coworker triggering me...yikes!

[akitagurl12]

So I better just get this out of my head before it turns into anything else....  I feel good today.  I have felt good for the last couple of days.  Well, there is this person I work with, who I used to take vicodin with all the time, who all of a sudden keeps bringing it up.  She quit before me, but has subsituted it with taking alot of something else, not sure, but whatever it is it has made her very, very lazy, to the point that her job could be at stake soon.  Anyways, lately she has been making alot of comments about how much more productive we both were when we were taking the vicodin.  I already told her yesterday she sounds like she is trying to talk herself into using again but she just laughed.  Well she just said the same thing again to me and it set off a huge craving in me.  After everything I have done to get clean, after everything I have said, I am sitting here rationalizing with myself that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I took a few.  Seriously.  Why can I be so focused one minute, and then the next actually be thinking these things?  I know relapse starts in the head and that is why I am here, posting this.  I just don't want her to get some and try to bring me down with her, because I know she doesn't like being high alone.  Oh this just S U C K S.

[selfinduced]

Yup, Yup, Now I remember why I think your an amazing analyzer with addiction. It is this train of thought we torment ourselves with that can distory our very existence. No way to live, or even exist . Well said my friend, Kita....stay strong, you've worked too damn hard. xx

[akitagurl12]

thank u:)

[Free2agoodhome]

Euphoric recall...I do it as well..I understand perfectly...


Try to think the buzz through to completion. I play a mental tape ...

The high was good at one time in my life...then it started to barely last an hour and I was popping more..then script runs out...then anxiety...then calls to dealer spending money i shouldnt, shady folks etc......then back to daily use ..then regret....then pile on more dope to forget i'm a loser...then loss of interest in family, friends...starting to sux at my job....late all the time ...looking like crap....not eating right..need a pill jsut to feel ok.......

I could go on ...but thats the tape i play about myself when those so called "good memories" come in....yeah i can get high,,,,but its impossible to "stay" high.....

stay strong....


Free~

[minn66]

Yay akita! So proud of you, girl :D

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

Ur inner strength is inspersperational way too go girl ur killing it

[Pat1956100]

I think it's wonderful that you came and posted and didn't wait until after, when it was too late.  That shows strength.  Lots of strength.

[akitagurl12]

thank u everyone.    You guys are so great & all said just what i needed to hear to help me get out of that trance. Another day sober DONE.

[Pat1956100]

You did the right thing by posting here.  
Misery loves company and she does want to bring you down with her.  She will feel much better if she screws up her life with someone else.
Just look at her and tell her "I have no desire to take any pills ever again".  Keep saying it every time she mentions it.  She will hate you for being so strong but act like you are so above it.  You will start to believe it yourself.
You are way above her anyway.  I could never picture you trying to push anyone's buttons and get them to use.  That is so low.
Love ya gurl
Pat xo

[Dixiechick72]

Awe!!! Yes yes I agree with everyone!!! Waz, sonrissa love it lol so do what u can in ur head to this B$&^€ and get out of there if it makes u feel stronger... Break the hold!!! Break the cycle. U already have but seriously break the hold she seems to have... U have come too far to relapse. U are the strength we have here. A role model to follow so don't u dare give in to her or those F ing pills ok. U are better then that. So beat the crap out of her ...shoot away.... Were not going to let u give in. She might be pulling u but u got a WHOLE forum here pulling u!!!  Be strong girl!!

[thewaz]

You said something in the end of your post that I can't seem to shake.  You said..I just don't want her to get some and try to bring me down with her.  Now Akita...you are one of the heroes of the forum.  And pills will always taunt us.  It is the power that lives within our hearts, souls and mind that will always prevail. That, and of course, a 2 x 4, Minn gun and I would like to throw in a huge face-down push into her desk.  Ahhhhh.   I felt that.  but..what you said indicates she has a hold on you.  F her.  She can't try or succeed at bringing you down.  Right?  She has no power over the all-mighty Akita.  Right?  She wants to use, continues to use and wants a partner in crime. I love Sonrissa's suggestion that you imply that is pathetic.  Because YOU are clean and are not going back..So get the H out of there and be proud of where you are.  When I freaked out a couple of weekends ago knowing I was going to be exposed to a treasure trove, this group held me strong.  We'll be tempted in many different ways and at many different times.  Remember the little trick my therapist taught me... Squeeze your thumbs in the palms of your hands so tightly it hurts.  Close your eyes and slowly inhale.  As you exhale, slowly release your thumbs and open your eyes.  Say a mantra in your head.  Whatever yours is...I am free of addiction. Do this 5 times.  By then any urge should be gone and you will have sore thumbs!!  But no pills. ; )

[Sonrissa]

Now that's the Spirit, Dear heart!

[133113]

Whatever you do, do not use.  You did the right thing by coming here and venting.  

I can tell you this, I have been a habitual relapser and it is because my close friends all use.  I have still not completely gotten away from them and because of that, I get clean for a bit and then I am around them and the exact scenario you are going through is what happens.  Basically, we discuss it and I relapse.

You need to tell her that although you are her friend, you cannot discuss that with her anymore and that if she brings it up again it will affect your friendship.  You do not need to tell her any details but be firm.

I know for me it always starts the same way, do yourself a favor, you have come so so far.  Do not look back, I envy where you are and wish I was clean as long as you are.

[akitagurl12]

Hahaha!  this poor coworker has no idea everything that I have done to her in my mind.... first I hit her in the face with a 2 by 4 thanks to Sonrissa & now I am shooting her!  LOL  I am ok now.  Sorry if I was being dramatic, I am just trying so hard and this took me off guard.  Thank you guys.  I will def. take the non-violent approach & just tell her to stop if she mentions it again. lol

[minn66]

Definitely leave for the day if you can!

[minn66]

Go to the vending machine and get some chocolate! ;) Looks like you're going to have to be blunt and tell her you don't want to hang out with her if she's going to start the pills again. If you think she's on something now she probably is, and her romancing the pills means she's definitely entertaining the thought of starting back on them. While you want to be a good friend and support her, you also have to look out for yourself.

Stay focused on how far you've come, post as much as you can, and distract yourself in any way you can (hence the chocolate). You can also use one of Pat's imaginary guns on her ;)

Hugs,
Minn

[Sonrissa]

Hey, if you can leave work early, and if you think that will help, then by all means, get yourself the heck out of there! Go out and do something fun or just treat yourself nice with something! You've got this!

[akitagurl12]

thank u:)  honestly, this is freaking me out, I almost think I am going to leave early for the day so i can get myself together.  I can't relapse again. This is the strongest and pretty much only craving I have had in weeks.

[hydro___fool]

Hi akitagurl12.   I would really have a heart to heart with her and tell her you NEVER plan on taking them again.  Tell her you break out in hives or something but for heavens sake....get her to stop talking about them.  I would being totally honest with her, but that does not always apply for the workforce.   Regardless..... you have to get her off subject and let her know you cant talk about it.   Stay Strong!    You have given me great strength during my battle.  

[Sonrissa]

Hey Akita! Get yourself a 2 by 4 and smack her upside the head! That will put her in the hospital and get her out of your face for a few days at least, right? Hang tough girl! Overcoming the temptation and triggers makes us stronger! Personally, I would look at her with some big puppy dog eyes, maybe tear up a little, and say "oh, I feel so bad for you, it's really pitiful"  You, are doing great and this is just a little blip on the radar! Sending you strength and a big ol hug!