Aa
first post
Hello everyone –
I have been looking for an active forum for a few days now, so I thought I would introduce myself:
Up until about 8 years ago, I was a long term heroin addict/methadone/alcohol – a junkie and a drunk with all the miseries that accompany such a life. After many attempts, I was finally able to get clean by going to detox and rehab, and then stayed clean since then by attending meetings, support groups, counselling and totally and fundamentally changing my lifestyle, attitudes and behaviours. I quit smoking 6 years ago, I work, study at university for a career I love, have relationships with my family and friends, and my life is better than I ever could have imagined.
EXCEPT
I take 24 to 36 Nurofen+ per day (infrequently up to 42 per day), and no one in my life knows about this. This is literally the only secret in my life. (thats 12.9mg codeine and 200mg ibuprofen, I'm not sure what the equivalent is in the States)
It started totally innocently – knowing that as an ex-addict I need to be ever-vigilant of becoming re-addicted to anything, I avoided all codeine for several years but eventually stated taking Mersyndol Day Strength ( 9.6mg codeine, 500mg paracetamol) for my severe chronic tension headaches. For quite a while it was appropriate, medical use but then I think one day I took 3 for a really bad headache, and as well as killing the pain I got that warm and fuzzy feeling, a shadow of the heroin rush that I used to live for, and I suspect with that the beast was wakened. Gradually, insidiously, carefully so that I could maintain my denial, the frequency and number of Mersyndols increased, bright yellow pills that became my secret and my new friend, and way of “dealing” with the stresses and fears of life.
My using escalated to 10-12 at a time, up to three times a day, but I started having deep fear about my liver, which had already been through so much, and reading on the internet the potential death due to paracetamol overdose, I changed to N+. (The signs of addiction are clear – denial and lying to self, not stopping the pills but getting a different brand, yet still I justified it to myself. Amazing levels of personal dishonesty.) The N+ likewise crept up and now I take 2-3 doses of 10-12 N+ per day.
I have stopped periodically but always pick up again, and the last few times I have tried to stop have been half hearted, and I haven’t even made it a day. The consequences for me have all become negative, I don’t even get that rush feeling anymore, just feel vaguely groggy and ill. My health has suffered – anaemia from stomach bleeding probably, periods of incredibly swollen legs, constipation, feeling ill and sickly, fear for my kidneys and liver and overdose, no energy, no motivation, uni work starting to be affected, sex drive gone, self hatred, terrible discomfort at not telling my friends the truth, loss of the freedom of being clean and un-addicted which I so loved a few years ago.
What has made it harder is that no one knows. Unlike my previous using, I am functioning; successful person now, looks great from the outside, no rock bottom to make me surrender, and no one pushing me to go into detox.
So when I found this board, I realised that this is my opportunity to talk with people who are in the same situation, and to use it much like I used my support groups eight years ago. The relief of finding that others also take such huge quantities of ibuprofen and paracetamol (and are alive – I have become so scared of kidney/liver failure or death) and who have been able to stop, is just wonderful.
I will finish for now, written so much already, but I hope to be posting here as often as I can, to get this secret of mine out into the light, to get really really brutally honest with myself about the extent of my problem, to come to the decision to quit and then as support for when I am quitting. I have a hard 6 weeks ahead in terms of work load, so I am not sure how cold turkey would go - my plan so far is to try tapering, then CT as soon as exams are done. (However, I know myself, and I have always been an all-or-nothing kind of person, and have never manged to control any addictive substance).
Thank you all of you, has been great reading all the posts.
Have a great day, wherever you are!
Alex
I have been looking for an active forum for a few days now, so I thought I would introduce myself:
Up until about 8 years ago, I was a long term heroin addict/methadone/alcohol – a junkie and a drunk with all the miseries that accompany such a life. After many attempts, I was finally able to get clean by going to detox and rehab, and then stayed clean since then by attending meetings, support groups, counselling and totally and fundamentally changing my lifestyle, attitudes and behaviours. I quit smoking 6 years ago, I work, study at university for a career I love, have relationships with my family and friends, and my life is better than I ever could have imagined.
EXCEPT
I take 24 to 36 Nurofen+ per day (infrequently up to 42 per day), and no one in my life knows about this. This is literally the only secret in my life. (thats 12.9mg codeine and 200mg ibuprofen, I'm not sure what the equivalent is in the States)
It started totally innocently – knowing that as an ex-addict I need to be ever-vigilant of becoming re-addicted to anything, I avoided all codeine for several years but eventually stated taking Mersyndol Day Strength ( 9.6mg codeine, 500mg paracetamol) for my severe chronic tension headaches. For quite a while it was appropriate, medical use but then I think one day I took 3 for a really bad headache, and as well as killing the pain I got that warm and fuzzy feeling, a shadow of the heroin rush that I used to live for, and I suspect with that the beast was wakened. Gradually, insidiously, carefully so that I could maintain my denial, the frequency and number of Mersyndols increased, bright yellow pills that became my secret and my new friend, and way of “dealing” with the stresses and fears of life.
My using escalated to 10-12 at a time, up to three times a day, but I started having deep fear about my liver, which had already been through so much, and reading on the internet the potential death due to paracetamol overdose, I changed to N+. (The signs of addiction are clear – denial and lying to self, not stopping the pills but getting a different brand, yet still I justified it to myself. Amazing levels of personal dishonesty.) The N+ likewise crept up and now I take 2-3 doses of 10-12 N+ per day.
I have stopped periodically but always pick up again, and the last few times I have tried to stop have been half hearted, and I haven’t even made it a day. The consequences for me have all become negative, I don’t even get that rush feeling anymore, just feel vaguely groggy and ill. My health has suffered – anaemia from stomach bleeding probably, periods of incredibly swollen legs, constipation, feeling ill and sickly, fear for my kidneys and liver and overdose, no energy, no motivation, uni work starting to be affected, sex drive gone, self hatred, terrible discomfort at not telling my friends the truth, loss of the freedom of being clean and un-addicted which I so loved a few years ago.
What has made it harder is that no one knows. Unlike my previous using, I am functioning; successful person now, looks great from the outside, no rock bottom to make me surrender, and no one pushing me to go into detox.
So when I found this board, I realised that this is my opportunity to talk with people who are in the same situation, and to use it much like I used my support groups eight years ago. The relief of finding that others also take such huge quantities of ibuprofen and paracetamol (and are alive – I have become so scared of kidney/liver failure or death) and who have been able to stop, is just wonderful.
I will finish for now, written so much already, but I hope to be posting here as often as I can, to get this secret of mine out into the light, to get really really brutally honest with myself about the extent of my problem, to come to the decision to quit and then as support for when I am quitting. I have a hard 6 weeks ahead in terms of work load, so I am not sure how cold turkey would go - my plan so far is to try tapering, then CT as soon as exams are done. (However, I know myself, and I have always been an all-or-nothing kind of person, and have never manged to control any addictive substance).
Thank you all of you, has been great reading all the posts.
Have a great day, wherever you are!
Alex
Good morning and again thank you for your kind replies-
tzt - yes, I am trying to taper by delaying the time between my normal dose hour/first onset of craving to get comfortable with the sense of "wanting but not acting on it" if you know what I mean, I am mixing ibuprofen and acetaminophen (sp?) to try to minimise the effects of each but still get my dose of codeing (lordy lordy how did this craziness come back into my life!!) and to take one or two pills less per dose - so say no more than nine, wheras a week ago it was 12. Most of all I am practicing two things a) a really really conscious awareness while I am taking them - normally I kind of blank out so as to not feel the reality of how much s*** I am throwing down my throat and how distressed I really am about it b) at all other times, not thinking about the pills, not anticipating them, not looking forward to them or saying stuff to myself like " when I finish this essay I will treat myself with a big dose". Minimising their stataure in my head excepjt for the rightful awareness of the poisoning and addicted effect they have on my life.
Phew, that was a mouthful - I have always kept a journal, and I think I get most clarity for myself when I am writing, and especially if I am trying to express myself to another person - so that is my "clarified" LOL tapering plan. Thanks for saying that about having great holidays - I will pin that to my wall as a reminder
3grlz - gosh your stomach story sent a shiver through me - when my doctor found I was extremely aenemic he wanted me to do an endoscopy, colonscopy etc but I refused because he doesnt' know about the ibuprofen and I kind of knew what they would find in my stomach anyway. And hope's situation too - the reason I changed to ibuprofen was that the paracetamol was making me ill, I think I actually overdosed once on it (not the codeine, differet all together), felt INCREDIBLY nauseous, ill, faint, sweaty, this was at uni and I just had to walk out of the lecture and go crash on the grass. Having been a heavy alcoholic, I know my liver has had a rough trot, so I changed to ibuprofen, because I always joke that I have a cast iron gut. Well, even iron rusts under enough abuse, and i think my poor tummy is rusting. I feel sad for my body.
Thank you for your kind words of welcome, I am studying in the area of neuroscience and counselling, I adore it and hate the addiction that is even starting to impact on that.
See you around here I hope!
tzt - yes, I am trying to taper by delaying the time between my normal dose hour/first onset of craving to get comfortable with the sense of "wanting but not acting on it" if you know what I mean, I am mixing ibuprofen and acetaminophen (sp?) to try to minimise the effects of each but still get my dose of codeing (lordy lordy how did this craziness come back into my life!!) and to take one or two pills less per dose - so say no more than nine, wheras a week ago it was 12. Most of all I am practicing two things a) a really really conscious awareness while I am taking them - normally I kind of blank out so as to not feel the reality of how much s*** I am throwing down my throat and how distressed I really am about it b) at all other times, not thinking about the pills, not anticipating them, not looking forward to them or saying stuff to myself like " when I finish this essay I will treat myself with a big dose". Minimising their stataure in my head excepjt for the rightful awareness of the poisoning and addicted effect they have on my life.
Phew, that was a mouthful - I have always kept a journal, and I think I get most clarity for myself when I am writing, and especially if I am trying to express myself to another person - so that is my "clarified" LOL tapering plan. Thanks for saying that about having great holidays - I will pin that to my wall as a reminder
3grlz - gosh your stomach story sent a shiver through me - when my doctor found I was extremely aenemic he wanted me to do an endoscopy, colonscopy etc but I refused because he doesnt' know about the ibuprofen and I kind of knew what they would find in my stomach anyway. And hope's situation too - the reason I changed to ibuprofen was that the paracetamol was making me ill, I think I actually overdosed once on it (not the codeine, differet all together), felt INCREDIBLY nauseous, ill, faint, sweaty, this was at uni and I just had to walk out of the lecture and go crash on the grass. Having been a heavy alcoholic, I know my liver has had a rough trot, so I changed to ibuprofen, because I always joke that I have a cast iron gut. Well, even iron rusts under enough abuse, and i think my poor tummy is rusting. I feel sad for my body.
Thank you for your kind words of welcome, I am studying in the area of neuroscience and counselling, I adore it and hate the addiction that is even starting to impact on that.
See you around here I hope!
You have real cause for concern on the stomach and liver issues. I was taking big quantities of ibuprofen as well at one point and had an endoscopy done - my stomach lining was so torn up and it tooks weeks and weeks of taking these huge chalky horse pills to get it back to normal. Ibuprofen is so hard on the stomach - and some of us have a predisposition for this - acetaminophen is much better, but again, you have the liver concern there. Now I have heard on this forum that the liver cannot process more than 4000 mg. per day which seems like a lot, but not for us folks. There is a girl on the forum who is really awesome - I love reading her posts - her name is Hope (hopeless) and she had an episode - I think it was even this year - where she was hospitalized - a real scare involving her liver. I can't find her whole story - it must be too far back in the posts, but she could tell it to you and that may give you that wake-up call you need as to the very real physical dangers we face! You are not alone here - this forum os full of terrific people and may be just what you are looking for. This is very much like a "meeting" for 12 steppers, I think, and it's even handier because you can sign on when it suits you. I founf much help here and I'm sure you will, too.
So you are going to start tapering off? Actually thats partly how I got off the pills. I tapered down to about 4 of the 4 mg pills a day and then just stopped altogether. I used other meds for about a week to help w/ the withdrawal symptoms and then stopped them altogether.
Best of luck to you, Im so glad you have the time off coming up, it will allow you to get over this addiction completely. We have been around the block, we know how to do it. Arent the pills just annoying? Goodness, especially once one has done heroin! I cant believe those little "appetizer opiates" hooked me like that. They arent even that good, yet become so "necessary" it seems.
Hang tight and start decreasing by half or one pill a day every three days. You will get there and will have the best holiday ever!
TZT
Best of luck to you, Im so glad you have the time off coming up, it will allow you to get over this addiction completely. We have been around the block, we know how to do it. Arent the pills just annoying? Goodness, especially once one has done heroin! I cant believe those little "appetizer opiates" hooked me like that. They arent even that good, yet become so "necessary" it seems.
Hang tight and start decreasing by half or one pill a day every three days. You will get there and will have the best holiday ever!
TZT
You are a champ! Good on you mate!
I relate a lot to the little battles with the brain, its like little conversations between the bit of me that wants to take them, the gemlin, (and so minimises all the negatives, comes out with BS like 'just one last time', says to quit tomorrow) and the bit of me that knows I need to stop. And you know, the secret to staying clean is exactly what you are doing, winning the battles one battle at a time.
I need to attend uni for the next 6 weeks and then I have three months holiday, there is no way that I can take time off before then. I can start trying to take less, I have serious concerns about my stomach, and I really get no rush, no 'stone', no pleasure out of them at all, its more just avoiding hanging out.
All the best for your first day back at work, take it easy on yourself, be gentle, and maybe organise something really yummy for dinner or some activity that you enjoy for after work, just to have something to look forward to. (Sorry for the unsolicited advice - LOL - I am just recalling how I got through the early days and months of being clean before, and the suggestions are as much reminders for me as for anyone else)
Alex :-)
I relate a lot to the little battles with the brain, its like little conversations between the bit of me that wants to take them, the gemlin, (and so minimises all the negatives, comes out with BS like 'just one last time', says to quit tomorrow) and the bit of me that knows I need to stop. And you know, the secret to staying clean is exactly what you are doing, winning the battles one battle at a time.
I need to attend uni for the next 6 weeks and then I have three months holiday, there is no way that I can take time off before then. I can start trying to take less, I have serious concerns about my stomach, and I really get no rush, no 'stone', no pleasure out of them at all, its more just avoiding hanging out.
All the best for your first day back at work, take it easy on yourself, be gentle, and maybe organise something really yummy for dinner or some activity that you enjoy for after work, just to have something to look forward to. (Sorry for the unsolicited advice - LOL - I am just recalling how I got through the early days and months of being clean before, and the suggestions are as much reminders for me as for anyone else)
Alex :-)
hey i was on codiene around 20 a day, the withdrawls have not been to bad for me headaches, achy limbs and restless legs where my big problem, i did my best to carry on with day to day activites but i dont think i could have went to work, i was off on holiday all week, back tomorrow and feeling good about it although a little nervous. i agree alot of its mental, i find myself haveing little battles with my brain, but so far i have won every time. there is no way i could taper i know that much about myself, if they where here i would take them. i am not goin lie its not been easy have you anyone who could help you through it, a partner, family friend? someone who you can trust to get you through this? my husband has been wonderful, i dont think i could have done it without him. remember how it felt when you got clean from the heroin!! and also remember you can do it dont be scared please keep posting let us know how it goes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you both so much for replying - I am still trying to work out how this forum works, what is the protocol and rules etc - but I am so grateful for you saying hi. Good on you both for being clean - my god, when I was a heroin addict, being clean was unimaginable - then I got clean, and using became unimaginable - and now I am back in this hellish world of dependency, and I can't remember what its like to spend a day without using pills or trying not to use or thinking about them.
A part of me is scared to go cold turkey, not so much because of the pain (been there, done that with methadone withdrawals) - but because of the work load for the next six weeks, but mostly because I am scared I will realise I cannot stop.
Mousey25 - may I ask, how are you finding the withdrawals? were you on big amounts of your tablets, and have you been able to keep up with your daily routines while withdrawing?
You know, as I am writing this, it has hit me that the ONLY reason I am not going cold turkey is because I am scared. The rest is just excuses! So much of this is mental.
til next time,
Alex
A part of me is scared to go cold turkey, not so much because of the pain (been there, done that with methadone withdrawals) - but because of the work load for the next six weeks, but mostly because I am scared I will realise I cannot stop.
Mousey25 - may I ask, how are you finding the withdrawals? were you on big amounts of your tablets, and have you been able to keep up with your daily routines while withdrawing?
You know, as I am writing this, it has hit me that the ONLY reason I am not going cold turkey is because I am scared. The rest is just excuses! So much of this is mental.
til next time,
Alex
Welcome to the forum. I have a somewhat similar background, minus the alcohol. I did lots of heroin adn went to detox, stayed clean through meetings for almost twenty years. Then my back began hurting and eventually I took vicodin for relief. My body didnt care "why" I took it, the addiction was awakened and over a few years I increased my dosage.
Now I am around seven weeks or so clean off the pills. This forum has helped so much and the people here are great.
I hope to see you around so keep posting
tzt
Now I am around seven weeks or so clean off the pills. This forum has helped so much and the people here are great.
I hope to see you around so keep posting
tzt
hey alex welcome to the forum!!! its the best place in the world, like you i to was/am addicted to 8mg codiene and 500mg paracetamol, as a nurse i thought i could handle it boy was i wrong!! i am now on day 4 cold turkey and doin not so bad, believe me if i can do it you can, i couldnt even stick to a diet before this!! there are lots of wonderful people on this board and the other one who are a fountine of knowledge help and support! can i just say with taking such high quantieties of ibuprofen you need to stop know because you already have aneamia which could already mean you are bleeding a little from your tummy.
as i am knew to all this there is very little advice i can give you except be strong and keep posting here, the guys are fantastic seriously, very soon you will get replies answereing all your questions ok
good luck, keep posting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
as i am knew to all this there is very little advice i can give you except be strong and keep posting here, the guys are fantastic seriously, very soon you will get replies answereing all your questions ok
good luck, keep posting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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