how big a loser am i?

I am finally getting the nerve to make a post.  I am a 32 yr old mother of two small children 4 1/2 and 1 1/2 yrs old. BTW nobody knows my prob. I have been taking 10-12 lortab 7.5/10's for about 3 yrs now and I c/t 2 weeks ago.  I found this forum on day 2 when I was feeling oh so crappy.  I instantly felt a bond to so many of you since we are basically all in the same boat.  Well I made it 7 days of w/d and managed to keep it together, I was so proud of myself.  On day 7 I actually felt good enough to clean my house and went a little overboard and managed to get a muscle spasm in my back which is one of the reasons I had pain meds to begin with (oh I also have endometriosis if anyone has heard of it, it means I have horrible menstrual cramps, and I mean horrible) I have has surgery 2 times.  Anyway, I caved, relapsed,fell off, whatever you want to call it and took 2 pills that day and have had to take 2-4 ever since just to function taking care of my family.  I suck, will I go through w/d again if I stop?  Is it normal to feel like such a loser. I really want to quit and have not "abused" this time.  I also quit smoking 2 weeks before I quit lortab's and am still smoke free(1+ month), 1 thing to be proud of.  Sorry so long, just wanted to give some info to get some info. Thnx

[mimi1313]

Hi and welcome to the forum,
Okay, you've definitely come to the right place for help.  How long since you started taking them again? It was was for a week or 2 you may have mini wd's but not like the first time. And that's really good that you were only taking them for pain. Have you found ways to deal with your pain without narcotic meds?

I wish you the best of luck and keep posting, it really helps.

Melissa

[Firefaery1023]

It is quite normal to feel so s****y.  I know I have done it a few times while trying to get myself clean.  I have a surgical bulge in my neck and have tried everything, the narcotic pain killers seem to be the only thing that works for it.  Anyway even with your pain, you will find that you probably don't need to take them everyday.  But I understand your pain, you will probably go through withdrawals again, but it shouldn't be as bad this time around.  Just pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and try again.  I wish you lots of luck.
Lots of Love,
Fire

[enemy48]

Firstly, congrats on quitting smoking.  You will love the life without cigarettes and find yourself laughing more for some reason.

Sorry about the relapse.  I did that several times before my real quit.  I hated myself for going that long, then starting again.

This may be helpful.  I took for major pain.  I took a lot more than you.  An RN told me once that the more you take painkillers, the worse the pain seems to get.  People here will tell you that too.  After my second week sober, I didn't have all the pain anymore.  I had severe pain during w/d's, but it goes away.  A lot of it at least.  Your brain tricks you into thinking you have more than what you really do.

Hope this helps.  Glad you're here.

[cathy5841]

hi and sweerie nobody here is going to call you a loser because that would make us all losers . lol  you have come to the right place for support.  you shouldn't have to bad of w/ds if you go ahead and stop now.  the longer you keep going the worse it will be for you.   there are ways to deal with pain without the pills, many here are doing just that.  you can have your life back.  but, you have to take it...you wont get it by being passive.  have you decided to quit for good yet?  let us know what your plans are.

and welcome to the forum.
many prayers
cathy

[lisa983]

I feel your pain, I'm a mother also and addicted to pain meds. I have felt like a loser to.  And no one knows my problem except my husband. The hardest part for me was when I would take vics, I felt like I was so productive with working, taking care of my husband and daughter, my house would stay spotless. I would get everything done. One day I had enough, tired of depending on vics to get me through the day. So I went to my doctor and broke down, I told her everything. I was so surprised, when she did not look down on me, but offered meds to help get off of vics. I have endometriosis two and you can get a shot every monthe for the horrible pain. You are far from a loser...i promise, I hope I helped you a little.  Stay on this forum, there are so many people here with great advise...good luck

[swtbreezie]

You are NOT a loser so don't call yourself that!  You just got side tracked and can do this.  It will get better, and if you have quit before you know this.  Hang in there!
hugzzzzzzzzzz
swtbreezie

[beenthere125]

I hear ya with the endo. I've had it since I was a very young and have had surgery once already. No one can truly understand the pain that can be associated with it unless they've been there. I get waves of pain that leave me balled up on the couch crying. They're so bad that I feel sick to my stomach during most of it and the pain goes right around to my back. I know what I need to do to resolve the problem; the procrastinator in me has prevented me from doing it though. You're doctor will usually suggest hormone treatment to stop your periods, surgery to remove some of the scar tissue or a full on hysterectomy depending on the severity and your desire to have more children. I think the hardest part for most of us...is we didn't take these pills to get high...we took them to address pain and when the pain is always there...we need to find new ways of dealing with the problem. Too many doctors spend their time treating our pain instead of treating the problems that cause it. Sad...but true. Have strength...falling off the wagon once because of legitimate pain...doesn't make you a loser or failure...it just makes you human like the rest of us. You may need to talk to your doctor and ask him or her if there's a better way to handle your medical problems because you're worried that you may have become to dependant on the medications. Most people are surprised how supportive their doctor actually is when they express these concerns.
Wishing you all the best...hang in there...we're right here with you. :)

beenthere125 :)

[confused456]

I did not know endo...was so common. I too have it, but have had surgery and a partial hysterectomy. You are not a loser, and all you need is to make sure that you are determined. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again!! I too am also a mother, I have 3 chilldren and felt like I was supermom, but whoa! I was far from it. My moods on the pills were enough to prove that. So glad you are here and posting! Keep it up!!!

[GoingToMakeIt]

The losers are those who don't post and keep on using. The winners are like you. Pain pills were designed for pain. You did OK. Get off them as soon as you can. W/Ds will be minimum.
Welcome to the forum.

[dnsmommy]

Thank all of you sooooo much, this kind of support is why I decided to get the nerve up to post. Since I am doing this alone, meaning nobody around me knows my addiction, I guess that I need more support than I thought I did.  I truly have the desire to quit completely.  I like most of you, I started to hate the control it had over my life. I definately do not want to go through w/d again!!!! Especially since I have my 2 kiddos around, that was sooo HARD!  I know that I have the willpower to quit b/c I had the meds in my house and I managed not to take even 1 during that time and as we all know, EVERYTHING sucks at that time.  I guess I will just have to figure out how to manage my legit pain.  I have had 2 surgeries for my endo and I have it really bad, have tried hormones, etc. and am not quite ready for a hysterectomy, I don't plan on having any more kids, but if it is in the Lord's plans then I can't dismiss that.  I will definately have it done by the time i'm 35, because that is the only "Cure".  I am currently on bc pill that I have cycle every 3 mos. but doesn't always work that way.  I just feel so bad, I am so glad that I am definately not taking the amount of lortab that I was before. i can't believe how much I poisened my body with that AND cigarettes.  I want to be healthy...  Thank you all so much for your help, keep it coming. Thnx

[GoingToMakeIt]

As you get away from the pain pills the pain does lessen. Our bodies produce pain to get the pills. I am not saying it goes away. I am saying that the pain you feel now is probably worse than it really is.

[mr.lucky66]

Great work and quitting smoking too! I think that a person who quits smoking may have a better chance of staying off drugs. I quit last year after being clean for a few years. Your body will thanks you for not poisening it with tylenol and nicotine. all the best

[Flutterby111]

My friend who held my hand during the withdrawls also has endometriosis and when she told me she #1 understood serious chronic pain and #2 that the pain would actually subside once I quit the pain pills, I did not believe her...How could that be????  But I'm here, almost 6 weeks clean, and I am ASTONISHED by how much LESS PAIN I'm in.  I can empathize with the pain you're in, because she has explained what is happening from the endo.  It sounds terrible.  She is an addict too.  She's been clean 18 months.  And she only takes Advil for her pain.  I couldn't believe it at first.  But GoingToMakeIt is right about our bodies producing pain to get the opiates.  Sick huh?  I didn't know that either until I quit....and when I was going through withdrawls I was in tears out of fear of how I would survive my pain without them....but I'm sooo much better than before.  CONGRATS on the smoking-that's awesome!  I'm six years on that-no seven~!  rock on....we're here for you mama!!!  

[troubleinohio]

Im so glad you decided to post here...you will be so glad you've come here! Im also a mom to 2 little boys , age 5 and my baby turns 3 on friday! I had about a 10 Vicodin a day habit too for a couple years...Im over 80 days clean now but it was not easy getting here thats for sure. I also have a very bad back so I can sympathize with you there. Alot of us here actually have bad backs, probably the most common complaint around here and what got most of us started on pain pills in the first place. BTW have you noticed that probably 85% or more of us here are pill addicts?? very few other drugs here, yet this forum is not "pill addicts" but for drug addictions of any type. They say this is the RX generation and more addicts are on pills now than any other drugs!  
Wishing you the best of luck detoxing this time around. YOu can do this! And we are here for you!

[catmagnet]

Yeah, I know all about endometriosis, I had 2 d&c's took tons of pain meds, it's really agony, isn't it? But ever since I had kids, it seems like it's really settled down. My Dr. says it's still there, but it doesn't give me much trouble anymore. Maybe because I'm older now...

[VicUser]

Welcome, first and foremost as others have stated you are not a loser. Pain hurts, period!!! My DOC was vicodin, I took originally for back and leg pain, since stopping there have been days that I have really wanted to escape the pain and came close to taking one or two. I don’t have that choice right now because, I took the advice of several of my friends here, one in particular, and flushed them and did a jig as they swirled away.  I have been getting acupuncture treatments which help a lot, but there are still days I would take one if I could and I have been without vicodin 100+ days. I do have to say that it is a big deterrent to know that people here care and I would let them down as well as myself if I did. So again, Welcome, we are glad you joined the forum.

[dnsmommy]

Hello. I did not realize that our bodies can actually produce pain so that we can take our pills, that really makes total sense though.  After reading all of your encouraging words about dealing with our pains narc-free, I am more determined than ever to figure this out.  I guess I just have alot of the mental issues that go along with the addiction, as far as how can I take care of my family and still have pain?  I know that there is a way and I intend on fulfilling that. I just have to get over beating myself up for caving in and taking a few, I suppose it was all a test ( I went c/t 2 weeks ago and lasted for a week and then b/c of legit pain took a few) because the rest of my life without pills is the goal.  I failed the test for now (still only taking 2-4 Lortab a day for 1 1/2 weeks) but am going to prevail!  Thanks to all of the support you have all given me, please keep it coming.  

[bandnmom]

That is what we are all about here is support! You will be thrown so many "tests" as as each one comes you will find it easier to take a pass on popping that pill. Believe me i have been there done that! We all have failed b4 we got to were we are now. Keep trying. I know you can do it.

[avisg]

yup , right after you quit you will find your body will do all it can to give you a "reason" to use. Your pain will seem much worse too. Once you have been clean for a few months however your pain level will really  decrease . Some of the pain you are going to have to work push threw .It does get better i promise .

[GoingToMakeIt]

The pain levels out after a few weeks, sometimes sooneer. Even then as bandnmom said there are tests that come along. Like spikes in pain or craving 'I just HAVE to take a pill' or extreme depression hitting you. Be aware that these do happen. If you don't cave, they go away.

[kris123]

Never took pills all the much but had my times when i did - but anyway i had my battle with street drugs and every time i stopped i somehow seemed to go back and felt like such a loser too!!  you are not alone - there are many that have problems with pills on here so they can help you more then i can good luck