back , again at the power plant , during a severe ice storm.  I slipped again on ice that was 3 inches thick everywhere, in 2010 , and again went to the same rehab facility. After 4 months in rehab  , with several proceedures of spinal injections , that did not work , and the Doctors negative views of spinal surgery , it was clear I would never be able to do the physically demanding job I had , I gave up. My wife is disabled , and has been from 1999 from being hit by a drunk driver and after having over 30 surgeries and 2 knee replacements , the first being so very badly botched by the Dr that she had to have the first knee replacement completly redone 1 year later and has 12 inch metal rods going both directions from the knee prostisis.  During the first knee replacement the DR stripped the coating off the nerve going down her leg to her foot , causing  RSD , a very painful disorder that causes her severe pain in her foot , as well as the pain she has in her knee.  She is , and has been on very strong narcotics since 2000 , and still lives in constant pain. She is on SS disability and gets $ 1K / mo.  I had to quit my job , and knew IF anyone would hire me , it would be for $ 6 - 8 / hr.  I was making $ 34 / hr at my job + tons of O.T.   So , we sold everything we owned , down to the dishes , and started traveling the world.  I cashed in my
401 K 's with the thought that when the money ran out , we would just " end it ".  My wifes pain management DR in Texas just up and dropped her after over 8 years of caring for her , and after he inplanted a Dylatid pump in her abdomin pumping the drug directly into her spine for pain. The reason he gave her was he did not accept CASH paying patients. He did this outta the blue with no warning , after we flew from Panama ( the central American Country ) where we now live , because it's so cheap to live here. So now the only option we have is to buy the meds we need off the streets in TX when we visit every 3 months cause we have to leave every 3 mo cause of the visa thing..  They dont have the meds here in Panama that we need.  For the longest time I was getting by just using some of her meds. My back pain is severe , and after 6 hrs at best I am in so much back pain I think of ending it. My question is , am I a addict or not.  Some days I can go 8 - 10 hrs without pain meds.  And when we were in certin countrys with warm climates , like ST, Thoamas , I went days without needing any meds.  I have been taking Hydrocodine 10/325 for years , only as needed , I never get a BUZZ , it just makes the pain torable.  Please help me understand. I have seen a DR here in Panama and he wants to do surgery , but I'm scared.  IF the surgery dosent fix my problem , it could make it worse than it all ready is , and could leave me where I couldn't function at all.  He gives me Morphine 15 mg now , but says if I don't let him do the surgery $ 15,000.00 , he will not continue to write me the RX.  I don't have insurance

[Rickyneedshelp]

http://www.spineuniverse.com/conditions/chronic-pain

[Rickyneedshelp]

Thanks to everone here , I hope everyone finds a way out of their pain.  It's a huge problem that I don't understand why DR's can't seem to fix , OR , are they just " MILKING IT ? "

[Rickyneedshelp]

Thank you for your advice and heart felt responce. I'm so very sorry to hear about your Dad , my prayers go out for yall ( you all , sorry it's a Texas thing ... LOL ) , My Mom-in-law ( 93 yrs old ) just fell and broke her hip.  She is in rehab now and doing better than I ever have , she's a tough old broad. People of that age just seem to be tougher than people of my generation , I guess growing up on a farm during the depression , like my folks did , made them tougher than I could ever be.  My mom and dad were plowing a 1/2 acre garden in their 70 ' s , up at the crack of dawn and in bed at 8 pm ( right after Larance Welk s ) LOL. I have started the WC process, I called and of course , had to leave a message , that NO one replied to , which is normal.  It takes about 4 calls , with leaving a begging message for them to call me back , it's a shame that they make me beg for help , and when and if they call back ( from previous experience ) , they are as hateful as can be.  AND YES , I have had the thought about an attorney , BUT , everyone I talked to at rehab said it is very costly and almost impossible to get anything done because the way WC laws are in Texas , due to the changes in the law back in 2000 , but I gotta try something , I'm desperate.

[marycarmel]

Do you or have you ever had a worker's comp lawyer?  I don't know the WC law in Texas but in MA (I think this still holds true) they cannot discontinue your medical care even if they cut you off financially.  I know WC can delay things but if you can get an attorney, you may have a little more leverage.

I just want to mention that often narcotics increase our pain.  When I started tapering down, my pain got worse.  I will always have pain in my joint and RSD pain, but I've found it more manageable on a lower dose (though some days are better than others!)

You may get some information on the Pain Management forum here as well.  I hope you can find a solution.  I empathize with your back pain ... my dad is in terrible pain after a fall on Valentine's Day and it's getting worse rather than better.  And at 84 not sure surgery is a smart route.

[Rickyneedshelp]

Thank you MC , I appreciate your feed back.  I think the advice I have recievied here is a excellent start.  Prior to my trip back to Texas soon I plan to speak with Workers comp and see if there are any suggestions they could offer.  One problem I have is that I would have to stay in Texas for a unknown amount of time to go through the process on any option I may have. We all know how slow the wheels turn with workers comp and DR's as well.  I'm not sure if I could ever get insurance because of a pre-existing condition.  I'm really in a tough spot.  I pray for each and every person on this site , I know how bad pain can be , and the need for pain relief and the fear of addiction and dependence is frightning.

[marycarmel]

I agree with Vicki.  I had a huge mental struggle thinking was I addicted or dependent.  With some help from some very smart people here and a brilliant NP friend at home, I realized I am not an addict.  I have found myself in withdrawals due to underlying illness and I have an abnormal fear of them.  I don't think any of us that need these meds daily want to be on them.  I know I don't.  I have managed to taper down to a fairly low amount and am happy with where I am now.

Can you apply for state-aid health insurance?  And I agree with getting a second opinion regarding surgery.  

Good luck and keep us posted.  There is also a Pain Management Forum here on Med Help that you may find some suggestions or more support.  They're a great group.

[vicki595]

Ricky- There's a huge difference between addiction and dependence. You are dependent on the pain meds. You would have withdrawal symptoms if  you were to stop taking them but that does not make you an addict.

I know you must be very concerned here. How about getting a second opinion about the surgery the next time you're in Texas? It would be a start. Also, the idea of asking the current doctor for some alternative therapies along with a six month re evaluation is excellent.

You've done some pretty courageous things...you should be proud!

[Rickyneedshelp]

Thank you so very much. Hugs to you too.  I really do have severe back pain , BUT , I surely do not want to become addicted.  Can a person become addicted if they have true pain issues ?  I know thats a silly question , but my back is only getting worse , causing me to need more pain reliefers more often , or is that a sign of addiction ? Because from what I've read the longer you use the more you need to get the same effect.  The " Effect " I get is it makes my back pain tolarable.  Like I said before , I NEVER got a " Buzz " from them , the only thing I can say is that when I started taking them for the first time , I would get the nose itches something terrible.  But that stopped happening after the first couple months and has never happened since. Thank you for your advice and comforting words , I cannot thank yall enough.  I guess I'm a little scared about my situation.

[Rickyneedshelp]

Thank you and God bless you.  I'm taking  6 - 10   15 mg of morphine , or supplementing those with  6 -8   10/325  Hydrocodine ( that I had to buy off the street in TX ) a day.  I try my very best to make them last as long as I can , often I am in severe pain from my back atfter 6 hrs , sometimes 4 hrs, but I grit my teeth , pull my knees up to my chest and hold them there , do leg lifts , yoga that I learned in rehab , all while laying on a heating pad , trying my very best to hold out as long as I can without taking any meds. The back pain is unbearable  I really worry about addiction , I've been taking these for over 4 years , the first 3 yrs under a DR's care , untill I gave up all hope and quit my job cause I knew I couldn't do that type of work any longer. Some days are better than others , but the back pain is always there.  I am really worried about addiction.  When the meds wear off , it's always the gripping back pain that starts in on me , not the withdrawl pains described in these post.  Still , it scares me.  To be perfectly honest , if I run out of meds , life just aint worth living , not because of not having the meds , but because of the back pain.  I truly wish I NEVER had to take another pill in my life , but more than that , I wish I could find someone to fix my back.  I feel SO sorry for anyone who has an addiction to pain pills.  I too did drugs for fun in my youth , got hooked on meth , but saw where it was going and got totally clean from that and never looked back and proud I did.  Now , pain med addiction is big in the news , and I really fear that the people who REALLY need the meds soon will not be able to get them , which is really sad for people like my wife , who IS TRULY a severe pain person. I have several friends who had back surgery and 4 outta 6 who had it were much worse off after the surgery , you just never know , it could have been the DR's fault , or just the persons situation.  I know for a fact , some people's bodys just don't respond or heal as others do.  I had a Verticle Gastric Sleeve surgery in 2010 to loose weight ( 380 #'s now I'm 150 # ) to try to help my back problems.  Everyone I talked to or read their post on the surgery said after 6 months , a year at most my life would be back to normal.  Well I had the surgery in April 2010 and I still cant eat anything without getting very sick to my stomach , nothing , and I mean even a couple table spoons. I 'm only still alive because I drink , rather sip on those protien drinks as often as my stomach lets me.  They stuck scopes up and down both ends 6 months after my surgery to see why I was having so much problems , but said they say nothing.  But here I am , still loosing weight every day , struggling to slow it down.  Ever see the movie byStephen King " THINNER " ? Yep , thats me.  Sorry for the rant , I just need to vent.   Thanks

[Rickyneedshelp]

Thank you and God Bless

[Bkitty]

Hi and Welcome!! You are a very accomplished man!! You raised a family and have been very successful. Im sorry that you got in the position you are in now,,but it sounds like you are adjusting. You should be proud of yourself. OK,,I feel you have very legit pain issues and maybe some depression steming from that. Your miserabl,,you are hurting all over,,it takes a toll on ya after a while. You are not an addict,,you are just trying to survive right now. Thats normal and thats OK. You need a doctor down there as soon as possible,,try another one if this one isnt willing to budge on the surgery thing or stand your ground with him and say you would like to try some non invasive options first,,like for 6 months and then be revaluated. I hope this helps some,,there is also a pain management forum,,they may have some more suggestions as well for ya!! I wish you all the best and sending ((hugs))~Bkitty

[forgottensick]

Wow, I can relate to your situation in more ways than you might think. I had the surgeries and feel better but am now in different kind of pain from other issues that arrose from having parts of my back and neck fused. I suggest finding a good pain doctor that will work with you without getting you over hooked on pain meds. I have 1 doctor that changed my pain meds every 3 months and made me clean out for 30 days every 4th month. That worked the best for me and kept me from getting adicted to any one drug. Detox and withdrawls really suck. In my opinion, you are not an addict because you take pain meds for real pain and medical issues. But you do need to find a good doctor to help you keep it under control to you don`t become a drug addict. Buying your meds off the street can very easily make you end up in prison where you won`t get any help. So be careful. I`m sure somebody else will come on here and give you some good ideas and info as well. You have come to the right place and this is a good start.