can you relate

i found this wonderful forum by pure accidient...i was looking up knee replacement compications...and lo and behold it had a link about hydro abuse...and i just had to read about that!! old old threads but the story was the same...how did you find this site?

the other thing im curious is how long did it take you to finally admitt you have a problem? i knew i had a problem for the last three years bit had so many surgeries that ressulted in constant contstant pain i couldnt let go of the pills...i justified my extreme use because of pain!! i felt all my doctors didnt get my pain levels..imagine every step you take feels like i have an ice pick shoved in your knees. i walked in pain from 06 and still walk in pain...yes i medically need medication..but my addiction is too big for me to control. and the only time im complety pain free is either when im sleeping..and my body wakes me up in pain...or im knocked out cold. from anethesia or super duper high amounts of oxycontin. how about you? when was your turning point? i mean the big one? the event that broke the camels back so to speak? mine was watching my new car get repoed. i knew my addiction was the result of my repo experience...yes im getting it back...but still logically speaking i shouldnt have lost it. i couldnt control my habbit. but what made you know you could never ever ever go back to that lifestyle?

another question....when or how long did it take for you to let go of the shame..embarassment..guilt of using? when did you finally forgive yourself? i feel so much better when my husband didn't blame or scream at me....when he said those precious words...we will get thru this..why didn't you come to me? why couldn't you talk to me?  i love you and want to help you...were a team. you should be able to tell me anything and everything.....im your husband. well true..but i also reminded him of his actions while abusing and detoxing....when i finally heard "i love you" and saw the expression and emotion behind the words i felt sooo much better...like i can accomplish anything again. i know that sounds stupid and corny. but that was a huge turning point...to know i can never ever take pills without supervision again. am i such a weak person? or can you relate?

[Dane74]

hey girl, i discovered this site when i googled opiate wd!!!!  My story is very similar  to yours.  All my pills were for legit pain for knee and hip replacements and my doc's just kept on feeding me these little pills that i have grown so in love with.   So for 15 plus years i have always been giving pills for pain and my life was just that pills and pills and high and higher and then BAM........ the dosage was not enough, i needed and wanted MORE and MORE and the WD"s would come everyday so i needed even more, but wait i have pain and its OK my doc is giving it to me.  ITs amazing how my mind can find an excuse to take a pill, my mind is freaking clever i only wish i had some control over it, because as of now it has complete control over me.  I justify it that hey its legal, my doc gives it to me, i need it, but really.....i cant live on these EVIL things my entire life, really i am scared SHITT what life is off of pills i saw it for 70 days and to be honest it was the worst 70 days of my life.  The depression was severe the anxiety was extreme, and i hated being sober.  Sorry guys i am just being honest here.  But what i do know that this is no reality this is not life and i have to do something.  

  Admitting or even saying the word addict still to this day sends me over the edge!!!!  i did finally admit it after my good friends on here had to do some major convincing and tough love to knock some sense into my drug filled brain of mine.    Do i believe it, yes i am an addict and i hate it!  I never seeked this out, it all started from all my surgeries and i never knew life without pills so here i am 38 years old and still only had a taste of sober living for those 70 days.  I am getting ready to try this again as deep down i know i cant live like this any longer, being controlled day to day by pills is no way to live.  To be honest again this is the only place i speak freely but because of pain i know that its my number one trigger.  It ***** to have bone pain everyday and it ***** to feel like im 80 and i have two girls to parent, it ***** that all i have to do is go to the dr and say ouch and i can get any opiate i want, But there are so many of you that has inspired me and i am gearing up for the challenge thank you BAMA and the ex tramhater (LEANN)!  

BAMMA there is nothing weak about you!!!! I remember when you first came here and look at you now girl, i admire you more than you know!!!

[texaslady68]

Hi my friend Bama!  I have been gone for a few days having back procedures.  Missed ya'll!  They had to knock me out for the procedure but I told them I did not want any pain meds...It was an epidural type procedure.  It has already brought me releif in my lower back.  I have to go get my right side not on Feb. 22.  They usually bring me relief for about 5 months and now that I am not on pills, I need releif.

To answer your topic question,  I realized I had a problem when I was going to a doctor (if you can call them that, they are actually PAs at pill mills)  and going through 120 norco and 90 somas a week.  Every Week.  I had bounced 3 checks trying to cover other checks out, could not afford Christmas presents for my kids, and could not pay my bills.  I said enough.  My mom lent me some money and I told everyone in my life what was going on and took my last pill Christmas Day.  I make really good money and it is amazing the difference not spending $370 a week makes.  I pay all my bills on time and my daughter and I are doing a lot of shopping lately.  We love the resale shops.  I lost so much weight, I needed a new wardrobe.  

The way I found this website, back in late October, I was researching getting on Suboxane because I knew I had a problem (no one else did) and was going to talk to my real doctor about it.  After reading all the horror stories about it, I decided against it.  Then I found my way to the addiction forum researching how to quit on my own.  I then made my plan.  I have 2 1/2 weeks off at Christmas every year and I knew that would be plenty of time to detox at home.

I did alot of lurking for several months.  I posted my first post on Day 3 of detox and it said "Help I think i am dying".  I was immediately responded to by you, Lu Lu and many others helping me through the darkness an hell that is withdrawal.  I thank ya'll for that.

I will continue to post and read because it is a form of healing that we all need.

This website has been so life changing for me.  I can talk about my issues without anyone judging, as well as help people too.  I was so excited to see i had earned 2 stars by my name. lmao

[133113]

I can totally relate, I found this site way back in late 2007, the first time I wanted to detox.    

I was injured in a motorcycle accident at 17, close to 20 years ago, went through 5 surgeries on my legs and was on painkillers for 3 years.  When it was time to stop at 20 years old, I never thought twice and that was that.  Never ever thought about a pain killer once the doctor quit prescribing them.  

Well come 2004 and I injure my back in a car accident, doctor starting prescribing me pain meds, which I took as prescribed for 2 years until my surgery.  Got off the meds for about 30 days, still had rebound pain, then realized  damn, I really liked those, so I started making excuses to get them prescribed.  

Well until January 2008, I was using 240mg a day.  I detoxed and it was the worst experience of my life. Funny thing is I never thought I was an addict at this point, as I always used significantly less then prescribed of my medication.  Stayed on the straight and narrow for about 6 months, then it happened, like a thief in the night, someone out of the blue one evening offered me a pill.  I took that pill to justify to myself that I was not an addict and would never ever be on them everyday again.

Well that sure was a mistake, close to 3 years later, I have done the dance of 3-6 months on, 7-21 days off.  I have detoxed 7 times in the last year!!!!!!!  I learned a few things through this process for me, the cravings are the worst part and I always caved.  So I took baby steps, wanting to do it all my way, first telling friends I was done, don't offer to me, it never worked..until I cut all those people out of my life, they were always going to be living that lifestyle.  Then I finally told my pain management doctor I was done. Huge step, HUGE.  

Then I got into therapy and what an eye opening experience it has been.  I lost my best friend in June 2006, then my little brother in April 2008.  Both times I was sober when they passed, but within months pills were around again and with my medical history I knew I could get whatever I wanted.  So I started taking pills.  It sounds funny to me now, but my therapist told me painkillers are for more than physical pain and with the emotional pain you were in it is not surprising they helped numb it.  Before that, I never ever made the correlation, so weird.

Well since starting therapy, I have stayed sober more in last 6 months, then the last six years, but was not able to make it stick.  I am now on day 4/5 again and this is the time I am going to string the clean time together.