confession

[Kova]

Hi all,

well, i have to admit that today i broke down and had a relapse.  the cravings have been haunting me every single day since i have been over the WDs.  it has been....close to 2 months that i've been clean.  all the methadone did was make me irritable and guilty feeling, so i am not enjoying the high and i kind of expected it to be this way.  i am asking myself the same question as a lot of you who have relapsed...why? why? why?  i was doing so well.  i was happier than i have been in years.  i knew that i have been in need of aftercare but didn't want to go the NA route.  well, i think now i am going to look for a meeting to go to because obviously doing it on my own is not working.  i am trying not to beat myself up (take my own advice), but it is hard.  i have to say though that confessing this to you all as well as my husband and friends gives me some hope that i can get back on the wagon.  i messed up, but i am certainly not going to give up the fight.  i got a taste of how much better my life can be clean, and i want that more than anything in the world.

for those of you who go to NA, could you please tell me what i can expect from a first meeting?  do i have to get a sponser or is that optional?  i won't have to speak if i don't want to, right?  and about alcohol.  i have no intention of giving up my glass or two of wine in the evenings.  should i just not mention it?

any input would be greatly appreciated.

thanks all.  love and light.

Kova

[OnOxyfor10yrs]

Kova, my friend you cannot beat yourself up over this. Relapses happen. You do not have to speak at an NA meeting, you can just listen and you do not have to get a sponsor although they highly recommend this. I wish you would have pm me before doing this as I wwould have triend hard as he77 to get you through this. You are a wonderful person that has helped many on this forum and now it is time to lean on the people you have helped. PM me and keep in touch. I am here for you. Just please dont do anymore drugs...k? They will tell you that alcohol is a drug and tell you not to drink. Just to let you know this.



L

[Kova]

thanks for responding.  i need all the help i can get right now.  i just feel like total cr*p about myself.

[corey411]

Sorry about the relapse but glad your picking yourself right back up. Noone can take those clean days away from you and hopefully you may just get a jittery day after 2 months clean. As far as NA everyone I've been to the group is asked if anyone new wants to introduce themself but you don't have to. If it is a discussion group sometimes they go by a raise of hands but if they go around the room you can say my name is ?????and I'm just here to listen or just say I pass. You might not want to mention the wine. I would take my time to get a sponcer and make sure you click. You can start gathering phone numbers and calling people wo making them your sponcer. If you can find a speaker meeting that makes for a nice first meeting. Go to more than 1 and find the 1 that suits you. Lots of luck. Corey

[Kova]

i've been lookign on line for meetings but i am confused.  what are the different formats?  and if it is closed to the public i cannot attend?

[kim715]

The above poster is right about the NA meetings,you don't have to speak if you don't want to.Just listening and realizing your not alone with the way you are feeling brings so much comfort.You get that here as well,but theres just something about having the people right there with you that makes you feel so empowered.Methadone detox is rough.I know I was still having some issues at 2 months.I'm at 7 now and I still have my moments,but the aftercare has helped me to learn some different more effective coping skills.I really hope you try a meeting.All the best....

[sadinmichigan]

listen..if you only messed up one day..then just get back up and keep on going the way you were..learn from this and going on..

[corey411]

Closed is for addicts only. Open can be general public.

[kim715]

A speaker meeting is one that is open to everyone,the addict as well as family and friends.A closed meeting is just for addicts,so yes you could attend.I think a speaker meeting is best for a first meeting also.

[Kova]

coping skills....yeah, that sounds good.  i could really use some techniques for what to do when those cravings hit.  today was such a shock to me.  i felt like it was some other person who got in the car and drove to score.  the real me was just watching it all happen.  it was kinda like being possessed.  7 months is great, Kim.  hope you are feeling better.  thanks for the encouragment from all of you.  Lisa, if you weren't in a different state i would give you that massage!

Kova

[Kova]

there certainly is no shortage of meetings around here!  i see i can have my pick.  speaker meeting... okay...will look for that.

[kim715]

I feel much better at 7 months then I did at 2,so trust me it does continue to get better and easier.Try the meeting,let us know what you think afterwards.Sometimes you have to shop around a bit to find the place where you feel most comfortable.For instance I don't really care for the NA meetings in my area so I attend the AA meetings.The important thing is to have the plan in place and stick with it keep moving forward,so don't beat yourself up about today.Brush yourself off and keep fighting the good fight....Peace....Kim

[sadinmichigan]

girl..you are doing so good..it's a hard enough getting through the physical crapola without the mental stuff tagging along behind. I don't think you will be set back too much except mentally..keep in going girl..so you made a mistake..learn from it and don't look back..I think that screwin up teaches us alot more about ourselves..I still can't believe I have over 2 yrs off that madness..but I am so thankful..even though I know I am suffering from PAWS..it's a fight everyday..but I choose the outcome of each day and no matter what is going on in my life I have that satisfaction at least..

[cathy5841]

kova, whats done is done.  tomorrow is a new day and you can be clean.  use this as a learning experience you now know how vulnerable you are and you know the high is not worth it.  so move on girl.....you will be okay.  

[refusingbondage]

Dont beat yourself up too bad.  You obviously already regret it after one use, think about other relapses, did you regret it right away?  I know for me, once I took that first pill I was happy and stayed that way for months until the guilt hit far too late.  Get up, brush it off, and jump right back on... You did great girl.. this time you will do better.  

[opi]

i to have made the mistake of no aftercare/na or anything....i have learned my leason and have looked into some meatings.....i will be attending one or two next week....you just had a little hickup...we all do{most anyway}...no point beating ourelves up over it... guilt kills the spirit so i try to take that **** in stride...it does feel good to rat yourself out though,,so as a matter of fact i to must confess...i ate a couple tylanol threes today{not my DOC} but an opiate never the less....*******...oh...sorry i'm not supposed to beat myself up...i was not out chasing my doc so that's something....i think this is why we need na....i need some tools to work with...get some ideas as to how to beat the brain game...anyways...hang in there,,,,fight the good fight....peace

[worried878]

the first meeting..and any meeting is never any pressure at all..u can speak or not speak..u can just listen...no one will tell u squat about quitting drinking nor will anyone ask u if u drink...if u feel like talking..then talk..if u do not..then do not...my first meeting was not where i ended up feeling most comfortable as there are lots of groups and some are more "me" than others..mine ended up being a ladies AA group...but i as well do not plan on giving up my "corona"  LOL   and they could care less

[broknbck]

I am not understanding the whole relapse thing.

If you are over the withdrawl, why would you want to take pills again? is it because there is something you cannot deal with? is that not why we want to get high in the first place? What is going on with you? i don't want to beat you up and there is no condeming here, just want to understand so i can help others out here.

i have not had to deal with cravings and all that since i quit 10 months ago. and cannot understand the cravings that people talk about.

all the same- you are not anything less for doing it, and you are on the right track for getting where you want to be. so do not let this get you down. you have already killed the big bear.

[woowoo67]

You made it 2 months, so you know you can do it!  I made it 1 week and went on vacation and totally blew it!  When I sobbered up and got back to Indiana I felt guilty as hell and now I'm tryin again.  Stopping these dam pills is a *****!

good luck to you, you will do it!

[Kova]

Wow, you guys, thanks for all of the responses.  OMG, you guys are making me cry.  this is so wonderful to have so many caring people around.  i love you all.

Kova

[owhatamistake]

Don't let this bump in the road hurt what you have...2 clean months.  Get this....I did a 30 day rehab 20 years ago for drugs AND alcohol....I had 18 years clean UNTIL I started taking opiates regularly two years ago when I lost my mom.  Thank God I didn't pick up the alcohol again....*whew*.... I am now getting myself back together and I plan to have many, many more years clean!  This is a very valuable lesson for you and will make you stronger....dust yourself off, try some meetings or some sort of aftercare (very important!) and get right back on track!  Will power and desire alone just aren't enough. You CAN do it and I'll bet you will!  Good luck!

[worried878]

i dont consider that a relapse either..a bump...but it is ur decision to label it as such if u wish...and i do understand craving....perhaps physically/only dependent people may not,...mentally/physically dependent people/true addicts/ know ur pain and feel ur pain..it is a total witch.....and it is our coping mechanism/or the mechanism we have used not to cope..however u wish to word it/for a long long time...does it disapear just cos we quit...not no.. but he!! no...it was our escape mechanism...we can no longer be escape artists in life...we gotta step up to the plate like most of the human race has to do..and we do not learn this overnight...but we r learning and unfortunately for a long time when the going gets tough we will look for escape rather than facing our enemy...as we have made it a habit to do so...time heals...sounds like u r on track...u messed up and so do most...move on..shake urself off and forget about it...we learn from our mistakes...congrats for not going back to the dark side and continuing this behavior..as it gets us nowhere