am I a bad mom???

I need a lot of help with this.......I feel like a great mother to my two children 12, and 5. My husband is a vicoden addict and has been taking pills on and off for about 5 yrs(4 surgeries) i know he has legitmate pain and I also know he LOVES his pills!!!! I guess a person just starts to accept things when they cant change them huh??? I am 2 wks new to this site and I have vented here a few times last week!!!(thanks to all who responded to me) That let me know that my husband does love me and the kids but cant help himself!!! I take it soooooo personal and thats my biggest problem!!! I know I will most likely be lied to again about pills and I hate it.......but I am not ready to leave him and spilt apart my family!!! I am a dummy I know, but I think about it all........he dosent take our money, he goes to work, he is very involved in the kids and he is not a bad husband!!! he loves his family and i know that by his actions. I guess I feel like I am making excuses and I probably are but so be it!!! I have begged, cried, threatned and I cant help him. two yrs ago I left him alone about the pills and he finally came to me and said I need help!!! he asked me to drive him to rehab and he stayed for 2 wks and checked out!!! I attend alanon sometimes and it teaches me to worry about me and as long as my kids or myself are not in danger.........let him be!!!! but I am a control freak and I want it my way and for him to be clean!!!! I will continue my alanon meetings and work on myself for now and not focus soooooo much and obsess on what he doing and look for the pills like a loony!!! Only time will tell what my future holds and I need to stop making myself sick over his addicton and let him figure it out!!! He is suffering and he needs to wake up!!! NOTHING I SAY OR DO WILL CHANGE HIM!!!!!! I have tried for many yrs and all that happens then Is I cry and he lies!!!! Does this make me crazy or a bad mom?????? MY KIDS ARE MY LIFE........why do I feel sooo guilty if he is not hurting them directly????

[Savas]

Well... they are right, he's responsible for his addiction, you aren't. That's easier said than accepted though. Try not to put it in terms of it's a personal affront against you. Are you thinking along the lines "His family should be enough for him, he doesn't need the pills."?
     You've made this a sticking point in your relationship and that's never wise. Drawing battle lines in the ground means, by definition, you're at war. Not a good place to be in a family situation!

I'm not dealing with his addiction, by the way. You've stated this as an issue of your coping with something he's doing. You actually have a better chance of him stopping if you leave him alone about it. Pressure from loved ones rarely makes an addict stop. You've stated how you feel, now it's up to him to take action.

[VOsRose]

It is such a hard situation to watch someone you love struggling with an addiction.  I am addict.  My husband is not.  He has watched me and supported me.  I am clean now, with his help and support.  But I recently relapsed, after promising him I would never take another pill without coming to him first.  He helped me wean off and get clean.  However, the trust was broken a bit...I did
EVENTUALLY come to him, but not until after I had been taking them for a month.  I'll never forget when he told me that he was disappointed, but not nearly as disappointed as I was with myself.  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me, "I don't want to be sitting in a Dr.'s office listening to bad test results, Rosie."  That pretty much did it for me.  To realize what I was doing to this sweet man who loves me so unconditionally.  His first wife died of liver failure due to an auto-immune disorder (nothing to do with drugs).  He is well aware of what drugs can do to your liver and it terrifies him.  They had only been married for two years...no children.  They had just gotten married when she was diagnosed.  Their entire marriage consisted of hospital stays and bad test results.

I am sorry for you pain.  I'm sorry for the pain I've caused the people who love me and I love.  I am sorry for being an addicted mother to my precious little girl (who was 4 when I started using and is now going to be 16 in Novmber.)  

Please don't think that by staying with and loving your husband makes you a bad mother in any way.  As long as he is a good husband, good father and a loving member of your family, staying with his is the best thing you can do.  When he finally makes up his mind (and hopefully he will...we all seem to at some point) he is going to need you and need to know that you will be beside him.  It's a long and scary road to sobriety.  The withdrawal from the drugs is the easiest part of all.  It's the hell that comes after - the mental games, the anxiety, the cravings that are hideous.  

For now, as long as you and your children are safe, love him.  Try not to confront him unless it's in an absolutely non-judgmental way and from a standpoint only of concern and love for him.  I'll keep you in my prayers.  Please do the same for my sweet husband and daughter.

Best to you.

Rosie

[reagan2]

I think you feel guilty because anything and everything he does effects tth family. I am in your exact situation. Except the money my husband spens on the pills does take alot away from our family. No your not a bad mother . We love our children and dont wont anything to hurt them but the in a big way it really does. Its hard though because you get stressed out about the situation and when you get upset about it the kids know that. I also left him , got back together, did the rehab thing. And it seems to be going downhill all the time. just hang in there dont let it control your life as well as it does his. Im not that good at giving advice just wanted to let you know there is another mother that feels your pain.

crystal

[Tammers10]

thank you, your right about him wanting me to leave him alone about the pills.........I think my nagging makes everything 100 times worse.......I relate to my husbands addicton to my eating disorder that I struggled with for yrs......I have been in full recovery for almost 5 yrs now and I never want that life back.....it was a living hell......... My husband was compassionate and understanding when I relasped and NEVER even thought of leaving me and I was sick!!!!!! but I also went for help because I wanted to get better, in the meantime I would lie to my family(my dad mostly and I have more respect for my father than anyone in the world) because I didnt want anyone to be ashamed of me for screwing up!!!! thats alot of what I have been thinking about.......but I struggle with boundaries........when does my husband just get to the point where he thinks I accept it and I am a fool...........................

[Tammers10]

I am sorry to hear that you are in the same boat as me.......its not a fun life of emotions is it??? if you ever want to email me, just to vent I would be happy to listen!!!! ***@**** care and good luck

[Tammers10]

thank you for your words..........there is comfort in what you say........I am sorry for your pain as well and i talk to god all the time and will mention you and your family and wish you the very best life has to offer.................................

[VOsRose]

Thank you.  :-}

[bettie1976]

"I have tried for many yrs and all that happens then Is I cry and he lies!!!! "

well obviously you cant change him and im sure you already know that. He has to want it. But I wanted to tell you youre not alone with this. The crying, his lying, Im going thru the same thing right now with my bf.

[beachtowel]

Would you sit down with him and ask him to please explain the first step of 12?

Admit that we are powerless over drugs and that our lives have become unmanageable.

What does it mean to him? and does it apply to him in any way?

[Alyssam]

I am also worried about how this family will split apart but honestly it already has. My daughter is an addict and I raise her beautiful 2 year old (I am 49) When baby was 6 months old, daughter had enough and decided that there must be something out there besides getting up in the middle of the night to feed a baby. She still visits her frequently but thats another story. My daughter moved in with my X  and for a little while she looked satisfied..In our visits, I noticed differences in her appearance, attitude and frequency of her visits..Finally things got sooo bad that in a gentle way, I was able to get her to tell me what was going on. Her fathers girlfriend was taking lortab (supplied by her father) and to keep my daughter from telling me, he helped introduce lortab to her. (daughter had an option to not take them and accepts her responsibility)..For over a year he was buying daughter and girlfriend lortab off of the streets. When he went broke financially girlfriend left him and now daughter lost her cashcow. She said she wanted to get help but it doesnt seem like she is willing to go to meetings, go to a doctor or rehab...and she buys lots of sudafed. I am not sure but I would think that the sniffles from detoxing would be over by now..(4 weeks clean) but she continues to buy a box daily. My fear is that the X will use my daughter and her habit to try to gain total access to the baby. Obviously I dont think he is a great role model nor do I care to have him sitting on my couch playing with the baby. The only paperwork I have on this baby is a medical power of attorney. If I go for something legal then my daughter will see it as a betrayal possibly pushing her farther over the edge...I am really stuck in a really ugly place...and I am not sure how to deal with it or the best plan of action

[nobluess]

Listen, I have been in  your shoes.  My boyfriend was and still is an addict.  I did the same thing you're doing.  I tried making excuses for him.  He was a good dad and great partner but his first love (like your husband) is not the "family" but his addiction.

Think about it.  Why are you really here?  If your husband is not harming you in any way, that you're willing to admit, then why are you asking for advise.  Sweetie, if you worry and hurt..then your kids worry and hurt.  Please think of them.  They're really smarter than you think.  

I know because it wasn't until I kicked Richard out that my 15 year old finally confided in me.  She told me how hurt she was watching me cry.  She told me how much she worried when she saw me pace.  

I know  you love him but your love for your children should supersede.  You are the only responsible parent they have and they're counting on you.

Tough love....that's the way to go.  If he loves you as much as he says...he will get himself clean.

For now, take care of your kids...PRAY HARD (REMEMBER GOD IS FAITHFUL). And know that we're here to help when you need us.

God Bless you and your kids.

[High Noon]

Why would you ask if you are a good mother? It seems to me that anything and everything you contemplate/say is to make sure of the safety and comfort of your children- so you are a good mother with a husband addicted to painkillers. If he continues to have "legitimate" pain management issues, it is a tough call- what might he be like after withdrawal but still in pain?

You say "he is not a bad husband". Might there be more underlieing issues than the pills?

I wish you the best in a very tough situation.