encouraging a friend to help out his father get help with cocaine addiction

[Michelle]

About a year ago a friend of mine found cocaine and a large amount of money in the bag of family friend.  Since then he was suspicious of his father using the drug.  Little things have come up over the year to make him belive that his father was using cocaine.  He attempted to talk to both his mother and father about the situation, but not surprisingly, it was denied.  Finally, my friend found his evidence.  He found cocaine in a small bag in his father's pocket and in another pocket he found it wrapped in a dollar bill.  Now that he knows that this is definately true of his father, he is too afraid to talk about it.  His family  certainly does not get an "A" for communications, but this definately needs to be addressed.  I have tried to encourage my friend to talk about the situation, but he is very hesitant. He has trouble showing his emotions and I am afraid that he is going to let this pass by.  I have delt with a similar problem with my father and alcohol and I have tried to give him advice how to go about it, but understandingly, he is afraid.  Can you help me encourage my friend?  Thank you

[KARA TO DAWN]

Hey!!  I know exactly how you are feeling right now!!!  I have been clean and sober for 3 years and 12 days now, and 4 months after my husband and I decided to get clean, he started using again!!!  He now has 2 years clean, thank the lord!  But I absolutely hated for him to be high, it literally tore me apart!!!  I could never explain to you in any words, how it made me feel to see the man that I was so deeply in love with, and that I had chosen to be my partner in life, be high on the damn ****!!!  He went back to prison for 6 months, and he has been clean and sober ever since then!!!  I give all the credit to the lord up above, now I am not a religous nutt, not that their is anything wrong with that, but I will say this, I prayed and prayed and prayed and had faith in the lord, and I tell you what my husband and I are living proof that prayers are answered!!!  All I can say to you is have faith, and pray to your god, whenever you get the chance, 50 times a day would be the best.  Drug Addiction of any kind, whether it is pot, pills, crank, coke, heroin, or whatever, is a very extremely powerful thing, there is only one thing more powerful than drug addiction and that is GOD!!! Please dont think that I am preaching to you, because I am not, I have never even read the bible, just the psalms, and I dont go to church, the last time I went to church was 2 and half years ago, I am just a recovering addict, who while in recovery had my husband start using again, and I know that the only thing that is going to work is to pray and have faith in your god. Trust me, I know what I am talking about!!!  My husband has 2 years and 1 month clean, I have 3 years and 12 days clean, and we now have 2 beautiful boys, we are raising our nephew who is 10 years old, and we are now parents of an absolutely adorable and beautiful 7 month old baby boy.  All thanks to my God!!!   I know the pain and heartache that you feel right now, and if i am remembering right, it is actually beyond pain and heartache, it is undescribable to see the person you love totally distructing themselves, believe me I know that pain, and it is worse than anything I have felt so far in my life.  I know when I was in your situation, I knew that I loved him so very much, but at times I hated him so very much too, especially when he was using!!!!   I used to raise so much hell with my husband, even get very violent with him, I used to knock the **** out of him, I am not recommending that to you cause It won't work, maybe for a minute but that is it.  The only reason I did that was because I fear Nobody, especially at that time, I was 20 years old, and you know I am very big for being a female, I am 6 foot 2 inches and at that time, I was about 250 pounds, so you know being young and big like that, I thought that it was the way to do things, beat people up, but it is not!!!  Any ways, also I want you to know the more you nag at a drug addict the more reason you give them to use more and more, and the more you nag at them, the further away you push them from you, I know trust and believe that.  I have been there my friend!!   Good luck!!!  If you need to talk to me about anything just e-mail me, ok?  ***@****

[Dawn]

everyone answering or participating seemed young.  My life it seems has been dealing with a close loved one with a cocaine addiction that grows bigger by the week.  It has caused him to be arrested for unforseen pushing and shoving when coming down from a week-end of cocaine use.  His paranoia is indescribable and every day I came home to someone different.   It finally tore apart our home and destryed the respect I had for him.  Now I am trying to recover from the nightmare of being the spouse of some one who was so loving and kind that now spends all his time and money on his addiction and is in total misery.  My loses equal his even though they differ in ways.  My distress is realizing you can't love him better, you can't cry him better and you can't beg him to be better.  If there is anyone living this kind of nightmare, you know how much dispair this can cause and I often wonder when is it time to say this is enough.  I am not currently living with this person but we are still joined and I still wish every day for his recovery.  The hopelessness always lingers.

[pete]

whats the matter?......

Does anyone have anything else to say....  did anything happen with michelle.  how about you kara?   or anyone else...  I'm still doin it...................

pete

[pete]

HEY KARA...  THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE RESPECTFUL RESPONSE. I hope Michelle and her boyfriend make it work with his father.  I myself am kind of skeptical about the meetings but am willing to give one or two a shot..  I will see how i feel after.  As for you, you sound like a person who was dealt a bad hand in life and made something worthwhile out of it..  I know i can stop in my heart,  I'm a very strong willed person.  A scorpio.  I just cant figure out why I actually do it.   It does not make me feel confident at all.  And aside from that, here's the killer, I'm on a anti-anxiety medication for Panic attacks.  Cocaine actually makes you anxious...  I must be ******* crazy.  The two combined are most likely cancelling each other out...  Well, My story is a long one, but the attacks started when i was thirty.  only a year ago.  thats also when i started the cocaine.  No, the cocaine came after the panic.  Hey, write back if you want to tell me a bit more about you...

take care...  AND MICHELLE.... IF YOU SHOULD READ THIS,  GOOD LUCK.. I'M AWAITING GOOD NEWS FROM YOU....

PETE

[Michelle]

Pete and Kara

Thank you both for responding.  I have spoken about this in lengthy conversations with my boyfriend and I let him read what both of you have to say.  He decided that he is ready to take the risk before his situation gets worse.  He is now just waiting for the right time (within the next couple days, he hopes).  Thank you for your time.  I will let you know how things turn out.

Michelle

[Kara]

pete, i seriously did not mean to disagree with you at all!!  I think that if I had never had a parent that did drugs, I would have given michelle the same advise that you did.  But you should know that as an addict that there is nothing or no one in this world that can make you quit using drugs until which time you are ready to quit.  Some people never quit, well they take it to their graves with them.  I do not go to meetings at all I have been to maybe 10 meetings in 3 years, if that.  I am not saying that they are not good for you, because they can be.  I just believe that in and after becoming clean and sober some addicts turn their drug addiction in to another form of addiction.  I hope that you become clean and sober soon good luck.

[Kara]

michelle,
Hi!  I hope and pray that everything goes well, hopefully it will!!  I didn't mean to sound like I was totally against the idea of your boyfriend confronting his father, because I'm not.  All I wanted you to know is that I've been there, and what happened in my situation.  But not every parent is the same.  I know it is heartbreaking, and more than just that its an unexplainable feeling when you find out one of your parents are on drugs.  The automatic first thought that came to my mind as a young child was, Oh my god my mommy is going to die, I have got to help her to get off of drugs!!!  And now over 13 years later, my mother still does drugs, and my father well he's doing 8 years in prison for having 2.2 pounds of crank.  It's not fair to us, because we take on the role as our parents parents.  They (our parents) are supposed to be the ones looking out for us, and keeping us off of drugs.  I wish your boyfriend all of the luck in the world!!   If you need anymore advice please E-mail me at ***@****

please give us an update asap!!!!!!

[pete]

kara,  you sound like you are totally disagreeing with my opinion.  that is ok, everyone has an opinion, and for that matter, what do i know, i'm an addict to.  but, i think i would die if people who i respect and those who respect me found out that i was doing this...  what is there to lose..  if the kid threatens the father into quitting, it may work... who knows.  what do you have to lose.  well, possibly a father?  you probably have more experience in these matters than me, because you attend meetings. i am presently looking for a meeting near me that i can attend.  well, i hope all goes well with michelle.

pete

[Kara]

Michelle,

I am a 23 year old recovering addict.  My parents are also addicts.  When I was growing up I knew my mom was on drugs, I would see her doing them.  I hated my mom for doing drugs.  I would cry and literally beg her to quit.  But it only seemed to make things worse.  The disease of addiction is a very, very, powerful disease.  And no matter what a child says or does, most of the time parents wont quit or seek help.  My mom sent me to live with my aunt, because of confronting my mother about her using drugs.  I am not saying that all parents react this way, but I know from first hand experience of already being through this and not only that, but I am now a recovering addict, and trust and believe the more someone tells you to get help when you are using any kind of drug, the more that person is going to go the opposite way.  This is the truth of things, I don't want to sound like I am against the idea, because I am not.  There is just no way to stop someone who is active in their addiction, theyhave to mke their own minds up themselves, and that is really all there is to it!!  GOOD LUCK!!!!

KARA

[pete]

michelle,  i have a cocaine problem.  for about a year now..  i want to stop, and i would be willing to say that your friends father knows that what he's doing is really wrong.  and i think that in the back of his mind, he wants to stop also...  this thing with me is potentially going to ruin a lot of important things in my life...  if i could offer any kind of advice to you, please talk to your friend, again.  tell him that sometimes the kid has to be the grown up.  he should let his father know how he feels about it, and possibly threaten him into stopping with the thought of other family members finding out.  my biggest fear is that family or friends will find out and that they will lose all respect for me...  this is why i want to stop.  i tried to attend my first ca meeting tonight, but, no one was there.  i probably should have called first..
feel free to write me back, i check this site almost every day now.  looking for some answers for myself.  take care...