help for daughter

[kimbie]

My 23 year old has been in & out of rehab for heroin addiction. Our family has gone through all the phases of her addiction. Stealing, lieing etc. etc. anyway, she has come to me several times wanting to change her life & wanting to move back in with me only to go through AGAIN the stealing etc. etc. I know SHE has to want the help & I don't want to enable her at all! Anyway, she has been on her own for about 6 months & 4 day's ago she has come to me & has no place to go, wanting to change etc. etc. She has a step-dad that I have been married for 11 years. He's at his wits end with her as I am. I love her deeply & can't keep going back & forth with this. Calling crying, no where to go, for me to PLEASE help her. She say's she is not on drugs & I can't help but not to believe her. She say's she needs help. She wants to get on antidepressants but not sure if any doctor will prescibe her any with her addiction. She say's I will do everything you say Mom. As a mother I want to believe her. I don't want to make this about me but it also has been. We are wiped out as far as money. She say's she doesn't need to go in anywhere she really just wants to change her life. She is here now but it is putting alot of pressure on my marriage. I'm afraid! I don't know what steps to take?, I don't know if she is honest, she say's she needs me to believe in her. Any advise????????

[di2121]

Reading what you said about having daughter committed. Well, I would like to know HOW can you do this when they are over 21? I would do this but it seems it cannot be done if they feel that she is not a threat to herself?  Any info you can give me would greatlty be appreciated.  Desperate for help

[sasc3]

Hi Kimbie, just read your post and don't even know what to say,you have so much going on in your life, words won't even come out,just know my thoughts and prayers are with you.if you want to just talk i'am here.take care

sasc3

[Savas]

So you've already tried involuntary commitment...*sigh*

Then you can at least know you've done all you can. I'm sure you know this, but cancer is often considered an illness associated and affected by strong negative emotions. Therapy for them often focuses on making them see/have a positive emotional state in there whole life.

I'd say you need to focus on your own health and well being. Your daughter's behavior is toxic to your soul and it's seeping into your body. The one consultation I can offer is that many addicts hit a point in their life, usually at 30, 40, or some milestone age and wake up and decide to change. Hopefully she'll reach that point sooner than later.
I wish you good thoughts and may lady luck smile on you in dealing with the cancer and, well...everything!

Beachtowel, did you know the average methadone patient generates about $10,000 dollars a month for the clinic, chargeable to insurance? Big surprise it's such a popular treatment. They've been looking for a way to make money off of addicts for years. This way the get the best of both worlds, all the money generated by the illegal heroin market, and all the money off of legal methadone patients.

[BonnieAnn]

You surely are a strong lady, and so much more. You've got a lot on your plate right now. I thank you for your kind words.
I know you are grateful for everyone's prayers, compassion and kind words. You are also fortunate to have a loving and supportive husband.
Anytime you want to chat, please feel free to e-mail me:

***@****

Keep your chin up and have a great day! I'll be around.

hugs and more hugs, Bonnie

[kimbie]

Also, just wanted you to know I did read your post & sorry I did not acknowledge it. I am sorry your going through what your going through. It is comforting to hear kind words from someone who try's & understands. I wish you only the best & say prayer's for you also. Take care of yourself sweetie! There are people who care! I am one! Keep me informed

[kimbie]

Thank you soooo much for your prayers! I NEED all the prayer's I can get. I'm hanging in there. Not that age matter's but I am only 43 & not the type to feel sorry for myself I am a strong women!  I'm really hoping my daughter steps up & changes her life. Not looking for sympathy it just has been really tough!! I love her & pray all the time that God will heal her mind, body & soul to be the beautiful person I KNOW she is! Thanks again. I'll keep you informed!

[BonnieAnn]

I could not begin to imagine what you are going through. I read your post just now while I was having my morning coffee and I just sat here and cried.
I put on the screensaver and said a prayer for you.
I posted you yesterday to give you my perspective as the child, not the parent. My story was probably little or no comfort to you.
Now, that I have read more, I would not even pretend to know how to give you advise. Except, take care of yourself.

God Bless. Many hugs to you, Bonnie

[kimbie]

I hear everything all of you are saying & my heart goes out to the parents who have posted. There is a huge history. I have marchman acted my daughter 3 times. First time she was in 30 day's, 2nd time 10 day's, 3rd time 2 day's. Over crowding & they felt she was not a harm to herself. She is a good maniputlator! My self & family gathered almost 14,000.00 to put her into a Narconon program which she only stayed about 6 weeks. Jumped a balcony & escaped. She said she did want the help but she has had this boyfriend for 4 years & wanted to be with him. This last time of having her marchman acted the police found Heroin in vechicle, her & her boyfriend tested postive for Heroin use. Boyfriend got arrested daughter got Marchman acted. Boyfriend is now serving 18 months in jail & My husband & I heard when he gets out he is hunting us down. Not really scared much. That is when daughter went to friends & then asked to come back month's later. I have researched & researched this addiction. None of my family wants to deal with this anymore. Not to turn this on me or look for sympathy but have another problem... I went through Breast Cancer last year, double Mastectomy & cancer free! I went through 6 months of this & daughter came to see me only one time! I just found out yesterday I have Ovarian Cancer & Friday I am going to an Oncologist. I just don't know how much more I can take. My daughter wants to be here for me but I feel if she uses me at a time like this or maniputates me I won't be able to handle it. I HAVE to make this about me & she wants to step up & be here for me but scared & don't really trust her. Husband wants to get a nurse if I need it.Any advise??

[beachtowel]

you would not believe how many Methadone clinics there are in the Detroit area..........

There growing like weeds......it amazes me that its still all about money........

Methadone its legal, addictive....a big frigging money making machine.............

Our government should be so ashamed how they treat drug addicts.........

[NewLeaf]

Try telling that to an addict........... as you know they live moment to monent and at best day to day. 6 - 8 weeks of staying in control enough to check in daily so you arent bumped and 30 days off of a drug the ***system put you on in the first place because they won't pay for suboxone or an implant because they have been lobied by big greedy companies  is **** and you know it. There need to be changes in the system, reforms. Lets face it drugs, weather they are legal or illegal are cash cows for big companies and drug cartels............ who do you think the guys in office listen to when it comes to taking in the campaign funds????????????  Addicts on the streets, I think not.  

[beachtowel]

Mental Health is where a lot of funds come from for these rehabs......
and yes when people have to depend on state money for help there will be a line to stand it it is the way it is insurance cards and cash are taken first.........

But the help is there and I would go through all the bull**** I had to go through to get the help...
what is 6-8 weeks after all the years of h e l l        

[NewLeaf]

I agree getting people into the right rehab, behavior modification programs would be the best answer but if there is no money, who pays?  The state/county funded programs don't even touch on behavior modification and have a minimum of 6-8 weeks of wait list to get a "paid for" bed, not to mention all the hoops you have to go through to keep yourself on that waitlist, check in every day or you are bumped, can't be on methadone for 30 days because the doctors won't detox methadone but will detox heroin...... each time it is a slightly different story. let me tell you, this is where the work really lies, it is getting spending for real rehabilation and health care.

P.S. my daughter used up my inheritence on rehab programs before she was 21 so this kitty is empty, dried up, nada, gone............

[beachtowel]

If it is any consolation to you there actions are no longer in their control.......
To understand the addiction, the addict and what goes on in their brain is a very scary thing........

when they steal and lie to you they can't stop there self, the drug has taken total control of their thoughts no matter how hard they try to fight it they will circum and surrender to the drug everytime...

When people get deep into addiction there only hope is inpatient behavoir rehab for a minimum of six months where they can't leave..........
Therapists are golden and punishments for distorted thinking must apply to retrain the brain that what they have now come to the conclusion of acceptance is wrong and that there rationality must change its not easy but necessary.......tough love here is better than wondering if there living in some dope house or living in the streets.........

I'm sorry what your going through but if you can get them into a place like this it would be a blessing in the long run.........

[Savas]

Yeah, well keep in mind my family and Ihad stopped talking to each others years BEFORE I'd started with the drugs (And I was considered a "success back then, even by some of their standards!)  So there's no surprise it's still like that. I would guess if you've always had a dialogue, children will keep coming back.
Sasc3, I don't know what to say. Short of having her committed (which you could do, and may not be a bad idea) beach & helpless and others are right. And even if you did, an I.C.  (commitment) wouldn't guarantee she'd stop.  

[NewLeaf]

You are not a bother. There are many of us in the same place as you. I won't try to minimize it, IT HURTS when you just had so much hope build up when she came back and wanted to get clean after 12 years. IT HURTS because I know as a mother you will always love and always have hope that your child is safe and happy in their life.

Short of driving the streets and walking the streets looking for her (which, believe me, I have done) there is nothing you can do except wait and continue to love and hope. She will have to make her way back to you unless you go and find her and then what? What if she doesn't want to come back, what then? How did you cope for the 12 years she was gone?

Make a plan as to how you can help her the most when she does make her way back to you is my best advice. Making a plan is good for several reasong. First, it gives you something to do  which helps us control our hurt knowing we are doing something pro-active. Second, you will be prepared for that phone call or visit from her.  Find out if your state has any state funded rehabs... check it out online, give them a call, know the numbers and possibly the names of places she can go for help if detoxing at home isn't an option anymore. Many have waiting lists, so find out how to do these things quickly so when she returns you won't waste precious time.

My heart goes out to you and I am here, just drop me a line if you need to.

[beachtowel]

What so many don't understand is the psychological addiction and how parts of the brain are effected.....
hard drug use and long time drug use change the way the brain thinks makes decisions, emotions....

Heroin really is hard...................just because when used with a needle can really do some damage.........

Before any of these types of addicts can even want to hear about drug rehab first they must go through a behavior rehab for six months to change the cognitive thinking and all the distortions that go with it.......

One thing the addict will not want to go believe me they won't........but for any hope to drug recovery I recommend this route first......

[beachtowel]

Welcome to the forum,

Your post is very sad and I can only imagine all the mental angish that you have gone through....
This forum should be for people to vent to ask questions about sons and daughters lost in addiction.......
Many here are still using so don't get upset by some of there posts.....
Have you seen an addiction counselor? Just to talk......and ask questions.......

Im here for you if you would like to talk.........

[sasc3]

thank you for your reply, sorry to bother any of you,but my daughter has lost 3 of her children,4 dui's all because of her addiction,she is so depressed she also has hep c.she was on a ventilator for 7 days,and i crocheted her afghan for her funeral,but thank god she pulled through with liver damage ,kidney damage,her youngest son was taken as soon as she had him because she tested positive,now she is here in my state, I just heard today that she used all the drugs last night,and her boyfriend told her he was done with her,so now she is at a drug house taking anything and everything,I called the # she called her boyfriend from and ask her what she was doing she said getting relief mom,she said she would call me back in 10 minutes and it's been hours now.boyfriend said that he and my-self could make the funeral arrangments, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO ? SORRY TO BOTHER ANY OF YOU BUT JUST HAVE TO TALK.

[NewLeaf]

That is exactly what we did with my daughter and her husband knowing exactly what you said about the hardest thing an addict faces is the incertion back into normal life and it requiring a support team or system. Also knowing that no one else was willing to support them in this aspect of their recovery because everyone else was of the frame of mind they were ****addicts and a piece of ***.  Contract, rules for respectful living, job requirement, savings plan - even to the extent of creating an excell program so they could just plug in the numbers and see the effect regular pay checks would make - At first my daughter tried hard and had a good job but her husband did nothing to better the situation and began using again and draged her back down in the process. None of it helped.

You know, my biggest fear is that she will never speak to me again like you and your family. But I have to live with that knowing I have truly done everything I could and now it is up to her. If and when I talk to her again, I will give her your advice about pleading guilty to the new charges and try to stretch it out so she can finish her court ordered drug program for the previous drug charges. CA has 3 strike law which they do enforce.

Hope your headache is getting better :)

[Savas]

That's a tough one. You want to believe but she's broken trust with you so many times, how can you know what's true?
Is there anyway you can confirm that she's clean? A treatment program she's in/left? You could always demand she take the at home drug test weekly to be sure she's clean.
The hardest thing an addict faces isn't the withdrawal, but the insertion back into "normal life". Most don't make it without outside support. Family, a rehab, something. There's warrants to deal with, health issues to deal with, you have to rebuild credit and deal with old debt, update/get i.d., get a job with a gaping hole in your life on your resume from when you were out of control...the list is endless. The longer you've been out of commission, the longer the repair time. And most recovering addicts can't even find a place to sleep (something you suddenly care about when you aren't high all the time!) It's why 1-2 year rehabs exist. They take all this into account (well, good ones) and help you deal with it.

I'd say what you need to ask yourself is can you work up an agreement with her that she will stick to (keeping in mind (for her especially) it's YOUR home, YOUR rules. Don't even put it in terms of child/mother, think of it as a "Special" lease agreement. (I'm serious, write up a monthly rental contract, even if it's her old room. it'll let her know you MEAN it to, if you can call the sheriff's office to have her evicted!)
AND, can you enforce the rules if she breaks them? Including throwing her out?
If not, you shouldn't do it.
If you do, I'd go over all the rules in writing, in advance. Weekly drug tests, NA meeting requirements, sponsor requirements, job training, actively looking for work, curfews, no dating, make all appointments, etc...Anything you can put on it. At least there'll be no misunderstandings and she'll understand clearly what she's getting into.

I can think of one time I went to my family for help when it could have made a difference (only time I ever did). They said no, and I haven't spoken to them since. That was 12 years ago. I'm in my own recovery now and doing fine, but I doubt I'll ever speak to them again (More going on obviously than that one time, but it was an opportunity to start a dialogue where there wasn't one, and we all made our choices, which we now live with).
     So I'm a little biased on this issue and may not be the best person to take advice from, but there it is nevertheless.

[3 1/2 yrs sober]

I am so sorry that you all are going through this!  I wish that you all could talk to my mother personally so that she could tell you what you need to do!  Thank goodness for you all, I know what she would tell you, lol!  AL-ANON now for you all!  It will help you tremendously!  You may hate it when you first go, cause you won't like the message you will get.  Helplessparent, you hit the nail on the head, you have become addicted to your kids.  At least you kids get to get high and get some relief, but you parents seldom get relief.  I can totally understand what you all are going though, I have a 3 yr old and have a huge fear I will go through this with her.  My husband and I both are addicts and have been sober for 3 1/2 years.  There is hope.  I don't know if you all know the serenity prayer, but it goes like this
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
Amen
I cannot stress how improtant Al-Anon would be to all of those who are close to an addict, especially an active addict.  You cannot change them, although you can change yourself and how you deal with the addict.  If you try to keep them from hitting their bottom, (that every addict has to hit before getting sober) you can kill them!  Now on the other hand if you try to help them hit there bottom sooner, by not participating with their lives and dealing with all of their bull ****, you may save their lives.  These are the things you would learn in Al-Anon!  I wish you the best of luck.  And know that if I sound like I am putting your addicts down, that is not my intention, I too was once one of those addicts, who put my parents through hell!  I love you all and keep posting!

[NewLeaf]

Thank you for your comment and insight about tough love. Intellectually it is easy to know it is the right thing to do but on an emotional level - WHEW - it is tough. Tough love is aptly named because it is as tough for the parent as it is for the child. There are times when I believe parents have to deal with their addiction........................ to their kids..............

[NewLeaf]

Well, there are a lot of us out there, parents with children who have addiction problems. The story is always the same, lies, stealing, manipulating until they get what they want. I too have reached the point of complete tough love for my daughter over the last few weeks. Be happy that your daughters don't have children... Mine has 3 and that is the hardest part, knowing the innocent children are with the addict parents. My heart goes out to you and we have to listen closely to BonnieAnn about tough love and how to pull back so they have no other choice but to take care of the problem. All our helping does is prolong the inevitable. The fact is, they are the keeper of their souls and are the only ones able do what it takes to become sober. God knows, we all love our children and want them to be happy and as parents we will do anything to keep them safe but in the case of addiction, the addict uses this to their advantage in order to keep using. I know too,  that as a parent I would be willing to go through withdrawls for my daughter so she wouldn't have to. The problem here is that we can't, only the addict can. I will be there for her if and when she is clean and sober and will support positive steps then and only then. I am here if you need to chat.

I hear and feel your pain - peace to you all. .

[tooklastdose]

They have to want it.