how do I live??!

[Ash909]

Hi to whoever reads this.. Im Ashley and I'm 23..  I am 1 day sober.

I've been taking 7.5mg percocets for the last 6-7 years or so. I'm going completly cold turkey. I feel like death... I just want to be happy, I wish I was one of those people you see who just loves life. But I'm not Im a miserable anxious ***** and my whole ******* body is killing me I just want to sleep forever. To make matters worse I HAVE to function. I have a 3 year old daughter who has more energy than a power plant.. I don't know how to live life without taking percs.... Like I can't function without them. The thought of doing laundry, cleaning, SOCIALIZING without being high is really getting to me..  I'm also 24 weeks pregnant.. I know how awful it sounds to be popping pills while pregnant, but addiction makes people do stupid things.. I managed to go from like 6-7 a day, down to 2 or 3 when I found out I was expecting, down to a half of a 7.5 for the past 4 days.. Today is day #1 of nothing... Im such a mess. noone knows what Im going through except my mom, who was my supplier until her doctor cut her off for good... I guess it's a blessing in disguse, because I've been wanting to quit and be sober for a long time. But I just don't know how I'm going to do it.. All I can think about is how BAD I want a percocet. It's eating me alive.. Any suggestions on how I can get through this without going insane?? sorry for rambling.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

It will probably be quite awhile before you ever feel that old buzz from the pills again. Even if you try hard. And relapse is part of the ballgame in this sport. I doubt if 2% of medhelp never had a relapse.....but thats where the men are seperated from the boys....pick yourself back up and do it again. You can never quit quiting. The withdrawals just keep getting harder and harder.....and it doesnt make you a horrible person. It means that you are only human.

[Ash909]

I'm a horrible person.. I really can't do this. I took a couple of percocets today and I am so mad at myself. They were right there in front of my face and I couldn't walk away.  I've only been clean for a couple of days. Now I feel like I  have to start over again.. Today I didn't even wake up thinking about them!! I woke up happy, surprisingly enough and I was so proud of myself. I was like omg i can do this!!   Now I feel like a piece of ****. I didn't even feel the high off of them either so it made me even more angry lol.. tomorrow is a new day so hopefully it will be OK.

[worried878]

I have learned the hard way...that u gotta live one day at a time..specially in the beginning..then eventually for me it was 2 days at a time...now it is like months at a time..dont think too far ahead right now as it may take the air out of ur balloon...keep moving forward...and hang tight

[road2recovery]

Great post 10356...Every word is true..It is funny how at the beginning when we are not really taking alot, the energy is great.etc...Then as time goes on, it doesn't matter how many you take, it back -fires , HARD!!!   At the end of my usage, I didn't have energy even when i took them....I hated to do the fun things i did before pills and at the begining of my usage....I didn't want to go anywhere..total 100% turn around for the reason i kept taking them ..So really at the end it is just not to get sick, but now i look back after over 600 days, and i was sick...The worst moments of my life, will be hearing my little one say mom can we do this or that, or are you not feeling good again??  I needed so much counsouling to get over that guilt....But those words and remembering the sick , horrible person feeling, is what keeps me clean.....ASH, you can do this!!!!
r2r

[10356]

opiates are so deceiving... We do think we are more out going have more energy the whole shabang but in reality they dull us so much that we can not see what others do.. I can say straight now I'm better liked and enjoyed more by friends and family.. my true personality was buried beneath all the lies the opiates feed us.. Once you are past this next week or so and yes it will be difficult You will see.. our energy returns but with a air that brings joy to all those around us.. try to walk as much as possible get yourself out with your daughter enjoy nature not only will it help with the anxiety but with wd pain and it will also help to speed up the process and get the feel good endorphins reproducing for themselves.. lots of Hot baths showers also and remember the most powerful tool we have is our own brain.. I'm so very happy you realized early how much our memories are effected as we really do miss out on so much with our children for we are not truly there at all.. May all your memories bring crisp and clean joy of the wonder of raising children.. You are a very Good Mom and are doing the very best thing.. keep posting and reaching out for support.. we can never have enough as we have lived with negativity for a very long time.. Opiates are the biggest lie I have ever ran across.. hugs

[Ash909]

i definetly feel like my head is a lot clearer..but. i am not doing good!!!. I've been taking the quarter amounts of suboxene, and today is the last one I'll be taking and wtf all i can still think about is wanting pills and I am so scared of living a sober life.. I felt pretty OK with it the last 2 days but i'm starting to freak out again.. My body is killing me and  I've been thinking of how much of a better person/mom I am when Im high on painkillers.. I get energy, I focus, I feel great, i can socalize and the boring everyday tasks of life are easy to do high... but being sober I feel so tired, and moody, and i cant seem to accomplish much of anything. I just want to be happy and I am really sick to death of craving these damn pills and being dependent on them. I dont want to miss out on raising my daughter.. thankyou 10356.. you made me realize that the past 2-3 years have been somewhat of a blur because every fun thing I did with my daughter, i was always high on pills because I think it makes me a better person.. but in reality I think they're making me a zombie.. and I want to cherish and remember every little detail and second of her life.  thanks again for everybodys support!!!

[cristine1]

Hi Ashley
Hang in there. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. Also thanks to the former poster about remembering our childrens' events and being emotionally present for them while they are young. I have a son and feeI guilty that I have missed so much of his childhood. You are well on your way of not going down that same path. You can do it.

[10356]

Dear Ash.. Your fear of living life clean is as mine was.. I thought I was having fun but in reality I was robbing myself and my family of the true me.. they were raised with a drone as I can think of no other word.. getting clean takes a great amount of will power.. telling your ob would be the very best thing you can do as a mother.. I had to cut off my supply.. in the last seven months I have told my Dr. and my Surgeon I'm a drug addict.. not easy but the relief I felt and the weight off my shoulders.. not to mention the temptation made this that much easier to accept a clean life.. do you want to go to your childrens plays at school high and not all there or birthdays that are fuzzy memories.. Believe me addiction is a life long battle .. there is no room to walk the line.. I'm so very pleased you are seeing a positive in what you are going through and very sorry to read the your bf is partying while you are in so much turmoil.. but what it boils down to is us making a decision cutting of our supplier and dealing with life as we were meant to.. again I do not mean to sound harsh at all as these are not my intentions.. I have been where you are to many times to count and the damage and hurt I have caused my children will always haunt me. Now is your time to get Clean for good.. Honesty is the best policy as a Dr. will respect one who comes seeking help.. be kind to yourself...

[Ella789]

Day 3 and 4 will come and go.  You will be glad you did this for the children.  Just a couple more days and you will start to feel some better and the worst of it will be behind you!  I am so glad you are doing this. !

Ella

[stnick_77]

hang in there! I know exactly where you are coming from...I'm also 23 and have a son who jst turned 4. I was addicted to opiates also, mostly methadone, oxy's, and fentanyl. I have now been 6 months clean and I feel soo much better. It's amazing how much you miss when your always high...and you dont realize it it until you get clean. I thought I was gonna die too when i was detoxing. You're gonna feel like hell for the first 3-5 days but i promise it will get better!!  I know that you can do this, jst believe in yourself!

[Ash909]

im sitting here crying, because I am happy I have positive words to read in what is the most horrific period of my life it seems.. Today has been awful. I didn't sleep last night. I'm sooo damn tired but my mind wont stop racing and my legs are restless. I haven't spoken to my ob/gyn about how I abuse pills. i think it's partially because I know i will be getting a 'script after I have the baby.. and I don't want the doctor to not RX me painkillers.. but I dont want to start the abuse cycle over again come Septemeber..  I was given a half of a suboxene today from my mom, so Im going to take a quarter today and a quarter tomorrow.. then hopefully things will be somewhat better..  my boyfriend left me at home again  to go to this giant keg party/pig roast.. so im sitting here w/d trying my best to be positive for my 3 yr old.. and i just pray things get better soon. they have to because I cannot live like this.. I have to remember the hell I am going through right now so that I don't do this to myself ever again.. I did manage to go out for a walk and maybe it's just me but everything seems so much brighter than before, the grass, the trees especially.  it was a short walk because I cant stand up for more than a few minutes before I feel like im gonna collapse. but i think im going to be OK.

[Totsie59]

Just take it one day at a time..one hr at a time..It is sooo worth it..you will see life in a whole different light...take care and keep posting.

[10356]

You are definitely not alone :) wd is difficult and boy does it screw with our emotions... I have found the most useful thing for myself was my own brain.. Look at this as a warrior fighting for your life.. Find humor where none exists.. If we believe we will eventually become what we believe.. Life is long and all of us I think especially addicts must tread on the positives as the negatives are addictions right arm.. Keep reaching out for support.. you can do this !! Time moves slow this is for sure but it does keep moving... I hope you have spoken to your Dr. as wd is also rough on your baby.. they can give you meds that will ease it for both and do test that will bring you comfort.. Congratulations by the way :) When dealing with our kids clean we are more inclined to do activities that wear them out.. there are so many benefits to being clean I also hope you look into why you have had the need to dull your emotions for so long.. It took me 41 years to get the help I needed.. Please do it early as I would give anything to watch my kids grow with a clear mind and emotions.. I do not mean this to sound harsh at all.. You are just in such a wonderful position to enjoy the best things in life.. Fight hard for you are a she bear protecting her cubs.. without you all there... they must fend for themselves in ways that we could have shouldered if we were in control of our emotions and energy.. warmly lesa

[Ash909]

thanks everyone.. It helps knowing I'm not all alone

[gizzy32]

Congrats on doing this, I know at first it seems impossible, those thoughts you are having are very normal. When I started this process of getting clean, I was so terrified, the thought of having to go through life sober and wondering how would I ever heal and feel normal again. Recovery is baby steps, it does not happen overnight and that's why they say one day at a time at first, but we DO heal and learn to live normal again and life is 100x better. There is never an easy way, but you can do this with a positive attitude and some support, we all need a bit of help. Congrats on taking control back.

Look in the top right under health pages and you will see the thomas recipe which can help. Good luck:)

[JasonSATX]

I understand more than you can possibly imagine. I too felt it was impossible...... And it was- until I got on Suboxone. I have been clean for 13 days. I have 2 boys 3 and 8 and its like they wake up and do a line of speed. LOL. I now know why i took opiates for soooo long. Also YES OPIATES MAKE PEOPLE DO STUPID THINGS. Just try to forgive yourself because if you dwell on it (the addiction and all the worng stuff we do during our addiction) then it will be a lot more difficult to get clean. Trust me- I was REALLY hard on myself. It did NOT help.  I am not sure if Suboxone is safe while being pregos but you may want to look in to it. You will feel a hell of a lot better. Just remember IF you do get Suboxone treatment keep it as short as you can. In any event WHAT EVER YOU DO CONSULT A DOCTOR. Your pregnant....... It is going to be a rough ride but you have done a critical thing. Admit you have a problem, and want to get clean. How do you live? Gosh I really wish I knew more about being dependant on opiates while being pregnant. I just dont want to give you any advise that could put you in jeopardy at all. Please, please, please hang in there and know that it will get better. Also cuss, rant & rave, TALK to people, do what ever it takes to stay clean. You will get a lot of support on here. Keep posting.

-Jason-

[Ella789]

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly, withdrawl is rough.  You should start feeling much improved by the 5th or 6th day but until then, get some immodium, otc pain meds, drink liquids, heating pad if you have one.  Or hot(real warm) baths & or showers.  You need someone to take care of the little one if possible.  You can make it through this, you won't die, just feel really bad and rough for a few days.  Then you will be free from the damn pills. Your baby will be born okay, and you won't have to worry abt. that, Please, don't forget extra vitamin C as that helps so much.  Stay on here all you can, read the posts and do the best you can.  It isn't easy but please try.  If it gets too bad, call your dr. or go to ER and tell them what is going on.  Please, take care.
Hugs
Ella