advice and words of wisdom, please

hello everyone.

i have stumbled across this website whilst frantically searching google for some source of light in my currently very black world. i am addicted to nurofen plus and have been for quite a few years now. i managed to kick it for several months 3 years ago. Unfortunately i got attacked by a gentleman, and this resulted in a broken wrist. even worse luck, the night of that last operation to fix it, i fell over and, trying to prevent another injury to my wrist, fell hard on the other wrist and broke it badly with an impacted break. this should've been operated on but it wasn't. it healed in the wrong position. this led to a year of agony, and an immediate return to my nurofen plus addiction. now, here i am, addiction spiralling out of control once again. i had managed to taper down to just 15 a day in august, but now it's back up to terrifying levels and i seem to have lost all ability to limit my use. it has already given me ulcers, so i know that i am damaging myself. but i can't stop. worse, i don't want to stop. if i did want to, then i would be able. i suppose outwardly i am successful but inside, not so successful. many mornings i wake up wishing i hadn't. i can't get myself out of this hole and i just don't know what to do any longer. :(

[GACarol]

Wow, you have really had a tough run of bad luck. I am so sorry for your pain and what you have been through. You are funny, like me calling a person that attacked you a "gentleman". I would probably refer to him the same. It's just our nature : )
Do you get your meds from a doctor or other sources. The reason I ask is that I always think the best method is to speak with your doctor and let them help you but I know some of us don't get them that route. You need someone's help though and this forum is also a good place to start.
Sunday mornings are slow but the regulars will be on here soon so keep checking back for some replies. I only wanted you to know that I noticed you say you don't want to stop but by coming here and reaching out for support I think you just might want to.
Good luck and I'm rooting for you!

[Dav125]

Living the lie does get old,,doesn't it? Pretending everything is great for the world to see, but struggling inside with keeping that perception shored up?  Its and "enough " moment that has to take place for you..An "enough " moment and you do something about it. A counselor, a threrapist, a meeting, a something to get the ball rolling in the direction you truly want to go...I don't know of any other way to describe what needs to take place inside or what might work for you..I just know I had an "enough" moment....

[desolateangel]

sososo, I am going slowly insane. I can't keep this up but I also can't stop it. Why can't I stop, because I don't really want too. But I do want too. just not enough, it seems. I know I have the strength to just stop, but at the moment my strength seems to be bent on continuing my descent into a place of no return.

I just don't know what to do any longer. I don't know how to get myself through this.

:(

[Dav125]

I'm not one that normally suggests this , and I am not sure if this is appropriate for codeine addiction, but you sound like the perfect candidate for who suboxone was designed for..One thing is for sure, your body is not going to tolerate injesting as much Ibprophen as you are for very long t..If ulsers are already showing up, you very well could be in the danger zone now..

You need to get with a Doctor and discuss options..

[desolateangel]

grrrrrrrrrrr - just typed out a long reply and the computer seems to have eaten it. very annoying.

so, suboxone - i don't want to swap one pill for another. i want to be free and clean. as for doctor, what about medical records and work? i am concerned about having addiction on my medical record in respect of work. when i joined the company i worked for they asked for full medical history for health insurance.

i don't want to be in this awful place anymore, constantly battling, on the edge. i can't do this any longer.

i am scared. i am alone. i want someone to come and rescue me, help me.

but.

i am scared. i am alone. i will always be alone. the only person that can help me is myself. the only person i need is me.

but what if i can't do this? but i can. i did it before. i have to do this. but i am scared.

i wonder if CT is the best way to go, especially as tapering does not seem to be working this time.

i am just in such a bad place and i feel no hope.

:'(

[sudie58]

hi, i really do feel your pain, having been a codeine addict myself, its not just the codeine in the neurofen plus , its what the paracetamol, (acetaminophen) is doing to your insides, its no wonder you have an ulcer, i did my detox cold turkey, its pretty awful, but can be done, you can get off these things, god bless ,    sudie

[sudie58]

i see your from the uk, as i am, they dont give suboxone for this normaly here, i tried many withdrawals before getting clean and was never offered it, or anything else really, just the choice to taper off, it is an otc drug , so perhaps your dr. can advise you, keep posting .

[desolateangel]

thanks your reply.

i want to try cold turkey. scared. dont know if am strong enough. gotta try tho. something's gotta give, and i don't want it to be my body.

so, just have to see how it goes. guess will start to feel it tomo. not sure how this is gonna go with keeping on top of everything at work. still, i always like a challenge.

i would imagine the support and advice of people on here who have gone through same thing will be pretty crucial for me - just knowing that people have gone through the detox and come out the other side will help!

goodness, i am rather petrified. still nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[IBKleen]

Did someone suggest Suboxone? Are you serious?????????????

Please, please do your research on this before you embark on yet another addictive substance. Too many people jump on Suboxone not knowing what they are in for. Suboxone is NOT a magic pill and should be taken unless you are planning on doing THE ENTIRE PROGRAM.

Also, if you are even considering it, speak with members who have completed the program successfully.

I wish you the best and please, please be very careful about the advise you take from strangers on the internet, especially when they don't have a clue as to what it is about since they have not completed the program themselves. Be responsible about your choices. Do the research and see if it is appropriate for you and speak with professionals.

[sudie58]

please listen to IBKleen, she knows what shes talking about, i dont think youd get it in the uk anyway, but in all honesty, cold turkey is your best bet really, i would ask your dr. for good advice , its the codeine in the pills your addicted to mainly, there is 8 mg in each pill, and 200mg of paracetomol,(acetaminophen, think its called that in US.)

[perch101]

Hi, nurofen plus has 12.8 mg of codeine and 200mg of ibuprofen - its the codiene thats addictive and the ibuprofen that is so bad when taken in large quantities (stomach ulcers, scar tissue building up in stomach, platelelts in your blood becoming dangerously high amoungst others)

I have battled pain pill addiction - nurofen plus abuse was one of these.

I just wanted to give you some words of encouragement of what happened when I went cold turkey - YES the first 5  days are HARD.  Days 2 and 3 were the worst for me. You'll feel like you have a really bad flu, resless legs, the runs (immodium will help that) HOWERVER - after about a week you'll feel really great!! You'll have evergy again - you wont have stomach pain that the nurofen causes, no more low grade constant nausea - you will LOOK a lot better, and no more time consuming having to collect the N+ and worrry about people finding out or the pharmacist asking awkward questions........you'll probably think like I did - "I should have done this ages ago!!'

Tapering didn't work for me also - in fact it rarely does work for addicts. And in a way it just prolongs w/d.

You can do this and your life will be better!!

Good luck,
Perch

[sudie58]

you are right perch, its neurofen in them not paracetomol , but as you say , will still damage your stomache, and i also think cold turkey is the best way, you can do it desolate, god bless , sudie

[desolateangel]

thank you everyone for your replies, but mainly perch101. can you tell me a bit more about your experiences? of course i completely understand if you prefer not too, but i need something to focus or grab on too.

i've taken my last tablets for today. i note days 2 and 3 could be the hardest, so bearing in mind the exceptionally demanding nature of my job, i wonder if i would be best to stop on thursday so i won't have to work for the worst days.; then again, i'm concerned that i'm just trying to deceive myself and that if i continue taking until thursday, i'll just come up with another excuse on thursday as to why i shouldn't stop then.

can anyone offer advice on this? my job is seriously demanding and involves very long hours and being constantly on the ball. i suppose i could kick off tomorrow armed with loperamide (sp?) and a smile?

[sudie58]

i honestly think its best to be as prepared as you can be for a cold turkey withdrawal, so maybe that would be when youve got time off work,  make sure you have all the things tht can help , such as some imodium (immodium) for any stomache troubles, some valerion root, for relaxation, drink plenty of fluids,so you dont dehydrate, and to flush you out, take hot baths with epsom salts , you can do this, best wishes, sudie

[desolateangel]

i have plenty of immodium, always drink heaps of fluids (and not just alcyhol.......;) ) and will get some valerian root and epsom salts.

am just gonna see how i go, tho am fully prepared for rushing to a pharmacy first thing tomo so i can get through the day. still, i may surprise myself. hmmmmmmm

[Dav125]

Look at it this way..Your going to be irritable and very moody for the next week..Energy will be down and you won't have much to smile about..But in a weeks time, a smile will start to break thru..

You can do this..You just haven't gotten there yet to reflect,,,but you can do it..

[laurel453]

take also a magnesium+calcium suplemment ( it will help' with RLS at nights ) ...plus eat potasium rich food or take a potasium suplemment.  Melatonin is a natural sleep inducer plus the valerian root ...valerian will help with anxiety during the days too.

and a good vitamin complex plus vitamin B's  ...Read the thomas recipe and the amino acid protocol on the health pages ( right side of the screen )

Good luck :)

[freenikita]

what I fear is for you to get in trouble at work as you go through withdrawal. best would be to take time off (i understand this may not be an option) but as far as I know, a detox is a little easier if one can go to an unfamiliar place and can dedicate time to physical activities, good foods, herbal teas, hot baths... (that is the ideal) now if i were you and if i couldnt take this time off, i would wait for the week-end to begin detox. i dont think going through the tough period of detoxing while at work is wise especially as it sounds like this job of yours is quite demanding and your position has many responsibilities. i dont about everybody else but i was not able to do much while detoxing... especially if it had entailed taking heavy duty responsibilities. how about some sick days? better being sick than fired? anyway, sounds like ur question is a genuine one and that it is not another excuse. sounds like you are committed and if u decide to wait until thursday take the time to organize your detox as you commit to a new chapter of your life. very best to you
nikita

[desolateangel]

well, i took usual dose today, but been feeling really not good. part physical but i think is also being driven by psychological desire to finally battle my demons and be free. so, tomorrow, gotta give it a shot. if it gets too rough, will have to work from home instead of the office. i've got a cold so that kinda makes it more believable. mind you, i never ever take sick days unless i'm genuinely sick and unable to work so will be tough to take a sick day when it's through self-inflicted behaviour. :( still, i've got to try and do this now, before i find a reason to change my mind. tho, i must admit, i was happy this morning, finally, because i feel like i've finally committed to do this.

i've bought some valerian to help with the sleeping - will get some melatonin as well. i recall when i tried cold turkey before (unsuccessfully - but was on probably double, if not triple dose of what i'm doing now) i was doing ok until i hit restless leg on the 2nd night. that was it for me - couldn't cope with that. the only reason i want to be woken up during the night is if it's a work emergency, and not because of a jumpy leg! will have a look at the thomas thingy to see what that says.

hanyways, the physical side of things, horrible as it will be, will not be where i fail. the mental side will be my downfall. i strongly believe that i can do anything when / if i put my mind to it. this could work very well for me, but on the other hand, unless i absolutely, definitely want to quit, it's going to work hard against me. i have a self-destruct streak a mile wide, that widens when i am under pressure and stress. life is particularly tough at the moment, which is how i've ended up with spiraling addiction to the pills again. luckily, i have thus far been able to control alcohol and other substances, and haven't resorted to benzos, which i have done before.

so, tomorrow, bright new start. hah! i wish.

but it will be a start.

i have no idea how i am going to do this without defeating myself. still, i've conquered my destructive side before and i CAN do it again. i just have to keep telling myself that.

:s

[Dav125]

Ok! You are tapping into the "enough" moment I spoke of early in this post.. Use that disgust of the h*ll this pill use has put you thru including the ill feelings it has had you living while using. Your gaining your resolve..

It hurt you. Tell them to take a hike and make it happen...:)  Your gaining fast! Keep it going!

[sudie58]

i just wanted to say i think you have made the right decision, and my thoughts are with you, i did my withdrawal cold turkey, and you can do it, you can be free of these rotten pills, make sure you drink plenty of fluids, take care,   sudie

[laurel453]

Yes, you CAN do it, desolateangel... the self destructive side is inside all of us here but we can beat it too, there are few things more autodestructive than addiction, we have spent years beating and hurting ourselves but breaking this vicious cycle is possible with some work from our part. Don't wait and find some kind of therapy, addiction counseling or na meetings. you will learn tools to deal with your demons and to deal with life :)

As for now, i see you are in the UK so you can't buy hylands restful legs there, i think. I couldn't either but the mineral suplemments helps with RLS, take a hot bath before going to bed, eat as much potasium rich food as you can ( potasium helps with those muscle aches ) like bananas and drink tonic water ( the quinine on it helps too ) . The RLS is really annoying, isn't it ? But those advices help with it, good luck :)

[desolateangel]

so, failed miserably in having a pill free day. however, the intake was half what it usually is, so that's something. i also remembered life before i started down this particular path, which reminded me that life without pills is possible. that was quite a revelation. so, i am generally positive at the moment. am still aiming to start ct on thursday, so will hit the worst part over the weekend so work won't be effected (i hope).

[sudie58]

you can do this, your getting prepared and that helps, get the stuff that will help, and remember the advice, stay positive and keep posting, god bless,

[desolateangel]

thank you, really appreciate your replies and support.

being on this site has made such a tremendous difference. and one of the reasons that i now have more belief that i will get through this is that i first posted about a month ago, but then kept avoiding coming back here, as i just didn't want to and wasn't ready to face things. now, now i can't wait to get back here and keep reading how people have succeeded in getting over their addictions. this gives me the greatest hope that i have had in a while.

[sudie58]

good, hope can do a lot, we all need it, it does help to read other folks stories, its how i managed to stop, and now im 80 days clean, it will be so good for you to be free of the pills, take what help you can, we are here for you,

[desolateangel]

:(
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
uselessuselessuselessuselessuseless
:'(

[sudie58]

oh dear!

[desolateangel]

hmmmm.
fighting.

[perch101]

Hiya,

I've been off medhelp for a bit (computer probs) but came here to see hoew your doing, I see you wanted more info with my experiences comming off the N+, sure I don't mind shaing whatever will help you....... it's other people sharing with me that helped get me clean.

I just want to reiterate though.... when the c/t symptoms are over, you will be happier overall - how you feel, how you look - trust me - when your taking he N+ its like all your emotions are kind of evened out / dulled down by the codeine buzz..... when you get clean and they come back you feel really really good for a while as they kind of come back magnified, you feel almost maically happy, and emotional but in a good positive way.... hard to expalin and I don't know if I'm doing a good job but you'll see!

And you know that slight nausea, maliase, 'seedy feeling' that the nurofen brings  - its amazing when that goes, you can't believe how physically good you feel - and people will comment on how good you look - right now your body functions (liver kindneys etc) are frantically working to clear N+ from your body, when it no longer has to your eyes, skin, even face shape (N+ causes bloat from the nurofen) look 150% better, people kept asking me if I'd been to the spa or doing a new beauty regime or somehting? Lol. Also, no more heartburn, stomach pain etc.

Also, I've always been about 55kgs (I see your in uk - I think that's about 8 stones) and very slim - at the end of using the N+ I put on  about 8 kilos........ I hated it ........clothes were getting too tight --  turnes out the codeine slows your metablism down and when you abuse it it slows right right down.(and the constipation!)  After about 3 weeks off it it started to come off, and very quickly I was back to 55 and much happier :-)

The thing is - you will only see these good changes about 4 - 5 days of being totally N+ free.

It would be ideal if you could get a few days off work....... I know how you feel about work not finding out, I work in healthcare (nurse in IVF) and couldn't be in w/d at work, could you say you had gastro - say somone in your family had it - then if you take a wed thurs fri off then you'd have the weekend too, you'd be over the worst of it.

I'm happy to tell you anyting else you want to know, just ask!!

Best of luck to you!

Perch