Aa
here i go again
Here I go again, called the dentist crying dry socket he said he'd call me in something. I've been 3 full day without one thing feeling pretty good and here I go again. I always find some kind of resource to rely on. Pills the are like candy to a baby. What an addict
Can you give them to someone to hold for you so you won't take more than prescribed...I know dry socket hurts like a *****...would it be tolerable with Motrin? You are doing so great...it's worth a shot! We're all still addicts, no more or less than you! Don't beat yourself up over this and as Beach said, we get in the most trouble when we throw up our hands and say "F*** it!" Don't throw in the towel yet!
Marcie
Marcie
Hey Cat - Stick around for just a couple mins ok? I have a couple random thoughts to share with you. Maybe they'll help and may not, but what have you got to lose right? Give me a min I'll send another post in two secs...
Peace
/D
Peace
/D
I know it's so f****** hard but you are at day 4 cat....Believe me...I still crave those evil devils and I remember at Day 4 it was bad, more mentally than physically...they are not candy...they are poison to those of us who abuse...don't let this take over your life again. You know you are strong enough to do this...it is just a mental tug of war and you really can do this! You've proven how strong you are...I would have never been able to work but you did! I give you soo much credit for that. Give yourself some credit and have faith in yourself. Stay here and talk to us!
Marcie
Marcie
I realize I'm new to the forum and this complex painful world of fighting off the addiction. As such I don't necessarily think I know much of anything, but I will share a couple ideas for what it's worth. I'm sure others here would disagree with me, I guess we're all coping differently.
First thing is the idea of making someone take your pills.
No disrespect to anyone, but I think if the only way you can cope is by relying on not having the pills readily accessible, two things are going to happen in your mind: First you've just given responsibility to someone else and avoided taking it. I think this essentially plants the notion in our minds that we don't have the power to do it (I will strictly avoid the religious implications because I have noted many posts with religious overtones/comments, and I'm not here to offend anyone or debate religion!). But if you're giving the power over this to someone else by relying on them to keep it away from you, then you are telling yourself that you cannot do so.
I realize that right NOW you feel like you don't. Self-doubt is poison and I think me and everyone here feels the same too damn often.
But DEEP DOWN inside you, you know 2 things - first that you DO have the power yourself to do it - it just carries a heavy price. Second, that nobody else CAN.
PLEASE dont interpret this as preaching - just offering ideas for you to ponder. Maybe they resonate with you, maybe not. Worth trying though :-)
The second aspect of this is that at SOME point, you will always have access to the drugs. You can't rely on not having them or having access. Maybe for a short time it would work, and if you need to do that today to make it through then whatever works you should do! But long term, eventually you'll come across those little demons again. And if you have no one with the power to keep you safe from them, and have given your own power away - then what?
(more coming)
/D
First thing is the idea of making someone take your pills.
No disrespect to anyone, but I think if the only way you can cope is by relying on not having the pills readily accessible, two things are going to happen in your mind: First you've just given responsibility to someone else and avoided taking it. I think this essentially plants the notion in our minds that we don't have the power to do it (I will strictly avoid the religious implications because I have noted many posts with religious overtones/comments, and I'm not here to offend anyone or debate religion!). But if you're giving the power over this to someone else by relying on them to keep it away from you, then you are telling yourself that you cannot do so.
I realize that right NOW you feel like you don't. Self-doubt is poison and I think me and everyone here feels the same too damn often.
But DEEP DOWN inside you, you know 2 things - first that you DO have the power yourself to do it - it just carries a heavy price. Second, that nobody else CAN.
PLEASE dont interpret this as preaching - just offering ideas for you to ponder. Maybe they resonate with you, maybe not. Worth trying though :-)
The second aspect of this is that at SOME point, you will always have access to the drugs. You can't rely on not having them or having access. Maybe for a short time it would work, and if you need to do that today to make it through then whatever works you should do! But long term, eventually you'll come across those little demons again. And if you have no one with the power to keep you safe from them, and have given your own power away - then what?
(more coming)
/D
One more thought to offer - you can tell me to shut the fark up anytime you want :-) LOL
I've done quite a bit of reading about the science-to-spirit connection in the human experience. I won't ramble, but it does seem science (specifically quantum mechanics) is proving that our THOUGHTS, our MIND, creates our reality.
There is a concept I'll describe as redirection/distraction that has worked for many (including me). Here's the idea - I submit for your pondering:
Instead of trying to convince yourself that you're NOT taking these pills EVER, postpone it, just put yourself off for ONE day instead of FOREVER. Just tell yourself, "If I feel like taking them tomorrow, then I will let myself, but for TODAY, I won't. I'll wait and see if still want them tomorrow."
There are two parts to it, that's the first. The second is to make absolutely certain you have sufficient means to redirect your focus somewhere else, work or posting here.
SOUNDS CRAZY DOESN'T IT???
Cat did you notice me posting a LOT yesterday?
Well guess what I was doing?
It wasn't easy, but I -DID- make it. I went 24hrs c/t for a second time, told myself I wouldn't take that last half pill - not YET anyway - and although I DID take it around 4:30 to relieve the mind-race agony - I feel it was a success because I went 24hrs and was able to PUT OFF taking that pill for the ENTIRE work day. I did it by distracting myself with THIS FORUM!
It's ok if you think I'm nuts, you wouldn't be wrong.
But it might work for you - how will you know unless you try?
Peace - and Love - your posts yesterday were part of how I got through.
/D
I've done quite a bit of reading about the science-to-spirit connection in the human experience. I won't ramble, but it does seem science (specifically quantum mechanics) is proving that our THOUGHTS, our MIND, creates our reality.
There is a concept I'll describe as redirection/distraction that has worked for many (including me). Here's the idea - I submit for your pondering:
Instead of trying to convince yourself that you're NOT taking these pills EVER, postpone it, just put yourself off for ONE day instead of FOREVER. Just tell yourself, "If I feel like taking them tomorrow, then I will let myself, but for TODAY, I won't. I'll wait and see if still want them tomorrow."
There are two parts to it, that's the first. The second is to make absolutely certain you have sufficient means to redirect your focus somewhere else, work or posting here.
SOUNDS CRAZY DOESN'T IT???
Cat did you notice me posting a LOT yesterday?
Well guess what I was doing?
It wasn't easy, but I -DID- make it. I went 24hrs c/t for a second time, told myself I wouldn't take that last half pill - not YET anyway - and although I DID take it around 4:30 to relieve the mind-race agony - I feel it was a success because I went 24hrs and was able to PUT OFF taking that pill for the ENTIRE work day. I did it by distracting myself with THIS FORUM!
It's ok if you think I'm nuts, you wouldn't be wrong.
But it might work for you - how will you know unless you try?
Peace - and Love - your posts yesterday were part of how I got through.
/D
You did make a very valid point...drugs are accessible and we have to accept the responsiblilty to make the decision NOT to take them....well said D!
Interesting thoughts...just wanted you to know that they are helping...me at least :)
Oh yeah I forgot to mention... I'm doing the same thing today... this morning my internet reorder showed up at my apartment just a few minutes away. I want to rush home and take one right now, so farking bad. It's been 21hrs, last night was so horrible I can't believe I made it. I didnt get ANY sleep in last night, watched twilight zone all night popping sleeping pills and flexeril to try to get some shuteye. No dice. I'm exhausted, twitching, racing, and I want that goddamn pill.
But right now, I'm hurting, but I can bear it.
Maybe later I'll take a half or even a whole.
BUT NOT YET. NOT NOW. I need to make it another day.
AND SO DO YOU.
JUST ONE DAY.
You were such an inspiration to me yesterday that all I can think about is giving that right back to you today.
So I hope and pray that my ideas/comments didn't offend you or anyone, and that they work for you. If you need to IM or phone, I'm here anytime just say the word. (I am DAnthrope on all the IM's as well as here).
Peace
/D
But right now, I'm hurting, but I can bear it.
Maybe later I'll take a half or even a whole.
BUT NOT YET. NOT NOW. I need to make it another day.
AND SO DO YOU.
JUST ONE DAY.
You were such an inspiration to me yesterday that all I can think about is giving that right back to you today.
So I hope and pray that my ideas/comments didn't offend you or anyone, and that they work for you. If you need to IM or phone, I'm here anytime just say the word. (I am DAnthrope on all the IM's as well as here).
Peace
/D
Hey Thanks - I am honestly a bit apprehensive about public posts. Too easy to offend people and as I say, I'm a fricken junkie on day 4 so what do I know really?
Stuff that works for me might not work for you.
But then again it might.
At this point I will, and do, try anything.
But none of the ideas I wrote are magic - it's still incredibly difficult even just to say NO for another hour much less a day.
It's definitely not easy even if this works.
But it's way the heck better than giving in - and Cat - if you're listening - hold strong and don't let those demons win. Maybe my ideas won't work for you, but hopefully it'll take you a day to figure that out and then you'll have made it through the day! :-)
Peace
/D
Stuff that works for me might not work for you.
But then again it might.
At this point I will, and do, try anything.
But none of the ideas I wrote are magic - it's still incredibly difficult even just to say NO for another hour much less a day.
It's definitely not easy even if this works.
But it's way the heck better than giving in - and Cat - if you're listening - hold strong and don't let those demons win. Maybe my ideas won't work for you, but hopefully it'll take you a day to figure that out and then you'll have made it through the day! :-)
Peace
/D
I'm still here and reading everything and keeping it close. D are you the guy who cant' c/t. My godness your mind is much stronger then mine. I havn't left work yet and won't for awhile.
That's me.
I tried c/t and lasted 26hrs. Never dreamed of such intense and thorough agony. Took 1/2 of a 10/325. I was on 5-8 plus a lotta alc.
Day 2 I took 2 halves, one at noon then 4:30.
Yesterday only the one at 4:30.
That was the last of my last 2 pills.
New order is at my door.
I'm hoping to go 24hrs with only 1-2 half pills.
At least for a bit, this w/d is just, as someone else put it, inhumane.
As for my mind being strong - I guess you didn't catch my afternoon posts yesterday. I was whining like a little biatch :-) grin.
Like everyone else I have my good moments and my bad ones.
Funny, when I see someone else in need how I get all distracted away from my own pain. I think you do too. Seems like everyone here does. Magical little place.
You gonna get one of Oxy's dreamcatchers? Roofus/Marce- how about you guys?
Tink suggested we all get the same design, and Oxy has proposed one.
I'm going to put her pics up on my web server later today.
Unless I cave in and drink myself stupid first :-)
Cat - you hanging in there with me today or what? I'm starting to feel my molecules dancing! Damn!
/D
I tried c/t and lasted 26hrs. Never dreamed of such intense and thorough agony. Took 1/2 of a 10/325. I was on 5-8 plus a lotta alc.
Day 2 I took 2 halves, one at noon then 4:30.
Yesterday only the one at 4:30.
That was the last of my last 2 pills.
New order is at my door.
I'm hoping to go 24hrs with only 1-2 half pills.
At least for a bit, this w/d is just, as someone else put it, inhumane.
As for my mind being strong - I guess you didn't catch my afternoon posts yesterday. I was whining like a little biatch :-) grin.
Like everyone else I have my good moments and my bad ones.
Funny, when I see someone else in need how I get all distracted away from my own pain. I think you do too. Seems like everyone here does. Magical little place.
You gonna get one of Oxy's dreamcatchers? Roofus/Marce- how about you guys?
Tink suggested we all get the same design, and Oxy has proposed one.
I'm going to put her pics up on my web server later today.
Unless I cave in and drink myself stupid first :-)
Cat - you hanging in there with me today or what? I'm starting to feel my molecules dancing! Damn!
/D
I here, I'm not going lie I will stop on my way home and pick up the script there will only be 16 lortabs really going to try and stretch them out. I go to the dr's next friday for a refill so I will be crying after the lortabs are gone. I've been reading this forum for 4 months never really posted much till this week. I only post while at work. I can't really say what triggered this whole thing maybe not having to pay for them. I will never do that again. Your the best.
Its funny because yesterday all I wanted to do was help you out of your funk. Put some humor into it and myself.This is how I deal with my entire life, been through alot and still laughing and taking pills. Believe it or not I don't really think of this as a set back, I know it is but its treat and to feel tried for a day or two then back on track. Some might not believe me but this is true. I've never given up pills for more then a few weeks anyway I always go back to get rid of the pain.
How many were you taking before you went c/t?
What about this - take a half tonight when you get home - just to take the edge off. And then put off taking more until tomorrow. Instead, allow yourself to have another half tomorrow - GUILT FREE.
Look at it this way - you can go nuts tonight and feel like **** with guilt, and go through the past 3 days of hell in w/d all over again.
Or you can take a HALF, feel reasonably good, if such a thing exists in our state! (chuckle) - and do the same tomorrow - WITHOUT GUILT - and STILL feel like you're making progress. Right?
I felt like absolute hell after taking that first half after 26hrs.
I never hated myself so much.
Then I realized that 1 half after 26hrs with NONE, was, uh, just a TAD better than the 10 I took Saturday just a few days before! I won't EVEN get into the amount of booze that I washed those down with! (I have a drinking problem to tackle if I make it through this alive, and after that comes the food addiction, last and not least the addiction to the depressed/self-loathing stuff (chuckle)).
Anyway - look, I'm guessing you were taking more than a half pill a day just a few days ago right? It's not a big failure to let yourself have that tonight, because you're still headed in the right direction - DECREASING and NOT INCREASING. Something to say for progress no matter how small right?
/D
What about this - take a half tonight when you get home - just to take the edge off. And then put off taking more until tomorrow. Instead, allow yourself to have another half tomorrow - GUILT FREE.
Look at it this way - you can go nuts tonight and feel like **** with guilt, and go through the past 3 days of hell in w/d all over again.
Or you can take a HALF, feel reasonably good, if such a thing exists in our state! (chuckle) - and do the same tomorrow - WITHOUT GUILT - and STILL feel like you're making progress. Right?
I felt like absolute hell after taking that first half after 26hrs.
I never hated myself so much.
Then I realized that 1 half after 26hrs with NONE, was, uh, just a TAD better than the 10 I took Saturday just a few days before! I won't EVEN get into the amount of booze that I washed those down with! (I have a drinking problem to tackle if I make it through this alive, and after that comes the food addiction, last and not least the addiction to the depressed/self-loathing stuff (chuckle)).
Anyway - look, I'm guessing you were taking more than a half pill a day just a few days ago right? It's not a big failure to let yourself have that tonight, because you're still headed in the right direction - DECREASING and NOT INCREASING. Something to say for progress no matter how small right?
/D
What kind of pain are you using the pills to cope with?
I know a lot of people come to this point because they have physical ailments and the doctor gives them a script for these wonderful drugs and then one day they realize they've become like blood to them. My story is different. I have no physical pain. I got here by spending 6 months on 2 of the 3 types of anti-depressants (ssri's). Those are worse poison than the opiates in my opinion. I went c/t from them and almost died. Dangerous shiat they. Then I made the brilliant decision to self-medicate. To treat my depression, anxiety, intense misanthropy and self-loathing, with...... alcohol and opiates! I even grew my own opium (which as you probably know come from those beautiful flowers LOL). Now that's dedication to self-destruction for you. Anyway, that's how I got here. Sad part is, the ONLY reason I'm giving them up is because of the upward spiral in dosage. If I could have had the same effect without always increasing, I'd still be taking them. Rather die happy from liver failure than die miserable from liver failure :-) Or something :-)
/D
I know a lot of people come to this point because they have physical ailments and the doctor gives them a script for these wonderful drugs and then one day they realize they've become like blood to them. My story is different. I have no physical pain. I got here by spending 6 months on 2 of the 3 types of anti-depressants (ssri's). Those are worse poison than the opiates in my opinion. I went c/t from them and almost died. Dangerous shiat they. Then I made the brilliant decision to self-medicate. To treat my depression, anxiety, intense misanthropy and self-loathing, with...... alcohol and opiates! I even grew my own opium (which as you probably know come from those beautiful flowers LOL). Now that's dedication to self-destruction for you. Anyway, that's how I got here. Sad part is, the ONLY reason I'm giving them up is because of the upward spiral in dosage. If I could have had the same effect without always increasing, I'd still be taking them. Rather die happy from liver failure than die miserable from liver failure :-) Or something :-)
/D
Do you want to marry a pill popping, a little overweight, likes her wine alittle to much with two kids and three cats? It sounds like we'd make the perfect couple since we have all the same addictions. We'd be a mess. Just my humor kicking in. Before I went c/t I was taking about 8-12 aday 10's. Loving it and enjoying it but also know there's a better me to give. I will take more then a 1/2 tonight maybe 2 but I'm not going buck wild over them. I don't really like lortabs I've alway liked percs.
Good for you DA, and thanks for Posting!
What you said is exactly what I have done, since last September!!! Look how long it has taken me!!
I have ALL my pills in a drawer in my bedroom. I know they are there and have WRITTEN my own "directions" to follow with them, like taking them in halves only! And I "journal" everything I do, all my footsteps with "whatever" I do every day. It sure helps me to concentrate and try to keep my life in some kind of perspective.
I have a calendar for "pill taking", eating, taking vitamins, and my daily functioning. (At the end of the week I read to see if I have met my goals, sometimes "yes", sometimes "no", but I continue on regardless.)
I write down EVERYTHING just before going to bed, then I have a clear mind while trying to sleep. During the week, I may take 1/2 of an Ambien maybe one or two nights, or even three nights, to catch up on the sleep I'm not getting normally, hopefully one day I will be able to have a normal sleep without any help.
I bought a large notebook, marked it off into 3 sections; medical/pills ( and how I have felt throughout the day); food intake/meals; and daily activities. Doing this has been a Godsend to me, as I have no support system...a hubby that just does not understand. It has taken me 6 months but I am pretty much down to 3 pills a week, from 12 to 15, give or take an extra one here or there. The past 5 years have been rough ones for me, and I relied on MY pills for comfort instead of what they were intended for 40 years ago...migraines!
But I am succeeding. I could not go c/t. In my opinion I don't think c/t is good for the body or brain!
I have posted before, some time ago when I was desperate, no one replied! This could have been a good thing because I took matters into my own hands and "just did it", though it was/is difficult. I have a hard time forgiving myself for the wrong-doing I have allowed myself to do in my life...now I'm trying to work on that.
Thanks for listening and keep up the good work everyone! By the way, has anyone ever watched the movie "The Secret"???? It has helped me tremendously!
This Forum has taught me so much, I read everyday...thanks.
CAN
What you said is exactly what I have done, since last September!!! Look how long it has taken me!!
I have ALL my pills in a drawer in my bedroom. I know they are there and have WRITTEN my own "directions" to follow with them, like taking them in halves only! And I "journal" everything I do, all my footsteps with "whatever" I do every day. It sure helps me to concentrate and try to keep my life in some kind of perspective.
I have a calendar for "pill taking", eating, taking vitamins, and my daily functioning. (At the end of the week I read to see if I have met my goals, sometimes "yes", sometimes "no", but I continue on regardless.)
I write down EVERYTHING just before going to bed, then I have a clear mind while trying to sleep. During the week, I may take 1/2 of an Ambien maybe one or two nights, or even three nights, to catch up on the sleep I'm not getting normally, hopefully one day I will be able to have a normal sleep without any help.
I bought a large notebook, marked it off into 3 sections; medical/pills ( and how I have felt throughout the day); food intake/meals; and daily activities. Doing this has been a Godsend to me, as I have no support system...a hubby that just does not understand. It has taken me 6 months but I am pretty much down to 3 pills a week, from 12 to 15, give or take an extra one here or there. The past 5 years have been rough ones for me, and I relied on MY pills for comfort instead of what they were intended for 40 years ago...migraines!
But I am succeeding. I could not go c/t. In my opinion I don't think c/t is good for the body or brain!
I have posted before, some time ago when I was desperate, no one replied! This could have been a good thing because I took matters into my own hands and "just did it", though it was/is difficult. I have a hard time forgiving myself for the wrong-doing I have allowed myself to do in my life...now I'm trying to work on that.
Thanks for listening and keep up the good work everyone! By the way, has anyone ever watched the movie "The Secret"???? It has helped me tremendously!
This Forum has taught me so much, I read everyday...thanks.
CAN
Wasn't "the secret" on Oprah not a movie. If its the oprah one I caught a little of it didn't really get it, really deep
Wow that's just weird.
Cat guess how many kids & cats I have?
And you're right we'd be feeding our addictions like kids in a candy store!
As for tonight, why not just try 1 first?
What do you have to lose right?
I was amazed that after only a day 1/2 had a noticeable effect.
Not what I was used to of course but enough to get by.
Don't be so fast to give yourself an out ok?
I'm in the same boat - I wanna drop a couple of them not just 1/2.
Maybe I will - but I'm weaseling around in my head some good reasons why to wait another day. My logic goes like this... what if the NEXT 24hrs (before my next schedule 1/2) are the ones that DON'T hurt as much? Damn will I feel good. Unless of course I take more than I really need tonight.
That's about all I got for now /LOL/.
Just give it a shot (pun intended ;-) )
/D
Cat guess how many kids & cats I have?
And you're right we'd be feeding our addictions like kids in a candy store!
As for tonight, why not just try 1 first?
What do you have to lose right?
I was amazed that after only a day 1/2 had a noticeable effect.
Not what I was used to of course but enough to get by.
Don't be so fast to give yourself an out ok?
I'm in the same boat - I wanna drop a couple of them not just 1/2.
Maybe I will - but I'm weaseling around in my head some good reasons why to wait another day. My logic goes like this... what if the NEXT 24hrs (before my next schedule 1/2) are the ones that DON'T hurt as much? Damn will I feel good. Unless of course I take more than I really need tonight.
That's about all I got for now /LOL/.
Just give it a shot (pun intended ;-) )
/D
Awesome story! Thanks for sharing.
I agree, a journal of the important things sure puts it into perspective.
This cannot be a quick process.
We didn't get here overnight, we won't fix it overnight either.
One other concept I'll throw out here for the ponderment of those interested.
It's called affirmations - you write one (or more) statements of fact on a piece of paper - and write them 15 times a day. Save every sheet. Statements are NOT that you "want" or "need" nor are they "future goals" - they are FACT - as in "I am David and I am no longer addicted to opiates - I have conquered them, finally, and reclaimed control over my life."
Hey that's good, I should write that down! LOL ROFL LMFAO
:-)
Cat you still with us? I haven't sent you screaming the other direction yet? I sure can ramble can't I?
Peace
/D
I agree, a journal of the important things sure puts it into perspective.
This cannot be a quick process.
We didn't get here overnight, we won't fix it overnight either.
One other concept I'll throw out here for the ponderment of those interested.
It's called affirmations - you write one (or more) statements of fact on a piece of paper - and write them 15 times a day. Save every sheet. Statements are NOT that you "want" or "need" nor are they "future goals" - they are FACT - as in "I am David and I am no longer addicted to opiates - I have conquered them, finally, and reclaimed control over my life."
Hey that's good, I should write that down! LOL ROFL LMFAO
:-)
Cat you still with us? I haven't sent you screaming the other direction yet? I sure can ramble can't I?
Peace
/D
Cat no internet at home? Damn! I was hoping to chat with you this weekend. It's gonna be a killer for me. Band practice on Saturday is ALWAYS the time I get the most farked up. This will be my first time trying to be clean, or semi :-) LOL
Well listen- remember something- YOU inspired me yesterday.
And YOU have the same power/control to do this that I or anyone has.
It CAN be done.
Peace
/D
Well listen- remember something- YOU inspired me yesterday.
And YOU have the same power/control to do this that I or anyone has.
It CAN be done.
Peace
/D
Yes, Oprah has done a couple of shows about it but I learned of it quite awhile ago.
Go to Website, www.thesecret.tv, that is where I bought the movie. It really made an impact on me and my family. It helps with the "innerself" we all have difficulties with...I'm trying to put the money into self help instead of medications.
Go to Website, www.thesecret.tv, that is where I bought the movie. It really made an impact on me and my family. It helps with the "innerself" we all have difficulties with...I'm trying to put the money into self help instead of medications.
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