ashamed and sad...

[OhioVicoguy]

After being 7 days clean, and beginning to feel pretty good metally and physically, and even telling some good and caring friends that I was doing well, I f***ing did it again!! It bagan last sunday....I suddenly felt the urge that I could handle a few beers and a few vikes.....well, a week later....after lying to some people that wanted to see me....told some people I had the "mumps" to but me extented time of using.....here I am back at step one. Today is day one c/t..I feel so ashamed of myself, and I truly feel remorse for my actions. Wgat the hell was I thinking??!! I had a chance to spend some time with someone I have feelings for last thursday and friday, but noooooooo I chose to stay F***ed up and told her I was sick. I ruly am at the end of my rope! I can't continue to feel good one day, then binge, then feel terrible and guilty.....then begin to feel batter, then do it all again. Its a damn merry-go-round!!! Its like when I'm using....I clear my schedule with whatever excuses I can think up(enable myself) then hide in the house and drink and do pills. I've had it with myself!!!!!!!!! Think I'll try to take a walk.....take my poor neglected Golden Retriever with me....I feel like hell....Please, if anyone can give me advise. I think the pills should be OUT of my house....then I wouldn't drink with out them as my DOC is both! Hope to hear from someone....Thanks

[GA Guy]

Buddy, I think we've all been there at one time or another. In fact, I'm in day 3 myself. First thing you have to do is get rid of the guilt. It's hard to do, but it's not gonna help you get and stay clean. The key here is to change plans, this one isn't working. I'm seeing a therapist this time. You have to plan things better and get yourself well. You're like me, we can't go through this **** many times.

[notmenow!]

Well said, Your right just because you may have messed up in the past does not mean you will never get it. But you really have to want it really, really, BAD. If I were to ask you if you would do what ever it takes to stay sober. What would your answer be? I hear a lot of people talk on this forum some who have made it so far, and others that just continue to report that they messed up again. But what I don't hear is people talking about a higher power. It doesn't have to be GOD. It can be anything that you believe can help you in those times of need when we fall down. I know this much that higher power is not here in the post's you read. Your higher power is waiting for you in the rooms of AA/NA. That's were you will find people who will look you in the eye and be able to tell if your hurting or not. Here all we can do is confide in each other. But I think many of the members are telling stories when they claim to be clean, Don't get me wrong there are truly some well informed sincere people here I wont mention names you know who you all are. So even if it takes 40 attempts to get it then continue the fight. Because if you don't in the end all that's left is jails, institutions and death. Choose one and decide what your destiny is going to be. I know your have heard this story over and over again, One of these days its going to sink in I just hope for your sake you find yourself in the right place when the miracle happens.              God Bless---------------NOAH












b

[bettie1976]

"If your problem was  just alcohol I would say you would make a good candidate for Suboxone treatment."
Thats untrue. I went to suboxone treatment for opiates (mainly) and alcohol. They took care of both  

[snowangels]

What's with Ohio?  I'm in Ohio too- is it just too easy to get a script for this stuff or what?  I never had this problem in Texas or Florida.  Did anyone ever wonder why a Dr. keeps prescribing this stuff?  When your on it for longer than a few months aren't you supposed to be referred to a Pain Management specialist?  OhioVicoguy- your not alone- like I said in my post- I quit for 5 months swore I'd never go through this detox pain again, and low and behold...here I am again- I am on day 3 AGAIN- flu like symptoms and down and out for the count right now, feeling stupid and all alone- we all fall down, it's how we pick ourselves up and never give up on ourselves that counts- Please don't give up-

[tramaddi]

I feel your pain.  I too know the joys of pills and booze and the pain of facing yourself and stopping.  I used to love percocet and wine:)  Then I started on tramadol and since liquor doesn't seem to have any enhancement w/ the tram I don't do them at the same time but I still do both.  I have such a high tolerence now when I try pecocet or lortab I get no reaction.  The tramadol is the only thing that does it for me.  Have faith, taper CT is a bit much

[troubleinohio]

Im near Toledo. I"ll hold your pills for ya. Youd have to drive 2 hours to get them, haha.

Seriously though, Im sorry you had a relapse. I hope you have better luck this try. Email me if you want to talk.  

[NautyOne]

sounds to me like the outpatient group thing is more up your alley.  7 days you are basically detoxed.....it seems the mind games, triggers are what are getting in your way.  good luck, and keep us posted.

Nauty...................

[lurker]

Good for you for giving the pills to a friend.  That is the first big step.  As long as he will give them to you only as needed, you're on the right road.  Put down that bat and stop beating yourself up.  Time to brush yourself off and start over.  You may want to think about going to meetings or getting close to some people who are clean and sober so that when you have the urge to reach out, it can be to some support people and not substances.  Hang in there!!

[OhioVicoguy]

Thank you all for your comments....I appreciate them, and couldn't agree more. I have a sober friend I just called who will take the pills. I need them out of my sight, but due to recent surgery, I can't flush, not yet anyway. If I get in bad enough pain....I will drive over to personally see him, and he will dispense ONE only....when the pain subsides....I will let him flush. I live alone, have 2 dogs to care for, and bills that come in daily.....I'm going to try hard to detox myself.....and then there is a treatment center here in town that will have me in as an outpatient.....group and one one ones. Too bad they don't have a detox unit arund here, but they don't. I would have to line that up myself, and drive myself 2 hours either east(cleve) or west(toledo) I'm going to tey to hang in there! Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. I feel soooooo bad for getting myself BACK into this predicament again! It has to end......and now!

[notmenow!]

It is more than clear that you are dual addicted. As you mentioned DOC alcohol and hydrocodone.
I hope your not doctor shopping as Ohio is notorious for catching controlled substance offenders with the state wide Rx monitoring system. Those caught face felony 5 charges (just something to think about)
What you need to do Ohio is get yourself into an inpatient detox, for opiates and alcohol as you are  cross addicted. You have proved to us all here that you can't do it on your own. I don't believe anybody here is a C.A.D.C., and that is what you need even if it is on an out patient basis!

If your problem was  just alcohol I would say you would make a good candidate for Suboxone treatment. I'm sure you have heard of it. I use to use 120mgs of oxycontin and 8 Norco all prescribed by my pain management physician. After my surgurey she put me on Suboxone. It gave me back my life, no more waking up dope sick, I sleep 8 full hrs a night, no diarrhea, and I got my appetite back. It truly has given my life back to me. I see her every 3 months and get 2 refills. Did you know 1mg of Sub is equal to 50mgs of morphine tablet. But the alcohol disqualifies you as a patient.
How bad is your alcohol use. Is it daily or just when your using?
It may still be worth a try is you not that addicted to alcohol. You probably heard this before but go to www.suboxone.com or call them 8-8pm EST. 1-877-782-6966 they can answer all your questions and find you a sub MD based on zip codes every thing you say is very confidential. This may be your only way around a inpatient detox. ----------------Good Luck Ohio------------NOAH  

[IBKleen]

Ohio.....I too have seen you relapse. I know you are hurting and I won't lecture. It seems that you are unable to do this on your own. Have you considered rehab? I think it would benefit you greatly. Tell us what you think.

Tammers..hello and welcome. Would you please go back to the forum and post a new question with what you just wrote here. That way you will get advise and suggestions on your issue. It is difficult to answer in another post such as this. Hope to see you out there. If you need help with it, just ask.

[Tammers10]

i have a question and I hope someone here can help me......i have been married to my husband for almost 7 yrs....he has been abusing vics since I can remember. 4 knee surgeries can do that I guess. His job is very physical and I know he has pain.....however i also am smart enough to realize that these are his HAPPY pills and he loves to take them for many reasons. But we have kids....12, and 5 and I worry about that a lot. Our trust in the marraige is gone due to his lies about getting rx filled...........i am sooooo confused, i love him and he is a good man but I cant watch him do this anymore to himself (and us) do I really know my husband???? being on pills.....do you even think clear or know what you want in life??? and does he realize i love him and just am at the end of my rope???? I do think he cares......but then I read a post like from ohiovicoguy and think maybe he does feel bad..........i went to college and studied addiction counseling so I know its a disease.....but when do I walk away......how much more do I cry!!!!!!! HELP..........

[bettie1976]

i keep seeing you relapse. you need to get that thinking "i can have a few beers" outta yer head boy! CAUSE YOU CANT! Get RID of the pills. Flush em, give em to someone who needs em, sell em I dont care, just get rid of em!