depression

[bolleraday]

hello guys,  i am so sorry but im feeling so low right now i dont know what to do, i  am a heroin addict desperate to clean up, i just dont know how, life just seems hard for me right now...when my mum died of cancer and my dad was diagnosed terminal i went backwards...im in an unhealthy relationship with a heroin addict also, who introduced me to it, i dont blame him but he spends his money on him i spend mine on bills first my daughter then our drug addiction, ive lost all my saving and he is happy to see me get in more debt, or maybe its the addiction taking over, i love to help others if i can but i cant even help myself...i wana clean up so badly , yes theres two side to every story im not perfect, but im so down and dont know what to do.. im like a monkey, ive never been alone in my life, i am so needy...anyone got any advice what should i do, get clean i know, watching my dad die is just to hard to do on my own, i wish i had family but the only family i have is heroin.... i want to get better, my mum and dad would be devastated, thank god they cant see me. any advice welcome,

[hjt101]

Hi Bolleraday

Hey I totally relate to all your sayin. I lost my gran whilst I was using and never even bothered to go to the funeral.......too interested in scorin/using. Never went to my bruvs wedn, wasnt there 4 the births of my nephews the list goes on & on & on. However...............now I have all & so much more now that Im clean and free of the shackles of my drug addicition. Yeah its been a REALLY hard journey these past 2/3yrs since I made my initial decision to get clean and to get out of my abusive/usin relationship. Ive slipped many times but today I am now 199days clean and free of all mind altering substances. Heroin & latterly Crack were my drugs of choice, they were all I cared about, I didnt even care about me!!!
You will get there one day honey if it is what u really want. Why dont u try Narcotics Anon, they have a website u cld look at or u cld attend a meetin. U dont have to be clean to go there. Or r there any drug services where u r?
I just clucked it on my own in my flat every time, but just over 6 months ago I finally realised that I cant & didnt want to do this to myself any longer. I had my family back in my life & was becoming dangerously close to losing them again. So I made the decision and got in the zone and got thru it. I did go to NA meetings in the beginning because I needed that support & it gave me a focus during the day, meeting up with people then my meetin in the eve.
We can all give advice on here but ultimately the decision to get clean & to stay clean will be urs.
Yeah the relationship can be tuf to break out of believe me I was with my ex for 18yrs then off&on the past cple o yrs but again I realise that Ill always luv him but Im not in luv with him and its better to be alone.
Yeah I get lonely - dont we all - but Im getn happier with myself and thats what matters to me now, likin me & findin out about me.
I hope u keep postin and I really really hope u get clean. It can be done, look at me!!!!!!!
Luv n Hugs xxxxx

[bolleraday]

thanks to all who have made a comment and try and help. it means such a lot to me.  its very true there are lots of thoughtful kind considerate caring people on here, i believe addicts are just so sensitive and caring and thats why they cant seem to handle normal life. i understand im not the only person in th world to lose someone they love, and actually made me think, i am a bit me ME ME ME, and thats wrong, i do care about others though, the truth is i know what i need to do, i just need a kick and to just do it, i am getting my medication sorted to come down, and im going to come on here and listen to all you kind people out there.  im going to have one or two glasses of wine tonight, it will stop me doing the brown quite as much. i cant wait for the day i tell you all im clean, in the mean time thank you all for the uncouragemeny and wise words from all that have been there xxxxxx

[worried878]

pain..feel it..but in fact everyone on this forum will die..every single one who posted..is that sad??? only if u miss the person/cos in many cases the one we grieve has lived a full life//they can often be tired and actually readdy to move to the level above// if it were my mom or dad. altho i am very aware that they will die cos they r not invisible nor superbeings..i do know the sadness will overwhelm me and it will hurt..another thing I know is when this huge LOSS hits me//and it will unless i pass first thru an accident or sumpin/i just know i would rather face the whole ordeal alone rather than with someone on narcs etc who is refusing to face anything at all...when people r in active addiction they lend very lil support to u/if any at all....it is like Maslowes hierarchy of needs...and addiction/obtaining that need can become over and above food or even water...addiction is not a sharing type thing that takes into account the other partner's needs//u need to choose ur goals...and c if ur goals match his...and always be safe

[dominosarah]

I know the pain you are feeling with your dad.......I lost my dad a few years ago to cancer and i buried myself in my addiction......the truth of the matter is the drugs made it worse.  You have been given wonderful caring advice from the above posters so i cant really add anything except to say you can get off H and start living.....we are here for you, keep reaching out.......you are not alone, we are right here.       sara

[Kevin_Bacon]

Boy. I usually stick to the medical stuff when I post, because I've learned a lot of medical stuff on my own (my educational background makes it a lot easier to get through the vernacular used in journal papers), and through the advice of a brilliant addiction doc ...

I DO know about depression, but, as anyone will tell you, you've got to get off this stuff with medical assistance. I've lived in similar circumstances, where there were modest amounts of prescription narcotics available ... modest, but enough to get you back in the ditch again.

That means disentangling yourself from your "other," unless he wants to clean up his act. Could very well be one of the nicest people around, but you know what these drugs do to you -- ethics, morality, responsibility take a back seat to feeding the thing: You're being played, darlin', and you can't get out unless you both clean up at the same time, or you get help and hang on to your little one.

It's likely that Option 2 is the only way out ... please get help, now.

And keep coming back to this place. I can't believe how many thoughtful people are here.

[10356]

Hey bolleraday.. really sorry to hear of the pain you are suffering... I know the pain you speak of.. I also had a junkie partner.. There was no way I could get clean with him.. heck with even getting clean walking away from the H would have been impossible.. I had to make a decision and had to decide my priority's and what was important in my life.. He was not.. That was the last time I used.. It has been many years I have married raised a family and have my daughter.. Your future is in your hands and the decision you make.. money is spent everyday for a fix.. think how much you would have if you made quitting a Must.. Your life has been waiting for you to rejoin it.. It is difficult thinking you are alone but you do have your daughter.. lesa

[worried878]

I am sure ur mum and dad would hate to c this from above..in my faith i do beleive they can..i feel my grandma sees everything i do...ouch...fact is u r in a situation that makes getting clean very difficult,,,u would have to change lovers and this can be dfficult..what is ur long term goal?  what do u think ur mum or dad wanted for u??? what id u want for urself 20 yrs ago???gotta have a goal..where u wanted to be in the first place...or u can never get there...but i am wlling to bet this was not ur choice..not ur goal in life???

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

I will try and think of something a little better for you - - but I am watching my mother die as I type - - and I couldnt do it If I were still getting high ...... maybe you can change your perspective and thinking ..... not dumping on you because I have been where you are writing from ...................