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Avatar universal

hi all

It's federal again. I have been reading for quite awhile now and finally got the courage to post again. I am still struggling. Now what i don't understand is my need to take 3 to 4 pills a week. Yes I said a week. I can't seem to let go. I am fine when I take them but when I don't have them I am really depressed. I refuse to leave my house except to work. I have shut myself off from everyone except when I have to. I don't want to be around anyone or anything. I don't know what is wrong with me. Anyone have any suggestions for me?
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Avatar universal
Just want u all to know I am using my phone to type so if it looks like I failed English and grammar its my phone not me. LOL. I actually aced English in college. Gotta work tonight so I will check in tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving all
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Avatar universal
Thanks Bo. I am in a new job now so insurance won't kick I'm until January. And I for hope once i get on them they will help. I have taken them before but after a few weeks I didn't feel better so I quit taking them. I know I should have given them more time. And Bob you always make me feel better. Just getting on here and seeing you respond to my post makes me feel not so alone. U r definitely an inspiration to me. I am really gonna fight this time to stay clean
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1765426 tn?1323520782
hi dede, taking lexapro now, minimal dose. It doesn't make me full on happy, just keeps me from going to the dark side. That's enough for me. I am very sensitive to psych meds and this was the only one I could tolerate. I tell you this though: I am incredibly grateful for finally finding it. You know depression is one of those invisible illnesses that many normal folks still do not respect. You are operating from a deficit and I just couldn't keep up. I felt as though I was sinking. Life was moving forward too fast and I just wasn't able to keep up. For me it was a life changer. It reduced my cravings for my other vices and I am beginning to find balance and peace. I hope you will too.
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1525404 tn?1291914516
Glad to see you again. Have you talked to you Dr. yet about your depression? It might be that you don't have any underlying issues that caused you to use other than being depressed all of these years. The pills might just be giving you a temporary reprieve from the depression so you started to take them as a means to feel happy and normal. The right AD med might make the desire to use go away once and for all.

From the outsided looking in I can see that you're not defeated. You overcame so much from a year ago that it was inspiring to me and others. The depression just won't let you see that in yourself.

Defeated? No way, Dede's a winner in my book.
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Avatar universal
Had to work last night 7pm to 7am. I am doing ok. It's just this terrible feeling of sadness and defeat. I just don't know who I am without the pills. I remember being happy years ago before this addiction came into my life. I remember years ago going to the dentist for root canals and him giving me hydros for pain. Hell those things sat in my bathroom cabinet for months and I never touched them. I just do not understand where this addiction came from

.
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1416133 tn?1351123217
dede feel free to PM me if you want.  :)
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Avatar universal
Thanks Bob. Talk to u tomorrow. Imdone I do remember you. We messaged each other several times. It is good to talk about this to you all again
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1416133 tn?1351123217
Hi dede!  Not sure if you remember me but I remember you - it's so good to see you again.  I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I agree with sara - you need to talk to a Dr. and find an AD that will work for you - it can be trial and error w/those meds so don't give up if the first one isn't helping.  I'm sure if you talk this through w/a Dr. you'll find something that will help.

I actually went the St. John's Wort route - and it was a huge help for me in the depression dept.  Might be something to consider?

Again, welcome back.  I'm so glad you returned.  :)
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1525404 tn?1291914516
Yeah, the depression is a big thing. I wish I had better words of wisdom on that subject but it's not something I've had to deal with other than the normal depression that comes with gaining sobriety. Of course during those times I did feel depressed I wore out "The Beach Boys- In my room" and "Five for Fighting- 100 years". So I do know that feeling of dispair.

You're a pretty tough cookie, and I know you've overcome a lot. Get to a doctor and get this sorted out. You're to valuable of a person to live inside a shell, others need to see that you are special. You are to me.

I'm about to head to the house so I'll check in with you bright and early tomorrow.
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Avatar universal
Bob I really am tired of this crap. I think once I deal with this depression I will feel better also.
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Avatar universal
Bo what are u taking for depression? I have tried several ones and never noticed a big change _
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1525404 tn?1291914516
Hey Dedee, I'm always here for you. You know that.

I don't think the problem is that you're weak, I think you try to shoulder too much on your own without asking for help. You've got a lot on your plate and that kind of stress can drive us to feel we deserve an escape. Sadly a pill is the easiest and cheapest way to do that. Believe me, I've been there many times.

I don't go to meetings, but I do listen and learn and I come here everyday to at least read posts.  I use this as a tool to better understand myself and why i used pills the way I did. I've got issues that run pretty deep and I'm still trying to sort those out but I've learned that my craving and desire to escape is signaling something going on in my life at that very moment that I need to deal with in a positive way.

I think I read that someone close to you has given up on you and he's been unavailable. That must be your brother. I know he helped and supported you in many ways and that you are very close to him. If that's the case, just remember, blood runs pretty thick and he won't abandon you. You'll get him back. I'm sure of it

Don't worry too much about your relapses. They're a part of this process. Soon you will be just too tired to do the merry go round of pills and that's when you'll really start to heal.

As always, I'm here for you as long as you want me to be.
I'm thrilled to be able to talk to you again. Thanks.
Bob.
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Avatar universal
So glad u are here Bob. I have thought of I often. I have been reading on here for awhile just not writing. I want so much to be rid of this addiction. And the depression. I know it's a fight to stay clean. I don't know why I am so weak. Thanks to all that post. All encouraging words.
.
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1765426 tn?1323520782
dede, I should also mention that I also dealt with severe depression and bi-polar for my life which drove me to self-medicate with alcohol and another drug that rhymes with "moecaine."  I tried many different SNRIs and SSRIs until I was about to give up and just be depressed and half a person. The last drug I tried did the trick. Everyone around me said that they could see a difference in me, my voice, and my balance. Its been a while since my last major episode, but i do remember how desperate it is. I thought about suicide countless times, but always had just enough coward in me to prevent something regrettable. I had a couple injuries degenerated my disks and eventually went on oxycodone. Big mistake, I should have known that my addiction was waiting beneath the surface for an opportunity to pounce! Its the Dopamine Addiction Hypothesis, check in to it of you have not already. If you see a psychiatrist for the depression, you can absolutely live a normal life, and it can reduce your psychological and physical need for narcotics. God Bless You.......You are back with the right group.
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1765426 tn?1323520782
dede, I have great hair too, just not much on my head anymore.....uggh, I take Lexapro for that. I also keep finding, errant, ultra-long strands of hair, like growing out of my earlobe, or lip or some crazy place. Life's crazy huh?.....thank God we others to share in the misery, and eventually for you, joy as well  :)
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Avatar universal
Bob I was so hoping to hear from u. U always make me feel better. I guess I am just having a hard time dealing with things in my life and instead of facing them I turn to a pill. O actually have only taken 1this past week. I promise I will not take any today. It is really good to talk to people on here. I will write more later. I am watching my grandson and didn't get much sleep last night. Thanks to all who responded. It means alot to me
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Avatar universal
Oh and bama u have me figured out. I have great hair, have been told by many I am an awesome cook and I really am a pro at crossword puzzles. LOL. Spooky how u know these things.
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Avatar universal
Hey dede I just saw this!  You for SURE need to talk to a doc.  You're missing out on happiness with how you're living!  And that 3/4 a week WILL turn into more.  We both know that!  It may stay that way awhile.  I'm not saying that it's impossible to do it, but not probable with addicts!
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Avatar universal
Bama u r funny. And I do have great hair. LOL
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Avatar universal
~ Hi Dede,,its the depression that is keeping you addicted to the pills,,as another member explained to me the perks mess up your dopamine receptors and depression sets in,,,you are a lot like me and we have a similiar past and feel the same. I started an antidepressant last week and on day 12 I feel sooo much better,,I have my moments but im still fighting as well and have a lot to learn. Ive realized that not wanting to take the pills and living sober are 2 different things. Stopping the pills in hindsight was easy,,but living sober is life changing. You have to change everything you knew and be uncomfortable for a while until you get used to the new way. NA and aftercare are very important. You can do this you are sooo close already! I wish you the best sweetie!~
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1525404 tn?1291914516
Dede, I'm so glad to see you back here. I knew without being told what was going on with you when I saw that you were no longer coming here.

I relapsed so many times that I lost count, and ti's rare for a first or second time quitter to not relapse.

Over the past year I've gone through several periods of depression, it's just part of the process.

If you'll remember right, it was about this exact time last year that I found Medhelp and most importantly, I found you. You gave me so much courage and friendship those first few months that I don't know if I could've gotten this far without you. I'm still fairly reclusive and that's ok cause I'm still clean. Back in the begging you and I made dailey pacts to not use just for today. You know as well as I do that using 3 or 4 a week will escalate and then where will you be.

Let's you and I start that again. We won't use today.
You've got depression issues so see your doctor and get that addressed.
Without being weird or anything I want you to know that I do have love in my heart for you and I always will. You helped save me. Let me do the same for you. Check in everyday and we'll get past this. I sure don't want to see you go through the same problems this caused you last time.

I've missed you Dede, I'm glad you're back with us.
Bob.
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Avatar universal
Just wanted to cheer you up. I wanted you to see your good qualities and know that tomorrow will be a better day
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Avatar universal
Or maybe you like.........
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Avatar universal
I'm still waiting for you to tell me one little thing about what you like. What about your hair? Do you have great hair? Or are you a snappy dresser. Can you cook like a chief. Are you good at crossword puzzles. Hey I know. Your a great driver. A hard worker. Or maybe your my next best friend......do I see a smile? :)
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