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Avatar universal

battle has been lost!!!!

first i wld like to thank all of those who offered advice and or kind words...it really meant alot....today however was my group counseling session and to my utter shock and dis belief dr mchatred anounces to the entire group that i had tried to taper myself "that i thought i was the dr" and he went around the room asking if any body else had tried that...well as u prob knw no one else had the balls to admit that they did..i mean come on if one is serious about being clean im sure they at least tried to cut back or dwn....any way after no one said anything he returned the attention back to me and had ea person give ME a reason why wat i did was a horrible idea and he continued to tell the group that with my way of thinking i am a "relapse waiting to happen"....i felt utterly humiliated...i had tears running dwn my face...i was shocked silent...i honestly cldnt say a word...he then asked me if i "had any more bright ideas"?....all i cld do was run from the room....i ran out of the building....i ran to my car and to my phn....right now i am waiting for my dealer to get here....i guess he was right!!! addiction is a big business...only my doc dealer never ever made me feel the way my so called recovery dr has....he wins...maybe i am just a junkie...in my defense i will say this:..i went in to the sub prgrm ready to renew my life...i had all the hopes of a new bride on her wedding day....i was getting married to life....my battle with addiction has been lost...i sit here defeated....he left a voice mail saying he feels i need to go to 3 subs a day!! that means i pay more ea week..as it is now i am cash pay and he gets 200 a week and the pharm gets almost 500 now he wants more? no he wins...i lose....well just heard that all to familiar horn blowing in my drive way....again thamk u all and to those who are lucky enough to beat this i wish u luck and plz knw sme of us are not as lucky and we envy u.......rebecca
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Avatar universal
I can tell you there are egomaniac jerks in all environments, like work and professional settings. They enjoy belittling people because they are in a position of power and the subordinates can do nothing or risk losing their job. I see absolutely no justification for this doctor singling her out in a group, already in a vulnerable state. Even if we did not get "the full story," that behavior in and of itself is inexcusable.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
O I must be in the wrong place I thought this was for help not enabling & encouraging them not to follow doctors orders even when its something they dont want to hear....sorry!!! Been there done that!!!!!
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Avatar universal
If you've come here to judge someone you are in the wrong place my friend!
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Avatar universal
We have to step back & look at the whole picture. None of you were there & know exactly what was said or not. We all know People with these additions are quick to cut someone off or accuse them of things that never happened simply because the addict did not hear what she wanted to hear so she immediately turned to drugs which she now blames on the doctor.... right back to the blame game "it's never their fault"!! Think about it??? I don't think if that doctor was acting like she says that she was the only one he has ever did this too?? I'm questioning what she really said that he got in her butt over?? If you feel so strongly she was done wrong by this doctor ask her to come live with you so you can help her & see how ou feel in a few days!!!!!
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Avatar universal
YOU slayed a dragon today!
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Avatar universal
Thanks...I just placed my name on a waiting list on the "here to help" web site..so hopefully ill get a new dr soon..I am not going back to dr mc evil...so I have enough subs to last til fri even longer if I lessen my daily dose..my hope is that I find a dr soon but if not I will take the ones I have sparingly and hey, maybe I won't need them..I do knw I will need mental meds to deal with the depression..either way I say its a win win...if I get a dr I will have hlp to taper at the right pace and get off of them...if not then I taper with wat I have and I get off of em...so that is wats on my plate right now..kinda ***** but if I made it thru TODAY, then I will damn sure not give up now...just look for my post asking for wd remedies..lol...:-)...nite nite guys...becca..
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Avatar universal
Same here, I was checking to see if you would post now tomorrow you can update it with a different title as you did not lose the battle, you are winning! Way to go, now I can go to sleep. You'll be in my prayers tonight.
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Avatar universal
becca I'm so proud of you, I've been checking all night to see if you'd post an update.  GREAT job, you should be proud!  You brought tears to my eyes thinking about you there fighting all alone but you DID IT!  We are here and we care!  I'm 58 days girl you CAN do this!
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Avatar universal
So glad to hear from you and such great news!! You should be extremely proud of yourself!! Keep going, you're on your way!! Biggest hugs to you!!!
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1235186 tn?1656987798
hey becca, i am so proud of you. that is how you will get through the urges when they come. one day at a time. keep on praying an ask GOD to break the chains and bondage of addiction and to cover your mind with HIS grace and mercy. you did great. keep up the good work. keep the faith.
do you have subs left that you can taper down from?
sending hope,encouragment,peace,support,hugs and many prayers
debbie
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ok I'm new just posted for help with my problem! Give me hope!
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2025470 tn?1334015391
YES!!!!   This made my night!  I was so happy to read this....   Great job.  I'm so sorry about your doctor but the sad truth is some are like this. Like you said Becca you made it today.  We will deal with tomorrow when it comes...

You made a great decision today..And remember you are never alone!

Stick around here and post often!
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1767882 tn?1331409169
Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep PRAYING!!!!

Tell the dopeman you're done. That's really hard when the devil is knocking on your door. Good thing you had a stronger power with you.

If you made it through today, you can make it through tomorrow.
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Avatar universal
Its 10 pm where I am and I hid in my home all day..I layed in bed under the blanket while my dealer called and knocked and beeped outside for 20 min..my whole body was screaming to go open the door but I cldnt..with ea knock, beep, call i cried more and more...I asked god why..what did I do to deserve this torture...I asked him to plz cover me and hold me down..plz dnt let me give in..plz take this urge, this pain this longing for silence..I wanted to forget all the wrongs...I needed to be numb but not this way..I fell asleep and I made it thru this day...how? I have no clue...tomorow is another day and I will battle this demon again...thank you ALL..I swear I am so happy I found this site..being alone with no family or friends I really trusted and depended on this dr..maybe that was my first mistake..I mean it is MY recovery not his right?..I just really wanted a connection with smeone...I needed to feel like a part of smething and I thought that since he was a addiction dr he wld embrace me..he wld understand where no one else did and I placed all my hopes and dreams at his feet..I was finally safe and I had hlp to fight this war..now I know that this is MY fight and I can come to u guys when I need a rest...thank u...I made it today...tomorow is another day yes but I made it today!!!becca
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Avatar universal
Please stay here and talk to us,,I am feeling some of the same feelings you are today (different circimstance). Nothing seems to help when you feel like this I know. Using will only add to the problem. You came here and posted,,obviously reaching out for help. We will carry you threw this! Im sending love and prayers. (((hugs)))~bkitty
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Avatar universal
Iwill is right, you are being given a gift. The Present. You have control over the situation. Leave and go home and pamper yourself. Talk to us. I just want to reach out through the web and hug you and and comfort you. I am still just shocked that he would do such a thing. I have to get ready for PT but know that I am praying for and thinking of you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You need to get on the waiting list for a new doctor and report this scumbag! Do not let him get away with this! Do what you need to do until you get to a real doctor. You're not worthless, you were really trying to do the right thing. Hang in there, if you can't quit cold turkey, it's not the end of the world just don't go back for good. Take care and you are NOT alone. Hugs to you!
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Avatar universal
Maxe - your dealer isn't here yet - you are being given a gift.  PLEASE drive away, this is a test and look at all the people here to support you.

GIRL DRIVE AWAY.  This doctor is financially benefiting from keeping you on the treadmill - report him and find a new doctor.  No one deserves to be treated the way you were - especially when we are at our most fragile.

you are stronger than this, your life is worth a real shot at getting clean.  We are here - keep posting and we are all pulling for you!
Helpful - 0
1767882 tn?1331409169
Maxe - NE is right - using isn't going to solve anything. It WILL make you feel even worse. Take a moment and think this through! You've worked hard, you know you're NOT worthless, you know this is the disease talking to you. Give yourself an hour. Pray.
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Avatar universal
You are not worthless! I believe in you. I can't stand people who have this control complex and belittle people. This is why so many are afraid to ask for help. There are better doctors out there. Find another and fire that a-hole! I am sorry for being so foul-mouthed, but he deserves to be called way worse. Please cancel that order.

Hugs and more hugs,

Minn
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2048234 tn?1330814100
Maxe please call and cancel it. That doctor is an idiot. Report him and find a new one. Most doctors tell you to taper. My doctor is mad at me because I didn't taper and I went cold turkey. Your battle is not lost. Even if you do use today which I pray you don't you can over come this. I can't believe he did that to you. I know you can do this look at all you have done so far. You will find the right doctor. Please don't give up.
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Avatar universal
Stay with us. We'll help you through this. You don't want to prove that jerk right. He shouldn't even be practicing. You are stronger than that. Use this to motivate yourself. Tell the dealer you don't want it. Keep posting!
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2025470 tn?1334015391
I can understand the inner battle you are having right now.  Cancel with your dealer and stay on here with us and talk it out.  Choose not to use.

Hang around here Maxe
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Avatar universal
God i feel so alone and worthless....in a way i wish dealer wld just get here already and on the other hand im glad hes not here yet...my head is all messed up...i wish i cld crawl into a hole and hide for awhile....
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