Aa
beyond help
I'm a 40yr old mom of 2 teenagers. Addict for 10. I take an obscene amount of vics. I need help. I've alienated everyone, husband left 3 weeks ago, and no where to turn. My addiction has destroyed my life in every way possible. The physical damage is bad too. I need to get off these pills. Anyone who can help? I can't go to rehab so anyone who was a bad addict who was able to get thru I'd love some advice. This sounds mean but I need someone who really abused them not someone who was a "light addict". I am probably the worst case ever. The number is obscene. Please if anyone can help, I don't want to die.
Hey lost (hopefully we can change that name soon, huh?) So glad you posted. I cannot say what I am about to say strongly enough. Everyone and I mean everyone that when it's gotten so bad that they take a leap and post here, thinks he or she is the WORST addict ever. Someone above me said it: there is no "light addict" or heavy. We all just got addicted to these effin opiates and we didn't mean to. That's it. We are all the same. I know a girl who took 100 hundred opiates a day. So, none of that matters kay? No one on here will judge you, so please feel safe and free to say anything. It's not possible to shock anyone of us, trust me!:)
Yay for you for telling your "secret". Freeing, isn't it? That's probably why you are sobbing: relief. And you can have more of that if you trust. Trust that you do not know how anyone will react (family members) when you tell them. I've heard so many people terrified of telling their "secret" and their loved ones react much much better than they expected. But, please, the secret is what keeps us on the horrid merry go-round. We are so full of shame, self-disgust, and fear that nothing changes. Tell this to your Dr. an AA or NA member, a good friend. Just get it out.
We can walk you through the detox step by step. It seems the most fear for people is the ANTICIPATION rather than the detox itself. Yeah, detox blows but there is no way we can get around that one. If you are only on opiates (no benzos, or alcohol) then detox is yuck but you will not die. You will just feel like you have a bad flu. And flu's pass, don't they?
Oh, please also read as many of the other posts on here as you can: so many saying the exact same thing as you. I promise you, you are so so NOT unique in this aspect!:)
Keep posting!
Yay for you for telling your "secret". Freeing, isn't it? That's probably why you are sobbing: relief. And you can have more of that if you trust. Trust that you do not know how anyone will react (family members) when you tell them. I've heard so many people terrified of telling their "secret" and their loved ones react much much better than they expected. But, please, the secret is what keeps us on the horrid merry go-round. We are so full of shame, self-disgust, and fear that nothing changes. Tell this to your Dr. an AA or NA member, a good friend. Just get it out.
We can walk you through the detox step by step. It seems the most fear for people is the ANTICIPATION rather than the detox itself. Yeah, detox blows but there is no way we can get around that one. If you are only on opiates (no benzos, or alcohol) then detox is yuck but you will not die. You will just feel like you have a bad flu. And flu's pass, don't they?
Oh, please also read as many of the other posts on here as you can: so many saying the exact same thing as you. I promise you, you are so so NOT unique in this aspect!:)
Keep posting!
Ok. I totally understand that you are scared and you feel your family won't be supportive and that's a damn shame. But I ALSO have a hard time believing that they don't know or suspect. I know when I was using that high dosage there was NO WAY people didn't know what was going on with me. I could pass it off cause I had legit pain and medical issues and could just say "I'm going through a bad pain flare right now. I'm on lots of drugs".
So no family support, how about NA? It's free and you don't have to be clean to go, only have a desire to get clean. You may meet someone at the meeting that can be a real life support for you (not that we're not real life support but there's only so much we can do for you over the internet (: )
As for the Clonidine- it really MUST be prescribed by a doctor. You can go to a clinic, or the ER if you don't have a GP and say "I am an opiate addict that needs to get clean. Please help me." They will not turn you away. Listen, I know this scares the sh*T out of you, but the only way to get clean and stay clean is to COME clean and admit you have a problem and ask for help.
You will be amazed at the love and support that will come from all different directions. I'm sorry this is your families view on addiction- but many people understand that addiction is a disease. Like cancer. You didn't ask for it but you're in it now and you are the only one that can do anything to change it. The only way to do this is to surrender and admit you no longer have the power to control your use of drugs and YOU NEED HELP. Being an addict does not make you a bad person, or a failure, or unworthy of love and compassion. It makes you a human being in need of support.
Just do what you did here but to people face to face.
I know you are scared but I pinky swear promise you it will be okay. Maybe not right away, or for a few weeks, but slowly it will get better.
You must take the leap of faith and know that the net will appear.
Lu
So no family support, how about NA? It's free and you don't have to be clean to go, only have a desire to get clean. You may meet someone at the meeting that can be a real life support for you (not that we're not real life support but there's only so much we can do for you over the internet (: )
As for the Clonidine- it really MUST be prescribed by a doctor. You can go to a clinic, or the ER if you don't have a GP and say "I am an opiate addict that needs to get clean. Please help me." They will not turn you away. Listen, I know this scares the sh*T out of you, but the only way to get clean and stay clean is to COME clean and admit you have a problem and ask for help.
You will be amazed at the love and support that will come from all different directions. I'm sorry this is your families view on addiction- but many people understand that addiction is a disease. Like cancer. You didn't ask for it but you're in it now and you are the only one that can do anything to change it. The only way to do this is to surrender and admit you no longer have the power to control your use of drugs and YOU NEED HELP. Being an addict does not make you a bad person, or a failure, or unworthy of love and compassion. It makes you a human being in need of support.
Just do what you did here but to people face to face.
I know you are scared but I pinky swear promise you it will be okay. Maybe not right away, or for a few weeks, but slowly it will get better.
You must take the leap of faith and know that the net will appear.
Lu
Just want to clarify something. I have been taking the drugs for 10yrs. I said in a later post 8yrs. The reason being is I didn't really think I had a "problem" the first few years. It's started getting to be a bigger problem after a couple of years. But being honest with myself now, it's been a problem for 10 years. It's not doing me any good to lie so.... I've been an addict for 10yrs.
I really think your family would support you if they knew you were trying to better yourself for your kids and them. families usually come together when one of their own is wounded.i would at the very least have a friend who could check in with me. someone is usually on this site 24/7 so you will have a place to communicate with people who can support you. keep the faith and take your detox one hour or one day at the time,do not get discouraged you will only be the better for it on the other side.each day will be better and better. don,t look back you can do this! peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU EVERYONE SO FAR! I can't believe after 8yrs of being an addict, (and spiraling down a hole that reaches the center of the earth by now) that there is a way back out! I've been in darkness so very long that I forget what light looks like. I love my kids, I really truely do, but my drugs come first in my life. I don't want that any more. My family thinks that people who do drugs are selfish and their kids should be taken away from them. Shouldn't have started using in first place, get what u deserve so on and so forth. But they don't understand the chain that holds u is so strong, that it's not just such a black and white situation. Finally I found someone (u guys) who understand. I want out of this dark, lonely, painful place. For the first time in a long time, I have a flicker of hope. Even if I'm not sucessful, I want to thank u all today. For making me feel, for the first time in years, not completely alone. I'm not even sure what to do with this emotion, bcuz I forgot what it felt like. I'm sitting here sobbing bcuz I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you
No one except my ex knows. My kids just think I'm always cranky and never want to do anything. Unfortunately, ex is not going to help me. I really don't have anyone else except u guys now.
Hi beautiful lady, fortunantly for you, every single one of us, is a BAD addict. We are only here because our drug usage has destroyed our life and anything we loved. So you are definantly talking to heavy, heavy users, or were heavy, heavy users : )
Nobody, is beyond help and its never too late for even the worst of us.
Most of us have children where inpatient was not an option.
We all came here with no hope, and im 7+ months clean from opiates.
We can give you love, understanding, compassion and a shoulder to cry and lean on whenever you need us.
No, its not too late for you ok ?
Many of us have succeeded through this site and a recovery program.
We can help you, so stay with us and dont ever give up, because we have faith in you Maria xoxo
Nobody, is beyond help and its never too late for even the worst of us.
Most of us have children where inpatient was not an option.
We all came here with no hope, and im 7+ months clean from opiates.
We can give you love, understanding, compassion and a shoulder to cry and lean on whenever you need us.
No, its not too late for you ok ?
Many of us have succeeded through this site and a recovery program.
We can help you, so stay with us and dont ever give up, because we have faith in you Maria xoxo
I can get ahold of the clonidine w/o a dr. Any recommendations on the amount? What did u take and how often? I am going to try and do this while my kids go away for a week with their grandma. I'm hoping to get thru the worst with no one finding out. No one knows except ex and I can't face the shame by telling anyone else. With u guys here, I won't have 2 b alone during what I expect to be hell-week. My only other medical condition is panic attacks but haven't had one in months and don't take the Ativan any longer. I'm a little scared 2 take the vitamin L-Tyrosine every1 keeps saying really helps bcuz of the rapid heartbeats. This all just feels so overwhelming! I know i should seek medical supervision but then my secret would be out and what little life i have left will b shattered. My family would not be supportive. It would be "we love u but want nothing 2 do with u now. Once they look at u with shame and lose respect, they never seem to 4get. I'm still "shamed" from having 2 kids out of wedlock-that was 17yrs ago. So alone I will have to do this. I'm scared!
Welcome to the forum girl~ Please believe this....YOU ARE NOT BEYOND HOPE...no, no, no NEVER....OK??? I relate to your posts in SO MANY ways, i.e., thought I could die from detox, HEAVY hydrocodone user, suicidal thinking and ready to give it all up.
I didn't find this forum until I was already 55 days into it so you've already got one up on me (LOL)....but I, too, had "heard" that you could die from detox. That's not true unless you have other pre-existing health issues that could pose a risk....I don't know where? I heard that....but it's NOT true.
(as you can see from all of us still here...LOL)
First, let me say that there are still some people out there that call drugs by their brand name and don't realize that Norcos, Vicodin, Lortab, etc are ALL the same drug....the actaminophen levels may differ...but the addicting part of the drug...the narcotic....is the VERY SAME = Hydrocodone.
At my VERY WORST....I got myself up to 30 pills/day. I was blowing thru my script, my hubby's script and buying off the street spending money we didn't have to spend. My mind was so muddled on the drugs.....I, too, thought....I'm scared to quit....I'm scared NOT to quit....so I may as well just end this head game....but a God that loves me VERY MUCH saw me thru.
You have a lot of life ahead of you...you have two beautiful teenage children that have lost the mom they once knew. You have lost a man that could no longer ride the merry-go-round with you....because he had to love himself enough to get off the ride.
You ABSOLUTELY CAN DO THIS!!! Read and read and read posts on this forum....old ones and new ones. Make a plan....get stocked up with detox supplies....and plan some time for feeling really sick. I began on June 6th 2012 cutting back from my 30/day and by June 21st got myself down to 10/day. I had my head in such a panic stricken state that I was shoving other meds in my mouth during the 2 hrs when I "knew" I wasn't suppose to take my hydro! Bad, bad deal for me. I ended up with seratonin syndrome and wacked my central nervous system out even more than necessary....I was SUCH a mess when I finally quit. I made it to the other side....and you can too. Please soak up ALL you can from these marvelous people here on MH. In some ways, I wished I had found MH before I quit....then on the other hand....I wasn't full of fear about what "could" happen because I wasn't "what if-ing myself to death". So there is good in everything....we just have to find it....hang on....and GO FOR IT.
You'll never be sorry....and when you get thru the worst of the physical...you'll wonder why you waited so long to do it~
I didn't find this forum until I was already 55 days into it so you've already got one up on me (LOL)....but I, too, had "heard" that you could die from detox. That's not true unless you have other pre-existing health issues that could pose a risk....I don't know where? I heard that....but it's NOT true.
(as you can see from all of us still here...LOL)
First, let me say that there are still some people out there that call drugs by their brand name and don't realize that Norcos, Vicodin, Lortab, etc are ALL the same drug....the actaminophen levels may differ...but the addicting part of the drug...the narcotic....is the VERY SAME = Hydrocodone.
At my VERY WORST....I got myself up to 30 pills/day. I was blowing thru my script, my hubby's script and buying off the street spending money we didn't have to spend. My mind was so muddled on the drugs.....I, too, thought....I'm scared to quit....I'm scared NOT to quit....so I may as well just end this head game....but a God that loves me VERY MUCH saw me thru.
You have a lot of life ahead of you...you have two beautiful teenage children that have lost the mom they once knew. You have lost a man that could no longer ride the merry-go-round with you....because he had to love himself enough to get off the ride.
You ABSOLUTELY CAN DO THIS!!! Read and read and read posts on this forum....old ones and new ones. Make a plan....get stocked up with detox supplies....and plan some time for feeling really sick. I began on June 6th 2012 cutting back from my 30/day and by June 21st got myself down to 10/day. I had my head in such a panic stricken state that I was shoving other meds in my mouth during the 2 hrs when I "knew" I wasn't suppose to take my hydro! Bad, bad deal for me. I ended up with seratonin syndrome and wacked my central nervous system out even more than necessary....I was SUCH a mess when I finally quit. I made it to the other side....and you can too. Please soak up ALL you can from these marvelous people here on MH. In some ways, I wished I had found MH before I quit....then on the other hand....I wasn't full of fear about what "could" happen because I wasn't "what if-ing myself to death". So there is good in everything....we just have to find it....hang on....and GO FOR IT.
You'll never be sorry....and when you get thru the worst of the physical...you'll wonder why you waited so long to do it~
Also. Don't go through this alone. Is there anyone you can confide in? How old are your teenagers? My guess is they already know and it would give them great comfort if you were like
"Here's the deal guys. Mom's an addict. She's sick. She is ready to get well but she's gonna have to go through some pretty tough sh*t before that can happen. And she needs your help."
If you get the clonidine, and all the detox aids (minus the benzos) from the Thomas Recipe, expect it to be like the very worst flu you have ever had. Be glad that you're doing it in the summer. I detoxed in December and was so cold I thought THAT would kill me alone (:
So- do you think your kids can help you? Do you have any other friends or family that you can reach out to? I know that you're scared, and you feel you've alienated everyone- but people can tell when we're truly done and really need help- and it sounds like to me that you are. I've been on this forum a long time (almost 3 years) and I swear I can hear when people are really done.
Please keep posting...
Lu
"Here's the deal guys. Mom's an addict. She's sick. She is ready to get well but she's gonna have to go through some pretty tough sh*t before that can happen. And she needs your help."
If you get the clonidine, and all the detox aids (minus the benzos) from the Thomas Recipe, expect it to be like the very worst flu you have ever had. Be glad that you're doing it in the summer. I detoxed in December and was so cold I thought THAT would kill me alone (:
So- do you think your kids can help you? Do you have any other friends or family that you can reach out to? I know that you're scared, and you feel you've alienated everyone- but people can tell when we're truly done and really need help- and it sounds like to me that you are. I've been on this forum a long time (almost 3 years) and I swear I can hear when people are really done.
Please keep posting...
Lu
Thank u for encouragement. I've read that u can die from detoxing on ur own. That terrifies me. Every aspect of my life is at its worst. On top of it all, fiancee of 10 years left 3 weeks ago, and due 2 addiction, he was the only person I had left in my life. I am a hermit basically. I am at the point of suicide with all my struggles, and I don't want to give in to that demon. Thank God I found this site, it was the last lifeline-I had no hope and u guys thru the preserver. I am probably going to be a pain in *** with constant posts but I am going to try to get myself back. And to answer ur question-and I've never told anyone this b4-but anywhere from 40-60 a day. The shame just saying it outloud is.....actually painful. Thank u for listening
an addict is an addict whether he takes 10 a day or 40 a day.if you truly want t quit. start preparations today. make a plan stock up on needed detox items. if possible allow yourself a few days to hole up and get this detox going. the items on the Thomas detox work well. check it out online. detox will not be that bad , I ffound the hardest part was that first step. in life sometimes we have to make leap of faith to accomplish anything worthwhile. its the same with addiction. theres no better time than now to make that leap.your not unique or better or worse than anyone else..an addict is an addict is an addict period.believe me when I say these guys here know exactly your going thru. lean on them if need some advice, peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are not beyond help as long as you have breath.
There is always hope.
Keep the faith.
There is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
There is always hope.
Keep the faith.
There is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
Hi Lostkymber.. Welcome to the forum. How many vics a day are you taking ? When I first came here I detoxed off soma and norco I was taking on average 25 to 30 a day. I was running 2 scripts.. The wd was not a cake walk but I had a very good attitude about it I was done and wanted to be Free very bad.. I did not sleep for 8 days I was confused for a few days and my emotions where all over the place.. Once the physical was over then the mental fight came but I fought that with camping outdoors. I spent the year I detoxed literally almost living outside. I think it gave me a advantage that it got the feel good endorphins working in my brain quicker as with camping there is a lot of work involved, It kept me very busy I also picked up the hobby of photography to help get me out as I was reclusive it also helped fill time that I would spend thinking of drugs. I received therapy. with out that I would not be in recovery today. we have to get to the root of why we used.. It is not just about stopping the drugs It goes way beyond that It is fixing our past our present.. We learn to live differently. like diets never work it is short term, diet.. It is a life change that makes the difference. We all can achieve this if we put in the work.. It is a life long maintenance of our disease addiction but it is achievable.. I hope you stay read you may find yourself in the heavy user and the light for as addicts we all are the same inside our heads.. I wish you well on your journey, lesa
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A warm welcome to you. I am so sorry for your suffering and I understand all too well the place you are in. I am so happy you came here, and so proud that you posted. I am sure there are some people who die from detox but they probably have pre-existing health conditions, do not follow a detox protocol, or are detoxing from another drug other than an opiate.
Opiate detox is very hard but it is doable.
I jumped off a fairly high dose of 100 mg oxy and 40 mg hydro- after tapering for nearly a year prior.
The number one detox life saver is Clonidine. It is a BP med commonly used in opiate detox. I've done two detoxes, the second with, and though I was on a MUCH higher dosage the second time, my detox was wwwwayyyyy easier. I was pretty messed up for a week. But I lived and felt so unbelievably happy to have myself back. My depression and desperation fled as the drugs left my system. I surrendered completely.
So- I would suggest getting a doc on board with you. Are you getting scrips or buying off the street?
Post here as much as you want. There will always be someone here day or night to give you support, cheer you on, or just hang with you while you are going through a rough spot.
You have courage girl. You can do this.
Lu