day 2

[Heather8448]

I found a guy who was 4 years clean. Had worked the steps 2 times. We were an NA “power couple” whatever that means. Shortly into our relationship he relapsed. And it was a “1 time thing” people kept telling me to leave, but our bible study/church friends said not to give up. He used a few more times, each time he would use he would leave the house and drive around and eventually come home.

And every time he left a part of me would hurt and die inside, I knew this feeling was dangerous…
My meeting attendance was good still 4-6 a week ( I was hitting 7-10)

I started thinking that I was being judged because every time he’d leave I would cry and then he would come back we would be fine for a while. It was a cycle though and the more it happened the harder it was to reach out.
I had it in my head that as long as I stay clean and he used away from me I would be ok.
So Friday night we had to rewrite his payday loan to pay bills

He admitted to using earlier that day and he admitted to not wanting to stop. It hit me he didn’t want to quit. He told me to leave with all the money, My stomach was churning. I told him I would use with him hoping he would snap out of it and not want me to throw this away. Like love can conqueror all HA!

I could have called people, I could have left, I could have kicked him out. I made a conscience decision to get high because at least we will be together.

I’m sick and I don’t want to go back to meetings,
I don’t want to tell people I used. I have a heart issue and im having some discomfort and a migraine that’s lasted 3 days. Hopefully it will pass.

I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, but I don’t want to let him go.
I am not ready, I have 2 days clean and IDK if I want to stay clean, I don’t want to leave him. And in finding love I have lost my soul. I cant look people in the eye I feel like they know
I am struggling between us getting n staying clean together and this impending loneliness
I don’t want to go back down this road

We smoked 500 in crack in 24 hours. I cant tell people I cant start over I don’t want to hear their solutions
I am lost and alone and scared
This is me being honest…and idk what to do
Or if I am done I am so sorry I let you down
I cant face them though! I cant
this is the hardest thing I have ever had to write but I have to tell someone

[Jerry198]

WOW heather hell of a story and if you have been in recovery not much I will say you have not already heard but I will say this one little thing You can only save yourself in this situation your man will only suck you deeper down and if is willing to let that happen ?? really think is it love or dependence do you need him or have to have him don't waste your life plant your feet and make a stand to be clean and sober you have the power !! and next time make the call you will be 500 bucks ahead of the game..

[Kristen2015]

Hi Heather - your story really touched me.  I admire your honesty.  I know that your pay day was several days ago but i was going to suggest that you have someone that you trust to help with the money situation.  Maybe you could give your paycheck to them and have them pay the bills and only give you enough for groceries etc.  I know i would do this for one of my friends in a heartbeat.  I don't know your financial situaton but if you kept a running tally of all the money you are spending on drugs that could give you a wake up call as to where you will be heading if you don't stop using drugs now.  Being homeless and/or having your credit screwed up for years to come is not worth the short term high you get from crack.  You have to stop the crack at some point - so why not today?  

I am proud of you for having some clean time inbetween using.  You need to find something that you love more than drugs, like your life, your boyfriend, financial stability, your dog.  Stop the drugs for all the things that you love more than drugs.  Please let us know how you are doing.

[quitinoxys]

Hello Heather, I haven't posted on this forum for quite a while but today although came to me to check in. I completely understand how hard it is to get & most importantly stay clean. You need to keep up with aftercare as it is key to your recovery. If you feel like using get to a meeting immediately and talk it out don't let the drugs make your decisions for you. I will pray for you and ask God to give you the strength and guidance to get you through this. God Bless you.

[toothfairie]

Ditto to what refills said above....hang in there girl.  Praying for ya!  

[refills]

Heather we all know how this life can't beat us down at times. I don't think anyone could or should tell you what to do. Life is hard and often times be way to short. I can tell you that maybe there is a better life sober but I'm not going to do that. By being here today shows you have the good sense that God gave you. Unfortunately we get other things as well. Things and problems that make living life hard. Keep an open mind Heather and just remember. Life takes us on different paths to our destinations. Follow your heart and pray for guidance and please cherish your moments while your here without guilt. All My Best Wishes Always ..............ike

[Heather8448]

im here
was clean like 5 days and used again
day one again but idk if I wanna be clean i dont wanna be a crack head any more...but idk what I want right now
thanks for asking
pray i guess

[Goblin666]

How are you?

[Heather8448]

yes he says he wants to stop, he doesnt wanna smoke crack and he intends on stopping....
we both wanna stop doing it thats why I am stying with him for now...
if he had no intentions then he would be gone

[VICourageous]

What is he saying about all of this??Does he want to Stop too??
The good thing is that you both now know alot more about this Addiction then you did.
Pray you get back on track for your own good honey..lol

[Heather8448]

well I had 2 days and then blew it again
now I have 2 days and yes I am with him he lives with me for now
i still have faith we will work out he had 4 years when I met him and I know he can do this. I am at work so no meeting yet, maybe tonight but I am so tired and have to work 36 hours in 3 days. Plus I have a gi procedure wednesday that i am anxious about...not to mention its payday...I know I can not use its him and if its around I will but I am not ready to leave him I have faith it will work out somehow

[VICourageous]

Hey Girl!

Give us a update!!!
We all care so much for YOU.

Bless

[gnarly_1]

Hey Heather  congrats on 2 days...any day a addict does not use is a meracal ....you have been in the progam long enough to know that people relapse  it is a sad thing but true  the difference is we dont give up  time to put your recovery first once again  let this be a learning experience  you now know just how powerful this disease is your not in to deep yet to recover when I would relaps there was no shame in the progam  they all would tell me to keep coming back  time for you to do the same  the drugs are a one way ticket to hell on earth you know where this road goes  I just want to encourage you to get back in the progam  put you first and some day this will all be part of your memorores we will keep praying for you your friend Mark

[dominosarah]

Are you still seeing that guy?

[10356]

You blew only the Sobriety part Not what you have learned our felt Not the maturing you have done.. I was relieved to read day 2 Heather.. Congrats ! Payday come around think of your dogs think of your bills think of your rent. living on the streets as a addict is no way to live.. Please go to a meeting tonight today How about now ? Grab the support and pull yourself up.. Praying for you.. lesa

[Heather8448]

day 2...but idk if I can wednesday when I get paid...i didnt realize how hard it would be to bounce back I miss me... I blew 17 months of sobriety

[jifmoc]

Hi Heather. I'm so happy to see you on here. You have one day...that. Is. Awesome. We all have to start at one day.

I remember my sponsor used to ask me if I could stay clean til midnite. She never asked if I could stay clean for the next week or month. That doesn't exist. We don't have to worry about that. Hell, I can promise I will stay clean thru tonite, but that's all I promise. And I don't have to promise one more minute than that.

Can you stay clean for the next hour? I'm serious, literally, one more hour, does that seem like too much? If so, how about the next 30 minutes?

You are on here. You are reaching out. You ARE doing it.

[Heather8448]

I came on here to be honest because secrets eat me up I did tell a couple people who wanna take me to meetings and help me be safe, i dont know if I am ready
im scared and I now have 1 day clean I cant seem to get more than that since the post
i feel lost

[VICourageous]

Oh Girl Friend!
I just want to really Ditto all the Above. A few said some things that I would of said. Annie, Debbie, Sarah, Vicki and also Msdelight might have hit something. I also agree somewhat with Jifmoc as she did not sugar coat this.

I would like to add a few things on here. I too have watched you grow on here. I have seen you come in and take all your time back because of smoking a joint or taking some diet pill or something..THAT showed such honesty on here. YOU also know that some of us know about some of the things you did to yourself in the past..(physically). I do not want to say it out on the post..This is what worries me the most..YOU have also lost family & friends and your Dog lately like I did and others on here during our recovery.

I think you need to UP and re-arrange some of your Support system here. YOU have always been looking for Love since day one. LOVE will be there if it is Suppose too. TRUST in your God!! YOU know you do not have to use to keep him, in fact I think it would me the other way..Ha! KEEP!!! We do not keep anybody. Love is Trusting and Communication and the best friend you can have. Love is what keeps the Brain charged up. The Spirit flowing. Maybe YOU both need some one on one counseling. We go out and use for many reason and you of all people know this. Hardship, Depression, Life throwing that curve ball and on & on, but maybe this is the Time to look at other avenues toward your Recovery.

Girl do not worry about what they will say at the meetings. As mentioned above they do not toss rocks at you for this. They will reach out to you with loving open arms, as they do care.

I too could say so much more, but I will leave at this. I will be sending you a Big Hug with a Moose Kiss on the Cheek. I will be praying for you and him. WE all are only Human...DO NOT PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO ON A GUILT TRIP!!! Dust those Boots off and Tie them strings and start a walking forward and up one more time!! lol
Bless U always Dear
Vickie

PS..CHIN UP! Be proud of who YOU are and only YOU right now!

[meegWpaw]

i just have a second sugardoll but i wanted to comment here as well to show you my support.  i'm out to leave for a meeting mama and when i come back i want to hear that you did the same (i know its late there) or that you called someone ok?  i'll be back later and ill check on yas baby.  i know you love him and i understand that but who comes first?  thas right baby.  YOU DO!

<3  ♥  <3

i love you & im here for you
Meegy

[atthebeach]

Awe huni. You using with him is not going to make him love you or stay with you. When you came here two years ago you had been in the same kind of relationship. You are worth so much more. You are looking for love in all the wrong places. You have been working so hard on yourself and your recovery.
You deserve so much more. Please love yourself enough huni to put you and your recovery first. We love you heather and don't want to see you get hurt anymore.

[vicki595]

I'm sad to read all of this Heather and I feel for you. Please listen to what everyone is saying and do the right thing. Many of us have been in similar relationships and know how this will play out...

It's brave of you to reach out here but you also need to reach out to someone near to you, like your sponsor. You need some help with this because you're just not thinking clearly and some folks with a lot of clean time have told you what you need to do. Please listen Heather.

[dominosarah]

You have spent so much time trying to validate your self worth thru a man and now look what happened.  I hope and pray you figure this all out.  This isnt even close to what love is~

[Bubbleguppie100]

Aww hey baby girl! I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. I admire your honesty and asking for help. I am here for you. Xoxo

[IBKleen]

My heart is breaking reading this. I don't have anything fancy to say. In fact I really don't know what to say that you haven't already heard. I pray you find your way back..that isn't love. I pray you realize that before it's too late.