advice please

Question

hi. im a 14 year old guy and i suspect my dad is doing drugs. you see, when i was seven, my mom overdosed on cocaine. my dad was also on coke but did not pass. i pent seven years in foster care. my dad finally got clean and got me back and has been clean six years and used to attend n.a. meetings for ex-drug users. anyways, he recently found a girlfriend but she is in jail at the moment. he has been acting VERY odd lately locking the doors in our house and coming home late from work. and today, he came home from work an hour late. he emptied his pokets to give me lunch money for tomorrow, and a little ziploc bag fell out with what looked like weed in it. he quickly put it back up and denied dropping anything out of his pocket. and the other night, he said he was going to ge cigarettes and showed up two hours later with only a bottle of dr. pepper. i know that weed is probably 'no big deal' to some folks, but me, i know alot about it. it gets you involved with all kinds of other drugs. I just dont know what to do. I make all A's and B's at school and am currently involved in J.R.O.T.C. I dont know if he is using but if he is, i dont know why he started again when so much is going on in my life. i called my uncle, who lives far away in ft landridale florida, and he said he cant get ahold of my dad to talk to him. i told him everything thats been going on lately. he said it sounds like my dad could be using drugs. if i do find out my dad is using, i need to find a friend to take me i and hide all my valuables so my dad wont sell them for money. I just have soo much stuff i would have to move if i did go away. my school has uniform so a big bag of clothes my rotc uniform, my ps3(all my entertainment). It it only three things but they come in large quantities. I cannot and willnot go to foster care again. I will live as a bum on the streets instead of that because it is a hell hole in there. I just want advice, thats all.

mellie4 · Answer

Like everyone else, I am so sorry you're dealing with this!  You sound like a great kid.  I wouldn't want to go back to foster care either.  Is there a family member you could stay with until your dad gets to a better place?  A friend?  You can't live on the streets!!!  That's out of the question.  It's not safe.  What about your uncle in Florida?  Could you stay with him?

I am sure your dad loves you very much and is proud of you.  Addiction has no boundaries; it affects every demographic, rich, poor, educated, illiterate.  It's a shame we, as a country, don't have better options for addicts.

You remind me of my kids.  Their dad is a bad alcoholic who often throws pills in the mix.  He loves is his kids but isn't there for them.  They can't count on him because the booze and drugs always come first.  It hurt them a lot, but now they all seem to understand it better.  And it has made them stay far away from drinking and drugs.  You should be very proud of yourself for staying away from all that and doing well in school, despite what you've been through.

Check with your extended family to see if there's someone you can stay with while your dad gets things under control.  You don't need the burden of witnessing him going through this.  You need to focus on you!!!

usas1245 · Answer

thank you for your advice. but i woldnt show him my thread in fear he would get even mad.

usas1245 · Answer

thank you for your advice. i really apprieciate it.

donewitis · Answer

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through all that you have... You sound so mature for 14 yo. Your Dad has to be proud of you. Like the other's said above; this has nothing to do with you, in the sense that you have done nothing wrong. Addiction is baffling. I think it would be appropriate for you to ask him to go to a meeting. Sometimes it's hard to speak what's on your mind or what you suspect..so if that's the case..maybe let him read what you have written, your questions..it might be a wake up call for him..at least it will let him know your fear/worry.

CATUF · Answer

hey there.  i am the father of four great kids.  i started using when the oldest was 7 and wasn't able to quit until he was almost 17.  he's now 23 and, along with his brother and sisters, is proud that his dad has been clean and sober for 6+ years.

you questioned  "why he started again when so much is going on in my life."  one thing you must realize is that his using (if he is) has nothing to do with you.  you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.

you sound like a good and well centered kid.  your dad is no doubt proud of you and wants nothing but good things for you.  but if he is in active addiction, he's in the grips of a disease that's bigger than he is.  

keep taking good care of yourself and turn to adults you trust for help and advice.  check out the site http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ -- there will be a lot of folks there who understand EXACTLY what you're going through, including kids your age.

you're going to be ok.  you already know that from your rotc training -- this is a hard thing you're going through right now, but it won't be this way forever.  if you let it, this rough period can be a thing that increases your strength and builds your character, all while it make you a more understanding and caring person.

CATUF

jt877 · Answer

Hi honey, im so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. It sounds like your dad has a lot going on, and yes, he has a problem. Drug addiction is a disease, and if he is "using" he needs help. However, its so important for you to understand that he does not want to do this to you, he is sick. I am a mother of two children, my daughter is 16 and my son is 1. I love them more then life itself, and when I became addicted to painkillers (after an injury), i had no self control! The drugs felt like they controlled me. I know it may feel like he  doesn't care about what happens to you, but im sure thats not the case. It sounds like you are a great kid, however living on the streets is not the answer...You must talk to someone you can trust,like a friend from school,or a teacher. Try talking to your father too. He may not be willing to admit he has a problem, but ask him to go to a meeting anyway. I wish you all the best, and I will pray for you and your father.