heroin addicted fiance

[random288]

Hey everyone, I wrote into this forum for the first time last week, concerned about my fiance who had relapsed and gone back to using heroin.  I decided to confront the issue, and told my parents...our wedding was in just a few months and I just couldn't keep this from them especially knowing they are such good people.  The wedding was to be huge and they were paying for the whole thing.

Anyhow my parents are in full support of me postponing it or even possibly moving on if my fiance doesn't ever choose to get healthy.  I feel very frustrated right now because he has been battling with this since at least 2005 and his parents continue to chose to ignore it and act like he can do it on his own.  I don't use drugs and never had and I have known him since high school so when we first got together 2 years ago and he was just out of rehab I welcomed him with open arms and didn't understand the magnitude of heroin and probably still don't.  Last May I found out he had relapsed and had been using for about 3 months(we weren't engaged yet) but surely in love,...he had spent 10,000 on heroin in a matter of 3 months and racked it all up on a credit card with a 25% interest rate, when I found all this out he had just got a new job and again I didn't understand the magnitude of all this and his parents seemed to think it was something he could just get through and would be fine in a few weeks, we basically detoxed him in his own house for 2 weeks, I spent every single day focusing on what he was doing if he was okay, if he would make it through the day thinking once he was over the withdraws we could move on, well he got over them and yes we did!  We got engaged in September(I paid off his credit card debt for him) I kept a close eye on the money and thought this would all be okay....well obviously anyone reading this knows how dumb I was!  ANYHOW things seemed fine for a small time but I started noticing weird things but chose to ignore them and no money was missing so I thoguht all was fine....just this month I noticed large amounts of cash out of our checking account and I called him on it and he confessed, this was last week.....I went to some meetins with him, but once again his parents were telling me it was no big deal he would be fine in a few months and we could go on, I knew that was so wrong and finally admitted it to myself and my family.

My biggest problem right now is I have tried to stress to his parents it's not about the wedding, it's about their son getting better and dealing with this...I am going to a rehab center with him today, but I know he won't check in...he feels he's seeing a psychiatrist and doing meetings and that will be enough.

I am at my whits end and feel I must kick him out and tell him he needs to figure this out for himself...I have helped him a long enough..>I would just like to hear what some of you think...I want him to get better, but he is draggin me down with him!

[VicUser]

Is this the life you want for you and your children? I bet not, I would suggest waiting to marry him until he has been clean for at least five years. Just my option.

[MikeWithFamily]

My name is MikeWithFamily,
I was not a Heroin user, so I question myself for even replying to your entry. But your story is one that compels me, so I wanted to give you my thoughts.
I was using between 30 and 40 vics a day before I finally got the help I needed. I have been clean for 10 weeks now and feel wonderful. I take a medication called Suboxone. I do not know if Suboxone would work for a Heroin addiction, but I would strongly encourage you to check on it because it has worked absolute wonders for me. If it can help with Heroin, then get him on it. It will really help him get his head on straight.
Anyway, from what I read in your entry; you sound like you have done so much to help him. Love is of course the strongest emotion you can feel. GOD made us that way so that is good. What is not good is him abusing your love. He is choosing the Heroin over our love which to me says he is not ready to get help. I have heard that Heroin is the toughest thing to come off from and stay off from. I could be wrong but I thought I read that somewhere. It does not sound like he was clean for very long before he started using again. That in inself would be of great concern. I believe that once a person relapses, they will continue to relapse until they hit absolute rock bottom. I mean ABSOLUTE ROCK BOTTOM. You can love them, care for them, encourage them and guide them, BUT you CANNOT even LOVE cannot make him quit. If it can, it would have already.
In my opinion, I WOULD NOT marry him. NO WAY. He is not going to quit for you. No matter how many times he says he wants to quit, he will quit, he promises to quit...he will not quit until he hits ABSOLUTE ROCK BOTTOM. The question is, do you want to be there with him when he hits the bottom? I know i would not want to be. You have absolute no idea what rock bottom is for him, nor do you know what it looks like. It could be years away and be the ugliest thing you have ever seen. Vic is right, do you want your children to ask when Dad is coming home? Do you want a Heroin addict as the father to your children? I really do not mean to be so crass...but yoiu have to consider all of this. I do not believe that I am stretching it either. I think I'm right on the money. I would not let my parents spend their money on a "nice party". If I was you, I would get his parents in front of the computer and bring them to this site so they can see that if vicodin addicts need professional help, what would a Heroin addict need to quit?
A good talking too and the belief that "his" will power will get him through it is a cowardly way to believe all will be better soon.
Iwish you the best of luck Random. Keep on loving him, but I would do it from a distance for now.
God Bless
MikeWithFamily

[6players]

I LOVE YOUR HEART.  YOU HAVE A HEAVY HEART FOR THE MAN YOU LOVE.  I TO AM AN ADDICT.  I USE HYDROS.  NOT TO MANY, BUT I USE THEM NONETHELESS.  IM TAPPERING OFF OF THEM.  I USED TO BE A PROBATTION OFFICER WHO DELT WITH NOTHING BUT H USERS AND ABUSERS.  MOST OF THEM WILL EITHER DIE OR BE SENT UP STATE.  DO LET IT GET THIS FAR.  A REALATIONSHIP IS A TWO WAY TOUR.  YOU ARE DOING YOUR PART, HE NEEDS TO DO HIS.  BY THE SOUND OF IT, YOUR QUITE A GEM, SUPPORTING HIM, LOVING HIM, PAYING OFF HIS DEBT.  BUT DO NOT BECOME THE GLOVE THAT CATCHES ALL OF HIS WILD PITCHES,  BE THE ICE THAT SOOTHES THE ARM (AS YOU HAVE BEEN).  HE MUST RE COMIT AND KEEP HIS COMITTMENT TO HIS COMMITMENT IN ORDER FOR YOU TO TAKE THIS STEP WITH HIM   LOVE YOU AND GOD DOES TOO.

[10356]

I really do not mean to sound harsh BUT, Im an ex Heroin addict it has been decades but it is something you never forget, I'm now a vic addict was a speed freak and I gave up drinking last July my point is I'm still an addict in one form or the other, To kick Heroin I left my boy-friend who I had 2 children with I moved from my family town to where I knew no-body I left my family and all 8 brother a sisters, that was the only way I could stop I could not associate with any-one from my old life, run into them ect. The reason I'm telling you about all my other addiction is to show you that sometimes it just dose not end there. I'm really sorry for your pain I really em but it was right to call off the wedding especially with re-lapses his family is enablers and will always be in his life, you know!! I'm not saying marriage is impossible I myself have been married for 27 years with 2 more lovely children from my hubby I have worked very hard at it Hubby had to go thru alcohol with me and now vics they are prescribed for real pain but I do abuse. My point being you sound young, you do not use,
you  have know children you are lucky, you your self can only do so much and you have done allot. It hurts but I'm afraid this may be only the beginning of your pain. Listen to your parents they love you and see clearly,Do what is right for your self take care of your self and do some soul searching What do you want your life to be like. it is know fun having to play the police all the time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers Limbo

[random288]

Please everyone, I am at the point where I want you to be harsh and crass and I fully appreciate, I have tried to help him along as much as I can and I'm not going  down in flames with him!  I am only 27 years old and I realize I have my whole life ahead of me...this all kills me because it's so sad that he has ended up this way and I wish he had helpful supportive parents like mine, not enablers, but he doesn't and he is now 28 so i can't protect him from that anymore...he needs to do all of these things for himself now!  I am asking him to move out tonight, he is half assing this whole rehab thing, he is just doing out patient for 5 full days so he'll be going home at night, but you better believe he won't be coming home to me!  sorry to say he'll be going home to his parents (his father abuses drugs and alcohol and has never delt with it and now his pour mom is stuck with both of them) she is probably sad because she never had the courage or strength to do what I am doing...It isn't easy I love him very much and have known him for for over 10 years so it breaks my heart to see him in this state but I have done all that I can do!  I will miss him dearly but I won't miss the man I've been with since last May, I will miss the strong healthy man i fell in love with!  Wish me strength and luck!  thanks for the notes.

[bmc1976]

I feel you are doing exactly what needs to be done. Making him leave may actually save his life. Like many people say, a addict must hit rock bottom before changing their ways. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you but you're doing the right thing. Just know that you have tried everything in your power and have done more than most. Be proud and realize how great of a person you are. I believe everything happens for a reason and all of this will unfold the way it's suppose to. Just stay strong and I wish you the best of luck with everything!
brian

[VicUser]

I think Brian said it all very well. Good Luck to you and remember we are here to support you if you need it.

[tiff78g]

Your story brings up sooo many fresh memories for me. I have been in your shoes, and I did kick him out after almost two years of a life of up and downs with drugs. We have a beautiful 8 mo. old baby girl and after he was gone for about two weeks, he called and checked himself into rehab.  He has been there since December 2 and will not leave until June. I see the changes in him and hopefuly for his sake he has become a different person in there. I wish you the best and I will be thinking of you. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love to their addiction, but right now his addiction has ahold of him. I had to realize that and let him go, and luckily for me, he came back.

tiffiny

[random288]

Tiff78g

thanks so much for your comment I hope your boyfriend gets healthy and strong and is the man that he should be for you!  I know what I have to do, it's just going to be so hard to do it!

[random288]

Brian and everyone else who has written me, I want to thank you all so very much for your help!  I know what I have to do and you are confirming it for me.  I wrote  his motehr one more time and asked her to research how bad heroin is and how powerful it is and she claims that she has been researching it since she found out(which was over 3 years ago)  what gets me is if you have then why don't you encourage your son to check into a serious program!  it boggles my mind and I don't know if she understands it's not about the life he is missing out on in being with me... I think she is sad because she sees how grounded I am, I have a beautiful home that I just built and a wonderful family, but it's not about the life with me anymore, it's about him staying alive!  why can't she get that?  are they all just in denial?

[tiff78g]

When my bf was in the worst of his addiction, his family acted as if nothing was going on as well.  Sure, they didnt like it, but they werent willing to help me intervene.  I had to do it on my own.  His family now wants to take credit for his getting clean and it ticks me off. That was A LOT of hard work on my part, but all that matters to me is that he has chosen the right path. I hope you can find peace in your decision and if you ever want to talk I am here!

tiffiny

[poetrygirl1960]

Sometimes family members are so overwhelmed at the thought one of their own has fallen in to this they want to pretend everything is just a-ok.  I think they think if they stick their head in the sand long enough the problem will just go away.  It most certainly will not until he goes for help on his own.  Now apparently he's been clean before so he knows the drill, but like 1306 said, it isn't something you can easily forget.  They call it chasing the dragon.  Always trying to feel that all consuming euphoria.  It isn't that he's hopeless, it's just that you have done all you can do.  Above and beyond the call of duty, you have been an angel for him.

Good luck in these huge decisions,
Lisa

[poetrygirl1960]

Sorry I meant to say 10356.

[random288]

Thanks for the support everyone!  he just called me and has no idea that I am going to make him move out and go back to his parents house!  so sad but I know I need to do it.

[Sael]

I think you need to ask yourself why you got involved with a person just fresh out of rehab. This is something you have to understand in yourself or you may make the same mistakes over and over. He's going to try every single trick in the book to try and get you to take care of him and so far, it's worked. You've cared for him, including paying off his debts. You need to go to see a counselor yourself to help YOU. Instead of focusing on him you need to focus on your issues. Kicking him out is a first step but can you remove yourself from the drama? Can you honestly just not answer the phone, not get involved with his family, stick to your decision and cut the addictive lifestyle from your life?

[random288]

I got involved with him because he was my high school sweet heart and I didn't know him when he did drugs, I have never been involved with someone like that and didn't realize the magnitude of it, i was living in on the West Coast when we got involved and he was on the East Coast anyhow thanks

[tiff7598]

I am in tears right now reading your post.  I am also young, 25, and dealing with my boyfriends herion addiction and i also knew before hand that he had a drug problem before we started dating.  But i see the good in everyone and went ahead with the relationship because i thought that part of his life was over! wow was i wrong. We have only been together a year and the first time i found it we were together 4 months.  Stupid me i guess i just could not face it and gave him a warning that if he ever did it again i would leave.  Well i did find it again about 2 months ago and have been going threw hell since then.  He left for a couple of days crashed his car and i kicked him out but then he  checked him self into a week detox and swore this would never happen again so i let him back in.  But all i keep thinking about is when is it going to happen again.  I try to tell my self that he wont do it again but after reading your post you helped bring me into reality.  You have been going threw this for years now, is this what my life will be like if i stay with him.  I feel your pain so much even though you have been dealing with this a lot longer then me. it is just the begining of a terrible road for me. I also like you dont do drugs or drink so all this is hard to understand. You love them so much and their actions are killing us.  Sorry this is so long but i just feel your pain and heart ache and your worry.  I wish you nothing but the best and be strong! Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Love, Tiff

[megmadmic147]

His parents don't understand because they have never been in a situation like that AND the would be to ashamed to let others know about there childs addiction problem. DO NOT MARRY him until you KNOW what you want. I am going through something like this, except mine is addicted to OC which is practically herion) he has been on it for 3 years engaged for 2 but WE have a kids together that is the only reason now why i am trying to help him. I want my child to have a daddy there. He is starting treatment tom. But can i tell you something the my fiance told me, Your not going to change unless you want it, AND he said foremost he want to know that I am there for him. He said that what matters most to him is being able to talk to someone that he loves and trust I understand you both ways 100% because i want to run away so bad because i have been batteling this for 3 years. For the first time he is actually getting help. If he wants help he will get it if you support him to be there with him all the way. I told my fiance that i would go with him to every treatment and sittings. and he said that would mean the world to him. I pray that God will lay his hands on you to give you strength and him.

[Sael]

When I read your post you said this:

'so when we first got together 2 years ago and he was just out of rehab'

When you get involved with someone fresh out of rehab they are so fragile and I am going to echo another posters thoughts and say that he needs to be clean for at least 5 years before you marry him or consider any other kind of relationship with him. Until then, you need to move on with your life.

I know what I'm saying is NOT what you want to hear but I'm coming from a place of experience. He won't quit until he's ready. You have no bearing on when he quits. He may do certain behaviours to appease you but until he is deeply ready nothing will change. I hope you find the strength to leave this dynamic or at least figure out why you're continuing to stay in the first place.

[random288]

Thanks to all for all of your comments, its' been hard but I have made him move out and cut him off, he's finallly decided to check into inpatient rehab tomorrow so I hope it works for him, i'm trying to move on.