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cincee
by hippy, Oct 07, 2002 12:00AM
it has aslways seemed to me whenever i used everything in my life would go wrong, when i used i would get flat tires every week.
when i used i got arrested at least 50 times' for things that i was not even part of doing.
i think they call it murphy's law , well it always had a strangle hold on my life ,whenever i did drugs.
I somtimes thought it was my father praying for me, so i
would say to him stop praying for me , i crashed my car,
lost my job and broke my ankle that week.
there is the other side of this story, once i started on the
road of staying clean the oppisite happened, everythin that could go right did, instead of spending my money on drugs,
and buying 5 dollar tires at the junk yard i, bought sears steel belted raidels and never got a flat agian.
i never got arrested agian, inever lost my job agian,
i got custdy of my kids, ect, ece,
when i got clean and went to meetings it was like i was invisible
to the cops, and invisible to bad things coming my way.
i am writing this because cincee posted that the only na meeting she could find was i the bad lands,in her town
and she would not go there unarmed, well my experence
has always been ,whenever we make that effort or surrender to
go to meetings , we seem to be invisible to trouble.
i grew up in the bad lands in philly so i understand her concern.
when ever i went back to the badlands to start meetings
or attend them i was a little leary but nothing ever happened.
CINCEE -call the na hotlone and ask , there are a lot of meetings not listed , talk to smeone sbout ,in your area.
when i used i got arrested at least 50 times' for things that i was not even part of doing.
i think they call it murphy's law , well it always had a strangle hold on my life ,whenever i did drugs.
I somtimes thought it was my father praying for me, so i
would say to him stop praying for me , i crashed my car,
lost my job and broke my ankle that week.
there is the other side of this story, once i started on the
road of staying clean the oppisite happened, everythin that could go right did, instead of spending my money on drugs,
and buying 5 dollar tires at the junk yard i, bought sears steel belted raidels and never got a flat agian.
i never got arrested agian, inever lost my job agian,
i got custdy of my kids, ect, ece,
when i got clean and went to meetings it was like i was invisible
to the cops, and invisible to bad things coming my way.
i am writing this because cincee posted that the only na meeting she could find was i the bad lands,in her town
and she would not go there unarmed, well my experence
has always been ,whenever we make that effort or surrender to
go to meetings , we seem to be invisible to trouble.
i grew up in the bad lands in philly so i understand her concern.
when ever i went back to the badlands to start meetings
or attend them i was a little leary but nothing ever happened.
CINCEE -call the na hotlone and ask , there are a lot of meetings not listed , talk to smeone sbout ,in your area.
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Wheter it's AA or NA....
THose promises come true!
Funniest thing is, I always worried about the cops getting me (Pulling me over while Dunk or high, etc...)
Now, I can't WAIT, and the sons' of ******* don't even SEE me! Just like you said, Hippy.
I mean I still do SOME stupid things, like drivng WAY too fast sometimes, but i guess I'm stuck with that "Invisible serenity" - We've talked about that very subject at my home meeting MANY times.....
Good luck....
And, Hey.... "All we are sayin' ...is give Peaz a chance!"
O.K. -- not very punny, but hey, I'm SOBER on a Monday morning at work.... What do y'all expect. Huh?!
Jess
I'm tempted to just leave it at that.
My other big issue about meetings is that I'm not ready to be recognized. Can't I be sober without telling the whole world? Please?
I only brought it up that day because I was a little lonely and wished I could just talk to someone who was fighting the same battle.
But, I'll tell you what. Everyone in those rooms are people with egos just like YOU have. We don't LIKE the fact that we're addicts or alcoholics! Why would anyone "Tell" on YOU --when if somebody hypothetically said to me, "Guess who's in Narcotics Anonymous?"... My answer wouldn't be, "Who?"
My answer would be: (knowing that the only way that the person could really KNOW if someone else is IN NA/AA is to be AT a meeting), "Oh, you're in NA.. Good for you."
See....
Jess
but i went to live with my father whhen i was 12 and he was and is a aa member, i watched him talk to people and give advice when asked, anyone who listened to him are did well and life was good for them and still is if they are alive , that was 30 years ago, my father has 37 years sober in aa.
very few people who did it there way never made it,.
so as for myself , i am a na member, and i have found that the nore you give the more you get.
getting ivolved wuth a home group is vital, just stopping at a meeting here and a meeting there like the lone ranger ,dose not give ya a chance to get to know people, and relationships
wiht other recovering addicts is a big part of the recovery process, a sponser who knows what is up is important.
i traveled around the country tring to find the people who wrote
the na basic text, because i was not going to meetings if i was not giong to learn who to work it. i did not like meetings or the people for the longest time , but something that sticks
out in my mind is GO THE EXTA MILE, to help others, i made the coffee at my 1st home group for 2 years
i started about 100 meetings during the 80's and 90's when i 1st started back in 84 there were only 10 meetings, and we were were imeshed with aa, and group therpy, so that took a couple years to straiten out.
And I'm not even ready to be recognized by other addicts.
There's no football today is there;)
pixi
i have to do a better jodb at that,
i want to talk about he steps, since you mentioned them.
step one, acceptance, accept the truth ,we are addicts
we use to live and live to use, even when we put down the drugs we still have our addictive personalities, we subsatute the drugs for , money, sex, shopping, gambling. relationships. ect
the 1st step is a confrontation with the truth.
we are powerless over our reactions to people,places and things.
our life is unmanagable, this has to do wih our life and the life it is referring to is the life inside us, not outside.
we can't manage what go's on inside us , our feelings , our reactions, our thoughts. manage means controll , we don't do well trying to controll our thoughts, feelings and reactions.
we learn to accept them in the 1st step , practicing
acceptance bare's the fruiy of hope , the oppisite is denial.
denial we all have experence with it., my father used to say to me what is wrong with you, and i would argue with him and scream and shout , theres nothing wrong with me.
then later in the middle of the night i would be laying awake in my bed and i would say to myself ,WHATS WRONG WITH ME..
when we accept life the way it is and accept the truth about ourselves, we lay the ground work for a strong begining
twards the road to recovery.
the serenty prayer used to be called the acceptance prayer.
as addicts we are not ogood with acceptace, we want to change our reality, so we use drugs to change it, we are running from reality when we use , when we should be acceptaning it and
making decisions to make it bettter based on principles like
honesty , openmindedness, willinness, faith, commitment.
anthony demello wrote a book called awareness, and it is good , it is all about acceptance..
Oh, my neck hurts just thinking about it!!!
pixi
Finally got some L-Tyrosine late yesteray - seems to make a big difference.
Reading all posts and taking alot from them, but suspect I will be adding little myself today.
Wishing well for all,
CATUF
Didn't you make a comment about a dental app't and a shrink today? Do you like your therapist? Do you find it helpful? My first counselor was okay, but I felt we were kinda "hedging" and not really DELVING into **** that I needed to resolve. So I switched, and have learned more about myself in the past two months than I did in seven months w/ the former one. You have a great attitude and demeanor,kiddo--it's always uplifting to read your posts. So yeah, you can be on my team.......L0L Peaz
pixi
P.S. I feel inferior because I didn't do a Glam-o-rama....
pixi
ps
think i could have your old job?
My sister has literally put those fat white pill in my hand before. And she'll have the big ones if she's got 'em. Last few days her phone calls have been VERY short. If she's using, she'll know that I know if we talk for long. Takes one to know one;)
About sex-drive, on my 9th day (according to Pixi) of total ct, and my sex drive is way back on. Might be lack of opiates, might be feeling free, might be the recipe, I don't know, but I'll take it.
Moxy, I don't think you should make any relationship decisions right now. You're feelings are not dependable.
Tapering is Hell! I've never been able to do it, but I understand that with Methadone you really should.
I will be scarce on the boards with the impending visit, but will get in when I can. I especially want to hear about Chezz and Sean.
That's very different from my experience. My sex drive absolutely dies on opiates! It has been brutal on my wife and the source of much dishonesty (luckily, I managed to perform at least once, and she got pregnant, so she is not feeling up to sex pretty much right now). It's when I start to taper off the opiates that my sex drive come roaring back...
Everyone: I just got back from the clinic and got my first dosage of bup (a gelatinous capsule that dissolves under the tongue). I'm to go back for 4 more days. Over the weekend, they are available with additional "pill packs"; that is, a menu of clonidine, doxepin, bonnatal, flexeril, and Motrin 800. I get one of these pill packs everyday that are meant to supplement to bup. I'm hoping that I won't need all these extra supplements, that I can store them up in case I do need them over the weekend, and that way, I won't have to make up some lie to get me to the clinic over the weekend.
It feels good to at least be trying to get clean. Man, it feels like so long. I have proven to myself that I am completely helpless against the power of these pills and that I simply cannot taper (that myth kept me using at least a month or two longer than necessary).
I know I'm going to need the support of the people here as the drugs wear off and I'm faced with the me that I've been trying to hide ever since I picked up again last March.
Thanks for being here.
Good luck,
bmac
I am going to start the NA meetings..found one close to me with an acceptable time...I will see how this goes...
Rob
I don't know about bonnatal, but I know about the other three. Clonidine is for your blood pressure, don't save it up, if you o/d, you'll be in big trouble. Doxepin is an older triclyclic antidepressent - great for sleep and helps with pain. No need to save it up, a little goes a long way. Flexeril, if you don't need it, OK to save it up but be careful. For me this was the best med to overcome the restlees legs and be able to rest.
Both flexeril and doxepin can make you sleepy in the morning.
I really, really want to hear how this goes!!!
It's fine to contemplate while in detox, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions based on how you feel right now. Give yourself a contract extension. And, yeah, Methadone is supposed to be a sex drive killer. Of course, the Dilaudid is, too, but I suspect you had other sourcers of inspiration when you and your girlfriend were together.
Congrats on sticking to the 21 day program. That says something about you.
Thomas
By "save it up" I mean that I'll simply, if I'm able, not take the pills that are given to me on a daily basis. Each day I'm offered the same packet, whether I use them or not. Thanks so much for the info on each pills' benefits. That is more information that was provided me at the clinic, which I will say was pleasant enough, next to and associate with a university hospital. $200 was the price tag. And there are option therapy meetings after the detox program at $40 per. I do not intend to join the therapy meetings, at least not there; if I can, I may try to shoot for some noon aa meetings in the area if they're around.
DO NOT EVER PAY. THIS DOES NOTHING FOR YOU.
Post your question like you just did. people read it, then post if they can help.
Chezz
P.S. In a post above I referred to you as a "she"---I'm very sorry. One has a 50-50 chance of getting it right.....
Now my reg doc doesn't want to put me back on meds. so they are shuffling me around. i am at wy wits end. i don't know what to do.
i also cant get in here to post cause it is hard to get around.
Chezz
I must say that starting the clonidine a few weeks ago has helped me taper considerably well...from 6 to 8 Norcos a day to 3 or 4. Ive also started to work out at a gym at 5:30 am...5 days now. It's hard to break patterns but one has to. I'm a double amputee and staring at two more operations in the next 12 months...one a major skin graft and it scares me big time. I'm working out to get my veins in shape for one thing, but get the endorphens going in my head for another. When I get to the gym in the morning on my crutches with no arm or leg everyone looks at me as inspiration....little do they know how depressed and ready to give up I am at times.
Moxy---you bet it has an effect on the old sex drive. It depresses the whole system...and I know I risk response from the women reading this, but for us guys it's much harder ( no pun intended ) to fake being interested...:-) Luckly my wife has been going through menapause these last few years without HRT and her drive is low to non-existant as well. We do love and care for each other a great deal so it has not been a big issue.
As the body's functions become back to normal the physical ramifications become apparent...it's the mental stuff that's still a fight.
Keep up the fight..." The obscure we see eventually, the completely obvious it seems takes longer " Emerson
post them agian , and i would answer if i can.
peace
michael
Thomas
That will come back to life(pun intended)When it does you'll
be saying(how do I put this)It won't go away if you understand me.My wife is like put that thing up please.LOL
Hang in there 15 out of 21 days is great.Almost there.Then you can start working on your relationship.I have been high ever since I met my wife in 1994.This is the first time since we met I have been straight.I found out just how much I love her
now that I don't have a crutch.She still isn't too happy about
my secret little abuse and it has made her question our marriage but if it can't with stand this then it wasn't right to begin
with.Just keep working on day 22.That's when the S*$# will hit the fan mentally.Hang tuff and don't worry about your 'friend',he will make it thru this too.(pun intended again)
peace,
bmac
That calmed down but my mind is so foggy and I feel like ****. The nurse at the clinic said that, since I had taken hydro about 3 hours before the bup, I could get sick. WELL I"M SICK!!!
I don't know what to do. I read somewhere that bup can bring on withdrawal effects. Well, I joined this detox program to alleviate the effects, not enhance them! I feel completely unable to work and, more than that, I'm scared! I can't tell my wife about my addiction. I can't take any time off work until Thursday at the earliest (if I did, I would need to come back after 2 days, since I'm new and have only accrued that many days, and if I'm going to have down time, I will make sure it includes the weekend). This is a nightmare and I'd love anyone's input for good or ill or just to let me know your out there!!!
Better copyright that sucker.I told him about it a month ago
and I gave him a copy of it.He said,hell I am using it too.
Since he works 20 hours aday he needed energy and vitamins
and doesn't eat well.So just thought you should know you are really getting 'famous' brother.Of course The header on the copy I gave him was 'The Famous Thomas Recipe'
bmac
Right there on the phone, I started to feel a bit better and then it seemed like the nightmare wave had passed. Well, here's a lesson for any of you considering buprenorphine detox: Wait 12hrs from your last fix before you take the stuff.
I feel like a reality media program: tune in and you too can share the ups and downs of .............."Sean's Withdrawals"!! Watch Sean as he goest to the detox clinic and winds up taking his meds too early. See the monster wave of sickly doom and naseau force him limping to the bank Men's room. Oh, and you won't want to miss his endless tossing and turning in the depressing night when the normal world is rewarded with the peace of innocent slumber....
Thanks my friend
more simply put, we reap what we sow.
if we sow corn we get corn.
if we sow **** we get ****.
if we sow good things like helping others
we reap good things.
reciprocity is a spiritual principle
like honesty and openmindedness ,
spiritual principles never contradict
one another. they are in harmony.
like unity the 12 step programs are based on spiritual
principles, .
most normal people learn these things growing up,
but most of addicts seem to have missed something along the way.
something i have realized about myself and other addicts
is we all are missing 2 main ingredients to life
they are RESPONSABILTY AND MATURITY. it would seem that if we had them we might not be the addicts we are. along with a lot of other things.
honesty is another big one,
i rember when i was a kid about 7 years old i was told to pray and god would take care of me , well i prayed and wound up in
foster homes, getting my but kicked, so i stoped beleiving in any type of god down deep.i became my own higher power.
i depended on myself for me. whhile i was in those homes they used to say tell the truth and it will be better for you , so i did. and wound up getting my but kicked worse , so out the window went honesty. when i was 12 i found drugs and all the emotional pain went out the window. so drugs became my higherpower. i did not realize how selfish this was or how it would destroy my life. all i ever wqanted was a normal life with a house and a wife and some kids. i got that when i was 18 lost them ,did it agian when i was 21 and lost the second famly.
during those years i would go to aa to na . to therpy,
to the shrink, i had all my bases covered, the key word being I".
i rember being 22 and i had like 90 days in aa andan old freind cme to the door and said i got the qualudes and i jst said how much. the next thing i rember was getting bailed out of jail
and coming home to an empty house. it was not untill an old drugaddict in aa sid to me, just go to na and go every day, and don't
go anywhere else , not even church. well i listend to him and my life changed,mind ya i did not want to go , i did not like going
but i was at the end of my rope. if i got locked up one more time it was good bye for a long time. anyway i was tired of hancuffs. wnen i got to na everybody there was looking for a wife
and a job and a house,a licence and a g.e.d, i had all those things and i knew they were not the answer. so the only thing i did not have was recovery ,the 12 stepsso that is what i set my eyes on.i stayed clean for the next 15 years ,got my kids ect.
lost my clean time due to rotator cuff operations,along with
my younger brother dying and a few other close people in my life all withen a year. and here i am 7 months clean on the receipe, enjoying watching people getting better here.
What happened to you is the same thing that happened to my friend when she didn't taper from the methadone first. Sorry I wasn't here to tell you that. I thought I told you about it before. Bup has an antagonist (finally thought of the word), that encourages you not to use other narcs. I guess you know how it works, now. Puking your guts up is a pretty strong message I guess.
This is your birthday, Sean. Your day 1. That's something to celebrate.
Keep posting!!!
I love reading your stories.
pixi
You hit the nail on the head when you spoke of lonliness. Withdrawal seems to turn me into a child just needing desperately someone to take care of me. And I don't even mean intense withdrawal; I mean the time period when the high wears off and I know I'm not going to put another pill into my mouth. The sense of needing to get back -- of needing to be exposed for who I am, yet bitterly aware that some secrets must be left unspoken, of knowing I'm only at the first step and the journey back to normal is a slagging panicky weaving through nights of insane germy half-sleep. For me, my heart and soul feel submerged in loneliness itself, the terrible price of stolen nirvanna.
I would imagine that Hollywood can be a very lonely town, even without the empty space of withdrawal.
Tonight each of my children called me at work (I say I'm working late this week given my inability to contribute at home). I will never be able to explain the sadness in my heart as my son explained how today he bought a bow and arrow at the Dollar Store, and then went on to explain in painful detail how exactly an arrow is projected from said bow.
And I could nearly not contain the monster of regret as my asked if I wanted her to sing to me. She told me she would make it up as she went along. And she did. And it was sweeter than an angel's carress.
And my younger son got on to tell me of his latest deposit to our public sewage system and the reward that was awaiting him tommorow.
And my youngest son was already fast asleep.
And then I spoke with my wife about her aches and pains and latest and hottest news (we're firing Orkin -- the ants are back in full force...)
And no one knows that their husband/father was lying on the floor of his office feeling bad for all the drugs he's taken over the months, holding back tears and feeling nearly dead from loneliness.
Today is a new beginning for me of sorts; that is, I've taken the steps to have an objective medical entity supervise a few days of med intake. But there is no happiness here. At best, there is hope. I hope that one day a long time from now I will try to remember back on these times, and remembering won't come easy.
Sean
As for famous, I'll know that when I get a parking space next to Famous Amos.
Thanks for the "plug," my friend. 'Impressed as always with your clean time. Peace unto you.
Thomas
I liked your post about your kids. When I read that I knew you'd make it. And the guilt just goes with the territory. That's why 12-step groups make amends. It's a good way to begin to forgive yourself.
Thomas
pixi
Thomas
You're entitled to wallow a bit on your first day, but don't go too far. I don't want to sound mean, but there is an addiction issure with feeling sorry for yourself.
Just remember, you're starting. You're doing it. You've made the right choice. Tomorrow may be sh@#, but it WILL be better than today. I know, I was just there last week.
I am still hurting pretty bad. I am working with my doc to get pain relief, just without the narcotics. So he prescribed a non-narcotic today. Somebody just has to explain that to me once again though. Cause I am pretty "stoned". Can't think very well and am more f$^@ up than I ever felt with the pain meds. Except for one thing, it DOESN'T do **** for the PAIN. So I am messed up and still hurting. Yet it isn't a narcotic?!?!?!?!?
So those started swirling the bowl after about a half hour after I took the 1st one.
I haven't gotten much sleep in the last 3 days. The pain in my lower leg get intense at night. It feels like somebody is sqeezing the **** out of my calf, and the front part is numb. Today it switched sides. With pain shooting down the front part of the other shin. This, plus the regular shooting pain down the thigh/leg.
I did finally get an okay for my epidurals. They are going to do it soon. The only bumber is, last timeit took 3 sets over 6 months before they worked. That or I healed on my own with the help of phys. ther.
So I hope soon enough I find a combination that works.
Chezz
We all worrying night and day about you, in case YOU were wondering.
What "non-narcotic" did they give you?
My latest non-narcotic offer is prednizone, but I'm a little afraid of it.
Thanks for the concern. I was a little bumbed on Fri. when I NEEDED you guys and nobody seemed to be their for me. So I just decided to take a rest from here. As could see from my posts, I was DESPERATE for help that day. (Just being honest)
I haven't been able to do much either since it has hurt so much. It is a pain, literally, to get in here to email and post. So I get in and get out.
I hope everybody else is doing alright. Glad to you are back Sean. And that you are following through now.
What happened to Synderalla's post last night. I posted back to it (so did Alexis) and the original message disappeared?!?!?!
Thanks for Worrying,
Chezz
Suzie
Leah
Your posts have helped me a lot during this whole past week. Thanks.
Leah
"i've got sunshine on a cloudy day"
Suzie
Gimme clouds anytime.... now THAT is some good weather.....
those tallahassee thunderstorms at 3:45pm everyday like clockwork (in the "Rainy season")
I'm here.... I slept at 5-8, and then got paged itno the work...
going back home soon.
Miss ya'!
Jess
P.S. Not to sound AA preachy, but 2 beers + Stadol everday actually is the same as a six pack plus (in terms of impairment)
BUT... I'm not implying anything by that statement.
Just concerned!
Thomas
I did get your email Leah. I will try and email back ASAP.
I email somebody here as much as I can, and they haven't even got an email from me in a couple days. It just is so hard because I can't get comfy in my office. (I guess that's why they called it the office) its a home office though. And my network still isn't up. My monitor(flat screen) is on the ground under my desk where my feet/chair would go. I lay with my feet up on my desk and my back flat on the floor. Its a little tricky, but it is the best for the pain.
So I am trying to get back up to speed, it is just going to take a bit until the pain eases or I go crazy.
Chezz
I gotta get off the computer so my daughter can do her homework. I'll try to write more another time. Peaz
I gotta get off the computer so my daughter can do her homework. I'll try to write more another time. Peaz
It is hard sometimes, because I have this vision of everybody else struggling with the same pain and the addiction/dependence issue. Then I got an email back that said, duh, some of these people haven't had more than a headache(jokingly), and take the meds for fun. It is hard for me to understand because I haven't the faintest idea where you could get all the meds without the pain. Especially since I have had this type of pain since I was 23. Off and on of course. This is the 3rd episode. I honestly do not like taking the meds, because it means I still have to deal with the pain. The meds have never taken it all away(a couple times I tried ;) ) But I still have the dependence/addiction issue too.
Anyway, don't worry about me, I will be alright.
Chezz
but, I tought the results were FUNNY. I think you guys just have a little of the same DRY and Intelligent wit about you. most programs couldn't tell the difference!
Jess
But what's a person to do when they have major paing problems, and everything else has failed?
Dr. DeLuca says that pain is mind-altering and life-shattering. Not that I subscribe to his dogma, which I don't know that much about. But sometimes I really do need a vacation from pain. Unfortunatley, I'm always gone a little too long;-)
I have done both. Prednizone works for certain issues/pain/people. It didn't work for me.
Although, I recommend everyone to try everything out there that is non-narcotic for pain. You are bound to find something that works.
Even if it is an eplectic medicine, or a anti-depressant. I have found results with meds in both families. Although the duration of relief was not long, it did provide relief for a few months. Of course, those meds don't work anymore. So, time to try and find some that do.
Chezz
MIssing you as well...
Suz
Get the gedada...
Injection last week, with new ortho doc, in my shoulder worked very well.
Physical therapist said that both facet joint injections or prednizone are probably the next step. Doc has not talked about facet injections, only prednizone.
Am told that surgery is not the answer for the discs at this time.
What kind of doc does facet injections? Ortho or neuro or physiatrist?
Trying to be open to anything. The last time she brought up the prednizone, I was too tunnel-vision on hydro to consider it.
Hope you can get some rest tonight.
I, for one, am really thinking about you a lot. I can see that many others are also.
I wouldn't let an ortho doc anywhere near my torso. They can deal with the rest, if that. They are good for sprained ankles.
Nuero docs, as well as anesthesiologist(say that 5x quick) , can provide the best service.
Pain management docs are the best overall. They are usually/primarily anesthesiologists. At least in my experience. They are familiar with more ways to provide pain relief, and understand the necessity for alternative treatments.
Just like anything else though, you have to TRUST you doc. Experience plays an important role. Being a guinea pig is no fun.
I don't know my doc that well. So I am having him do them under a flourascope. My other docs(specialists) have always "freehanded" it, and I always did them "straight up"(no meds). Then I can help direct them. It hurts like hell. But then I KNOW they are in the right spot.
Good luck with yours. I would try the pred. 1st.
Thanks for wondering. And yes I hope I get some sleep tonight too. It is soooo hard to keep sane when you aren't getting any sleep.
Chezz
When you find a good one, you will know. He told me my medical history after the exam and before I even gave him my records!
Thats why they get paid the big bucks!!!
Chezz
PS. nothing is absolute and there are always exceptions.
Chezz,
I am sorry to hear you are in such pain, I know what it is like but for different diseases not back disc problems.
I posted earlier way down somewhere, it may have dissappeared by now, but a friend of mine from Florida had the same thing you have. He and his buddies were chasing a hurricane one day years ago, I can't remember it's name, but he had to lay down in the back seat of the car the entire time, similar to you at your computer.
He hated even taking aspirin so he finally broke down and had the back surgery. He said after that, the pain was completly gone. Almost like a miracle and he didn't even have to stay on any meds at all. I hear the surgery for back pain is even more elaborate and safer now so you may consider it. Your doc just might not want you to have it for money reasons if you don't have insurance or if he knows you may become addicted and is afraid of a lawsuit. You may try to find another pain specialist that doesn't know quite so much of your background, but enough to know what you are taking for pain and that it is not working.
I tried prednisone once and could not take that at all, I had a very bad response to it. My body has a bad reaction to most drugs I've tried, all prescription types. I never took the street stuff, was too afraid of what they mix it with.
That is why I am on the Klonopin for seizures and anxiety and Ultram for pain which works excellently for me. I have no side effects from either, but w/d's bigtime from Klonopin in the past. I finally am back to work again cutting grass and plant nursery stuff and my pain is well controlled now without overusage.
I hope you get help soon. I realize being under the knife sucks but I finally took care of my internal problems and have been much better off since. I now wonder why I waited so long in the first place. Fear plays such as mighty role in our lives, we need to trust in God to help us overcome it to solve some of our bigger problems. Good luck!
Chatahan
pixi
Remember, I'm here for you if you need me.
We are taking care of another Golden this week. That makes 3 Goldens and 1 Bernese Mountain Dog. Almost a kennel here. My son thinks he is a Zoo-keeper. Have a great day.
Goldenbear AKA David
Between her and the two cats, some animal always needs are has ruined something around here. My husband is out of town and his help with the animals is what I miss most;-) Well, I could use is help dealing with the human family, too.
I was thinking of a physiatrist. Way different.
Aenesthiologist did my epidural, but he was a "fellow" and I felt that the other aen. in the room was "teaching" him. The edpidural itself went fine, it just didn't work. Maybe I need a new place.
pixi
pixi
Keep it up....move forward....
No I haven;t started the meds yet.Just aren't ready for them yet even though my knee is ready.First thing I have to do is sit
down with my wife and tell her.Last time I did this in secret
and I told her I would never lie to her about drugs.So that will
have to wait until the right moment if there ever is the right time to talk about it with her.She does know why I have been going to the doctor and she works with him everyday in the operating room so I am sure they have already talked about it.
She is just waiting to see if I plan on telling her.All this has
hurt my marriage badly.But that's my fault and I can't re do
the past so I just will suck it up and get on with all this.
But back to the fun side of myself.My doctor said, tell me what you would like to take,med wise.Just jokenly I said what's the closes thing to herion,he said Diladid(sp?) and he began to fill out the script.I said no no I was kidding.Man he was about to write it out that easy.I need to get away from this man,he's scarey.
He did write me a script for Kadian(ms contin 20mgs)Which
from what I know about morphine it's pretty much up there also.
But I have made it so far and I am a little bit scared of taking that first pill.It is time released and it can't be crushed
so he says I won't feel any euphoria but hey come on it's
still 20 mgs of morphine.But it's just that little voice says
NO DON'T DON'T DO IT.I will have to tell my wife before I take it.And I haven't had the chance since yesterday to do that.
So I guess tonight I will tell her(she probably already knows
about the script)anyway.Thanks for checking on me.
I feel alienated here because of what happened and I really feel I was treated unfairly by the Administrators because I am the only one that received that warning email.But hey I am a grow man I can take it.It has although made several people stop posting back to me.But that's their problem not mine.
But without me you wouldn't have any good old boy to poke fun at or talk football.Day 48 and STILL clean lol
see ya,
bmac
I agree with the surgery. Although that will be down the road. I will try everything I have done in the past to get better before I even think about it.
I also wouldn't even be seeing these doc's if it comes to that. I have a team of specialists that I will have to work with if I can't get relief here. It is just a little trickier. I have to fly out and live in Hawaii until I get better.
Money is never an issue to me when it comes to health. I can't take it with me when I go. And life is too short to even worry about materialistic things when you are in pain.
I am taking it step by step. If it comes to surgery, then it does. For now I am just trying to get through the days.
Chezz
Wow, day 48! I came here when you were on day 22. I don't know why I remember that but I do. You are inspirational to me, especially given that you have real pain issues. I have no pain issues. I never have. I've used to get high; there has never been one shred of legitimacy to the pain pills I've taken.
It must be very difficult to be faced with taking another pill. You've worked so hard to get away and now they're being forced into your hand.
Thanks for all of your encouragement and, given I'm still at the very beginning, please don't forget to offer a prayer here and there as you are inclined.
Thanks,
Sean
pixi
Sean I sent you a reply back and I meant every word.You are doing the right thing for your family,no doubt.
Pixi,
Like in an earlier post I told you would never be able to get rid of me that easy.We'll see when Bama comes a knockin'.
Hey, like the Auburn thing?Man,you just don't know how bad the rivalry is here.I mean it's hate pure hate.It's worse than
the democrat vs. republican thing to these people here in Bama.
But I just watch and pull for my team and don't get to wrapped up in the hatred of it,hell it's kids playing football for God sake.But in the same breath ROLL DAMN TIDE!!!!!!
THANKS,
bmac
I want to start the prednizone, but no call back from the doc yet. Where are we when we need them???
pix
I just want to take the time to thank you for your posts to me. I have went through and read all of the posts I missed. It feels nice to know that someone was worried and wondering where I was at. It was a very hard time for me. Pain as you know is mentally and physically debilitatiing.
I hope you can get through this visit without a hitch. I know you are very concerned. I can see your apprehension and fear in your posts.
I will be here wondering where YOU are at if you don't post.
Thanks again.
To all of the other people that did or did not post their concern or care, Thank you too.
If anyone wants to email me with questions, concerns, or just to vent. Here is my email address again. I have posted it before and have gotten some very meaningful emails that people thought were "stupid".
The only stupid questions are the ones that go unasked.
Thanks again,
Chezz
PS. Some have asked why I haven't responded to their posts, or have felt "left out". Let me know. I don't always feel like my posts are well taken. I am unsure how people feel about me as well. As strong or whatever a person you think I am, I am just like YOU. Scared, confused, and overwhelmed sometimes. I also have insecurities, and don't always feel my comments are welcome.
I am not the type to think that I can HELP all of the time. I am just as unsure as anybody else. Let me know.
Chezz
pixi
pixi
(Chezz), it is good to see you can hang in there and that money is not your hangup for getting help. Unfortunately some people here are desperate and cannot find help easily and that's why I am trying to take some correspondance courses to help addicts and alcoholics in group therapy and to get on their feet. I eventually, down the road a ways, will help under the assistance of my drug and alcohol counselor.
The warm weather in Hawaii may inprove you pain condition, I know I would not even be able to walk or move about if it drops below 65 degrees. That's why I am down here in the deep tropics where it rarely drops below 70 degrees and rarely goes over 90.
I agree with you that we all feel left out or ignored sometimes, but that's part of our loneliness and insecurity in all of our individual conditions. Good luck.
(Bmac), congrats on day 48, you are doing great. I am in worse pain than usual today and took an extra Ultram. I have worked too hard cutting grass this past week and a storm is brewing east/southeast and the pressure is falling. Makes the water weight increase which aggravates pain conditions. I was supossed to go apt. cleaning at 8:00 am but it is now 9:30 and I still don't feel like moving. I just need to force myself to get going.
I received my SSI payment today but will hold off on paying bills until I see where that typhoon will go. If it goes to Saipan, I will need some cash to fly there. Saipan is only 120 miles north/northeast of Guam. I think I am becoming too distracted by the developing typhoon to do work actually. I need to keep a close eye on it in case it speeds up. I still think it is a few days away and I may even save me money by it coming here. Another direct eye passage? Could it be? One can always hope!!
Another great typhoon season, I hope matching 1992 and 1997!!! We had three direct eye passages in three months in 1992, pretty good for an island only 30 miles long in a giant mass of ocean. Saipan took it in 1997 as well as Guam several times. Anyway I am babbling about one of my obsessions. It used to kept me sober though. I never drank during typhoons.
Good luck with (everyone) elses places in w/ds and days of sobriety. I wish it were that easy for me to stop the Klonopin, maybe, someday.
I discoveed my seizures may be from low blood sugar and not my initial outpatient detox gone awry for the first three months, sobriety, crach and burn, seizures and DT'S then repeat over and over. Docs didn't think I looked like an alcoholic!!!! How STUPID when I told them openly on my own I drank a bottle of Vodka or Gin a day. They finally sent my to a psych doc who put me in-patient to detox. I thought the seizures continuing in spite of nearly two years sobriety after in-patient detox would have solved the problem, but I still had seizures nearly once a week, that's why they could not get me off the Klonopin they used for detox. It is an anti-seizure med as well as for anxiety etc. It's a killer if you are cut off though as I described a couple of weeeks ago. At least I am off the booze, and no seizures since I started drinking a couple glasses of lemonaide in the mornings for sugar intake. I am down to 8 mg of Klonopin from 10 mg a day. I will slowly taper probably over one year or more and see if I get seizures again. Then I will know I have to take it permanently for brain damage due to having had so many seizures in the past four years.
Well, I had better go and try to get something done before the typhoon comes.
see you under the eyewall!!!!
Chatahan
Hope you're doing O.K.-- If you've read most of my posts, you're probably aware that I've got the most "Experience" on this board with ULTRAM... And I used to drink the Vodka and Gin like a fish... 1-1.75 liters per day for last 2 years of my drinking career. Because of the similarites in our "Story", I would recommend that you: 1.) get tested for type 2 diabetes and 2.)Stop taking Ultram.
The Diabetes or Diabetic TYPE symptoms can be caused by pancreatic damage from the drinking. By the "Grace of God" the damage I caused myself is healing "Well", and most of my diabetic symptoms are no longer there.
The reason to STOP the Ultram is VERY SIMPLE.. If you are ALREADY PRONE to seizures, Ultram WILL GIVE YOU SEIZURES.. Even the drug manufacturer warns of this potentially fatal "Side-effect"... I'm Lucky enough to have never HAD a seizure, even though my Ultram consuption was through the proverbial roof....
Please heed my advice!
Just concerned,
Jess
P.S. if you have any detailed questions about effects of Ultram, Diabetic symptoms, etc.. don't hesitate to e-mail me at ***@**** (I have plenty of experience in these "Fields", and If I can help you out in ANY way it would be my pleasure..)
P.S. I re-read your post, and I forgot to mention a VERY IMPORTANT fact:
Any Benzodiazepine. (including Klonopin, Valium, Xanax, etc) combined With Tramadol (Ultram) is contraindicated BY THE MANUFACTURER!~
Quoted in the literature from Ortho-Mcneil drug manufacturer of Ultram:
".......There is also a significantly increased risk of seizures while taking Ultram if you are also taking Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI antidepressants) i.e. prozac, etc., tricyclic compounds i.e. Flexeril (cyclobenzaprine), Phenergan (promethazine) or Benzodiazepines (i.e. Valium, Klonopin), tricyclic antidepressants, or MAO Inhibitors.........."
I hope that you will take this information to heart!
/Jessesarpy/
I just don't have to pay for it.
10 years ago I took care of health care for the rest of my life.
When this problem started, I wanted to make sure that I would never be left out in the cold. This is a lifelong thing. It isn't going to go away.
So I took care of myself.
Chezz
I an still searching for a site where you can plug in your meds and it will come back with the problems.
Some people don't understand you can take 2 meds that can almost completely make both of the worthless.
Or worse yet, will cause catastrophy, or death.
Chezz
Jess,
Thank you for the concern about the Klonopin and Ultram.
I have been on Klonopin for nearly four years and on Ultram for the second timein four years. I was on straight Codiene with the Klonopin for about one year and had the seizures every eight days or so. They even became long black out seizures lasting up to two hours.
When I was drinking, my sugar was a little elevated. I was tested thouroughly for any pancreatic and/or liver damage luckily none was found only high blood pressure due to the drinking.
The Ultram caused an annoying side effect at first making it difficult to urinate, but I was also on Celexa (SSRI)at the time. I stopped both of those nearly a year ago. I started back on the Ultram about five months ago and now that I quit drinking again after a relapse, I have not seized since.
I realize any opiate or even synthetic one such as Ultram do lower the seizure threshold. Any stronger pain killer would just lower the threshold more. I would rather "SHAKEDOWN" once in a while than be in pain all the time and not be able to function. Even Advil is said to lower the threshold and I take that in between sometimes.
After being sober for over one year I was given a six hour glucose tolerance test. I started out lower than normal to begin with, then by the third hour dropped to a 45 which they say is close to or at the seizure and even come level of low blood sugar. They said they were surprised I did not at least have a seizure. They said a drop to 40 is near death from a coma state. Those black out seizures I was having were almost like that.
The Ultram ia making my life much more comfortable so I will stick with it in spite of the warnings. All I ask is to see one more great Super-Typhoon before I go.
Thanks for the input, all is appreciated even if I don't follow it. I would rather be on something stronger, but they are neurotic here about pain meds and benzos, even when physical ailments are proven by specialists from the mainland for pain and, Neurology and Rheumotology.
Thanks you to Bmac for your concern. I think I'll be okay on my newly found method upon waking. Eating a balanced diet has been helping too. I used to eat terribly to nothing at all when I was drinking so much. Had nowhere to fit the food, LOL. I do think I will try the L-tyrosine for enery however and see how that may help. No hot baths possible, I have been taking cold showers for five years ever since Super-Typhoon Paka hit and damaged my water heater. I have been too cheap to buy a new one.
Bye for now, hope you are all feeling some peace and less pain. Sunshine has a way of perking a person up during the fall season over there.
Since many are giving out emails, mine is ***@****
Chatahan
Chezz, I did not mean to leave you out. I said Bmac and re-read and was really referring to your statement after Jessearpys. Sorry for the goofup. And thanks also fo the input.
Chatahan
pixi
I should have gotten outside and done some yard work like you did yesterday. I don't work until 3:00, have to leave the house at 2:00, but I swear, even if I get up early it seems like the mornings just whizz by and it's time to get ready. I wish I was still a stay-at-home mom. I always had projects and tons of stuff to do.
This is such a strange, rambling post........ I'd better quit while I'm behind. Thinkin' a you and wishin' you happy trails today. Di
Deb
Did you speak of your having lupus in a prior post and I missed it? I'm sorry you were having a bad time w/ it yesterday. I DID miss you, but felt confident that you'd be around today. TGIF!!!!! But, since we don't party anymore, the weekends take on a whole new meaning, eh? It is absolutely gorgeous here--70 and sunny, so I will try to spend some time outside w/ the mutt and get some fresh air.
I see you cheering for the Vols all the time, but I'm not definite on what southern state (exactly) you hail from. Do you talk "funny"???!!! LOL Just kidding. I'm vacuuming--gotta go. I'll touch base w/ you later. Di
Or maybe pixipeaz.Yea that's it.
Hey pixi Roll Tide.
bill