coke binge/help

45 years old, cool wife, 3 adorable kids. Dabbled in viodin and oxy on and off for the past 10 years. Mostly weekends and stuff. Never worried to much 'cause I always had plenty on hand but was able to restrain myself. Often went months without it. Also have a well-paying, respectable job. Last couple oxy runs were not good. Too fiendish, so I stopped last August. May have had 3 or 4 vicodins since then. Problem: got reintroduced to blow about 9 weeks ago, and have gone about 6 8-balls since. My pattern -- 1/16 for about 2 days, come down, then swear it off. Last 2 hiatuses last more than the customary 3-4 days, but I did get another bag tonight. I feel like such an idiot -- everything going for me, yet reaching for poison for artificial sweetness. The buzz is of course lasting shorter and shorter. I know know know that I can get a better, more natural buzz thru life/meditation/getting back into shape/eating well/enjoying the family more. I'm 5'11" and weight about 180. I feel I can kick this on my own. AM I just kidding myself? Can someone give me a written kick in the ***. I've confided in a few close friends and have been honest. Just felt like sharing now with online strangers. Just writing this is therapeutic and hopefully motivating. I know this is utterly silly and have every intention on stopping. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. ANy encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
-zj

[gizzy32]

Welcome to the forum. 9 weeks ago you made a very poor choice and as a former cokehead i know how hard it is to stop. I don't care what people say, you can't compare a coke craving to pill cravings, they are DIFFERENT and much more powerful. As you say the buzz gets shorter and you need more and more. Stopping is so scary, but you have to before it's too late. You have now switched addictions to something that will kill you faster and it's time to get some help. You have a family, good job, but coke will steal that happiness. It will only get worse from here, 9 weeks is not that long to stop, how long did you use before this? I had every intention of stopping, but for me that was not enough, it was impossible at one time, i choose coke over everything in my life and didn't care if I died. Please end this cycle your on and come up with a plan to quit, you can't just say your gonna quit, what will you do when those intense cravings come? I am here if you want to talk, you have a chance to get off this drug now before it's too late. good luck.

[this_big]

I too had a run in w/the devil in my late teens/early 20s,Unfortunatlly it took losing everthing I had to stop.I was in a bad place(mind wise)then.It sounds like you have a damn good head on your shoulders....USE IT!.You know what this **** does, where it leads for most.Dont be part of the most.Sounds like you care alot about your family.DONT let them down.Here I am now 118+hrs(4.5days) from taking my last Hydrocodone/lortab.I have a wonderful family of my own now and chose NOT to lose it to an "artifical sweetness"To answer your question YES can do this on your own,But its great to have support.Let me tell you all these "Online strangers"have made the difference for me...Hundreds of miles away,but right beside me... Best of luck ,dont lose your family,in the end,they are all you have.    
                                                                       *written swift kick

                                                          Good luck man,
                                                                  Jason

[gizzy32]

Your doing great, almost 5 days now and it will get so much better. Just wanted to say congrats on getting off the devil's dust, nasty drug. Keep posting and keep working your recovery, good luck.

[WantALife]

You want a kick in the ***?  Boy, do I know how you feel!
ok...
I had a ten year coke habit with my first two husbands.  Married second husband at 25.  We were hauling in over $150k per year with oue sucsessful careers.  Bought a house, boat, camper, motorcycles, waterfront property in Florida (you get my drift).  Then we started partying.  It turned into an 8 ball a night, and we started selling our stuff just to afford the coke.
Every night was the same thing...first couple of lines were great.  Then, you start jonesing.  Can't get enough up your nose, smoke cigarette after cigarette and stay up all night.
We lost everything, including eachother.  It's NOT WORTH IT!!!!
Today, I am six days clean from Morphine / Fentanyl (chronic pain).  I have been thinking alot about that time, and have actually cried to my ex and apoligized that our lives were destroyed because of drugs.  I can never get those days back and will live in regret the rest of my life.  Please, if you love your family, stop the madness.
Barbara

[kittybrain]

Thx for the posts everyone. No powder since Friday. No desire. A little achy and cranky... but more determined than ever to steer clear of this evil little thing. Been doing mantras, and some mirror work -- releasing the need I've somehow created for the addiction. It's pretty powerful looking yourself (or that evil twin that craves the high) in the eye and saying 'enough is enough'. I know my family and I deserve better. Keep the cards and letters coming.
-cj

[gizzy32]

This is great to hear. Since you were using for only 9 weeks, i truly hope the cravings don't hit as hard, but i know you used a lot in that time. I do believe you have quit just in time, because i PROMISE it's gets worse. There will cravings and i hope you prepare yourself for them. When that mind changes, you could care less about anything accept coke. We are here to help and staying clean is saving your life and your family. Don't let this drug tell you just one more time is ok, there is never just one more time. Congrats man and keep posting.

[kittybrain]

slipped up today -- bought a 1/16th (after a clean week). progress? not really I feel pretty guilty. totally realize the buzz is nothing more than getting it in, and plotting the next blast. baffling. pathetic. not even a remotely relaxing high. there's honestly nothing pleasant about it. keep me in your prayers. this is not who i am. I'm repeating these and other mantras over and over. I WILL WIN THIS ONE.

[snowflake620]

you fell so get back up YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD DON"T LET THE DEVIL HAVE YOU!
snowflake

[gizzy32]

So why did you decide to use? Was it a craving or just the fact you thought once more would be ok? I hope you reread the above comments to you again. I am telling you right now 10 weeks of using coke you can stop now with cravings not nearly as intense at this point. If you keep telling yourself just one more time like i did soon you will be doing it everyday cause cravings will come so strong you didn't think something this powerful existed. You will need more because you become immune to it and you just chase that high. It's a disgusting, filthy drug and your playing with your life, it's no joke. Im assuming you have a connection now? I am not trying to preach or sound like a *****, but your gonna find out what true he ll is if you don't stop. Once you start having those horrible crashes with cocaine and cravings intesify there is no coming back. There is a complete difference when you become addicted to cocaine, it's not like at first with that great high and doing a few lines, it changes and when that happens to you, your wife and 3 kids will lose their father. Please get some help even if you start posting on here more for now. You are so close to tossing everything away in your life, there is no more 1 time use. Everytime you decide to put that **** up your nose it will be harder to stop. Please if you need to talk, pm me. I used coke for 5 years and it consumed me. Your 45 years old and so close to tossing your life away, I don't want to see that. You can to this:) good luck and get off the blow now!!!

[kittybrain]

Thx for the reality check. Not sure why I called in another order... but I will tell you this much -- I flushed the last couple blasts down the toilet with the mantra "I now flush coke outta my life". Don't think I woulda done that 8, 7, even 1 week ago. Felt very right. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm headed in the right direction. Went out to shot pool 2 nights ago with one of my best friends (while I was high on blow). Had a lousy, jittery, unrelaxed time. Very unusual, given our friendship. I realized just how 'not me' this drug is. I will keep posting with progress reports.