at my wits end

[brbnar]

I have a son who has stolen from me for years, on all kinds of drugs and has a gambling problem,  He got hooked on pain killers first from a injury in the service and has gone downhill from there.  He has burnt his bridges with all of his real friends and all of his family except me.  he gets  check from the government every month that is more than enough live very comfortably.  His credit is so bad that the check goes into my acct. and I write a check to him.  He damages every place he lives in and the only people he associates with anymore are druggies.  He gets his money at the beginning of the month and in 2 days he is broke and wants me to support him the rest of the month.  In the meantime he is stealing from me if I dont help him.  Every cent he gets goes to drugs and gambling even though he says it is for food, gas etc.  He is in jail this last week for shoplifting and drugs and I have refused to bail him out.  I want him to get help but I dont know how to help him.  So, I have chosen to leave him in jail.  I dont know what to do when he gets out.  He will come straight to me and I cant do it anymore.  He is 43.

[jifmoc]

Excellent job on NOT bailing him out. Great start.

Firstly, get thee to an Alanon meeting. Like today. They are VITAL for the sanity of loved ones of addicts/alcoholics. Don't think about it, just go.

Secondly, you are enabling an addict. Things will never change if you don't stop this. That means, stop w/ the check writing. Do not be involved in his money AT ALL. Let him find a way to cash his own check. Your doing that is enabling his lifestyle. Sounds like he may be living w/ you? You're gonna need to change that, too. I know this might sound terrifying to you. But, keep this up, and you'll comfort him to the grave. Like Bearfan above said, tough love.

ACTIONS are needed, not words. Good luck and keep posting.

[BearsFan1966]

Tough love is what all addicts need. You care enough not to bail him out. As an addict we will do any thing to get that next high! It is nothing you have done it is the addiction taking control over him. Hopefully staying in jail he can see what he has done to you and everyone around him. My oldest son had a problem with drinking and ended up in jail for a week. It killed me but I did not cave in and when he got out he thanked me for not bailing him out that he needed the jail time to see what he was doing to everyone! Stay strong

[helplessangel]

First, this isn't your fault. I'm on my third day of stopping my drug. One of the things you must, and probably do, understand is there is nothing more important than the drugs to him. I've done bad things and have lied, stolen, anything to get what I needed. What drove me to stop was my mother stopped giving me money. I don't know if that will work for him, especially since he has money that is his I wish I could help more but my brain and body feels in crisis and I'm not sure I'm thinking straight. I personally would not bail him out of jail. Good luck! You sound like a very caring, loving mom.

[ToManyToLate]

I'm an addict, trying to get sober for the past 12 days, from years of use and then abuse. I also started my addiction due to medical reasons and pain killers and I am happy to be honest and help you (and him)  in anyway I can. I've walked where he has been and is now (except jail). I'm not sure what kind of support you are looking for. I might be able to kind of explain why, how he went from this to this,and things that were done to me from those that had enough, but you might have to look to someone else on how for you to cope with an addict. If you think I can please let me know. I'm happy to!!