how do i help

[grievingmom]

I am a mom that had 2 sons addicted to oxycotin, one of my sons took his own life because of the addiction and my younger son is still battling with this demon. He tells me he is off of it but i don't believe him. He is dealing with a lot of guilt over the death of his brother his life is a mess. Before I lost my son I had no clue about the drugs they were doing. They were both in their 20's and they never confided in me as to the problem they had. I have told my son that I will do whatever I can to help him. I am helping him financially but I think that I am helping to support his habit. I am afraid that I will lose him also, what can I do to help?  

[cbrak]

Thanks for this info.  It makes sense to me and I just need to figure out how to get him to such a facility.  He still thinks he can come live with me and I know that is NOT the answer.  He needs professional help....someone he can't argue with.

[LateAugust]

Thank you both for your comments,  and as you, am so sorry for all the pain the drugs cause in a multitude of ways, not to mention the total destruction of lives.  I agree the urine tests are necessary,  and since it is my daughter, she has to provide her sample in front of me.  Thank you for the info for the on line drug tests, I am paying $30 for one 4-test now from the pharmacy.   She does look so better,  but we always want to see the best in our kids, and I was a fool before.....the diffference this time has been her honesty with family members,  admitting she needed and attending NA (which I never thought she would do)  and I truly think going thru  2 weeks of withdrawal, which truly were hell.  I don't know,  I am not sure there is any magic answer, or signs, or anything other than when they decide they can't continue to abuse their bodies, lie and decieve  every important person in their life, they ask for help,  and want their moms.......I truly find it all so baffling as to the beginning of the use, and will always question why she would chose that route when there were and are so many different options.......I just don't get it.         I hope for the both of you moms, your sons will trust your judgement and allow you to help.  And most importantly realizing themselves that they just can't live like this any more.   You both have touched my heart, thank you, and please know I also  wish and pray for your sons and  for you to find peace.

[grievingmom]

My son has not asked for help with his addiction, he quit doing the drugs and I watched him go through withdrawals last fall. I got him some herbal pills that helped with the withdrawal symptoms. He seemed to be doing o.k. for a while then I knew that he was using again. When I asked him about it he said "I just do a little now and then". I asked him to please get help, I gave him info on NA meetings in the area. As far as I know he hasn't gone to get any help. I just asked him(about an hour ago) if he was doing any drugs now and he said he just smokes a little pot now. I don't know what I am going to do but I really appreciate the great response I got on this web site. Everyone is so caring and I didn't realize how many moms are going thru this same thing. I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Clamity2]

I am very sorry about the loss of your son.   My suggestion is for you to find a meeting for yourself. There are A.A or N.A  alanon meetings. They have similar programs. They help the family and frends of alcoholics or addicts.
You can try to help. My son is a addict too.  I pray for him.

[helpingmyson]

I also have been dealing with my son's drug use since I found out about it Jan 2007. Similar to your daughter, he prefers to use percocet, but graduated to oxy (snorting) He's 19 soon to be 20.
I went through the detox with him last Jan and they were very bad. Then again this past fall not as bad but still physical sickness.
I still don't trust that he will stay clean. He used for about one month Oct 2007 all the while using someone else's urine to pass the drug tests my husband was giving him. Then he used oxy once in Feb; Suboxone once in March and oxy once in April. I now drug test him before he's out of bed in the morning and make sure the urine is warm and really his.
He wants to be tested. I buy drug tests online. I have 12 panel, and 1 panel suboxone and 1 panel oxy. He never knows what I'll be testing him for but my main concern is the oxy. Medical Disposables and Uritox are 2 online places that I bought the tests very cheap.
I don't think suboxone is the way to go for him at his point but if I have one more episode with his using oxy, his choice wil be rehab or leave our home.
I think the mental addiction will be very strong for a long time and he knows that as long as lives with us, he will be tested; he will be confronted; he will be offered help. Follow your intuition. If you think she's using again, ......she is...!!! I used to doubt myself but I don't ever let anything slide if I'm suspicious. I get the whole house in an uproar and I get a sickening feeling in my stomach, but I always bring it out in the open. I won't keep his drug use a secret from my other 2 adult children.
My son knows that we love him and he's the best kid ever ....it took me awhile to notice the difference in his personality when he's on or off drugs, but I now seem to be able to pick up on him immediately if he's taken oxy or percocet. Unfortunately it's happened 3 times since last fall. (twice with oxy and once with suboxone)
It's a very hard situation but I'm optomistic for him. We're really realizing that the number one trigger is his spending time or working with his very good friends who still use. He absolutley has to stay away from them. That's one thing I can't make him do, but he's been spending time and getting re-aquainted with old high school friends who don't use and actually doing things, like playing basketball again and having fun. It's choice and he knows he'll be caught immediately.
I wish you and your daughter all the best.

[LateAugust]

Did your son ask for help?   I am the mother of an oxy user,  she snorted aprox 80 mgs a day for over a year   and I didn't have a clue until a few weeks ago. But all of her lies  started to spin out of control, and she was unraveling.  Our family was devastated,  we lost our 24 yr old to  cancer,  and here our 21 yr old was taking her life by her own hand.  I was called an enabler here,  but there was absolutely no way I was going to bury another child.      I took her to a psychiatrist  that prercribed 3 scripts for detox,   she has  a coucelor,   as much as she hated it she went to NA mtgs  sicker than a dog,   I took her cell phone,  the keys to her car and any access to money.     And am fortunate that I could take the time off work to be with her 24X7.   She is at the end of day 13,  and it has been hell,  but she is doing so well,,,,,,bright eyes    stable moods  her beautiful smile   I drug tested her on about day 8   she was clean  the trust has been broken and will take a long time to return,  I will continue to test for the next few months.  I loved my daughter enough to let her hate me.   But most importantly she knew she was at the end of her lies........truly a house of cards.   My love and support are with you.  And as a mother that buried her daughter,  I am so sorry for the death of your son,  not many truly understand........

[corey411]

This is a letter written by a recovered addict that helped put things in perspective for me with my son. I thought it might help.

How to help an addict by a recovering addict

Let them know you know,
Don't hide it.
Let them know you care'
But do not enable.
Say"I know what's going on"
Give them the books and literature.
Show them where they can get help.
But hardly can you ever force someone to get well.
Don't enable but support.
Be open, Refer as openly to heroin as you might to a glass of wine.
Don't nag or reprimand, But don't approve or collaborate.
Don't throw them out of the home immediatly, but if you have to save the rest of the family you may have to ask them to go.
Sometime there is a moment when they are ready
There was someone who tried to get clean for 16 years, the moment came, she did it
Spirituality can help. But it is not available to everyone.
If they arent ready, their not ready.
If their not ready maybe they have to go back out until they are ready. Maybe they will die before they are ready
Accept this is a risk you take.
Accept that when you've done your best, there is nothing more you can do.
Noone believes addiction is going to happen to them.
Everyone thinks at first they can control it.
The drug always ends up controling the person.
Understand their powerlessness
Be kind, suggest new options in life.
Let them know you know, let them know you care.
Be open Be strong. Do not cover up for them.
Do not tell lies for them, phoning in with false excuses for missed appointments.
Love them, Respect them, but do not enable.

[troubled900]

Have you thought about staging and intervention?  I'm really new here, and I don't know that much about it, but I do know that having someone from my family actually approach me about my addiction would make it so much easier for me to come clean to them.  It's really hard being the abuser and having to confess these things to your loved one's.  Maybe you could find a counselor or a Dr that specializes in addiction and have he or she agree to help you confront your son.  I'll be praying for you!

[10356]

I'm so sorry to hear of the suicide of your Dear Son, that is a heart break that know Mother should go thru.
I have two brothers who were really close in age, My younger brother also took his own life, although it was not over the use of drugs the aftermath is still the same, my other brother has really payed the price. I suggest you try to talk to your son about counseling. I know my brother did not receive it and it and still haunts him today, he carries a lot of guilt as I'm sure your son dose. Sense they both did drugs and knew of each other I'm sure there are a lot of what ifs running thru his head.
Maybe if you approached it on that angle he might go for counseling for grief and end up dealing with his drug problem also.
I also would not give him money, as hard and harsh as it seems you do not want to feed into his drug addiction. Reaching rock bottom no money no drugs maybe even the possibility of loosing his home, maybe the ticket to straighting him out, and if the roommates are doing drugs, believe me if he has no money they will get sick of giving him free drugs. That can only be a benefit...
These are only my opinions and again I'm so sorry for the lose of your son.... Take care

[corey411]

My son was also addicted...to heroin. He started on Oxy but soon went to heroin. I would not give him any money or assistance...other than your love until he has a detailed plan on what to do about his recovery. He will not agree to this for you and unfortunatly noone can get him to want recovery...only him. Learn not to enable. It will only make his addiction stronger.Give him all of the literature and let him know you want him in rehab but you cannot push to hard or make him. Do not give him money. He will support his habit and will probably lose his apt. anyway. My son sold all of his furniture and his girlfriends family kept paying the bills and bailing them out. It can not work. I know losing another son does not help...I lost one to cancer and realized that when I came to believe that my sons only hope was to help get him to rock bottom so he would chose to get help that I was playing Russian rulette sp? I believe that he would have died otherwise. He has been clean over 3 years.....after alot of work. I pray that your son will chose help for himself. God Bless. Pm me anytime you want to talk...I remember there was not alot of people I could talk to about my son's addiction. Corey

[worried878]

They test for benzos, narcotics, amphetamines, cocaine and thc....5 panel drug screen

[grievingmom]

Thanks for the advise. I don't know if I can get him to agree to a rehab facility but I will do the research and talk to him about it. thanks

[grievingmom]

He does not live with me. He has an apartment with a room mate. I think his room mate has a drug problem too. Do the urine test show what drugs they are using?

[kim715]

I am so sorry for your loss and for your current situation.I think that catuf gave you a wonderful suggesstion.I would start looking immediately for a long term in patient facility,the sooner the better.I wish you and your son all the best.I will keep you in my prayers.Peace.

[worried878]

I feel for you...it hurts to have one u love to be taken from u so young...a child is a terrible loss...i see how u feel as tho u r on fragile ground as u dont want to alienate your son or lose him either......does he live with you?  would he object to taking a urine test before u give him anymore money?  u can get them now at the drugstore..if he objects then u know...it would have to approached in a positive caring manner for sure...you know a friend of mine is in denial about her habit...i actually printed a couple of stories or posts off of here and gave them to her...i asked the person first even tho there is no way to know who the person is...she was fine with it....i saw my friend reading and her mind was working ....it was about 5 posts i gave her that i noticed were very close to her situation and use...dont know...just trying to offer help and it may not be the help u need

[CATUF]

if i had a loved one in active addiction, i would do everything in my power to get them into long-term in-patient rehab.  the longer the better.  i was forced into rehab for four months and it saved my life.  there is no doubt in my mind that i would be dead without that.  

the time was critical -- i had been in a 28 day program just 5 months before, but it was just way too short.  i relapsed less than 48 hours later.  there is something dramatic that changes in the brain after about 90 days -- according to a fairly recent article in Time, the brain does a reset at about 90 days:

"One important discovery: evidence is building to support the 90-day rehabilitation model, which was stumbled upon by AA (new members are advised to attend a meeting a day for the first 90 days) and is the duration of a typical stint in a drug-treatment program. It turns out that this is just about how long it takes for the brain to reset itself and shake off the immediate influence of a drug. Researchers at Yale ."
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436-3,00.html

CATUF
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