Aa
besides opiate addiction what could this be?
ill have to split this into multiple comments becuz this is long. i really think i have more then an addiction maybe you guys have had similar things happen in your life?
please read all of this ive never came out like this before in my life and i really need help and people to listen and give me good advise on what really is wrong with me. because ive never felt so lost as i have lately. im telling you all the important things from my life in this please read it because it will help you help me and i really need help.
well about 50 min ago i did took 320 mg of oxy for first time and ate my brownie with it. i guess i since my body is already ****** and i bleed when i use restroom every othger time now and probally dont got much longer on this earth anyways if i dont quit id thought id try and go for my biggest high and last high ever. ive done this kinda thing before but never worked. im hoping ill be soo dizzy nauses and basicly so i high that itll make me hate being high maybe thatll fix it but really havnt noticed much of a feeling between 240 and 320 mg. maybe it has something to do with only having so many receptor neuron whatever stuff in my brain to allow me to get high.
i figured since soon ill be out of oxy completely with no way to get em. maybe i should just pop like 350 mg instead of 240 regularly so i can run out of pills faster. do you guys think thats a good idea or is this stoned thinking? i hope me talking about drugs doesnt make you u guys relapse or whate ever. i absolutely love these but i also hate myself for using them so much. i know im gonna miss them. im really hoping i get my act together before all im able to get my hands on is percocets or vicodin or what ever that new doctor is handing out. i know that theres so much apap in those pills id probally kill myself from liver failure trying to chase a high off those pills. i know id probally be cold water extracting to get high off em and that so dangerous because even those it gets rid of usually most the APAP it doesnt work all the way and sometimes worse then others. knowing me id be like "Oh i survived taking 20 CWE'd pills last time, ill survive this time too and maybe the CWE wouldnt work correctly that time and i get too much apap and my liver would fail. thats why im getting so afraid because im sooo weak minded and i do stupid **** like that alot.
im a huge tard when it comes to highs never could control how high i got. when i was barely 16 4 years ago i almost took my life with xtc. i took 3 pills at once and was like "well im fine now i should take another" and that was during a lunch at my first highschool late into junior year. i was sooo stupid. i was so good at not getting caught being completely high when i was in high school had down to a science. but then i started up'ing how much xtc and weed id smoke before coming into class.
the day i OD'ed about 1 hour after taking the pills i was asking my friends to drive me home i knew i was waaayyy to high for my next teacher he was a ex-cop. and so on way to parking lot i dropped to floor couldnt talk or walk and words wouldnt come out the way i wanted them to. they said the pills were cut with meth and when the school nurse checked my heart rate she told me she couldnt tell how fast it was because was too fast for her to count the pulse. when i woke up at hospital they told me i would have had a heart attack and probally died had they not got me to hospital when they did. i was sooooo stupid that i thought nothing of the OD and when i got back to school the first day back showed up high on xtc again and was so stupid that day. i always **** up like that. i was dumb i asked my teacher to go to restroom and apparently the teacher told the security that i was walking funny and they caught me smoking from my bubbler in restroom.
i think the only reason i stopped being an E-tard was cuz u couldnt take oxy with em. probally so many holes in my brain from that crap. did it daily almost 2 years. i have like 2 personalities when im getting high. when im with friends or i control how much drugs i use so i dont look completely retarded or zombie like to people. but when i am by myself with nobody in my room i end up wasting all my stuff at once. especially with weed. if i have like a quad i could easily smoke it all in one sitting and seem barely any higher then if i smoked 2 grams. like even though i know im wasting the stuff i just dont care. anybody else like that?another thing about me is ive kinda created 3 different versions of myself. which i hope somebody else here is like this because otherwise i might be crazy.
- when im by myself i think is the real me where i dont have to fake being happy. its the only time i feel comfortable being myself. when im by myself im usually extremely high but yet somehow i can still think well nuff to type even though i cant feel keyboard on my fingertips at all. im constantly thinking about how ****** up my life is when im by myself. i absolutly hate my life even more when im alone. yet somehow ive managed to hermit myself in room all time. i hardly talk to anybody now that im outta school. used to be friends and hang out with people every day. no its like once a month i leave the house to hang out.
-when im with family i dont mention anything to anybody i force myself to smile and i try and avoid my family as much as possible. i usually cant be around my family cuz they will see me high so when im with them im usually pretty sober and because of that all my muscles feel achey and i really cant think straight. if my family says something related to drugs i usually pretend like i dont know much about them to help me look like im not using but in reality i know alot about drugs ive probally tried more types of them then most people here. know how to grow and everything, even how to make different forms of opiates though i dont have the resources to do that. i probally know more about then some doctors. when im with family i seem happy but im agonizingly waiting for a chance to get out of the room without making myself suspicious looking
-the 3rd and final personality i think i have would be when im with friends. im basicly very talkative with them. for the most part all i is get really high with them or watch a movie or play a game while high i really dont remember ever being completely clean hanging out with anybody in a long time. i can fake a good laugh or smile with them. but inside im still a huge miserable **** up. i am slightly happier when im with other then by self and alot happier then when im with family. i kinda feel "cool" or what ever when im with them like a hey look at me im not such a loser feeling but thats very temporary and after i get back home and am by myself i feelmuch much worse then if i didnt hang out. because it makes me realise how much of a loser i am because everbody else is having fun partying and i see them with thier girlfriends and it makes me feel horrible knowing ill never get a girl. im too selfish, lazy, ugly, and high for any girls to care about me. i talk to them fine but i just cant get any emotions out to any girls or even my friends i keep everything bottled up in me in fear. i have a feeling it has to do with my abandonment issues but i honestly dont think about being abandoned much.
please read all of this ive never came out like this before in my life and i really need help and people to listen and give me good advise on what really is wrong with me. because ive never felt so lost as i have lately. im telling you all the important things from my life in this please read it because it will help you help me and i really need help.
well about 50 min ago i did took 320 mg of oxy for first time and ate my brownie with it. i guess i since my body is already ****** and i bleed when i use restroom every othger time now and probally dont got much longer on this earth anyways if i dont quit id thought id try and go for my biggest high and last high ever. ive done this kinda thing before but never worked. im hoping ill be soo dizzy nauses and basicly so i high that itll make me hate being high maybe thatll fix it but really havnt noticed much of a feeling between 240 and 320 mg. maybe it has something to do with only having so many receptor neuron whatever stuff in my brain to allow me to get high.
i figured since soon ill be out of oxy completely with no way to get em. maybe i should just pop like 350 mg instead of 240 regularly so i can run out of pills faster. do you guys think thats a good idea or is this stoned thinking? i hope me talking about drugs doesnt make you u guys relapse or whate ever. i absolutely love these but i also hate myself for using them so much. i know im gonna miss them. im really hoping i get my act together before all im able to get my hands on is percocets or vicodin or what ever that new doctor is handing out. i know that theres so much apap in those pills id probally kill myself from liver failure trying to chase a high off those pills. i know id probally be cold water extracting to get high off em and that so dangerous because even those it gets rid of usually most the APAP it doesnt work all the way and sometimes worse then others. knowing me id be like "Oh i survived taking 20 CWE'd pills last time, ill survive this time too and maybe the CWE wouldnt work correctly that time and i get too much apap and my liver would fail. thats why im getting so afraid because im sooo weak minded and i do stupid **** like that alot.
im a huge tard when it comes to highs never could control how high i got. when i was barely 16 4 years ago i almost took my life with xtc. i took 3 pills at once and was like "well im fine now i should take another" and that was during a lunch at my first highschool late into junior year. i was sooo stupid. i was so good at not getting caught being completely high when i was in high school had down to a science. but then i started up'ing how much xtc and weed id smoke before coming into class.
the day i OD'ed about 1 hour after taking the pills i was asking my friends to drive me home i knew i was waaayyy to high for my next teacher he was a ex-cop. and so on way to parking lot i dropped to floor couldnt talk or walk and words wouldnt come out the way i wanted them to. they said the pills were cut with meth and when the school nurse checked my heart rate she told me she couldnt tell how fast it was because was too fast for her to count the pulse. when i woke up at hospital they told me i would have had a heart attack and probally died had they not got me to hospital when they did. i was sooooo stupid that i thought nothing of the OD and when i got back to school the first day back showed up high on xtc again and was so stupid that day. i always **** up like that. i was dumb i asked my teacher to go to restroom and apparently the teacher told the security that i was walking funny and they caught me smoking from my bubbler in restroom.
i think the only reason i stopped being an E-tard was cuz u couldnt take oxy with em. probally so many holes in my brain from that crap. did it daily almost 2 years. i have like 2 personalities when im getting high. when im with friends or i control how much drugs i use so i dont look completely retarded or zombie like to people. but when i am by myself with nobody in my room i end up wasting all my stuff at once. especially with weed. if i have like a quad i could easily smoke it all in one sitting and seem barely any higher then if i smoked 2 grams. like even though i know im wasting the stuff i just dont care. anybody else like that?another thing about me is ive kinda created 3 different versions of myself. which i hope somebody else here is like this because otherwise i might be crazy.
- when im by myself i think is the real me where i dont have to fake being happy. its the only time i feel comfortable being myself. when im by myself im usually extremely high but yet somehow i can still think well nuff to type even though i cant feel keyboard on my fingertips at all. im constantly thinking about how ****** up my life is when im by myself. i absolutly hate my life even more when im alone. yet somehow ive managed to hermit myself in room all time. i hardly talk to anybody now that im outta school. used to be friends and hang out with people every day. no its like once a month i leave the house to hang out.
-when im with family i dont mention anything to anybody i force myself to smile and i try and avoid my family as much as possible. i usually cant be around my family cuz they will see me high so when im with them im usually pretty sober and because of that all my muscles feel achey and i really cant think straight. if my family says something related to drugs i usually pretend like i dont know much about them to help me look like im not using but in reality i know alot about drugs ive probally tried more types of them then most people here. know how to grow and everything, even how to make different forms of opiates though i dont have the resources to do that. i probally know more about then some doctors. when im with family i seem happy but im agonizingly waiting for a chance to get out of the room without making myself suspicious looking
-the 3rd and final personality i think i have would be when im with friends. im basicly very talkative with them. for the most part all i is get really high with them or watch a movie or play a game while high i really dont remember ever being completely clean hanging out with anybody in a long time. i can fake a good laugh or smile with them. but inside im still a huge miserable **** up. i am slightly happier when im with other then by self and alot happier then when im with family. i kinda feel "cool" or what ever when im with them like a hey look at me im not such a loser feeling but thats very temporary and after i get back home and am by myself i feelmuch much worse then if i didnt hang out. because it makes me realise how much of a loser i am because everbody else is having fun partying and i see them with thier girlfriends and it makes me feel horrible knowing ill never get a girl. im too selfish, lazy, ugly, and high for any girls to care about me. i talk to them fine but i just cant get any emotions out to any girls or even my friends i keep everything bottled up in me in fear. i have a feeling it has to do with my abandonment issues but i honestly dont think about being abandoned much.
i look like a holocaust victim right now lol. nothing i eat becomes fat. ive been looking like a holocaust victim since i was born though so its nothing new.
ive had it since i was like 11. i dont eat or drink chocolate, caffiene or energy drinks very often. i dont get much exercise because my muscles are so weak and my lungs are so bad i can barely exercise long without needing a break. like maybe 30 seconds of running before i run outta breath. i dont have weight set yet and cant do any pushups. figured id get into working out and girls after i get rid of addiction so i can be doing something positive for myself.
good to know im not only person who cannot sleep in a WD. yeah ive tryed few sleeping pills none work. EVEN AMBIEN DOESNT WORK. my friend hooked me up with some and he was able to fall asleep in like 40 min and he has insomnia bad too. ambien made me kinda high-ish feeling and i dont want another addiction so i never bother taking higher dose of Ambien.
good to know im not only person who cannot sleep in a WD. yeah ive tryed few sleeping pills none work. EVEN AMBIEN DOESNT WORK. my friend hooked me up with some and he was able to fall asleep in like 40 min and he has insomnia bad too. ambien made me kinda high-ish feeling and i dont want another addiction so i never bother taking higher dose of Ambien.
How long have you had insomnia, have you ever seen a doctor about it? Do you excercise during the day, are you active at all? do you drink caffeine or energy drinks? Hmm, sleeeping pills don't work at all for you? Also, I think wd makes it harder to sleep. When I WD, I don't sleep for days it is soooo hard to fall asleep.
i ve used 3 times today. 3rd was 40 min ago i couldnt resist. i didnt get any sleep last night without them. i have had horrible insomnia my whole life and even even sleeping pills dont work. only oxy is strong enuff to alow me to sleep. i could damage my brain if i didnt sleep. not sleeping can kill you in like a week. although im not worried about dieing from no sleep because id probally nock out after 4 days but if i dont have any aid with sleepin it takes me up to 3 days to be able to. i havnt been able to stay clean more then 12 hours cant handle that ****** feeling you get when you start getting the WD's.
people say wd are supposed to make you tired sleepy-ish i wish i felt like that so i could at least sleep through WD's. super insomnia makes quiting even harder for me
people say wd are supposed to make you tired sleepy-ish i wish i felt like that so i could at least sleep through WD's. super insomnia makes quiting even harder for me
good news but i need help right now
i had 4 oxy 80's in my hand and i was able to put them back in the medicine bottle. today is the first time ive managed to put any pills down. im itching to use them though right now and im starting to feel that feeling you get when you have a fever and all your muscles are super sore. what should i do right now to help myself guys? i am very weak minded and i need help. somebady know any good ways to keep getting high off my mind? i tried sleeping but my brain was kind of thinking too much about getting high so i could sleep without waking.
i had 4 oxy 80's in my hand and i was able to put them back in the medicine bottle. today is the first time ive managed to put any pills down. im itching to use them though right now and im starting to feel that feeling you get when you have a fever and all your muscles are super sore. what should i do right now to help myself guys? i am very weak minded and i need help. somebady know any good ways to keep getting high off my mind? i tried sleeping but my brain was kind of thinking too much about getting high so i could sleep without waking.
First off, welcome to the forum. You are in a place where we all care for each other and want to help everyone get free of addiction. That being said, it took me a long time to read your post so I’ll try to attack it somewhat in order.
Taking a large amount for “one last high” is a perfect example of addictive thinking. I found as well that spiking my dose didn’t get me that much higher and by the end I was taking between 400 and 500 mg of oxy every day. That one last high turned into 6 months for me. There will always be an excuse to use again for us addicts, we have to eliminate using as a possibility at all costs. Rationalizing things like “I survived this time” doesn’t make you stupid, just shows you how addictive your reasoning is. I can’t tell you how many times I rationalized using mass amounts of oxy because I had done Heroin in the past.
You’re not crazy but drugs do a number to our personalities. I went from being a respectful college student and football player to a drug dealing dope fiend. I had two personalities, the nice guy who would do anything for you and the drug dealer who would break your face if you tried to get over on me. You’re not the only one. I sold a lot of weed so I smoked a lot every day. Many times I would save an ounce out of a lb when I got my dro in and it would be gone in a day and a half. It was just senseless waste, doing it because I could or whatever. We know a lot about drugs, so you’re not the only one. We’ve been around the block a few times lol.
The physical jolt you mention could be a myriad of things. Doctors will tell you that mental issues manifest themselves in physical symptoms. I would say that you need to get to a doctor who will then refer you to a specialist in order to figure out what exactly is going on. I mean none of us are doctors so there’s no way we could diagnose what that is.
All of your problems with the past and issues are something that you need to see a counselor for. Rest assured that all of this can be addressed and you can recover from drug addiction, it takes work though. If you can get to rehab I’d strongly urge you to go. If not, get yourself to an NA meeting and tell them about your drug use. Get a sponsor and work the steps and you’ll start to recover. Good luck to you!
Taking a large amount for “one last high” is a perfect example of addictive thinking. I found as well that spiking my dose didn’t get me that much higher and by the end I was taking between 400 and 500 mg of oxy every day. That one last high turned into 6 months for me. There will always be an excuse to use again for us addicts, we have to eliminate using as a possibility at all costs. Rationalizing things like “I survived this time” doesn’t make you stupid, just shows you how addictive your reasoning is. I can’t tell you how many times I rationalized using mass amounts of oxy because I had done Heroin in the past.
You’re not crazy but drugs do a number to our personalities. I went from being a respectful college student and football player to a drug dealing dope fiend. I had two personalities, the nice guy who would do anything for you and the drug dealer who would break your face if you tried to get over on me. You’re not the only one. I sold a lot of weed so I smoked a lot every day. Many times I would save an ounce out of a lb when I got my dro in and it would be gone in a day and a half. It was just senseless waste, doing it because I could or whatever. We know a lot about drugs, so you’re not the only one. We’ve been around the block a few times lol.
The physical jolt you mention could be a myriad of things. Doctors will tell you that mental issues manifest themselves in physical symptoms. I would say that you need to get to a doctor who will then refer you to a specialist in order to figure out what exactly is going on. I mean none of us are doctors so there’s no way we could diagnose what that is.
All of your problems with the past and issues are something that you need to see a counselor for. Rest assured that all of this can be addressed and you can recover from drug addiction, it takes work though. If you can get to rehab I’d strongly urge you to go. If not, get yourself to an NA meeting and tell them about your drug use. Get a sponsor and work the steps and you’ll start to recover. Good luck to you!
this was the big turning point of my life for the worse. because i didnt really hang out with this group of people other then school i didnt have thier phone numbers we didnt use facebook / myspace. so i basicly lost 95% of my friends which was one of the most depressing things thats ever happend to me. i pretty much wasted away all of my highschool years with drugs so i had no the credits of a first semister freshman as a senior in high school. when they expelled me the dean of discipline and school councilor told me i have a drug problem. i didnt believe them they gave me a bunch of drug classes and made me go to therapy and c if i didnt want be kicked out the school district too.
i never went to the drug classes. and when i got back into the school system they put me in this special alternative of like 10 kids that were all even bigger druggies then i was at that time. most of which had just gotten out of juvenile hall. the guy to the right of me had just gotten out for attempted murder. and the girl to the left of me had gotten out 4 months prior for being in a cop chase and having a small amount of heroin in her car. this class although it was very easy and i as finally earning credits like a should have unfortunatly lead me into what i really would call the drug addiction i have now. because it was only 4 hours of school of week and most of those kids didnt have jobs and had no where important to be ever we would get stoned as after school together. wed all get so high that my walk home would feel like it was 3 hours even though it was just 1.
i cant believe i never realized how bad i have became of a person in so little time its been over 4 years since i got into drugs and ive already overdosed, been partly responsible for somebody die ( i cried when she died she was good person and she died because i used her as a tool to help my friend make a profit, she lost her life so my homie could make 30 bucks. and if we didnt rip her off it would have only costed her 20 bucks to overdose), got suspended and expelled from school, got addicted, and turned into a small time thief and dealer.
i should feel more guilty then i do i mean ive gotten a few people addicted off my oxy including myself. im a such horrible person i thought all along through high school and collage i can finally be happy and enjoy life alot more after i started using drugs, but it hasnt done anything but make me worse in the end. i used to feel like **** emotionally before drugs but now that im pretty much addicted to opiates i feel like **** emotionally and physically cuz ive messed up my liver so much. i mean ive bled 4 times in past week when i used restroom.
when they forced me into therapy so i could stay in school i wish i told him all of this i wish i told him the truth but now its kinda of to late for therapy i think he ways a shrink actually though not therapist but w/e. i refused to tell him anything other then that i was forced to see him. i made him talk about himself i asked him questions whole time so he couldnt ask me many.
after like 3 that alternative 8 person classrom full of ex juvy kids i got out of and got into continuation school and was there until november because i graduated late. i wish i was still at that school it was so much better then my life is now because the way i live now i hardly socialize with people anymore. but that 3rd high school i went to ended up being what got me truely addicted for the most party berfore my continuation highschool i was only doing xtc weed mostly with the occasion acid or shroom trip so i could explore my mind but while i was at the continuation my friend told me how the oxy's my mom had tons of were great for making you fall asleep when you want to and he said there also really really run. he was right it went from being a late night fun version of a sleep pill to. to being pill chewing occasionally shooting junky in only like 8-13 months. only reason i didnt smoke the oxys was cuz that way i could keep smoking my weed as the pills kicked in more and more.
ive never wrote this much in my life honestly not even for any of my classes. i feels sooo good to let out all the things ive kepts bottled up inside of me for 12-13 years. i just hope i can get my act together soon before i start have to do dangerous things like mass cold water extractions of pills just to avoid a withdrawl. and if you read actually read all of this thank you and i hope this wasnt to boring. i still looking for somebody will to just 1 on 1 chat with me whos been through similar things before that would be really really nice.
i never went to the drug classes. and when i got back into the school system they put me in this special alternative of like 10 kids that were all even bigger druggies then i was at that time. most of which had just gotten out of juvenile hall. the guy to the right of me had just gotten out for attempted murder. and the girl to the left of me had gotten out 4 months prior for being in a cop chase and having a small amount of heroin in her car. this class although it was very easy and i as finally earning credits like a should have unfortunatly lead me into what i really would call the drug addiction i have now. because it was only 4 hours of school of week and most of those kids didnt have jobs and had no where important to be ever we would get stoned as after school together. wed all get so high that my walk home would feel like it was 3 hours even though it was just 1.
i cant believe i never realized how bad i have became of a person in so little time its been over 4 years since i got into drugs and ive already overdosed, been partly responsible for somebody die ( i cried when she died she was good person and she died because i used her as a tool to help my friend make a profit, she lost her life so my homie could make 30 bucks. and if we didnt rip her off it would have only costed her 20 bucks to overdose), got suspended and expelled from school, got addicted, and turned into a small time thief and dealer.
i should feel more guilty then i do i mean ive gotten a few people addicted off my oxy including myself. im a such horrible person i thought all along through high school and collage i can finally be happy and enjoy life alot more after i started using drugs, but it hasnt done anything but make me worse in the end. i used to feel like **** emotionally before drugs but now that im pretty much addicted to opiates i feel like **** emotionally and physically cuz ive messed up my liver so much. i mean ive bled 4 times in past week when i used restroom.
when they forced me into therapy so i could stay in school i wish i told him all of this i wish i told him the truth but now its kinda of to late for therapy i think he ways a shrink actually though not therapist but w/e. i refused to tell him anything other then that i was forced to see him. i made him talk about himself i asked him questions whole time so he couldnt ask me many.
after like 3 that alternative 8 person classrom full of ex juvy kids i got out of and got into continuation school and was there until november because i graduated late. i wish i was still at that school it was so much better then my life is now because the way i live now i hardly socialize with people anymore. but that 3rd high school i went to ended up being what got me truely addicted for the most party berfore my continuation highschool i was only doing xtc weed mostly with the occasion acid or shroom trip so i could explore my mind but while i was at the continuation my friend told me how the oxy's my mom had tons of were great for making you fall asleep when you want to and he said there also really really run. he was right it went from being a late night fun version of a sleep pill to. to being pill chewing occasionally shooting junky in only like 8-13 months. only reason i didnt smoke the oxys was cuz that way i could keep smoking my weed as the pills kicked in more and more.
ive never wrote this much in my life honestly not even for any of my classes. i feels sooo good to let out all the things ive kepts bottled up inside of me for 12-13 years. i just hope i can get my act together soon before i start have to do dangerous things like mass cold water extractions of pills just to avoid a withdrawl. and if you read actually read all of this thank you and i hope this wasnt to boring. i still looking for somebody will to just 1 on 1 chat with me whos been through similar things before that would be really really nice.
that was sooo hard to watch. and that lasted like 3 weeks and then she ended up hating that guy. so i figured i would wait 3 days to let her feel better about what happened with that boyfriend. then within a day she got another. she started changing way she acted. she went from emo-ish / punk to dressing like all the other girls at school which kind of made me angry because she talked so much about being herself and then one day she became a different person. she started walking and talking different to basically became a different person. i was then that the only girl i ever felt attracted to in my whole life i had realized was no longer the very pretty girl that understood and felt like i knew soooo well. she actually got a bit uglier from too much make up after she completely switch personalities or at least started pretending like she was a different person. at that point she still liked me and for about 3 months we still were basiclly best friends and she asked me out and so i told her that i no longer felt attracted to her because she changed so much. i told her i was fine with the old her and that she didnt have to completely shange everything about herself to get people at school to accept who she was. at this point we both had started making lots of friends. some of the friends she started hang out with were the drug crowd which i met through her. the first time i drank was with her and a kid i met through her at school.
i no longer had a the reputation of a complete loser. i wanted to still be friends with her because she was my best friend. i still liked her alot i just didnt want to be with her anymore. now looking back at that i really wish i had went for it anyways because ive never even kissed a girl and im 20. i no longer have any close friends that are girls and i dont have the social skills for getting a girlfriend which at my age everybody has already. i only heard of two girls after her who ever liked me but they were fat and boring i mean im not all about looks but i cannot be with somebody who is boring. even if there hot. not asking that girl out before she changed was sooo stupid of me. no that i dont have and good friends anymore that are girls and dont really know anything about what girls my age are into i wouldnt even know where to start. i know that no girl is going to want to be with some drug addicted bum who still lives with his mom has no job and failed at a cummunity collage.
later into freshman year that girl completely stopped talking to me she refused to acknowledge my existnce blocked my phone number even when i ended up with her in one of my classes when 2nd semister started she would act like she didnt even know who i was when she was told to hand out papers to the classmates when it was my papers she would say whos is (my name) that hurt my feelings i didnt try to hurt her and when she asked me out i said no in the nicest way i could. later she ended up moving because she got caught drunk at school.
by that time i started hanging out less and less with my funny but unpopular friends. (not unpopular as in uncool lots of people liked em they just werent a large group of friends) and more and more with the stoner crowd. when i had started hanging out with the stoner /drug crowd i finally felt like found the kinda of people i should have been hanging out with my whole life. they were funny very popular and almost everybody knew them. it was the first time in my life i was hanging out with people that were very popular and fun to be around. unlike some people honestly didnt start using drugs to fit in or from peer pressure. i tried them as a freshman because they sounded like so much fun AND THEY WERE! by the time i was smoking pot daily before and after and druring school i felt like trying the drugs that i kept hear were even better. with weed i felt true truely happy for the first time ever, it made school go by faster. i never gave a **** about school all through it i think my average grade from kindergarden to collage was an F the only reason i never got help back was because i did good on all the big tests. i had the second worst grades of anybody i had ever met and i really didnt care.
at this point all i really cared about was making more and more friends and staying high off weed all the time. my grades managed to get even worse i was late and ditched certain periods alot. right around start of sophmore year i finally upgraded from weed and to XTC and every bit of lunch money and spare money i came across had started to be spent only on drugs (that still hasnt chnged been 4 years and the only thing ive spent any cash on besides drugs is 3 or 4 xbox 360 games out of well over 5k dollars in total thats ive gotten) i reached point with xtc where id take more then one at once and even chew them and smoke a few bowls right before i came into classes.
by late junior year had came around i felt happy even when i wasnt high i felt like i was cool for once granted i wasnt hanging out with most of my stoner friends or partying after school because my mom is so controlling and doesnt trust me with anything or anyone. it was the first time i felt truly truly happy without needing a drug to make me. later that year had that whole OD story happen which caused me to loose alot of my friends and alot of people still dont look at me the same way as they used to after.
then 2 weeks into senior year me and the very very large group of kids that always got together in the morning and got stoned since sophomore year had a rat i the group. what sucked was i was only person to get expelled and all i was was really really high that day i didnt even have anything on me. everybody else just got suspended the they were the ones with weed but they told me that they were told by alot of people whove gotten in trouble at the school that i was the person that got alot of the people at the school into drugs. which might be true because there was a girl who was really interested about drugs and i told her how much i liked drugs and how much better they had made my life. i never sold to that girl but she ended up overdosing about 5 months after i was talking to her about it alot. im not sure if god would think im guilty of killing her but i felt horrible about it. i was partially responsile for a sweet girl overdosing. i told her how awesome xtc was and shortly after she found some people who willing sell it to her. i never sold to anybody i didnt know i was smart about that had i sold to her id probally be in big trouble. shortly before she overdosed her parents asked which of her friends got her into drugs. she was stupid enough to tell her parents i got her into drugs. so i got mega questions by a cop at school and by the dean and everything fortunatly under my circumstances i didnt break any laws.
i no longer had a the reputation of a complete loser. i wanted to still be friends with her because she was my best friend. i still liked her alot i just didnt want to be with her anymore. now looking back at that i really wish i had went for it anyways because ive never even kissed a girl and im 20. i no longer have any close friends that are girls and i dont have the social skills for getting a girlfriend which at my age everybody has already. i only heard of two girls after her who ever liked me but they were fat and boring i mean im not all about looks but i cannot be with somebody who is boring. even if there hot. not asking that girl out before she changed was sooo stupid of me. no that i dont have and good friends anymore that are girls and dont really know anything about what girls my age are into i wouldnt even know where to start. i know that no girl is going to want to be with some drug addicted bum who still lives with his mom has no job and failed at a cummunity collage.
later into freshman year that girl completely stopped talking to me she refused to acknowledge my existnce blocked my phone number even when i ended up with her in one of my classes when 2nd semister started she would act like she didnt even know who i was when she was told to hand out papers to the classmates when it was my papers she would say whos is (my name) that hurt my feelings i didnt try to hurt her and when she asked me out i said no in the nicest way i could. later she ended up moving because she got caught drunk at school.
by that time i started hanging out less and less with my funny but unpopular friends. (not unpopular as in uncool lots of people liked em they just werent a large group of friends) and more and more with the stoner crowd. when i had started hanging out with the stoner /drug crowd i finally felt like found the kinda of people i should have been hanging out with my whole life. they were funny very popular and almost everybody knew them. it was the first time in my life i was hanging out with people that were very popular and fun to be around. unlike some people honestly didnt start using drugs to fit in or from peer pressure. i tried them as a freshman because they sounded like so much fun AND THEY WERE! by the time i was smoking pot daily before and after and druring school i felt like trying the drugs that i kept hear were even better. with weed i felt true truely happy for the first time ever, it made school go by faster. i never gave a **** about school all through it i think my average grade from kindergarden to collage was an F the only reason i never got help back was because i did good on all the big tests. i had the second worst grades of anybody i had ever met and i really didnt care.
at this point all i really cared about was making more and more friends and staying high off weed all the time. my grades managed to get even worse i was late and ditched certain periods alot. right around start of sophmore year i finally upgraded from weed and to XTC and every bit of lunch money and spare money i came across had started to be spent only on drugs (that still hasnt chnged been 4 years and the only thing ive spent any cash on besides drugs is 3 or 4 xbox 360 games out of well over 5k dollars in total thats ive gotten) i reached point with xtc where id take more then one at once and even chew them and smoke a few bowls right before i came into classes.
by late junior year had came around i felt happy even when i wasnt high i felt like i was cool for once granted i wasnt hanging out with most of my stoner friends or partying after school because my mom is so controlling and doesnt trust me with anything or anyone. it was the first time i felt truly truly happy without needing a drug to make me. later that year had that whole OD story happen which caused me to loose alot of my friends and alot of people still dont look at me the same way as they used to after.
then 2 weeks into senior year me and the very very large group of kids that always got together in the morning and got stoned since sophomore year had a rat i the group. what sucked was i was only person to get expelled and all i was was really really high that day i didnt even have anything on me. everybody else just got suspended the they were the ones with weed but they told me that they were told by alot of people whove gotten in trouble at the school that i was the person that got alot of the people at the school into drugs. which might be true because there was a girl who was really interested about drugs and i told her how much i liked drugs and how much better they had made my life. i never sold to that girl but she ended up overdosing about 5 months after i was talking to her about it alot. im not sure if god would think im guilty of killing her but i felt horrible about it. i was partially responsile for a sweet girl overdosing. i told her how awesome xtc was and shortly after she found some people who willing sell it to her. i never sold to anybody i didnt know i was smart about that had i sold to her id probally be in big trouble. shortly before she overdosed her parents asked which of her friends got her into drugs. she was stupid enough to tell her parents i got her into drugs. so i got mega questions by a cop at school and by the dean and everything fortunatly under my circumstances i didnt break any laws.
my mom is very nice but had so many rules when i was little i never really got to be a normal kid. i was only allowed to talk to kids or hang out with kids if i showed her them first. i wasnt alowed to use the phone to talk to friends wasnt allowed on the computer to play games unless they were educational and we didnt have money for any game consoles because my mom was stay at home mom until my dad left and my dad never kept a job more then a week. basicaly everything i had interest in we didnt have money to afford i wanted to play hockey, i wanted to hang out with friends outside but my mom only approved with 1 kid for me to hang out with after school and we made really really good friends. in like 3rd grade when mom divorced my dad and i got to see him again i was happy my and my only real friend realy liked pokemon and i was happy i could see my dad again and we were gonna get to play pokemon game together and i was going to get my copy of it finally and have a gameboy to play i on my only really friend and i were happy finally wouldnt have to take turns playing it. i never could afford a bike or anything so i would use my friends stuff alot becuz he lived 1 house from me he became the brother and family i wish i was in really. then shortly after christmas came and never saw dad that day never heard or saw from him ever. i still have not. then our landlord kicked us out of house and we had to move into an apartment pretty far away.
so then i was almost 9 at time i had no friends and because my only true friend i really had was jewish and had lots of weird things he did because of that. i had no social skillz no body understood me and i didnt make any friends other then a couple but i think they were embarrassed by me and stopped hanging out with me at recess. so from then on up until 7 grade i had absolutely no real friends. when i hit fourth grade i knew for sure i wasnt going to have any ever again and i hated life i wanted to kill myself all the way up until probally 7th grade but the only thing that stopped me from doing it each time was that i had no rope to hang my self with and i knife sounded way to slow and painful and i chickened out every night.
so back to 4th grade i had pretty much givin up on getting friends by then. this is sooo hard to admit and makes me sound like the biggest loser who ever walked the earth. in 4th and 5th grade i was paying a guy my lunch money just to pretend to be my friend each day so i didnt look like i was completely alone all the time but he only woud sit near me at lunch when he finished eating he would go play soccer with his friends. i had so little fun at that point in my life i was dirt poor had nothing to play with most my toys i was playing with were from when i was 4 and 5 still. i was so bored and miserable i found a way to have fun, i would annoy the living crap out of everybody at school to get back at them all making fun of me i was soooo stupid i did that up until late 6th grade. did things mostly for attention because i felt like a ghost all the time.i would do things like lick trees, eat bugs for quarters, even my teachers made fun of me. my 4th grade teacher made more fun of me then any of the kids in my class.
i was a very immature kid until i hit puberty. and i would still do things for attention occasionally up until 8th grade. in 7th grade i met a girl who a considered to be my 2nd real friend (my first friend from when i was little was long out of the picture by 4th grade) i mean i had more then just 2 friends by then just not ones that i felt comfortable with. this girl became everything to me i still had no social skillz tho i really really liked her and i couldnt find the balls to ask her out. he even told me she liked me and thought i was hot. she was a very good looking girl. she was the first person who thought i was good looking and actually the only one. she had as many emotional problems as me maybe more. i would dream about her and everthing. through her i met another friend who was a girl who became my 3rd real friend. the three of us would talk on phone all day everyday. i helped the one that i liked through so many problems she had. other people at school didnt like her they thought she was pretty but everybody thought she was a crazy emo girl because she cut her self.
she introduced me into cutting but i only did it once. i never could figure out the point. we understood each other though she knew i wasnt the most. i think i reach a point where i knew her better then i knew myself. i didnt tell her about alot of the bad things that happend in my life. just some of them and only the ones that most people at school knew about. like being picked on. i think i became borderline obsessed with her by the time i started highschool. when highschool started though she went into a mental institution and i already knew she was bisexual and she said she kissed her first girl there i didnt mind that all. in my head when she sad shes bisexual i was thinking that in future id probally have a threesome. well i had planned on asking her out finally after 2 years of not wanting to ask her out mainly because all the guys she was with only lasted 1 week. and i figured after the mental institution shed probally be emotionally healthy enough for me to be the boyfriend that stuck. i mean i was obsolutely in love with this girl and she had told me many times she liked me but right after mental institution when she got back. a guy asked her out an hour before i got to.
so then i was almost 9 at time i had no friends and because my only true friend i really had was jewish and had lots of weird things he did because of that. i had no social skillz no body understood me and i didnt make any friends other then a couple but i think they were embarrassed by me and stopped hanging out with me at recess. so from then on up until 7 grade i had absolutely no real friends. when i hit fourth grade i knew for sure i wasnt going to have any ever again and i hated life i wanted to kill myself all the way up until probally 7th grade but the only thing that stopped me from doing it each time was that i had no rope to hang my self with and i knife sounded way to slow and painful and i chickened out every night.
so back to 4th grade i had pretty much givin up on getting friends by then. this is sooo hard to admit and makes me sound like the biggest loser who ever walked the earth. in 4th and 5th grade i was paying a guy my lunch money just to pretend to be my friend each day so i didnt look like i was completely alone all the time but he only woud sit near me at lunch when he finished eating he would go play soccer with his friends. i had so little fun at that point in my life i was dirt poor had nothing to play with most my toys i was playing with were from when i was 4 and 5 still. i was so bored and miserable i found a way to have fun, i would annoy the living crap out of everybody at school to get back at them all making fun of me i was soooo stupid i did that up until late 6th grade. did things mostly for attention because i felt like a ghost all the time.i would do things like lick trees, eat bugs for quarters, even my teachers made fun of me. my 4th grade teacher made more fun of me then any of the kids in my class.
i was a very immature kid until i hit puberty. and i would still do things for attention occasionally up until 8th grade. in 7th grade i met a girl who a considered to be my 2nd real friend (my first friend from when i was little was long out of the picture by 4th grade) i mean i had more then just 2 friends by then just not ones that i felt comfortable with. this girl became everything to me i still had no social skillz tho i really really liked her and i couldnt find the balls to ask her out. he even told me she liked me and thought i was hot. she was a very good looking girl. she was the first person who thought i was good looking and actually the only one. she had as many emotional problems as me maybe more. i would dream about her and everthing. through her i met another friend who was a girl who became my 3rd real friend. the three of us would talk on phone all day everyday. i helped the one that i liked through so many problems she had. other people at school didnt like her they thought she was pretty but everybody thought she was a crazy emo girl because she cut her self.
she introduced me into cutting but i only did it once. i never could figure out the point. we understood each other though she knew i wasnt the most. i think i reach a point where i knew her better then i knew myself. i didnt tell her about alot of the bad things that happend in my life. just some of them and only the ones that most people at school knew about. like being picked on. i think i became borderline obsessed with her by the time i started highschool. when highschool started though she went into a mental institution and i already knew she was bisexual and she said she kissed her first girl there i didnt mind that all. in my head when she sad shes bisexual i was thinking that in future id probally have a threesome. well i had planned on asking her out finally after 2 years of not wanting to ask her out mainly because all the guys she was with only lasted 1 week. and i figured after the mental institution shed probally be emotionally healthy enough for me to be the boyfriend that stuck. i mean i was obsolutely in love with this girl and she had told me many times she liked me but right after mental institution when she got back. a guy asked her out an hour before i got to.
when ever i think about the things that make me feel embarresed or extremely extremely depressed within about 5 seconds of thinking about them my body has like a big jolt of energy and immidiately focuses on something else that is extremely random. ive been like that as long as i can remember. its an actualy physical like jolt. its hard to explain its like my whole body either like moves all my muscles and 70% of those phsical jolts ill very quickly say something loud which is usually sumthing like calling my dog or cats to come to me. sometimes i like say a whole sentence and its so embarrassing when i this happens in front of family or friends. ive had a friend ask me if i was skitzo once because my whole body like semi jumped in front of him because i thought about my dad telling me hed come and see me on christmas with gifts and i was so excited because i never had gotten a gift from him before. i was 8 i think at time and it was the 2nd day of the two days that i saw him. he abandoned me when i was like 2 or 3 or 4 and i really didnt even know whathis name was or even what he looked like till he came back for that 2 day weekend. i was so happy i was finally getting to have my dad again. and my mom only got me 1 gift thinking that dad would get me lots of nice gift and she had no money really.
i was supossed to get a gameboy and pokemon game i loved that game when i played it on friends gameboys. i waited and counted down days so i could see my dad again finally and get the coolest gift i ever could have wanted at the time. it was the most anticipation i probally had as a kid. i feel ashamed to same that when i have an oxy in my hand its the only time and thing that can make me that exited and anticipated as those days waiting to have my dad and awesome gift. well my dad never came for christmas my only gift that day was a hand me down shirt. i never heard from my dad or seen him or even heard whats going on with him since probally worst day of my life other then when i ODed. i dont cry about it either i dont feel any emotions about things like that anymore because when i do like my subconscious brain kinda forces my whole body to move usually i jerk my head facing the other direction. and like all my muscles clench up in a jolt and i say something i didnt even plan on saying. my friend that day when he asked me what i just did and laughed and asked me if i was skitzo i told him no. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT REALLY IS THOUGH?
that body jolt muscle clench yell thing happens when i think of lots of thinks that either embarresed me or completely changed the way a fel emotionally. theres even things i kinda of remember but are not sure if they happend or maybe i just filled in blanks i dont remember.
my dad is probally my biggest issure immotionally i want him back soo bad even though he lied to me abandoned me twice. and was never a father even when he did live with me. i have only a handful of memories of him and the one i think of the most is one im to afraid to ask my mom about ive actually never told this to anybody so writing this memory will right now be the first time ive ever mentioned it to anybody. very hard to talk bout this.
it must have been when i was like 3 its also i think the most detailed memory i have of my dad. i cant ask my mom about my dad because she will do anything she can to avoid talking about him. my dad and i were in the shower because my dad said our bathtub broke or something like that i dont remember 100%. i think i asked him why his penis was so big or he showed me it i REALLY dont know what it was exactly. i remember it perfectly as like video in my head but i dont remember any of the exact wordings. i touched his penis or he told me to or i asked to i really am not sure. all i know is whatever happend in the shower was discusting. i remember dad and i would take showers together in the morning i think he kept the showers a secret from my mom because i remember mom asking my dad if he gave me a baths a bunch of times and he would say yes but it really was a shower and in a different bathroom. i know for a fact my dad and i were in a shower and there was something to do with his penis everytime i think he and i talked about it but i to remember feeling it too i just dont remember in what way and that it happend multiple times i dont remember how many but definatly more then one. i 100% remember one day me and him were in the shower and my mom had i disgusted look on her face and yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and my mom and dad got in a huge huge fight. my mom and him never got along after that day. and it must have been not long after that my dad left for work and didnt come back until i was 8 and my mom was doing the divorce.
my mom told me stories of my dad and how crazy he was the only stories shes ever been willing to tell me are
- when my dad through the cat of our balcony when i was little becuz it scratched him and it dieing a month later.
-the stories of how my dad would have psychotic ramblings that he would talk she told me that he would be watching TV and talk to the TV as he watched it and acted as if i was answering his questions. he was bipolar and skitzo tho. and he often would be drooling from his mouth and refused to take his medication becuz he didnt believe in the meds he was on.
-i also remember my dad needing money one day. i had a really cool piggie bank that i saved all my allowance in for my whole life never spent it then one day dad needed money and he came in with a hammer and broke it i begged him not to and tried to stop him but i was pushed down and he took like almost 80 bucks from me. i refused to save up any money for toys after that day up until i was around 12 i never saved my monthly allowance for anything expensive i wanted i would by like a 4 dollar toy each month becuz i thought my mom mught take my money and i never put it in a piggy bank either bicause when my dad broke my piggie bank he didnt pick up the sharp ceramic shards on floor and i had lots of cuts on foot that day. so after that i put my money in a droor.
i was supossed to get a gameboy and pokemon game i loved that game when i played it on friends gameboys. i waited and counted down days so i could see my dad again finally and get the coolest gift i ever could have wanted at the time. it was the most anticipation i probally had as a kid. i feel ashamed to same that when i have an oxy in my hand its the only time and thing that can make me that exited and anticipated as those days waiting to have my dad and awesome gift. well my dad never came for christmas my only gift that day was a hand me down shirt. i never heard from my dad or seen him or even heard whats going on with him since probally worst day of my life other then when i ODed. i dont cry about it either i dont feel any emotions about things like that anymore because when i do like my subconscious brain kinda forces my whole body to move usually i jerk my head facing the other direction. and like all my muscles clench up in a jolt and i say something i didnt even plan on saying. my friend that day when he asked me what i just did and laughed and asked me if i was skitzo i told him no. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT REALLY IS THOUGH?
that body jolt muscle clench yell thing happens when i think of lots of thinks that either embarresed me or completely changed the way a fel emotionally. theres even things i kinda of remember but are not sure if they happend or maybe i just filled in blanks i dont remember.
my dad is probally my biggest issure immotionally i want him back soo bad even though he lied to me abandoned me twice. and was never a father even when he did live with me. i have only a handful of memories of him and the one i think of the most is one im to afraid to ask my mom about ive actually never told this to anybody so writing this memory will right now be the first time ive ever mentioned it to anybody. very hard to talk bout this.
it must have been when i was like 3 its also i think the most detailed memory i have of my dad. i cant ask my mom about my dad because she will do anything she can to avoid talking about him. my dad and i were in the shower because my dad said our bathtub broke or something like that i dont remember 100%. i think i asked him why his penis was so big or he showed me it i REALLY dont know what it was exactly. i remember it perfectly as like video in my head but i dont remember any of the exact wordings. i touched his penis or he told me to or i asked to i really am not sure. all i know is whatever happend in the shower was discusting. i remember dad and i would take showers together in the morning i think he kept the showers a secret from my mom because i remember mom asking my dad if he gave me a baths a bunch of times and he would say yes but it really was a shower and in a different bathroom. i know for a fact my dad and i were in a shower and there was something to do with his penis everytime i think he and i talked about it but i to remember feeling it too i just dont remember in what way and that it happend multiple times i dont remember how many but definatly more then one. i 100% remember one day me and him were in the shower and my mom had i disgusted look on her face and yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and my mom and dad got in a huge huge fight. my mom and him never got along after that day. and it must have been not long after that my dad left for work and didnt come back until i was 8 and my mom was doing the divorce.
my mom told me stories of my dad and how crazy he was the only stories shes ever been willing to tell me are
- when my dad through the cat of our balcony when i was little becuz it scratched him and it dieing a month later.
-the stories of how my dad would have psychotic ramblings that he would talk she told me that he would be watching TV and talk to the TV as he watched it and acted as if i was answering his questions. he was bipolar and skitzo tho. and he often would be drooling from his mouth and refused to take his medication becuz he didnt believe in the meds he was on.
-i also remember my dad needing money one day. i had a really cool piggie bank that i saved all my allowance in for my whole life never spent it then one day dad needed money and he came in with a hammer and broke it i begged him not to and tried to stop him but i was pushed down and he took like almost 80 bucks from me. i refused to save up any money for toys after that day up until i was around 12 i never saved my monthly allowance for anything expensive i wanted i would by like a 4 dollar toy each month becuz i thought my mom mught take my money and i never put it in a piggy bank either bicause when my dad broke my piggie bank he didnt pick up the sharp ceramic shards on floor and i had lots of cuts on foot that day. so after that i put my money in a droor.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
