am I in denial???

[demowoman]

i have gone thru the w/d and came out the other side - but i am still using every few days (codeine) - in between i get no more w/ds and am happily using the bathroom on a regular basis - all seems to be ok - am i deluding myself???  i was taking up to 300 mg codeine daily for over five years but now my dose is 80mg when i do use the pills every third or fourth day

as long as i don't go back to where i was - am i deluding myself???

[oxysbliss]

Its a possiblity..................but that is really a personal choice!! No one can make those choices for you!

I actively take 2 percs a day.......I have been quite honest with the board about that.........There are things I just cannnot do, and over the weekend I had to up to 4 when I was in a heck of alot of pain................

some days I dont even take 2...............and thats okay......I have to be EXTERMELY honest with myself and my using, why I use and what I do so on and so forth....I went thru months of journalling..always trying to figure out where my head was at...Am I an addict or arent I...Can I use these until they help me with my physical self........so on and so forth...

Me personally I have been doing pretty well and managing...........yet its really hard..........and I havnet been doing that ALONE........

So in saying all that, thats what I did..and what I do..............so I hope that helps

C

[Marce4]

Hi.....Wish I could answer that ?? for you but only you can! Look at yourself in the mirroe and be totally honest. Are you using them for legitimate pain?  Could the pain be handled with other non-narcotic meds?  I know how hard this is....believe me....detoxed three times and went back thinking I would be able to control my usage. Again, we are all different....I know for me, using pills would put me right back to square one!

I hope you find your answer...stay strong!
Marcie:)

[CATUF]

IF never go back to where you were or somewhere else (or worse) that you don't want to be, then you're probably not deluding yourself.

For me, that has been The Mother of All If's!!!  This seems to be true for most alcoholics and addicts.  Chapter 3 of AA's Big Book begins with an apt discussion about the quest to limit/control the Beast:  "our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. "

I think that if I were in your place I might ask myself a bunch of questions, including the following:  

1.  WHY DO I WANT (NEED?) TO CONTINUE USING A SUBSTANCE THAT HAS CAUSED ME PROBLEMS IN THE PAST?  [For me, it was because the only time I really felt good about life (and me) was when I had some in me - it made everything (and me) OK, better, good.  I could see that things had gotten a little out of hand and I didn't want that, but I didn't want to (couldn't) completely give up those wonderful breaks when life ceased being this endless thing that I was forced to endure and became good and OK and nice and . . . .]

2.  WHAT WAS THE RESULT OF PAST EFFORTS TO LIMIT OR CONTROL MY USE OF THE SUBSTANCE?  [Mine were abject failures.  No matter how much I meant it or how bad things had gotten before, every time I went back with the notion that I would keep it under control, etc., it not only got out of control again, it got worse.  I would maintin control for a while, but sooner or later it got out of control and then it almost immediately became more out of control than the state that caused me to think I needed to stop in the first place.  By the time I was finally able to get into sustained Recovery, my addiction had progressed to the point that with ANY use I was in danger of dying - and, somehow, that didn't seem like an unreasonable risk anymore.)

3.  HOW IMPORTANT IS IT TO ME THAT I BE ABLE TO CONTINUE USING AND WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT? [I think most of mine was a brain chemistry thing - I just didn't find life rewarding without using - I didn't feel good (or bad) or happy (or sad) unless I used.  So, it seemed like life would simply have no meaning if I didn't get to use sometimes.  I didn't know if I could take it if I couldn't use SOMETIMES - I mean, everybody needs a vacation now and then, don't they?  I could get rid of that paradigm when the using got so bad that it was replaced with the need to quit.  And the horror of that bad time, combined with the equal horror of w/d, would make me a NEW MAN, happy with life and full of JOY to be free from the DEMON ------ for a few weeks. . . . Then I would need a little bit, but only now and then, and NEVER LIKE BEFORE, just so I could make things OK again, for a little while . . . .]


CATUF
@23 Months (today)

[AJ10/325]

I have tried doing things like that many, many times and always found  myself right back where I was before.  I used it for lagit pain and to get high.
  I always had a reason to use it But I was in big denial!!    ( 1 is too many and 1000 is not enough! )    


Are you using them to relieve pain? Or to get high?


AJ