i admit i'm an addicted

[bama88]

Well here I am admiting my sin to the world. I am a forty one year old professional who has a problem. I have two kids. A nineteen yr old son and a thirteen yr old girl. I've been married for twenty one years. I have a good paying job. My house is.paid for.new car etc etc. But I'm addicted to my oxy. I love em I hate em. I need them. You know what I'm talking about if you've been here with me. I take a pill to get going a pill to stop being depressed a pill to fix blood pressure a pill.for cramps a pill for sleep and a pill for fun. Too many pills. I've got them all. Have a problem I got the answer. I've got a problem. Today I cleaned out all my pills and tossed them. First I cried then I got mad at myself then mad at my doctors..... here is me reaching for help. I'm sick of pills pills pills. I don't look like your normal pill popper. I keep up the appearance of a middle class soccer mom. I told myself it won't happen to me. I'm too smart Im too good I've got everything under control. I lied to myself. I lied to everyone. Boy am I dumb.  Thanks for listening. Now I will get clean.

[Bkitty]

~Im not sure of your insurance situation but my insurance card had a mental health # on the back and I called them and they gave me the referral to a place,,,Do you work? call The EAP if there is one,,its all confidential,,If you cant take the withdrawals can you call your primary MD/call the exchange and explain your situation and get some comfort meds? Im not sure if any of what I just put will help at all~ just a thought,,,i feel your desperation and pain,,I was there not long ago,,but trust me when i say it does stop-I was a heavy user and went c/t also. It hurt,,and if you need to scream them f-ing scream your heart out,,,I did a few times. Fight hard my friend~

[bama88]

ThAnks kitty. Your so sweet. I still want to go to rehab. Lock myself up and get this sickness over. It isn't even 24 hrs and I'm getting sick. I wished I kept some of those pills. But I know my addiction is calling me. I know it will take me a long time to feel better. It took over five years to get this bad. I know there is no manic wand. I did this to myself. I feel like screaming. aawwwg.

[Bkitty]

~ Im sorry you are starting to feel physically ill,,remember it doesnt last long 3-4days but everyone is different,,the worst should have passed,,,its a bumpy and unpleasant ride but its ok and dont be afraid,,,flu like symptoms,,how may times have you had the flu, huh? Talk to your friend she hears and see's the pain you are in and probably helped you get here to this site~ Stay close,,,Im bumping you up on the list here so others can pass on their wisdom and support~

[bama88]

Bob, you know me so well. I read your posts and get every word you say.  It's very easy for me to lie to myself.. but I know better I have so many fears you list. All of them and more. People look up to me. I'm miss positive. I will be your cheerleader. I love success stories. I always wanted to be a motivational speaker. I've been thru enough to understand tragic tram.and overcoming obstacles. Failure is not N option. It's just a time for a redo. Maybe I forgot how to count my blessings awhile ago. I know I was so overworked overwhelmed. I need tools for stress. I use stress for an excuse for everything. If you look up stress my pictures beside it. But life is short. I lost my befriend to lung cancer last year. I miss her. I watched her die. I watched her fight for her life. I miss.my buddy. She never ever knew how deep I went with this. She hated her pills she really hated them. I loved them. They were my crutch.

[bama88]

Sorry about my spelling. I'm getting sick already. This is me going thru withdraws now. Tomorrow I will be in bathroom. But I have the Thomas recipe ready. I am so dog tired but don't think I will sleep mucj

[bama88]

Well my knee is alive and on fire. But I will learn to deal with it. I want to thank all of you for sharing your story, or journey. Sounds like all of us have good lives. I really like what one person said about the street addict. That what the media painted us all to be. We are moms dads sisters daughters brothers to a family. Most of us have jobs keep up our appearances and live with a little devil.on our shoulder whispering go ahead, one more please. We are all human trying to get thru life. I have had a very rough patch for the past five years. We have had a lot of life changing events. I used my pills to keep all my feelings undercontrol. When my husband got hurt I had to be the bread winner. I wasn't ready for that. I didn't know how I was going to do that one. I was so angry at the state the police. He was hit head on by a police officer. Yes we sued. No we didn't get paid that much. It was really really hard. He's a lot better now. He's back to work but I know its very very hard on him. I watched a hard working man suffer so much tram to his body and learn to walk again. We didn't know if or when he would walk. I went thru all that sober. What happened to me? Then I helped him.... he paints for. Living. He likes hard work...I want to sit at a desk all day lol. Well I fell and hurt myself. I never knew what pain was. I never hurt myself ever. I maybe would get a small headache. I wouldn't even touch medicine. Until he gave me one. I didn't even take an aspirin before that nothing. Now one twinge of pain and I'm reaching....its a rotten disease. So yes I've been thru it. Tragic things. My family lives in another state so I never had my family support. His family is here. That used to make me zoo angry. My mom never helped me. I tried talking to her about pills but she won't listen or she doesn't care. Shell change the subject. Fast. So its me and you all. My husband came home he didn't kill me...he just got mad at me for showing out good meds. J don't care. They had my name on them not his. I'm already not.feeling.too hot. This is gonna be so hard.

[bama88]

Thanks for all your support.

[eyeofhorus2010]

I didn't think you were saying that you were better than anyone else. Not at all. We work hard, become succesful and find a pretty good place for ourselves in this world. Society teaches us that if you're abusing drugs then you're some kind of lazy ner'thee well whose on the dole.

Belive me, vanity kept my addiction hidden from the outside world and those secrets keep us sick. You think to yourself, I have way too much to lose to ever let it get out that your a drug addict. I still feel that way.

You fear losing your job, respect from those you lead and the avalanche of humiliation if it got out that you're a "dope fiend".

That's the beauty of this site. You're anonymous and you can let go of all those things you've been keeping bottled up for so long.

I'm getting a pretty good handle on why I was abusing pills. In your case I would say all of the medical disasters in your family is reason enough to want that escape pills provide.

I promise you this, you will feel good without the pills soon enough and you will get back to that "superwoman" you used to be only it'll be on your own terms and without pills.

[lonelygirl369]

I am a 47 year old women middle to upperclass the pills don't care what your social economic status is, I thought I was not like "real" addicts, street drug users, well I am no different then a crack head on the streets, My addiction to pain meds controlled me, my every wakeing hour, I tried to stop many times on my own or I thought I could controll it, never for very long, so this time I am getting help and it is makeing a big difference, and I finally came clean to my husband and family about my addiction.I also have chronic back pain, so I am having to learn how to cope in other ways, advil, massage, etc. It ain"t easy but I know it will be worth it.

[bama88]

What do you think is a lot? I started with a tab or two. Then four to eight a day. Then more surg. Percent came next. Never got over eight or ten a day then oxy....started with two twenties a day. More surg. Then a forty in am a forty in pm. A fifteen here a fifteen there ya know how it goes. I.am sick of all pills. Including antidepressant and blood pressure. In my post I was telling about ALL meds not just pain meds. Oh I have cream too. And patches for my knees. Lidoderm patches.not the pain ones. Sleeping pills. Pills to keep you awake. I never took.half of what they gave me. I would be dead if I did that. Lol. I know I'm gonna get sick. I knew one day id have to quit. I've had this conversation a lot in my head. I'm on the right road.

[bama88]

Thanks for posting.....I'm so.proud of all you and I will be the next one clean. I'm so glad I found you all. It gives me hope. We all struggle nobody immune to the opiods. We all started from injury trusting our doc and the meds. What did we know.....we didn't want to become an addict. But we did. Same as a person with diabetes. Nobody asks for this. It just happens.

[Back2Me]

4-5 days my arse!! Expect a few weeks of feeling really shizzy. The acute stuff maybe a week depending but you sound like you were on a lot. It could be months before you get your bearings back. Don't expect too much on days 4-5. Wd is the worse, I hate every freaking aspect of them.  Good luck. You can do it.

[bama88]

The doctors see that we have great jobs with great insurance and hand this stuff out like its candy. And our brains liked the vacation it got. I remember when my pill could take away the stress. Now it is stress. And if you had any ortho. Pain you know what hurting feels like. Myy doctors had me so mediated up I tore a ligiment and had a blood clot. I couldn't even feel my skin.I have always been scared of the oxys though. Loratab or vicoden not so much. In my circle lots of.people.use tabs or vics. It's the oxys everyone is scared of. I see why....they are too powerful

[bama88]

Thanks Bob. I'm sure you are right. I don't mean to sound like I am better than anyone. But I've worked hard for my worldly possessions..I have more moments I am proud of.my accomplishments. Except.this. I am trying to.point out a problem to people like us. The media portrays drug users as bottom dwellers and we are not. It shocks people when they see someone who works everyday hiding an addiction. I know if people knew what I take they'd talk. That would be embarssing to my kids.  When I go to the doctors I look at people who don't dress up that complained about not getting what they wanted. I would think you look like. Mess so why would the doctor think you need  a stronger med. I know that's judgmental of me but that's society

[bama88]

Thanks Bob. I'm sure you are right. I don't mean to sound like I am better than anyone. But I've worked hard for my worldly possessions..I have more moments I am proud of.my accomplishments. Except.this. I am trying to.point out a problem to people like us. The media portrays drug users as bottom dwellers and we are not. It shocks people when they see someone who works everyday hiding an addiction. I know if people knew what I take they'd talk. That would be embarssing to my kids.  When I go to the doctors I look at people who don't dress up that complained about not getting what they wanted. I would think you look like. Mess so why would the doctor think you need  a stronger med. I know that's judgmental of me but that's society

[MayhemNikkole]

Im a 31yr old mother of two...been taking one drug or another since i was 13..latest addiction was roxy 30mg...if i had ten id take em all in one day...by snorting them, my husband has had three knee reconstruction surgeries and so became addicted as well. Oct 16th i went to take my 4yr old and 2yr old to church and as i walked out of the house something told me that i had to go back inside. I found the bathroom door closed and locked and my husband wouldn't answer so i popped the lock and found him trying to hang himself in our shower...he is currently in rehab, my children are staying in Hawaii with relatives and im left lost and alone...except for this site... Went two weeks clean through all the withdraws and then last Friday put 4 more 30s up my nose....and now im back to feeling like **** physically and mentally. Don't get me wrong, i put on my game face as a manager where i work but the demon everyone is talking about is riding around on my shoulder whispering just one more time all day every day... Don't want to b the mother i had, addicted to crack and alcohol and which made me and 3 other children grow up in a life i wish i never knew... Want to be clean and have energy and be happy and get my babies back...pills became my focus in life and have cost me so much material wise but im slowly realizing that things don't matter...life and living it with and for my children matters....day # 5 without opiates...one day at a time. Believe in yourself everyday because only you can do this

[eyeofhorus2010]

You might be surprised at just how many professionals there are out there that are addicted. I would also bet that if you have 10 friends simalar to yourself that one of them is struggling with addiction in some form too.

I run a successful company,live in a gated golf course community, 45 years old and married for 23 years next month and I'm pretty sure everyone around thinks I've really got my life sorted out ( i do now, 1 yr clean) and it's that facade of having it all together that makes it so hard to come out and ask for help. I'm certain that if I showed up at a N/A meeting it would be all over town.

I started taking pills recreationaly and soon afterward needed surgery for a broken knee cap. Well that was perfect, I thought at the time, but it only resulted in my addiction getting worse. When I finally reached the point you're at now I was taking Vicodin by the handfull all day long. I suffered tremendously when I quit. I didn't find this site until I had made it through the withdrawals (again) and I only found it because I was sick and tired of going through the cycle of abuse.

Like others have said, get yourself off the pills and in a few weeks you'll be able to really gauge just how bad your pain is.
That's the easy part believe it or not. As time goes by you'll start feeling better and better but those damn pills will be calling your name and you'll begin to think that now you're much wiser in the ways of the pill that you can control them and only take one once in a while (it's the siren song of all addicts)  such only taking one when you're hurting really bad and never more than, let's say 3 a week, will turn into no more than 4 a week until you find that you're back to taking 20 or more a day. I would take twice that amount before lunch.

I see that I'm rambling, but my point is, you don't have to feel ashamed of where you're at now. Come to this site every day and several times a day at that, and read others stories and really listen to what the other vets have to say and you will kick this. We all start our clean time with that first hour, then first day and so on. I'm an addict, I'll always be an addict and I can't control the uncontrolable. the members here helped me see that.

You're so much like me in so many ways that I really want to see you get past this ( i want everyone to get past addiction) and as a result you will grow as a person in ways you've not yet imagined.

Please stay with us here and let's see this thing through. Best wishes- Bob

[bama88]

Please share your experience with me. It's good to hear from my girls who are fighting addiction. We have learned to lie to.ourselves so well. We go to doctor to get help and get ourselves sicker. I hate doctors. I love the pills they give us. Lol not. I have used every excuse to use.  I will take an extra if I'm stressed. An extra if I go shopping. An extra to clean. An extra to feel good. But I never feel good. I lost that feeling a long time ago. Now I feel like ****. I am going to have to learn how to feel like me again. Now that's the big fear. I don't know myself anymore. Please stop any pills your doing. Stop before you become.like.me. I don't want to do this anymore

[bama88]

You can stop. It's so hard to admit to. If your like me you hide behind something. We go to doctors to get better not get worst. But...... well I think if I keep going to doctors I feel worse. Do you ever stop by your doctor and tell em Hey I

[bama88]

Wow your cat eh?  How many stashes did you have? Just kidding. I don't have a stash I threw out everything. My husband is.gonna kill me. I.can hear it now. He does have another 50 or so of my oxys. I have a lot. I couldn't ever run out. It's sad that I let this happen to me. I'm tired of hobby always blaming me or telling me how bad a habit I have. He should look at his self. I want to stop. I will.stop. I can stop. I deserve to feel.good about myself. Remember I.am superwoman lol.

[Bkitty]

It certainly sneaks up on you!  Then you realize yeaaarrrsss have gone by. For me,,what got me is time..8yrs of this addiction has robbed me of my prime years of my life. The years where you settle down and start a family. Im newly married actually 5 months today..my husband has no IDEA he married an addict. My GOD i almost threw up typing that. He wants to start a family and with my age and addiction it will be at least another year for that if that at all. It might be too late for me to have babies. somehow I have to find peace with that. But Im so angry at this addiction! and myself. We have a lot on our plate as a newly married couple and now it is not the right time to even try,,so maybe this is a blessing in disguise what we are going thru...only time will tell

[bama88]

I can handle a week of that. As for.my husband well. Yes he knows what's going on but he lives in his bubble. I want him to quit with me but I am dreaming. I have told him several times I'm.gonna quit and then he says I should give him my drugs. Lol not. I understand he hurts prob. More than me. I am not going to.focus on his pill.problem. just mine. When and if he's ready he will stop. I want to stop for me and nobody else. I need to.take care of myself.for.once. we have had so much going on for the last.six years. First his accident that was life changing and then my daughter had three surgeries. And then me. I was so.overwhelmed with surgeries. One.surg with my daughter. I had my knee.scope then she popped her hip out of place. That's why I ended up.with a total.knee.at 41. She had surg the next day after I had stitches removed. That was really rough. I look back.and see I was so overwhelmed I just self medicated. Now everything is settled down and I want to.be free of pills. I was blind at the time.

[Bkitty]

I can relate to EVERYTHING you posted. Welcome and congrats for making the decision to get help. Just a thought,,I called the mental health people on my insurance care (some insurance cards actually have their own menatal health #) and I got enrolled in intensive outpatient therapy.I had already detoxed myself at home though,,,but a lot of times from what Ive learned and read on here is that you get admitted for 3-5days to detox then you go outpatient. I didnt know if you thought of that. Call you MD and tell him and maybe work a tapering plan and could he give you some meds to help detox ; clonidine/short term valium? Dont feel bad cuz you found and took a pill,,I know how hard that is. My cat keeps finding pills and on like day 3 found a whole bottle under my bed. Its sad when you dont remember where you stash them. Just wanted to say hello and welcome~

[quitinoxys]

You should feel like you have the flu for about 5-7 days with starting to feel better around day 4. You need to keep yourself hydrated so drink plenty of fluids juice, gatorade, water etc; You also need to take vitamins and supplements B6, B12, C, magnesium and potassium (you can get the potassium from fruits like bananas). Eat fruit it is the best way to get the nutrients you need. There is also the Thomas recipe which helped me a great deal it is described below:

For the Recipe, You'll nee
1.Imodium (over the counter, any drug or grocery store). [generic brand anti-diarrheal is fine. Don't take it unless really uncomfortable]
2.L-Tyrosine* (500 mg caps) from the health food store.* [See Warning]
3.Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper and Magnesium.
4.Vitamin B6 caps. [or stress B-complex?]
5.Access to hot baths or a Jacuzzi (or hot showers if that's all that's available). [many gyms offer free trials]

How to use the recipe


During detox, hit the hot bath or Jacuzzi as often as you need to for muscle aches. Don't underestimate the effectiveness of hot soaks. Spend the entire time, if necessary, in a hot bath. This simple method will alleviate what is for many the worst opiate W/D symptom. [I like Epsom salts in the tub. Forces Magnesium into the muscles]

Use the Imodium aggressively to stop the runs. Take as much as you need, as often as you need it. DON'T TAKE IT, however, if you don't need it.[Diarrhea is the bodies way to aid in the detox so take Immodium or generic for the comfort factor, if needed]

Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine*. Try 2000 mg, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mg. Take the L-Tyrosine* with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine* will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine* can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate W/D, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine* is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help. [*Read the Warning first! *L-Tyrosine* is great. *SamE 400* mg works for mood too]

With breakfast, take the mineral supplement.

As soon as you can force yourself to, get some mild exercise such as walking, cycling, swimming, etc. This will be hard at first, but will make you feel considerably better. [Walking gets the blood and lymph systems working, helping you detox better.]

PLEASE NOTE: If you have any medical complications, first check with your doctor before detoxing to verify that this regimen is safe for you. [Very important note]

[WARNING If you are on anti-Depressants, use medical supervision on L-Tyrosine, SamE and all mood enhancers. There can be a risk if taking L-Tyrosine, 5 HTP  if you are on a tricyclic  or a MAIO antidepressant's ...It can cause a spike in blood pressure.]


For sleep you can try meltonin and for anxiety try valerian root. I hope this helps you out as it did for me. As far as going into a hospital to do C/T I don't think thats necessary. Your husband knows what going on so he can support you and you can tell the rest of the family that you have a bad flu. I wish you tremedous success with this undertaking and I will pray for you. Keep up the great attitude and keep on posting. God Bless---Rick