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christian relapsed
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christian relapsed

i have been here for 11 months now...not many of you were here when i first came.

i guess the purpose of this post is just to vent.  there is nothing that any of you can do to help him...hell, he cant help himself.

my son christian is a crystal meth addict.  he was diagnosed with HIV last march and married in june.  neither of these two things are enough...nothing is ever enough.

i am physically sick as i am writing this...his addiction and lack of wanting to help himself...makes me puke...literally.  this has been going on for 10 years now.  

during his first visit to UAB...seeing his HIV specialist...he was told that he could NOT do meth and expect to do well.  it will actually lower his cd4 count and could change his status from HIV to AIDS.  was that enough?  hell no.   his g/f married him...knowing that he cheated and acquired HIV.  doesn't he know how lucky he is?  is she enough to make him want to quit?  apparently not.

i'm sick and frucking tired of hearing his promises...his lies.  i am sooooooo sick of him that i truly hope that he looses everything.  going back to prison would be a huge relief off my heart.   dont tell me you want to quit...show me!  if someone wants to stop doing drugs...they frucking do something about it.  they just dont talk about it.  I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I HATE WHAT HE IS DOING TO HIMSELF...HIS WIFE...AND HIS FAMILY.  he is the most selfish person that i have ever met.  how can you have a wife at home and stay out all night doing meth?  and God know "who"??????  he is a disgusting piece of shiat.
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36 Comments Post a Comment
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230262_tn?1316649534
this is the first actual post Im reading here today, had computer troubles since last night and couldnt post here. Im very sorry to hear your news hon. I can feel the devastation throughout your post and I wish I could do something to help. Im so sorry your son has relapsed and hurt you and the family again. I know its not much, but Im here for you to vent to and lean on, as always, no matter what.
xo xo xo xo
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hi Honey. I am reading this and my heart is breaking for you.

I know you are venting, and I know you don't mean all this.

Kim, you don't deserve this...truly you don't. You have been through more than most addicts themselves have been through.

I know that YOU know that you and hubby cannot help him. I will pray for you all.

You know I love ya lady, and you know where I am. You can vent, scream, cry....whatever you need.....

Please try and calm down before you get yourself sick.

Hugs..........
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Avatar_f_tn
Um, wow. Your pain is so strong that I could cry for you. I don't know you, I am new, but I am so I dunno, my heart goes out to you and your family. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am an addict of methadone, and I know everyone says it is the hardest drug to come off of, and that may be true, but "crystal meth" is so unlike any other drug. It is hard to come off of yes, but harder to stay off, you know what I mean? You probably do. When that drug takes control of you NOTHING matters. It's crazy/s***!  

Tough love. Don't support him, or give him the chance to say he will get clean. I don't know you, but I don't think you hate him, but you are fed up, and rightfully so. I do believe you are disgusted by him though. I would be too. You can't help him, so be there for his wife, but don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you care anymore. If this has gone on for years now, I think you need to worry about yourself now, you will only drive yourself crazy otherwise.

God Bless.
           Sam
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Avatar_f_tn
Lizzie... all I can say is I am so, so sorry...

Is there anything at this point he HASN'T tried?  Therapy, in-patient rehab, everyone cutting him off?

I am so very sorry.. you do not deserve this.. :-(
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356054_tn?1218556075
Hey we don't know each other and I am very sorry to hear about your son. Your post is a very good one. This has opened my eyes to the damage I have caused my family over many years of drug use. So if you can take anything from your tragedy it is that you have helped someone. I pray that things do get better for you and your son wakes up one day before it is to late. I hate to think of what my mom went through when i was young. You seem like one hell of a strong woman and I hope you are soon blessed by all the prayers that are said for you.
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199177_tn?1332183097
Lizzie,
One of the hardest things a parent has to do is watch one of there Children destroying there life and know  there is nothing we can do to fix it . It not like when there little and we can control things in there life.
Lizzie this is all up to him he has to make a choice as to whether he wants to destroy his life or whether he wants to get it back on track.
I dont thing as addicts we realize the damage we do to everyone that loves us until we read a post like yours.....I will say a prayer.I really hope he chooses life.
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Avatar_f_tn
I was always here reading your posts since probably day 1. Im still here and I post sometimes. I wish to God I had a mother like you when I was growing up. Someone to guide me in the right direction and really get on my ars when I went in the wrong direction. You care so much and you're not an enabler. Please dont make yourself sick though, maybe its just an all nighter and thats it. Lets pray.
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186166_tn?1385262982
thank you for the comments...just needed to vent.  it just hurts sooo much to see your child killing himself.
first thing i did when i found out is to call my mother...his enabler.  of course she gave him money this morning.  no matter what i tell her...she does what she wants to do.  it is out of my hands.

sooooo...he just sent me a text message as i was writing this.  the same old thing..."mom, i'm sorry i let you down again.  i'm eating, taking my medicine, and going to bed".   i replied with..."i'm not who you need to worry about now...you let your wife down".

i know that he is an addict...but i refuse to let him use that as an excuse to use.  he has been to several rehabs in the past ten years and he knows what it takes to remain clean.  he just does not follow through.  he will admit that he cannot do it alone...but he will not take the steps...he lives about two blocks from nightly NA meetings...but has never walked through the door.

hopsing...i'm glad you were able to take something from my post.  i hope that you could "hear" my tears.  i always wondered how the addict would feel if the situation was reversed.  how would christian have felt if "i" was a bad mother...if i was an addict...if i had been selfish...if i had gone to prison...if i had HIV??????  the damage an addict can bring to a family is hard to repair...and sometimes it cant be done.  i'm so SICK of addiction!

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Avatar_m_tn
When you bashed me in the other thread claiming all kinds of false things about me, maybe you were actually venting on me what you feel about your son.  I have a beautiful, and wonderful fiancee, with tons of people that love and support me.. I am actually a very nice person, and prefer love over war..

Seems you might have wanted to not throw stones in a glass house hunny!  BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR SON!
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325131_tn?1227188381
I know how much it hurts to worry about a son. My son was on a fast track with LSD, extacy, and whatever he could get. I was expecting the phone to ring with his dad telling me he was gone everyday. Then he did go to prison for 2 years. He is out now and using on and off. I am working on giving him to God. Of course that is a work in progress. Turn him over (to God) take him back, turn him over take it back etc. I know I can't Make him get sober. I don't have the money my friend who had her daughter put into a rehab against her will. I'm not sure if that would work for most addicts. We need to admit we have a problem and want help (in my opinion)
There is alanon for family of addicts or alcoholics. I know that would help you for sure. Come here too. It's good to have the convience of the online forum also.
God Bless
Love and Peace
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186166_tn?1385262982
spoken like a true addict!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dont think i "bashed" you...i questioned you.  seems like you are a little touchy...may have something to do with the fact that you cant get past the first 24 hours to see if you can put your theory to the test.
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Avatar_f_tn
GOSH--- i am so very sorry...And i can feel your pain..We addicts don't realize what we do to the ones who love us.
just know your post has helped me to keep trucking....Over 4 months clean and i will do everything in my power to never hurt my family again...
beleive me when i say your post has helped me...I just wish there was something i could do to help you, and take away some of your pain
god bless you kim
love u
r2r
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Avatar_m_tn
58 HOURS CLEAN AND SOBER!  It is hell, but I AM WILLING TO DO THE HARD WORK... I AM WILLING TO GET HELP.. I AM WILLING TO TAKE THE RIGHT STEPS!!  

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186166_tn?1385262982
well then one of us cant add.  on jan 14...at 10 something p.m...you posted that you took three percoset (think that was what it was) and that you had three more to take that night.

so what you are saying is that you are clean and sober from just oxys...guess the percs dont count?????  did you state that it was your "mom" that brought those pills to you?

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Avatar_m_tn
I truly am sorry that your son is hurting you so bad that you feel the need to bash on me and nit pick about everything I am doing here!

I AM HERE FOR SUPPORT! NOT FOR PEOPLE TO RUN ME DOWN!  

I AM HERE TO SUPPORT ADDICTS THAT NEED HELP, AND RECIEVE HELP AS WELL.  ALL YOU ARE DOING IS BEING NEGATIVE.. I WILL NO LONGER PARTICIPATE IN YOUR BANTER!
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Avatar_f_tn
I just wanted to say once again how sorry I am for you, and certain people shouldn't come on certain posts, especially as emotional as this one is, just to say ha, ha in your face. How rude!

Again hang in there. Pray, and have Faith.
I had a post with a very hopeful, inspirating, blah, blah, blah message I found in a book of mine, I am going to put it at the top again, and I would really like you (Lizzie or is it Kim?) anyways I think you would like it.

          Sam
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186166_tn?1385262982
thank you sam.  dont worry about it...i am used to hearing "the addict" doing the talking.

i will look for the post.

kim (lizzie lou is my chihuahua that is in the picture with me)
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Avatar_f_tn
I just think this should stay at the top for awhile. WAKE some people up, ya know?
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218451_tn?1274998152
Pillow Fight,

In this corner, weighing in at probably 150 lbs Lizzy Lou!!!
In this corner weighing god knows what? Oxyaddict420!!!!

I want a clean fight! Fighters ready? DING! DING!
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Avatar_m_tn
Naw man, All I want is to support and help being supported through my detox and addiction issues.. I am bigger than this.. I will admit that the comments she made has upset me, but NO MORE!  I am commited to get clean, and obviously he son isnt and she takes that out onto me!

GOD BLESS EVERYONE TRYING TO GET CLEAN
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Avatar_f_tn
Again, back to the top.

Good Night................Sam
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm sorry you're having to endure this heartache. Meth is an especially nasty drug due to all the toxic ingredients that go into making it. It will destroy a person in good health, much more someone who's system is already compromised. If your son doesn't care about his own health and what it's doing to him he should at least have the common courtesy to consider what it's doing to you, his Mother. My best wishes to you and him both.

As far as oxysponge and his life partner are concerned, just try to ignore them and hopefully Medhelp staff will take the appropriate measures to put and end to their lovefest and childish behavior, for the good of us all.
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387782_tn?1205123841
I know I havent been here very long, but please everyone...we are all here to support eachother and keep eachother on the right track. Let's try to remember that. Im sorry Lizzi Lou for what you're going through, you have been extremely helpful to me, everyone here has...i dont want to see any of you upset since you are all helping me so much. We are all good people going through a lot right now and we all just need to stick together as much as possible. Good luck everyone, you will all be in my thoughts tonight as I try to get to sleep. I have so much on my mind, wish me luck.
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388261_tn?1215403444
Wow. As a mother myself, I certainly understand your pain and anger. I have an 11 year old son, and sometimes, I turn around my addiction and think, what if HE were doing this? And it scares me.

You love and love a child so much, that it actually physically causes you pain when they are sitting there hurting themselves.

You know Lizzie, I don't know what I would do if I were in your situation. I mean, I think me being an addict, I will be able to spot the signs of drug use very early. But, what the hell do you do? Sit back and watch them continue to kill themselves?

That is exactly how my Mother and Father feel about me right now. I am on a good program, tapering off, and finally getting the much needed support from family. But I think what's happening to you, has to be one the the hardest things to go through as a Mother.

Vent all you want. You have every right to be angry. It's that damned thing called a Mother's love getting in the way.  : )

I hope your son get his head out of his arse cleans up. But sometimes, you have to let them go in order to live yourself.

At least that is what my parents did with me. But, I got lucky, I had a son, and was on again off again clean and sober. I just do not know what I would ever do if I had to contend with my son doing drugs. Well, besides kick his a$$. : )

Anyways, I wish you all the best. Right now, you need to take care of your pain. If he doesn't care about himself, then how can he care about his actions towards others? You will always love him, but right now, you just don't like him. (What my Mother used to tell me)

Peace  : )

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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry Lizzie....take care of yourself hun.

xxoo
{{hugs}}
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey Kim. I just read this post and I am so sorry and really sad for the hurt and anger you must be feeling!  I wish I could give you brilliant advice or comforting words but I can imagine how painful it is to watch your child throw his or her life away!  My son is 16 now and I've caught him with pot/drinking and cigarettes....if that is the worst I will be truly lucky but somehow, I have a bad feeling this may just be the tip of the iceberg!  

Kim, you have been a strong influence on your boys and on me since I've known you here!  I am so sorry, (speaking as an addict), that we ALL have hurt and broken the trust of those we love!  You do NOT deserve this so please vent away!

(BTW....I am so tempted to say something to that OXY person, sounds a little passive aggressive to me...like someone else I remember!)

My thoughts and prayers are with you Kim....please stay strong as you always have been!
Peace
Marcie
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186166_tn?1385262982
aawwhh sweetie...I MISS YOU SO MUCH! ! ! !

thank you for the comforting words...i have sooooo many ppl here to thank for helping ME last night.  hubby was out of town and i was here alone...it meant alot to me to have ppl reaching out to me.

woman...dont do it...lolol...not worth the trouble!!!!  

thanks marce

big hugs sent to you,
kim
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Avatar_n_tn
I was here the very first day you posted.  I have been here the whole 10 months with you, fighting my battles along side you.  My heart breaks.  It took me losing everything, my home, my husband, everything, for me to give up vicodin.  Be strong, he will come around.
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Avatar_f_tn
i just want you to know i have read several of your posts you have encouraged me greatly i am so sorry you are going through this with your son. You are a strong women and you will make it through this dont ever give up. If you ever need someone to tak with i am here take care and keep it up. Sometomes its good to let all your anger and feelings out. we are here whenever you need to vent....kris...msinsane
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Avatar_n_tn
Ok, wow how time flies.  I guess it has been 11 months.  I was here your first day and what a day it was.  Thank goodness you gave up the capital letters!!  Hang in there, and I will pray for you and Christian.  You know, my ex freaked out when he saw I was going to the HIV forum.  I was trying to follow your sons progress without asking about it here.  God bless.
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Avatar_f_tn
not been myelf i know exactly how you feel the frustration the anger and the sadness off been let down again and again i went in search off a site that offered help on our side so we can try get a better understanding off what the **** goes through an addicts head and why they cause so much damage there is a brillant site called crackreality.com and its just for the family and friends off addicts and believe me all our stories are the same i understand your anger but there is no point been here and attacking a person TRYING to get clean anyway have a look at the site ive mentioned and remember what christian means connected with christ god bless and goodluck sadly christian needs to walk alone.  i also have a son with the same name
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Avatar_f_tn
aww sweetie, you have been thru so much. as a parent i often wonder just how much it would take to "break" us . i don't think it can be done. a mohters love endures all, pain, hurt, anguish, happiness, the whole gamut. but dear, you seem to have always dont the right thing. just follow your heart, as we all do with our children and it always seems to be the right thing to do. it will all work out, you have to let it go....you can't fix him, as you well know. you just have to take care of yourself right now, and protect you. i know the pain you are experiencing, i have 2 daughters and one of them gave me pure hell for awhile with drugs....scared the hell outta me. but i always think that kids always come back to their upbringing, it is just a mattter of when he hits "his" bottom and has had enough. and this is something that only he will know when the time is right and can only do on his own, no matter how much we as mothers want to do it for them, we can't. all i can do is pray that your pain, suffering, and anguish will be comforted from somewhere deep within. my heart breaks for you, hun.  and i will continue to pray for you and your family, with much love.....cindy  
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Avatar_f_tn
i dont thibk lizzie is or has ever tried to attack anyone here. she has always been a caring and compassionate person  who is always willing to try to help......cindy
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Avatar_f_tn
i was reading through her posts and saw that she was angry and some off ilt was directed at another member who was going through a detox thats it chick
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Avatar_f_tn
whatever.....no drama wanted or needed here.......nuff said.....it's all good...i just felt like she needed to be defended right now,b/c of what she's going through and has been through.....it's all good....no harm done....cindy
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Avatar_f_tn
whatever.....no drama wanted or needed here.......nuff said.....it's all good...i just felt like she needed to be defended right now,b/c of what she's going through and has been through.....it's all good....no harm done....cindy
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Avatar_f_tn
could not agree more
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Avatar_f_tn
we all love you and are here for you..

and i know i don't even need to address it, but oxy-moron will get banned soon enough. so until that day, i hope (and i know you will..) just skip over his stuff..

if there is ANYTHING you need, please just say so.  my heart breaks for you...  and please, please vent anytime... even if it's 15x a day.

we are here for you... and love you.
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Avatar_f_tn
what is it that oxy has done that he deserves to be kicked off a site that is full of fellow addicts who are here to help guide and support eachother
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