enabling

[greeneyes16]

All my friends on the site tell me that I need to learn not to enable  my son who is now in rehab ....... He has no car ..he was in a car accident before he went into rehab ... It was his fault ...I took his cel phone away ......Has no access to his money ....  He will be in rehab for 14 days ..When he gets home ..Then what ?  I need any advice that you can give me ........I'm scared !!!!!!

[lisa6013]

Hi,

How old is your son?  Not that it makes much difference, just curious...  You know that your friends are right.  If your son can still get to his drugs of choice somehow, than he will continue to use...  You say that he is in rehab for 14 days.  Is it rehab, or detox?  Usually rehab is at LEAST 28 days....  I have been in detix centers several times, and before they released me each time, they would have a plan in place for either a longer term rehab and/or therapists, psychologists, outpatient daily substance abuse program or whatever...There are many reasons people enable their loved ones.  I know that you love your son, but you want him to live!  Since you have access to a computer, go to www.artsandentertainment.com.  They have a show (you can watch it if you have cable.  They have pasat episodes on demand).  The show is called "Intervention".  You can see how families enable their loved ones, what happens when they do, and what happens when the finally decide to stop enabling.  It is my favorite show, and has won awards.  Your son needs to understand that there will be consequences if he continues to use once he is out..  If not, why would he stop?  He is VERY lucky to have a parent that cares for him as much as you do, but remember, you don't want to LOVE HIM TO DEATH, which is sometimes what happens when family enables their addict family member.... I wish you the best of luck, and wish I had more advice.  Take it from an addict...me....

hugs...

[greeneyes16]

My son is 25 .......But his insurance aetna does not cover rehab so he went on medical assistance.... My hands are tied for the time of treatment ..Wonder if they tell me that his stay is over ? what can i do ?  Thanks I sure need help ......

[lisa6013]

i am sending you an email privately... go to My med help (the red heart), and you will see the message...  lisa :)

[avisg]

I wonder if they have like a sober house program so he can learn to live without the drugs? That might be a good question to ask

[peaceinknowing]

I'm not sure how anything you mentioned above would be enabling -- unless you're talking about something that was done in the past when he was on the drugs all the time. When he gets home, keep the rules in order that you had for him in the post above. Keep the cell phone and keep him on a short leash. I know that sounds weird coming from a 28 year old female who is around your son's age -- but I've had to learn the hard way [in the past] that the best way to keep someone's nose clean is to be the mother and/or father in the situation. Keep your head up, and my prayers are with you right now.

[greeneyes16]

This just all happened ..I was in total denial ........ Not my son ..untill he came home from college & i was wondering who this kid is ..My buff kid was not so skinny & his personality changed ...while hes now in rehab i erased all his numbers from his phone & am starting to Learn how to tough love ...Any inputs would be greatly appreciated....I sure need help.....

[LateAugust]

I am also the mom of an oxy addict.  I read your previous posts  and it reads like you have been dealing with rehab and detox off and on for the past few months.     First and foremost I want to tell you I understand and know the pain you feel,  and how very much you want to save or help your son.   And I know how much your heart is broken.  Not at all what we expected to ever experience from or for our children......  and eventually you get to the point where you are so afraid they will actually OD  or will kill themselves with the mixture of drugs they are taking   and the mgs. are beyond comprehension  you face reality.   And for me,  my decision, I decided to do all I could not to lose my daughter to drug addiction.  Right  wrong or indifferent  that was MY decision.

My daughter has gone thru rehab 3 times,  and you name the program she has been in it.....   you can read my previous posts if you want some specific programs that worked the best for her.....  and for our family.      I don't understand the word "enable",  addiction is not a carte blanch disease nor is it's treatment, nor is any individual.    People can tell you  and will  often here  in this forum "let them go,  they have to   hit rock bottom"     however in reading these posts for several months,  if someone relapses here, no one says "go hit rock bottom I am not talking to you until you are sober for 30 days"   rather  the forum will give them a lot of encouragement to " get back on the horse" and try again.......  yet  we as parents  are expected to turn out our children  if  or statistically  WHEN they relapse in early recovery?   I don't get that philosophy,  for others if it works,  I applaud you,  for me it simply was not an option.

This has been the hardest fight of my life.......     and I think it is paramount you establish boundaries of what you are willing to do to help your son,  or if you believe it best to turn him away until he decides to get sober,  remember this is YOUR decision and one made with great love,  but no one knows you or or son or your family of what is best,  and what you feel in your heart is right for you and your child.

I have had to lock up my jewelry   all my banking documents  any medications  car keys  disconnected cell phones  ( however they will forget to take a shower   but never their contact's telephone number)   drug testing   it is an endless list     and quite frankly disgust me I had to take  (and continue to do so) such actions, but anything less was not an option.

For now   today   my daughter  is 7 plus months sober       but the drug tests  and many other regulations are in place as is continuing extensive out patient treatment,  for her the physical w/d was much easier than the mental  a few weeks post w/d or detox.    It finally got thru my head that 4 or 5 weeks  wasn't close to enough treatment for her.     It will take a  very long time to rebuild the trust,  and that knot in my gut is still there,  but I have hope  and for a long time  I had none.

I will pray for you and your son,  you know this is not the life he wants,  nor the person he should and can be again,   search your heart and soul     and never forget the strength of a mother or her love for her child.  Follow your heart.   My thoughts are with you  and yours......

[scaredmom330]

I also am a parent of a son addicted to soma's and alcohol. The problem I have he is 28 and lives with his girlfriend also addicted and their two children. I live in another state and had to play the tough love move. I refuse to talk to him if he calls high or drunk. I tell him I love him but to call back when he is sober. I cannot send any money, it will just go to drugs. I have to send birthday presents for the babies to his brother, removing all tags, so they can be returned for cash. it is so hard. just know you are not alone. sounds like you have a good plan in order. pm me anytime you need to talk. know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.

[mtgoat911]

my mom went through the same stuff with me, sent me to rehab, took me to addictionoligist, 12 step meetings, paid for my maitinece drugs, they are such good people, my addiction sent my mom into a deep depression and my dad who can fix anything was crying himself to sleep, they never gave up on me but learned to detach with love which is something they learned in alonon, my dad hating the meetings but my mom started going to them all the time, became close to other moms going through the same pain, before the meetings she had to carry the shame of my adidiction in comple silence,
i actually went through the pain of watching a loved one use when my husband refused to stop suboxone when i got clean, i lived with him and his matience addiction the first year i was clean, finally i got the courage to do something, i left and told him he needed to go into detox and live at a half way house and start the steps before i was even willing to deal with him again, he has now been completly clean for 4 year and in 21 days i will celebrate 5 yrs clean and sober, i never lost hope that he could get clean because i did it, and even after 20 plus expensive treatment centers my mother never gave up on me, it is very common for addicts to use after treatment, we never know when it will take, usually its when the addict has lost money for matience, been through all their money or  their parents or spouse stop paying for their drugs, some may even get to be homeless or almost dead, its such a nasty disease i never thought i could escape my addiction but one day in my 20s i had just enough i could stand of myself and my destitute state, i hated who i had become, it was just time for me, i am hoping your sons time id coming soon and he wakes up one day and says no more

[LIZZIE LOU]

oh what a fine line between helping and enabling.  i think that most times...that we, as parents of an addicted child...dont know the difference between trying to help and enabling.  we love our children so much...and when they hurt...we hurt.  we get this idea in our heads, that we somehow can just love them sober...but it doesnt always work out that way.

i have three sons that are addicts...2 active and 1 is 3+ years clean from crack.  believe me when i say that "I WAS THE QUEEN OF ENABLING".  as a matter of fact...i wore my crown proudly.  why?  i "thought" i was helping them ! ! ! !

over the last couple of years...i have learned to refocus my love.  i still have that passion to help them...it's just in a different way now.  my passion is focused on their recovery and doing everything possible to see that it happens...WHEN THEY COME TO ME AND ASK FOR HELP.  i have learned to support their recovery...and not their addiction.

i am no longer involved in their addictions...i've done my time ! ! !  there is no more arguing with them about drugs.  i do not discuss what they "are" doing...but i will talk about what they "can" do.  i no longer allow my sons to be in my presence if they are high or drunk...no slurred speech...no dilated pupils.  if they are visiting me, and they need to make a run somewhere in their cars...they are told NOT to return.  if their body is twitching or they are talking fast...they are told to leave.  am i being a hard a$$?  i dont see it that way.  to me...i am not enabling.  allowing them around me while they are high...is enabling them.  it's saying that i accept it...and i dont ! ! ! !

want to know how to stop enabling?  just ask yourself this one question when you are in doubt.  is what i'm doing focused on their recovery or their addiction?  you dont have to turn your back on your son...you just have to learn how to focus your love on his recovery.