how do i find the balls to take the 1st step in quiting pills?

in a month this is the combined amount me and my boyfriend  get from the dr. 340 10mg norco's 300 50mg tramadol 90 30mg morphine 90 60mg morphine  90 .50mg xanex and 90 1mg xanex. we always have almost 2 weeks a month that we have to buy pills off the street we buy whole scripts at a time a few times a month. We both know this is out of control and we need to stop. We have no sex life and we are going completely broke. all of our bills are way behind. Neither one of us want to see the other die from taking this crap so we switch off and on who holds the pills so we can make them last longer. we even have a plan worked out of when our scripts are due so that they are spaced out a little bit through out the month. we dont really take the xanex.. those are all used for "barganing" to get other things to sell to make more $$ for more vicodin or loratab or norcos. or they are used when we run out of the other stuff to xanex the w/d away.  This is completely out of control! we are parents that love our kids very much! What i think it's going to take is one of us has to take the leap and the other will follow. we are slightly co dependant =[  He wont take the leap himself... he takes the majority of the meds he's at about 15-20 a day. thats what he will admit too anyways. he hides his bottles so i dont know exactly how many hes blowing through so he knows that what hes doing is wrong. hes like a kid with a box of candy with them dam things. but when im holding them i take a crapload too =[ i dont know what to do! How do alot of you find it within yourself to stop?? i know we need to, we have too.. and i dont want us to hit rock bottom. we both know it's gotta stop sometime but neither one of us can actully break free of them.

[10356]

Hi sickofpillsandpain. Welcome to the forum. It is good you do not take the xanex regularly as that needs to be tapered as does the Trams.. How do you find the balls. you get so freaking sick and tired of being sick and tired.. hitting bottom is harsh and you both have much to loose. For myself it came down to making a decision.. did I want to live our did I want to die? I chooses life. in active addiction I was not happy my husband was not happy and my kids were not. They knew in what shape I was and it haunted them.. We work so hard at keeping our addiction going we loose track of the things that matter.. You would be surprised at how much of your emotions are dimmed due to the drugs. Your kids need you whole not just the physical you.. find your motivations.. You are here so this tells me you are getting ready to make the leap... You can both do this.. It just takes making a decision.. lesa

[quitinoxys]

You sound like you're ready to get of this merry-go-round. It doesn't take balls to get off just a will to get your life back. For me I wanted to stop living in a drug haze and watch my life dissolve in front of me. Also my wife deserved better as she was also suffering through my addiction. This is doable you just need to put your minds to it and struggle for about 3-5 days of w/d. You can do this so please make that decison to get your lives back. I will pray that God will give you the wisdom to make the right choice. God Bless---Rick

[petroglyph54]

I will try to help you find them, because I know where they are. They are within. You've had a long and hard run with the meds now, and your dosing has reached terminal proportions. This is not news to you. As mentioned above you have to choose between living and dying. If you choose sobriety it is simple, but not easy. If you choose sobriety there is an enjoyable life waiting for you, and this forum will help you. A couple weeks of misery is a small price to pay to get your life back. Your at the "crossroads", which way ya gonna turn? Good luck

[sickofpillsandpain]

thank you for commenting on my question. i am working on finding the balls..lol.. i want off of them! i never took pills like this before. i was never really into drugs. i was a drunk for a few years and i beat that.. i got tired of the hangovers and bein sick all the time i dont know how and when i got so wrapped up in these stupid things! i want my life back! i love my girls very much and i know that im not being the best mom i could be =[  i am very scared of the w/d's i have been through them before cuz we have run out but its been a while. i dont have time to lay here and recoup. i have 3 kids. 14&12&2.5. i keep thinking i will do this when they go with their gramma for a few weeks in the summer.. we were supposed to do it last summer when they were away for a few weeks but we didnt. that is a few weeks away... so am i just telling myself im going to do it then so i can drag my feet on quiting?? and will i really take the oppertunity?/ will i be strong enough to continue even if he dosent rite away? we both have very really health issues witch is why they were perscribed in the first place what do we do about that? ugggg so many what if's! i need to just do it! but the w/d are scary to me!

[petroglyph54]

I can only assume the medical reason for prescribing those meds has to do with pain management. Many here became addicted/physically dependent from legitamate pain issues and acquired there drugs legally, including me. I decided last Dec, that I was going to stop taking the meds, [oxy in my case] long enough to re-evaluate my true pain level as I suspected that the narcotics actually were creating pain. That wonderment with me was about a year up till then. Lots of people who visit this forum will tell you honestly as I will that my pain level actually decreased once I was thorougly detoxed. There are other means to deal with pain then being chained to the pills that will increase your quality of life. You may find this hard to believe as did I, but it is so. It would seem helpful if you had the opportunity for an in house detox facility, although not necessary. Yes, if the boyfriend continues to use and has pills around the house it will make it more difficult, but still doable. The choices are all yours, you already know the reasons. Sobriety will always be a personal choice and detoxing a personal journey. Again good luck

[sickofpillsandpain]

i have been reading alot about drugs and the ins and outs of them and i have come across this web site called phsycology today... alot of interesting articals one of them sent shivers down my spine it is written very well heresparts to one of them that ment the most to me::::::.I'm a drug addict and a sex addict, and as far as I'm concerned, staying anonymous let's me remain buried in shame, and a double life, that keeps me always one step ahead of those close to me. Did I say too much? Did I give away my secrets? None of those questions matter when everyone knows everything there is to know about you. For a disease couched in anxiety, obsessions, and compulsive behavior, there's very little that can be more triggering.It's time to leave the addiction "closet" and start living. We may not be able to change who we are easily, but we can change the way we go about living and make it easier on ourselves and on others. By breaking our anonymity, we can help assuage our own shame and let everyone know that addiction is everywhere and that it can be successfully overcome. heres the link to the whole articale and more like it::http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201106/battling-addiction/shame-doesnt-help just some good reading!

thank you very much for the responses to my question... it's nice to know im not alone and im not some weakling p.o.s. i feel like i am alot of times but it helps to read these stories and get feedback from people that are either still in your same boat of people that have over come the same if not worse then me! it helps me to begin the process of gaining the streangth to quit for good.. thank you for that =]

[sickofpillsandpain]

yes we were both prescribed these meds for legit reasons ... i could go in there at any point and say ouch i stubbed my toe and the dr would hand over a script of 120-180 vicodin we were with her for 3 yrs and never had any issues getting any med that we wanted from her. we were addicted to pills before her.... he had issues on and off but it had been a long while for him with any pill ( 3 yrs clean from oxy) but i went in there one day for a check up after i had our daughter and she felt my back and said o wow its really very tight and perscribed me 90 500mg vicodin and 60 .25 xanex for the anxiety i was feeling and well it went on and on from there... i had a couple x rays and a couple mri's and i do have back issues that i need surgery for but she never made me really look into fixing it she just handed me pills every friggen month! i wouldnt even go there for months on end i would just call in my script and poof they would be at the pharmacy that day. me and my b/f came up with alot of different games to play to get 2 scripts a month each or to get them early... we even went as far as to make a dam police report about pills being stolen so we could get another script! another time we told her that i had them in my purse and i lost them while shopping... we came up with alot of different things and she never questioned us she just called them in! and get this one... my b/f came up with this and i never thought it would work in a million years and i laughed at him when he came up with it, he went in to the dr after only having his script for 3 days and told her that the color in them were making him itch they were loratab so they were blue.. so she wrote him for another 180 norco's this time... didnt ask any questions she just did it! then a few days later he said he was going to do it again! i was like ok there is nooooooo way that it will work! and he went in there and told her this time they are yellow and they are making him itch and i **** you not she wrote him yet another whole script so he could take it to another pharmacy and get some with no color! wow huh!? i couldnt believe it!  anyways of course we thought she was the best dr in the world ..lol.. we dont go to her anymore. my b/f was having issues from the chantex they perscribed and he had a tantrum in their office so they discharged him then they made up a reason to dishcharge me too. we were so upset cuz there went our easy pill dr. but i did some research and found a good dr that had very high marks and very good comments and i have just started seeing him. when he saw the list of meds i was on he said what in the hell!? you do not need all of these things! you are supposed to be taking upwards of 10 different things everyday? he said he will work with me and help me with my meds. me 2nd appt with him is next week. im going to be honest with him and see if that will do me any good. he seems like a very nice dr and very understanding and down to earth so we will see!

[sickofpillsandpain]

* we WEREN'T addicted to pills before her* a correction from the 4th sentence aboce

[10356]

It sure dose not make it any easier to have a willing Dr. But when it boils down to it You put them in your mouth.. she is not responsible for your addiction. You 2 are.. along with getting honest with those around us is getting honest with ourselves and taking responsibility for our addictions and actions.. I'm really glad you are going to tell the Dr. He can be a tremendous help with meds that will help get thru the wd.. are you looking to get completely off ? I also have pain issues but I have found them less now that I'm off meds Many do.  do not be scared of the wd ok Embrace them for it is going to be what leads to Freedom from the insanity that is active addiction.. wishing you the very best ! lesa

[Bad_Obsession]

So many people like to blame the person that they were getting the pills from.  Not saying you are one of those people....I'm just sayin.  I blamed the person that gave me my first pill for a long time.  Then one day I realized....you know what, we all choose our own destiny.  We chose to do whatever it took to get our fix. Eventually, you have to pay the price for it.

I think Gnarly had a really good journal entry on his page, about how everyone fears WD's.  I still do in a way....but 10356 is totally right....embrace them for what they are...and that is....your ticket to FREEDOM!  

You can do it.  Get help....get into aftercare...and post on here alot.  Be strong.

[sickofpillsandpain]

no i dont blame her... i took them and liked them and then kept getting them and i was in on all the scams. i just wonder why she had let so much slide? she's not stupid. she's actually a very nice person.  i am a waitress and she would come in to eat with her kids and tip me 30-40 $ for just the 3 of them! so shes not a bad person by any means shes also a young dr. so maybe that has something to do with the ease of handing out scripts like they are candy?? i dont know. but i guess i should have been a bit more clear i dont blame her but i do wonder why it was so easy. i have heard before that some dr's take kick backs from pharmaceutical company's. i dont know if thats true or even legal. There was a point where i did blame her... when we got discharged she only wrote a very very small amount for us both so i was livid and calling lawyers and all kinds of stuff and blamed her for the shape i was in... but you are rite there's a point where you have to take responsibility for your own choices and actions. where do you look for after care?? i'm also a little scared to take methadone or suboxone  im afraid ill like them too much. im a sucker for uppers =[  i plan to post on here alot i like the support that people offer and how i'm not judged it makes it eaiser to share my thoughts a stories....putting my story out there and just talking about it and reading it in print helps somehow.

[Bad_Obsession]

Yep...we are all responsible for our own desitny.  

I found a NA class where I live.  Aftercare is a must for most people in order to stay clean.  It took me over 3 years to realize that I couldn't beat this on my own.  I have always prided myself in not asking for help (with anything in life- not just pills) but it's different with an addiction.  Most need help and support to stay clean.  And i hear what you are saying about posting on here makes it easier, but don't let this be your only form of support.  Some have done it with just Medhelp....but most of us have relapsed over and over again...until we seeked help outside of this website.  I just googled "NA support group" in my area and a list of them came up.  I just called around and forced myself to go.  I didn't want to at first, but once I did go, I saw exactly why everyone on this site suggested it.  NA is amazing- plain and simple.  

[sickofpillsandpain]

thanks for the tips. i dont ask for anything either never have so it's definitely not going to be easy to ask for help with this! i even beat a full blow alcohol addiction on my own... i went through DT'S and nightmares and the while 9. but going to a group wont hurt anything thats for sure! im going to google NA support group in my area and see what comes up. i wonder if you can go to those things even before you quit?

[CJ666191]

Try working out

[petroglyph54]

The first meeting, walking thru the door, is the toughest part. I think because of the way it's built up in our minds. I've been to quite a few and felt better after each one. Never in my life did I foresee myself going to or coming from a n/a meeting, those were for "other folks". Everyone there will have been or will be where you are. No shame, no dues, no promises. There only request is that you have a desire to be clean. They ask at the beginning that if you've used that day to just listen and that you have no illegal substances on your person so as not to jeapordize the group. Getting support lined up, and your continued reading will be priceless for what lies ahead. I agree with the above poster's that wd's shouldn't be feared, but imbraced. The imbrace part might take a little practice. You've felt it before and it is what it is. Thousands, maybe millions have went through it and come out the other side.....wiser. It's not pleasant, but it's rewarding. Read the "thomas recipe" bottom right on this page. Have the stuff there before going for it, start the vitamins earlier then when tshtf. Make a plan, figure out how it will be with the bf, again, keep reading, be prepared...Good luck