how long do I hang on

My husband is addicted to vicodin.  He sneaks around getting it because the doctor who prescribed it just stopped it cold turkey.  I really don't know the whole story behind it because my husband won't tell me the truth. We have been married for 13 years and I think I need to leave.  We have 4 kids and he is so much in denial over this problem.  I am no stranger to addiction.  I am an adult child of an alcoholic so it really does not surprise me the lengths he will go to get his fix.  I am just tired of being lied to and so tiried of trying to help.  I think it is time to help myself and get away with my sanity and my kids before it all blows up in my face.  I am just looking for any thoughts on how I can get him help and basically stage an intervention.  I am not kididing myself I know it is a 50/50 shot but I won't give him up without a fight. Any thoughts?

[reagan2]

Its sad to sat that I feel your pain. Me and my husband have two children and he is addicted to loritabs. He is a great father and loves his kids and me  but to have to live with him and fight this addiction with him will drain the life out of you. But you love him . He s your family. How do you know when to leave I have never figured that one out!  I have left him and it only got worse for him. Just started using more. Does he want to quit.

[dfr3]

I feel for you!!!
YOU need to take care of yourself and your children first.
have you ever gone to alanon meetings, for those who's loved ones are addicted?
WHAT an awesome program and you can talk to peolpe in the same boat as you.
they can give you better advice than I [an addict] could.  I wanted to quit alcohol, and my husband stayed with me, and I love him for that.  But if I had NOT got off the booze he would have left with our children!
and to be honest if he hadn't gave me that ultamative I may not have been so willing to get sober.
AND I surely would have NO respect for a man who would put there children thru that.
however, I have been booze free for 10 years but the last couple of years I got hooked on pain pills, which I am fighting to get clean from.  be careful for the switching of addictions.

good luck please keep us posted

[SadWife]

I hate to say this but I am happy to know that someone out there understands me.  I really don't think my husband wants to quit because he is in denial that he even has a problem.  He does have legitmate pain and I am not sure how much pain he really is in.  I may have been in denial myself because I urged him to see a pain clinic for help.  I really had no idea it would turn into this.  I grew up with a mother who abused alcohol and watched her slowly kill herself.  She died from liver disease and I am so scared I will watch my husband die as well.  It is kind of like fight or flight.  I want to run because I can't and I will not watch him die from this addiction.  He has lost so much weight and he is exhausted all the time.  I think I am just scared that I am watching him die right in front of my eyes.  Thanks for listening :)

[SadWife]

Thank you for the words of encouragement.  I am happy to know I am not alone because I feel very alone.  I have been to alanon and have had several years of counseling dealing with my mother's addiction to alcohol.  I fnd it very ironic that I married a man who ultimately became addicted to pills.  Kind of cruel twist of fate.  I have thought about going back to alanon and I believe I will look into it further.  Thanks again!!

[road2recovery]

I am so sorry to hear your story...As you said he may not want to quit...and there is nothing you can do to make him, he has to want it..
you are doing the right thing...tough love..take care of you and your children..
God bless
keep posting as you will get so much support..
R2R

[Anhedonio]

I think your first concern is to protect yourself and your children. Depending on various factors like his level of addiction, financial means, and acknowledgment that he has a problem and desire to get clean, there are different steps you can take. If he has friends and family that want to help, an intervention might work. I'd contact the folks at A&E (Intervention TV) and see if they can offer any kind of assistance or suggestions.

For many people addicted/dependent on opiates, the fear of withdrawal is a major issue. NAABT.org (Suboxone advocates) have forums and lots of information on Buprenorphine, a medication used to treat opioid/opiate addiction.

There's also a site (SMARTrecovery.org) that has tools to help deal with addictions and behavioral issues. One tool is a CBA (Cost Benefit Analysis) where you write down all the costs and benefits of a particular behavior, both lng and short term. Sometimes seeing how much the costs outweigh the benefits on paper is enough to make people realize it's worth doing what it takes to eliminate the behavior.

He's a lucky man to have someone willing to help him through this, but if he is in denial and refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, there's really not much else you can do other than to let him know he will lose everything that is dear to him if he continues to deceive himself and others.

I hope it works out for the best.

Jas.

[justlikeyou]

id give him an ultimatum, get clean or get lost.

when he is faced with that reality, he may decide he wants his family more than the drugs...but maybe not.

as long as you accept his addictiod he has no reason to quit.

and it will only get worse.

[Anhedonio]

Maybe if there were no kids involved, telling him to get clean or get lost might be the best option. But there is a marriage and a family to consider.

He's got a problem/disease that he needs to get treatment for. If he were a diabetic that refused to take his insulin, would you throw him out of the house.

Would be great if we could think clearly and logically in the throws of addiction, but we don't.

[beachtowel]

If you threaten an addict and box him in a corner he will choose drugs........
Ultimatiums work in some circumstances but not with addicts unless its a judge threatening time but even in those circumstances many go to jail anyway.......
Tough love is an option your post is very clear and I think he should read it..........

You have invested 13 yrs of your life with him and you have four kids.....you just don't say take it or leave it to that person.........

Honesty is the only way to start the healing process........the problem is you can't help him stop he has to want it for himself your support is after he stops using and gets clean........

does he work everyday and bring home a paycheck.........?
do you guys have good medical insurance or is he killing your savings?

while he is using he will lie through his teeth to cover his addiction.......his addiction even though he loves his family will get first attention.......

You could push him a little about telling him you will file for divorce if he won't stop just be careful how you do it....do it out of true care and concern and not the police dept........do you know what i mean.......

[liscamdave]

I took grew up with addicts for parents and watched them both be sent to an early grave. I am so sorry to hear that this is where you are. Your husband needs help but he has to want it. How old are your kids? Do they know what the situation is?

We are all here for you....

Lisa

[opi]

if it was not for the 4 kids i would think you were my woman....i am not in denial and have admitted to my problem....i have not old her everything but enough to cause serious tension...(some stuff need not be said)...she was aware of my issues and had mentioned it.i denied for a while but i was outa control so i fessed up one day....it explains a whole lot of stuff....old lies made sence all the sudden....i have been getting clean and have the mindset to get it done...she is not very supportive and thinks i did it to myself so get out of it myself(doc was scripting me 100 percs a month then moved out of town,,,we have a doc shortage and took who i could but he is anti narco...anyways had been getting off the stret for some time and it turn into oxycontin...then i went on a major bender for 5 months....i need(ed) her to be solid and to understand what has happened and also know that there is a serious level of embarrasment...your husband knows he is a junkie but wants to avoid conflict with you...posssibly chnaging your approach might help.....be nice and understanding....good luck

[tina49028]

I grew up with an alcoholic father, and I can remember being very young and praying my mom would take me and leave him, she never did as a result I became an alcoholic as a teenager and eventually an addict,I became what I saw. it isnt always best for kids to stay. I do emphathize with you I left my 4  month old sons dad in the middle of the night not having a clue where to go. if you choose to stick it out, dont lose your own sanity, join some kind of support group

[Inthedark&sad]

My story is similar to yours, except we have two children and i finally asked him to leave. Not because of his problem, but because of the lies. It tears up your very being dealing with that on a regular basis.  What i realize now is they are directly related, it is part of the behavior  and i didn't realize how bad it had gotten.  I have at least found my own peace with the children for now and i pray he comes out of denial.  Fortunately i realized that being a good wife does not include compromising the self-care i need to be a good person and mother.  That has to come first for healthy living and healthy children. It is time for him to take responsibilty and decide wether he is going to put himself and then family priorities were they belong.  Be sure to have good reference materials for your own support.

[Calzy]

I hope you can help your husband enough so he can see how sick he really is and that he needs a wake up call A.S.A..P  Did you asked him why the doctor stopped his prescription, was it because the dr could tell he was looking bad? I lost tons of weight during my 13 yrs lortab run and was skin and bones down from 230 lbs and i did not quit, would not quit no mater what my wife (at the time) said or did, even when she left me. I have 4 children and i put my drugs & myself first before my family. My wife did an intervention and i went to a 30 day rehab and was clean about 90 days and went right back to it and continued to lie thru my teeth to my wife. My story has a sad ending with everybody hurt and the worst is still to come. Yea i quit using in the last few months only because of no job, all the money and doctors are gone and my health is bad. Someone lets me use this computer, my my old car is day to day and i'm not looking forward to living on the streets with winter coming on but boy those drugs were sure worth it. As bad as it is, i try to keep a positive attitude everyday because i'm clean now and better late than never. I hope your can tell your husband to read this forum or print out parts to him and he will see he is not alone and see if he is willing to at least try. If he does not feel something from this site, you should have a real reason for concern. I hope he sees the light soon before it to late.

[CATUF]

I have to run in just a minute, but I wanted to respond to you because I too am the father of four wonderful kids.  Due primarily to my wife, my life has been saved and restored to a level that is far better than before I ever fell victim to the addiction that quite literally almost destroyed me.

My wife showed some very "tough love" when she finally got past my lies and figured out what was wrong.  Long story short - I had two options 1) go to rehab for as long as it takes or 2) head out the door and don't come back.  It took a choice like that to get me on the right path.

I've now been 100% clean and sober for 850 days and life is good.  Very good.  My wife is happy and says that she feels "safe" in a way she never did before.

Gotta run

CATUF