humor in the little things (actually a terrible story)

[flyforfish]

So 2 days ago I was incredibly frustrated with myself that I'm still on pills, and as a result totally broke, lying to my wife blah blah all the **** that bums junkies out.  So I did something very stupid I decided I was going to intentionally OD on everything I had left and just be done with it. So 130 mg of hydrocodone 6mg xanax and a fifth of Jameson. All I managed to do apparently was cook a cheeseburger that I don't remember. My wife works nights at the local ER. So she gets home at 7 am and finds me on the living room floor out cold,  apparently she didn't even try to wake me up assuming I had just hit the bottle a little too hard with my buddies the night before, and that they had snuck out before she got home. She finally wakes me up about 3 pm after her nap, and chews my *** up and down about the mess I left in the kitchen (from my cheeseburger making attempts).  My first inclination was to tell her what I had actually intended so she'd stop yelling at me,  then it just snapped in my head that this situation was hilarious like seriously wtf was I thinking. So I'm a day and a half clean now and having a pretty good outlook on things maybe i can kick it this time.  Thought you guys could use a laugh.

[lulu747]

God man.  I can so hear how hard it must be for your wife to come home and complain about those junkies at work (guessing she's a nurse) when you are feeling like the biggest junkie of them all.  It's hard, and I'm guessing she doesn't quite get it.  But by 'protecting' her from the real truth you're not really giving her the chance TO get it.  Perhaps you will lose her for a time, perhaps that's what you both need.  I've never seen something come out of an honest 100% go at sobriety that didn't bring about some compassion and understanding.  You're stuck in a cycle.  You have an incredibly high pressured job, and I know addiction runs deep in your field.  You need to know you aren't alone and you are worth saving.  Think about all the people that you have saved in your career.  Don't you think you're worth the same effort?
Well, you are.  Plain and simple.
Guess what?  When I was 27 I moved back in with my parents.  I was super sick and I lost everything.  I ended up on about a million drugs and it was the most depressing time of my life.  I finally married a big time a-hole just to get out of the house.  This is when he ended up abusing me, and I ended up abusing the drugs.  I went back to my parents when I new it was time to get clean.  It was amazing the support.
Once I was clean and working a program EVERYTHING became possible.  Sure I was 33, single, no home and no job but that changed quick.  Like in a year quick.  It's amazing how the universe supports us when we act in accordance to our highest selves.
Dude, give yourself a shot here.  We all believe in you.  You wouldn't keep coming back here if somewhere inside you you didn't think you had a chance at a clean life.
We will cheer you on.
Lu

[kellygirll]

ask yourself this is staying sick in addiction worth staying with a wife who does not want to help you get well? it is what it is but staying sick so she won't leave won't do you any good at all and offing your self b/c of the fear of what she will do if she finds out dont let her have that much power do what you have to do to stay alive man if she's there she's there and if not she's not but you will die by your addiction if you keep at it you are an addict and we relapse and if she has some sort of medical license and doesn't understand addiction? hmm and she will not loose that license by association with an addict she is not doing anything illegal think long and hard about whats worth what here I'm thinking you are worth so much more than your marriage because with out you there is not marriage ya know? best of luck to you I'm root in for ya!!!!

[vicki595]

You've ended up where most of us were and by an identical path.  Believe me, we know how you feel and have been that depressed, hopeless person who decides to die or just keep going down.  It's a pretty crappy existence when you get to that point.

So listen. Don't do that OD drama again. It's really unfair to the people who care about you and to yourself. You must be pretty pissed off at your wife if you chose the living room floor in your home to off yourself.  You need to look into that...

Right now you need help. If your wife can't or won't help you so be it. Tell her anyway then go after sobriety on your own. There's plenty of support out there!  If you're not interested that's your choice and yours alone but why don't you try?   We'll support you all the way here. And by the way, this forum is VERY serious about what we do and who we are. Many of our suggestions are conservative.  You're very welcome to be part of the group so stay in touch and congrats on 3 days clean time!

[flyforfish]

And yeah I've got a couple close friends that know,  and no children

[flyforfish]

Yes I'm a firefighter there was never any one specific injury I remember. Doc says spinal stenosis secondary to osteoarthritis with bone spurs. But yeah I've fallen off(or jumped when ***** real bad) a few roofs in my day. I'm often in situations where lifting properly are not an option lots of twisting and straining.  I was in pain everyday somtimes I literally couldn't get up, I would literally lay or sit wherever I was until the pain subsided. Never took anything but ibuprofen never really considered anything an option. Then I had my appendix taken out and it was great nothing hurt after that first shot of diluaded. Not only did I notice the appendix pain immediately stopped, but suddenly for the first time in years there was no pain in my back. I could sit up in my hospital bed without wincing in pain. The reward center in my brain took that information and ran with it, I took all the pain pills I could reasonably get my hands on.  So yeah I guess I'm sorry for leaving out the backstory. I guess it really doesn't change anything though

[msdelight]

Fly, let's start over ok. You're a fireman with injuries? Is that how it started? How long have you been using? How much a day? Any kids involved in your marriage? Any close friends outside the family you could confide in?  I have to tell you that recovery is not an exact science.  What works for some can't possibly work for all. Everyone has different circumstances and there are some spouses you just can't work with. Not a popular topic here but true just the same. Believe me I know. The most important thing is that you want to get clean and that you believe you're worth it. You are you know.

[Krissy_123]

Oh ugh...you're a fire fighter? Ya that would suck detoxing doing that. But almost 3 days that's awesome!! Few more days and the worst physical symptoms should end. Then you just have to remind yourself how ****** you felt them first few days and dont want to do it again...I know Easier than done.

[flyforfish]

Still clean today no opportunity has come my way to score yet today. I ended up having a rough night at work last night 2 fires combined with the aches of withdraw I've been soaking in Epsom salt since 9 am but I'm about to have to go to physical therapy in a little bit

[flyforfish]

No there was no sarcasm I'm just bad at talking to people sorry if i sounded ungrateful.

[Krissy_123]

Hey man,how are you feeling today? I know you were at a day and a half clean lastnight. I understand not wanting to tell your family,I've watched mine put addicts down for years. I watched them abandon my little sister. She had it bad,used anything she could get her hands on. Stole from all of us. She's been clean for 18 months after being an addict for over half her young life. And now all she has is me for family. Know one forgave her for the grief or pain she caused. I think I stuck by her because I knew what she was going through. Know one knew or knows I was addicted to my pain pills. They knew I took them. I went through chemo after my hysterectomy so it was obvious I took pain meds. But no suspected the significance of how many I took. My doctor was just my dealer. Never said no never turned me away. Life would have been easier I think if he did. But back to I get it. I won't tell my family because I saw what they did to my sister. (There is the chance that they'll understand because my situation was so different than my sister,but an addicts an addict. Whether is from dealer or a doctor) But there is other help out there. Ppl dedicate there lives to helping ppl like us. So there is always that option of outside family help.

[weaver71]

I sense a little sarcasm in, "thanks for the compassion." I don't think you realize that all the above advice is truly compassionate, at least from the people I know. Hard truths don't always sound compassionate, but that doesn't mean they aren't. There is  no easy way out of opiate addiction, your wife should know that. I wish I could say to take a vitamin and stop drugs today, tomorrow you will be fine. It takes a lot of sacrifices for most of us to quit, some lose spouses, houses, friends, jobs, not to drugs, but to the commitment to quitting drugs. My external life appeared great on drugs, I kept it all together, but I lost my farm, new truck, business and tools, so many things I lost to detox. Well, it was worth it all. I almost lost my family, but my actions and confessions lined up long enough that my family believed I was for real the last time.  I wish it wasn't true. I do feel for you, this thread reminds me of how I felt about 3 years ago. Now I see, even the posts that sounded rude to me or heartless, were genuine efforts of people trying to tell me how things really are, and that was not how I was perceiving them. Don't let your addict mind defend drugs and convince you of why you have to keep using.

[flyforfish]

For me to do all the stuff like I guess I'm supposed to do. I would need my wife to come to me with knowledge of my use, but not in the crying, screaming, I'm leaving you sort of way I'm used to. If she could just understand how I got where I am, does she really think this was the plan?! I would go to rehab and commit my every effort to getting clean.  However this conversation has been had 2 times now (didn't go well either time, worse the second time. I'm sensing a trend) I just have 0 understanding how she thinks it'd just be so easy to quit and I'm clearly not clean because I care more about doing drugs than her. But that's such ******** it's not very often anymore I can actually afford to get high anymore(in spite of a sizable raise) mostly I'm just staying well so she can come home take off her white coat and tell me about all the drug seeking losers she had to deal with at work last night. It's been made very clear to me there is no 3rd chance, she's worried that associating with me will cause her to lose her medical license. So I guess I'll just stay sick with my secrets thanks for the compassion.  

[weaver71]

I tried for years to quit in secret, made it a couple weeks a few times, but it never quit stuck. Well, I learned that I am only as sick as my secrets and people are way more loving and helpful than my addict mind had dreamed up. I suppose it reached a point of priorities, do I want to get away WITH my use, or do I want to get AWAY from my use. Obviously that was a hard decision, I quit and relapsed for 2 1/2 years to prove to myself I had to tell people and ask for help. I would not be alive today had I kept my addiction a secret, no exaggeration, so that made my priorities easier for a stubborn person like me to accept. I am lucky I figured it out on time, or blessed, either way, I don't care what it took now. I am simply glad to have a life I don't want to destroy with drugs, which turned out to be impossible on drugs. I kept wanting to get it together, then I could quit or get help, but the progression of my addiction didn't slow down but sped up as I tried to quit. What is more important to you than your privacy and fear of being rejected? For me it was very near death experiences, life turned out to be the one thing I couldn't replace. What would it take for you to completely surrender to the process of recovery, rather than laugh it off?

[IBKleen]

How very sad. I pray you get the help you so desperately need.

[msdelight]

You must come to grips with the fact that you are valuable, and that you matter. Why go out of your way to prove to your family that you grew up to be the screw up they said you would be. Until you release that opinion and that pain you will never get better. No matter who you tell about this.  If you do not believe in your own self worth, no one else will. The fact is that you were born unto this world good, pure, true and innocent. It is those little comments and expectations along the way that somehow convinced you that you are unworthy of true happiness. You know what fly its just not true. You deserve to live and be happy as much as the next person. I'm not shocked that you tried to end it all. You're killing yourself a little bit every day. Reach out for help. Using isn't the answer. You're still miserable.Reach out for help. Get clean.

[nursegirl6572]

A lot of times, humor is a defense mechanism.  There are a LOT of ways you could look at this situation....funny just isn't one I'd put on the list...and I think you TRYING (probably because the pain of the reality of it is big) to make light of it is pretty par for the course....but come on, it isn't going to help you in any way.

I have to say, that in all of the years posting here, one of the more frequent topics of discussion among addicts is the reluctance/fear to tell their significant other.  They fear losing them, they fear judgement, and they fear that that back door to their DOC will be closed.

I can HONESTLY say that I cannot recall even ONE person who came back to tell us that their spouse kicked them out or called it quits after confiding in them about their addiction.  Not ONE person had their worst fears realized.  Quite the contrary actually.  Most people come back to report SUCH a weight lifted and such a relief...and most importantly....that they have their spouse's unconditional support.  Is it easy?  Of course not....but I think to TRULY be successful, it's necessary.  As we say here all the time, and it's so true...your secrets keep you sick.  You're likely not giving your wife enough credit.  You'd probably be very surprised at her reaction if you reached out for help.

Which do you think would be harder for her....to hear news she PROBABLY already has suspicions about...coming from YOU, in a sincere and genuine attempt to want to get better?  Or coming home to find you dead?  Think about that.

You're scared, that's normal.  The fact that you took the chance you did speaks volumes that your addiction is winning, and the fact that you're hanging from a cliff.  If you don't do something drastic, it WILL win.  

Your wife deserves a chance to hear the truth and a chance to try to support you and help you get clean.  Not to spend the rest of her life guilt ridden that she lost you....that she didn't "know".....you taking your own life gets YOU out of the pain you're in, but opens a whole different world of pain for all of your loved ones, who would have to carry that with them for eternity.  That's the cold hard truth.  Nothing funny about that sweetie.

I hope you really really think hard about taking the next step toward freedom from the chains of addiction.  It can be done.  People do it every single day.  People also succumb to their addictions every day.  The path you take is up to you.

[flyforfish]

Really no clue?  If I'm being completely honest.  And ha someone finally found the humor.

[msdelight]

Its not as hopeless as it seems. Obviously it's not your time just yet. No cheeseburger in Paradise for you. Its a sign that there must be another way out. You're here with us now so let's explore the options. Where will you go from here?

[jifmoc]

Aww, fly. I don't think you posted that story for a laugh. I think you posted it cuz you want help. At least I hope so.

What Amanda said was right on. And so so so many people I know, in meetings especially, have said EXACTLY what you did. And they come out the other side. They didn't believe it then but one tiny inch of movement at a time, and it happened. If you want some suggestions, myself and all the folks on here would love to help.

All you gotta do is keep breathing. Okay?

[Amandag78]

Please understand, things dont have to be like this, not forever anyway..
Your not a screwup, your an addict.....
Our addiction can take us to the most hellish places on earth.
We often feel as if we are bad people, no hope and no future, but as long as we are still using, there is no happiness for us.
I was still in my darkest days at age 27, im 36 now and clean.
Its never too late for anyone.
But if you give up, thats worse than using itself.
I always say, it doesnt matter how many times we fall, as long as we keep getting back up !!!

Sooner or later, the addiction dies and your strength comes out !!
It is inevitable if you keep trying, you will succeed : )
Dont give up, somebody needs you out there : )

[flyforfish]

Honestly as far as not getting real help?  As far as interacting with people I know my family, wife, friends ect. I have always planned out every screwed up conversation I intended to have with them, and wouldn't you know they never go as planned I will die a junky,  I don't know how it's going to happen but it will.  My wife will leave me, and I'll be back to living with my parents at 27 years old. With their pity and judgment,  and my personal favorite...resentment. I'll prove everyone right that I was the screw up everyone was sure I'd grow up to be.  So no, no real help for me. I'll just tell my funny little stories to try and make myself feel better.

[jifmoc]

No not funny at all. Disturbing as hell. I see you've been around the board for a long time. What is keeping you from getting real help?

[Amandag78]

Hi there, im glad you found your way here and didnt burn the house down from your cheese burger attempt !!!
No more attempts at self harm please, your too important, you have to realise that : )
We are here for you ok ?
Please be safe and look after yourself : )

[flyforfish]

Yeah I just thought the end was funny definitely not reaching out to anyone I know in the real world. I am very familiar with the concept of an involuntary 72 hour psychiatric hold, because I'm usually there when people get taken away for them.  I also think it would only serve to make my situation worse.