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flooded with thoughts
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flooded with thoughts

what do u do when things u ve done in the past embarrass u? i ve done few things unknowingly or sometimes no most of the times i knew what i was doing was wrong. it never struck to my mind till now. now these thoughts keep juggling in my mind and i feel so embarrassed about it all. i sure have alot of making up to do. i try not to think about them but cant. it s torturous when it keeps coming back. i wish i wouldn t ve done any of it. i wish i could go back in time and mend them. i really brought bad name to myself which is alright cos i was doing them, but i feel bad i brought bad name to my family. it s crazy how drugs make u do things which u might not ve done being sober.
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1827057_tn?1397523877
I know exactly what you are saying even though you were kind of vague about it.I really think this is a symptom of later withdrawal.I have this exact problem alot and alot of the stuff I think about and am embarrassed about is just such trivial and stupid little things but in my mind when I start thinkingf about them they just seem so huge and important and overwhelming.I am sure that alot of these things have long been forgotten by the people we said and did them to.  These thoughts will lessen with time.  I hope you feel better just hang in there you are doing well
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Avatar_f_tn
Gunn.
We've all went thru this. all of us. if someone says they haven't they are either lieing or using. when we finally accept were an addict we feel so many emotions. i cried a week or more. i was appalled at what i was willing to do. i had my car reposed. can you say rock bottom?? and i also kept thinking how lucky i was to not end up in jail.

There's hope for you. what really changed my thinking is this.....yes my family was upset disappointed. but it reality all they want is for us to stop. they don't hold us to the high standards of guilt and remorse we do to ourselves. they just want mommy or daddy husband or wife well. because they are not addicts. they think we can just stop. and when we do stop they are like yes...i knew he or she could stop.

Grieving our addiction is good. it reinforces how much we disliked drugs in the end. did you ever use and look back and think what a waste?? i didn't have fun?? why did i choose to do that again?? how long has that thought if yet been rolling thru your head??

I know your tired. don't feel well. it takes so much energy to stay clean in the beginning. but yesterday i thought about all the wasted time i spent chasing drugs. it was a second job. and alot of my friends are on pills.and these douche bags get mad at me that i won't get pills for them. what kind of friend are they??

Where's your wife in all of this? My husband is a recovering addict so we can talk about addiction. can you talk to your wife?? or get a counsler to talk to. or meetings?? another question i want to ask...did you start with heroin or did you start with pills and graduate?? hw long have you been in active addiction?? give me more information.

I am a female. and females think differently then men. not a had thing. just different. as little boys y'all are trained to be strong. suck it up. don't cry. man up i think its called .

But gunn you've got to let those feelings flow. we've been numb for so long. and a little thing feels like a epic thing during this time. its natural to feel embarrassed. angry. and any other feeling you have. this is work. you've got to work for sobriety.

Why did you use?? what were you running from?? There's no right or wrong answers. ok?? i ran from stress. i wanted to escape my life. in 04 my husband was hit head on. over 23 broken bones. i wAsn't the provider. i would get a panic attack thinking how was i gonna support our family. i literly felt like a single mom with three kids.my observation of recovery is there are markers along the way. After 30 days we hit a bump ...were learning to accept addiction. 60 days were accepting sobriety and know recovery is for life. or we think we can go back and use just a little. we forgot the detox. the withdrawls ajd justify....i can handle it now. 90 days we go around in our head again. the body will try one last time to get its drugs.

Remember your feeling everything new again. our emotions are on overload. it will pass. give it a week. what is or was your favorite thing to do before drugs?? your favorite thing?? can you do that?? treat yourself to something fun?? like keep going to six flags to ride rollercoasters. it can he anything. read a new book. music. a get together?? a movie you wantnto see. or buy something you've really wanted that you didst get because the drugs were more important another thing to do is spend time alone with your wife. even if it is dinner and going to a motel. parents need down time again. promise me another thing. if your not feeling emotionally healthy get your fanny in to a doctor. he or she has seen it all and heard it all. 99% of people want to help you. and being embarrassed will get in the way if you seeking help. another question is why did you stop?? who for?? hugs bama
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1747349_tn?1332687280
You didn't indicate whether you were in recovery, but I'm assuming you are on that road. Every addict/alcoholic has events in their past they wish they could take back. I know I do. Do you go to meetings They were very helpful to me for the first years of my sobriety; still are today. If you are attending meetings, find a sponsor and ask them to help you with making amends. It's one of thge steps. "Make amends whenever possible unless it causes further harm." Good luck and God bless. Keep me posted.


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1827057_tn?1397523877
I think gunn is like 120 something days clean  with a very tiny relapse of just one use day or something.  
I think I will have to accept that I will probably just continue to do and say some stupid and embarrassing things even while clean as all of us humans do.lol
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1892616_tn?1333773538
i feel like a fool man when they come to my mind. i wish i have a remote for i could just change the channel over to something else.
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1827057_tn?1397523877
They will go away  in time.I do know what you mean though.THose thoughts have so much weight.Even the little things.
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1892616_tn?1333773538
i started with opium and then heroin. i did it for 14 yrs. about 4 months now off it.
i do talk to my wife but there r things i feel so embarrassed about that i really don t want to even think of them. but it s like a movie that once starts doesn t end. it  snot that i m worried that i might use again cos i m really done with it. i hate the feeling of getting druged. i had a relapse few days back i felt like **** the next day. i don t understand how i didn t feel the same for 14 yrs when i was using it. may be bcos i was never sober.
thanx bama for sharing ur story.
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1892616_tn?1333773538
i don t go for no meetings. i m presently living at my country house keeping myself away from all that makes me want to use heroin. this forum is all i ve got. i did make some wonderful friends here who keep me company almost any time of the day.
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1827057_tn?1397523877
I run like 3 to 5 miles every day and I don't really feel right until I do.O think moderate to brisk exercise helps us opeheads because of the endorphin thing and it also helps put alot of these thoughts into their proper place.
If you could I would highly recommend it.It truly does give mental relief that lasts longer than just a few minutes
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1892616_tn?1333773538
i too started going for a run. i run for 5 kms evry evening. yeah sure it helps.
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1892616_tn?1333773538
it s when u r alone u tend to think crazy stuff.
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2079321_tn?1333666577
Brother I know were you coming from. I was lucky enough to beat an alcohol addiction 10 years ago. 1 thing I learned that early in your recovery this is the time it's okay to be selfish don't get stuck on those thoughts now. take care of yourself. the rest will come later. even the respect will come back. don't beat yourself up.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes. remember that old saying " idle hands are the devils playground"? isolation can be a good thing and a bad thing. how long have you been alone gunn?? Please stop thinking of the embarrassing negative things. focus on your accomplishments. everyday is a huge accomplishment. do you set goals for the day. week. month. year ?? it really helps me. and do you journal?? get all that stuff out of your head. read it. then burn it. it will set you free. we've aol done some dumb embarrassing things. drugs do that. but i do dumb things sober too. do you like being sober?? i ask cause some people don't.
I have a gut feeling your gonna slay your dragon. i can feel your determination. you keep it honest. and that's key. when we get honest. we beat this awful disease.
Why??
Cause this disease is full of lies. false senses of security. blanketed by fear and depression. emotions run wild. we want to forget about what we did. but we can't forget all the embarrassment and shame. if we do we or at least i will relapse. what do you think
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1892616_tn?1333773538
very true bama
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Avatar_f_tn
They teach about humility in NA and aftercare; I too am a victim of embarrassing actions and words and things Ive done. I found that over time and thinking (not obssessing on them) that Ive accepted that was who I was and Ive forgiven myself. One of the steps is to make ammends with those that you did wrong. Its a step everyone of us will eventually have to take but as time passes,,I know that everything I did wrong or not is not going to make the world stop spinning. I will apologize when I am ready,,if it is not accepted then it becomes theor problem and not mine anymore. I own the things Ive done. But I forgive myself. I was sick. Chin up~Bkitty
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Avatar_m_tn
just be like..lesson learned,,you had life experience...everyone will have regrets,,i know i do...try not to dwell on them,but learn from them...you have a long time ahead to do what you feel is right...time will heal slowly...bad thoughts will fade away..take care..
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1235186_tn?1339127464
it is true we have all said and done things or there are things that we didnt do or say  that we wish we could go back and do or undo. a "do over".

not being the addict but living with my husbands addiction for 14 years there are many,many things i wish i would have done differently, then maybe he would have stopped sooner, maybe my children wouldnt have used, maybe we wouldnt be in such financial strains, maybe our marriage would be better. so many what if's,so many unanswered questions and it can bring so many sorrows, bitterness and unforgiveness towards ourselves and others.
we cant go back. yesterday is gone, we have to move forward and not make the same mistakes again. we have to forgive ourselves and the ones who hurt us and ask those we hurt to forgive us, and to be sorry for what we did. bitterness and unforgiveness are like a cancer an acid that will eat at us. it is also another lie from the enemy of our soul that is trying to keep us depressed and tell us that we are never going to get better and they( the ones we hurt) are never going to forgive us.
we have to forgive, live and let live, there is healing. when those feelings of dread,hurt,sorrow come i have to speak to that thought and take it captive so i dont dwell on it. i pray and ask GOD to help me each and everyday with this.
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1767882_tn?1331412769
Hey man, I sent you a message.
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1747349_tn?1332687280
I'm glad that this forum makes you feel better, gunn. Just hang in there! It was very tough for me, believe me, and I embarassed myself quite frequently. But now, that was 18 years ago and I have to laugh at some of the situations. Someday I hope you will too. Good luck and God bless you, my friend.
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Avatar_m_tn
I know exactly what you are talkin about , hell, i dont remember very much of 80's or 90's , maybe a few concerts where they didnt, allow alcohol, unfortunately i am alcoholic as well as addict and use to black out and fight with anybody & everybody! i continued to live with that shame every mornin until opiates then thought that was gonna control my drinkin , and it did , for a while, but then i went crazy on them.
I'll tell u how i deal with it, I think ,, really we are only here for a speck of time in the realm of things and when were gone whats really gonna matter ,,what i did earlier or later,, to my soul & heart, i just know i been makin some calls and doin some apoligizin cuz when I die I want to die w/clean heart.I got tired of fightin the world.

from what ive read you seem like a good soul, nice & genuine, so on to the future , try not to think of the past.
take care.
OTF-no more
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